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I need help and opinions, I am upset over this email. As most of you know we do not have much planned for our wedding and I hate being rushed. Mr.TKE is just trying to blow this off, but I just cannot. Here it is:
Hi,
I know you said you'd let us know just as soon as you knew where the wedding is going to be, so I hate to bug you guys about it. We have out-of-state family members trying to figure out vacation schedules, etc. for the year and local family wondering about where the wedding will be. We missed going to cousin's on New Year's Day due the the weather but cousin said that there was discussion that if it'll be in Green Bay, people will want to make motel plans soon due to the wedding being during football season. Cousin also has a friend getting married the same day so she'd like to know so she can plan accordingly for that as far as whether she'd be able to spend some time at both affairs.
I guess with it being 8 mos. away, people are getting antsy. Cousin asked me to send this message on so that's what I'm doing.
Love, Mom
...Any advice for me? TIA
I'm sorry you're upset about it, but I think its a reasonable question and was done in a very nice way. What exactly are you worried about?
well maybe I'm being rude, but I think they have a point. I don't read that as a nasty email so I don't know if there is much to say about it.
I guess if you really aren't ready to make the plans then I would have to say that you need to tell your family not to schedule around your wedding. If they go ahead and plan as they want then you run the risk of them being not at your wedding but they sound like they WANT to be there so I would give them at least what city it's going to be in so they can get hotels and flights if need be
I don't think it's something to get upset over. People need to make plans, and if you want them there, I think you should give them enough time to make them.
I agree, that was a reasonable question, and not done in a mean way. I understand where she's coming from, hopefully you can work things out.
I guess I understand why she wants info, I just don't have any. At this point all I can tell them is I don't want it in Green Bay, but other than that, I really know nothing. We really need to talk about this (Mr.TKE and I), but I really don't know how to bring up the subject without him going crazy about weddings. He's not the biggest talker of the group. At this point the thought of planning a wedding is just crazy to me.
I feel like we should just elope and get it over with. I mentioned this to Mr.TKE last night and he said well then you shouldn't have pressured me into picking a date for our wedding, instead I should have pressured him into eloping!. !!!! what? I didn't pressure him into anything, he told me he wanted to pick a date.
Gah.
I don't think it's a rude email. Obviously those out of state family members and cousins really want to be at your wedding that's why your FMIL emailed you both. Honestly my boss asked me a month ago what 4 weeks of 2012 I wanted off so thosefamily members are definitely not being unreasonable.
Second, I went to a friend's apartment the end of november (2011) and saw that she had a STD magnet on her fridge for a friend the EXACT same date as mine (Aug 18, 2012). So ppl really do plan that far ahead. I didn't even send out my STD's yet!!!
8 months might seem like a long time away, but realistically if it's requiring people to travel and make arrangements with work and schedules, it's not. This is a perfectly polite, reasonable email.
I don't think it's a rude email at all. If you have no updates to give them then discuss with your FI what you are doing and then respond. If you still can't decide just say that you will soon and will update.
I think thats totally fair. Obviously that means the wedding is important to his family and they all want to be sure they can make it - and if that involves traveling, its a perfectly reasonable request. Perhaps you don't need to get a specific venue figured out, but why not narrow down a specific area?
If your FI isn't too into talking about weddings.... I think you need to ask him if you can just PLAN. Ask him for about 2-3 things that he wants to have a say in... other than that, get on it yourself. Or there never will be a wedding.
You may be in this by yourself. Lots of grooms just "show up". Heck, I'm engaged to a girl, and she doesn't really even get that into it. She helped pick centerpieces and helped pick one of our colors. Other than that, I've pretty much done all the "planning" myself.
ahhh - so it sounds like this is more of an issue you have with him, not your future in-laws... which makes a lot more sense.
If he can't deal with even talking about it, tell HIM to write back to his mother and explain that!
@thisismeAXiD: sounds to me like this email is upsetting because it's reminding you of the issues you are having with FI about planning. Does he want you to do the planning and you want him to be more involved?
I think maybe you two need to sit down and really talk about it and be like okay if this is going to happen in 8 months the planning needs to happen. See what his ideal situation is and see what yours is and see what the agreed upon steps are going to be moving forward. Good luck!
I agree that I feel this is a reasonable (and nicely worded) email.
Without having booked a venue, it's also safe to say that the date you set might not be your actual date. I know ours changed due to the venue being booked already.
I also agree that you might want to take the reins of this planning and at least book the venue(s) so you can work on getting your Save the Date's to your out-of-towners. Realistically, they will need to be able to plan their schedules or you risk have a lot of "regretfully decline" on your RSVPs.
You'll also want to consider communicating with a local hotel and arrange a block of rooms - you can include this info on your STD's so people can start getting their ducks in a row.
Planning is super stressful, but you'll feel a lot better once you get the ball rolling!
I agree with the two PP. I think the email was reasonable and kindly worded. I know my FI, for example, needs to give 4-6 months notice for holidays an cannot overlap with a few people he works with. As a result, he plans special events a year in advance! While you and your FI need to work this out, you do need to tell your FMIL either the date will be, for sure Sept 15 and it will not be in Green Bay, but to please plan for this, or you need to tell her that you cannot confirm dates or times and unfortunately others will have to make their own plans before committing to your date.
Good luck talking with your FI. I hope you can have a reasonable conversation that clears things up for you.
As for planning, while you might not feel the need to plan, I am planning now for July and finding things are booked up. If you are set on Sept 15, you are heading towards crunch time to pick a venue, photographer, DJ, officient. I don't want to make you feel more pressured, but reality is that your planning needs to start soon if you want your first choices.
OP,you don't have a wedding date unless you have a venue. My advice would be to at least book a venue. With 8 months out, you simply have to get started if you want to have a wedding. If you want to just elope, then do that, but don't leave people hanging with this arbitrary wedding date.
Don't feel overwhelmed by this whole planning thing (which I think you are). Some people aren't planners, and thats okay. Do you have a MOH or your Mom, who could help you?
Are you nervous about planning because you don't have any savings, or because your FI isn't helping? What gives? Before we got engaged, we saved up around 5 grand for deposits, because stuff books up SO quickly. We were barely able to get our venue and photographer 15 months out.
I think your FMIL is just trying to get the info and she is trying to do it in a non confrontational way.
You can't have a date with out a venue. I picked our date and then I had to change it because our venue that we loved wasn't available for that day. So I would get into planning action! I had to sit my FI down and make home tell me what we wants out of the day. It took alittle while but I got that then then he gavethe the reigns and I can do what ever I want.
If you FI refuses to plan or just let you plan, I would tell every one that you are postponing it until you are about to get everything figured out. And then if you guys want just go and elope :)
Good luck! I know how much it sucks to plan a wedding with the unwilling!
I think the email may have been upsetting to you because it brings the issue to the forefront, and I would guess that you're already feeling the pressure due to the date drawing closer. I'd say your biggest issue is the fact that you cannot talk to your FI reasonably about any of this. That is a huge problem that is not just going to affect wedding planning, but your married life if you can't talk to him about important issues. Maybe you need to get the all-clear from him so that you have permission to make the wedding-related decisions so things can go forward, because you are running out of time if you really want a Fall 2012 wedding.
We are getting married near Madison October 2012. We booked our venue, officiant, and photographer, printed STDs and then moved onto hotel blocks just to learn how incredibly lucky we were that we hadn't picked one week earlier (Dairy Expo) or one week later (Badger's game), because there wouldn't be any available rooms those weekends. Between events in the area and Fall related travel Fall is the busiest season for hotels in our area. Seeing as you are further north, I'd venture that mid-September is hopping for your area. That hadn't even been on our radar. You really need to consider external factors like this that can cause issues. The Packer's schedule won't be known for some time yet, so get the jump on things. Even hotels as far away as Appleton are affected by game days.
Find a venue. Check availablity and move forward. Or elope. Or plan a backyard wedding that isn't dependent on so many other factors. But most importantly, find a way to communicate. That's going to be a major thing in the success of your marriage.
Good luck!
Yeah 8 months out for a September wedding? You might have to change your wedding date. Anything popular is long gone by now. I think it's reasonable to be asking that far ahead - my DH has to schedule his 'on-call' weeks at the beginning of the year, and my MIL has to schedule days off 6 months or more in advance. Most weddings for close family let us know dates about a year ahead of time.
Sounds like you need to sit down with your FI and hop on the planning train. It might seem intimidating, but you'll feel much better once you start getting things set in stone :)
@thisismeAXiD: Sorry, but I don't see anything wrong with the e-mail. It's a shame you're taking this personally and getting upset. Seems there may be other issues elsewhere that are bothering you - like the fact you and your FI haven't discussed anything. 2012 is a big wedding year and it's going to be tough to find anything these days. Your best bet is to start calling places this week and going on tours. Ask about your wedding date. If you can't, then I would highly suggest pushing back your wedding date. Good luck to you.
I don't think that you necessarily NEED to push back your date... but you NEED to talk to your FI. It seems like there is some underlying issues there. You need to be unities on the wedding front.
Ex: my FI isn't into contacting vendors... but once we find one, I always CC her on the emails.
You need to come to compromises about planning... so you can actually plan your wedding.
I'm agreeing with a lot of these people. September, according to our planner friend, is the most popular month for weddings in the midwest because it is the best weather option. We are booking for a year after you and are having problems finding locations and dates open.
If you are holding firm to that 8 month timeline, I would sit down with the FI and force the conversation. If he cant or wont listen, then he isn't ready and you should start talking about alternative dates.
I really hope you get this all sorted out. Please update us?
@thisismeAXiD: Maybe if you called venues and found out info/dates/prices from them AND THEN brought it all to your FI, it would make choosing easier? My FH is a huge procrastinator and I just took charge. It was much easier for him to make decisions when I had all our info and choices right in front of him. Good luck!
I agree with most of the PP on this one. I dont thinkntheres anything to be upset about in regards to the email. My wedding date is Sept 15th and i have all of my big things,.ie venue, photographers, band, wedding planners already booked and out of the way. If people are going to need to travel to be there, information kinda needs to go out like now. Ive had people asking me about hotels since November. Its important for people to at least know where the wedding will be taking place so they can make arranhements and start looking into travel.accomodatioms etc..And if this is more an issue with your FI than your FMIL then u may want to seriously talk to him and see where his head is at in all of this..Good Luck!
Why don't you and FI work on a guest list? If you know who he wants at the wedding, and who you want there, you can then look at what venues and locations will make sense. The groom really needs to be involved in:
The guest list
The venue and date
You need to decide if you want to get married or elope. Once you do that, pick a short timeframe to find a venue. I recommend emailing about 30-40 that you like based on their websites/photos. Tell them you want Sept -- but you also want I know what other weekend dates in September they have available. There is a pretty good chance that there will be no more than 5 places available at all in September, MAYBE on your date. Make an appointment to see the venue and invite your FI to come with you. If he chooses not to, take a friend. Keep your FMIL in the loop.
BAD NEWS: I'll be frank- you are going to have SLIM pickings. I contacted about 50 manor homes in OCTOBER about our Sept venue. Every single manor home was booked for Friday and Saturday evening. One offered me Friday morning/day. Another few offered me Thursday night. I was also shot down for local golf course country clubs. I started including the last week in August and the first in October (my search was end of Oct). Nothing. It wasn't until November when I expanded to boutique hotels that I got any sort of date. We lucked out and got our date. The day after we submitted our deposit, our hotel coordinator said she got THREE more requests for that date.
tl;dr: May and September are the most popular wedding months ANYWHERE and most venues book up for those months about 1 yr out.
I know you're all trying to help but telling her "ZOMG theres no way you're going to get the venue you want now!!!" prrrrrobably isn't going to help the OP feel less anxious about planning.
OP - We're date twins, and I did most of my planning this past week while on break from school. Everything has worked out fine. One of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended was in DC this past September, and was planned in under 6 months.
But I'm guessing its not very fun to start planning if you feel like your FI isn't in to it at all. If he wants you to just take the reins and plan the whole thing, he needs to communicate that to you and be supportive of you. Maybe ask him if there's one aspect he would like to be in charge of? Or if he would prefer to elope, he needs to actually tell you (and his family)!
I'd suggest finding a good time (like not when the NFL playoffs are on TV..haha) to have a good talk with him about it. Good luck lady :)
I think your frustration is coming more from the fact that you don't have any plans and you don't know what to tell him, rather than the actual message. If you have OOT guests, you do really need to give them ample time to plan their times, especially since it looks like your wedding is just after the summer/Labor Day weekend.
Good luck in figuring it all out, and hopefully you can start planning soon!
@thisismeAXiD: I know you said you dont want to be rushed, but at 8 months out, if you dont start nailing some stuff down, you *will* start to feel pressured and rushed the closer you get. If you start now, you can stil kinda dilly dally and take your time a little. If you have a date (which to me is not truely set in stone until you have deposits and real plans tying you to it), nail down a ceremony location and venue, that's the only biggest 2 things you need to settle, then you can give people info to plan on. I start planning my vacation and watching flights about 8 months out, I'd be on your butt for info too if I wanted to be there for your wedding. Your MILs email is just a friendly nudge imo, cause she doesnt want people to miss out on the wedding cause of lack of planning time like she had to.
@thisismeAXiD: As a manager, I approved summer vacation on a first come basis. Also, we planned the holiday schedule during the first quarter. It is not an unreasonable request.
@thisismeAXiD: It sounds like from the e-mail she and the family are making an honest, planned out effort to be there for the wedding. I don't think she was rude about it at all. Maybe you should ask her to help you since you have no answers?
The problem here seems to be your FI, not the email. I looked back at your post history and you've been engaged for 3+ years it seems. Your FI gave you a hard time about even setting a date, and you started seriously discussing it 9 mo ago. 5 months ago you finally picked a day. The wedding is now set for 8 months away-- he needs to let you plan! And either be an active part of it, or get out of your way. It is time to make decisions and he seems to be acting a bit childish about this whole thing.
I don't see anything wrong with this e-mail, people need to know to schedule
Is there a reason that you and your FI are having so much trouble planning? Maybe postpone the date and take some time to really talk about marriage and the wedding and what you both want without the pressure of running out of time to plan.
I agree with everyone else that these are fair questions asked in a kind way.
I totally think this was a reasonable question. However, I would book a venue asap if you are still planning on keeping the date in your profile, you know? You never know, there might not be something on that date open in your area and your date might have to change....this being said I think it is fair that you let family know soon. I will admit, I'd feel pressure over this email, but don't be upset. She wasn't mean!
I do not know what kind of venue you are looking for. Luckily with my second wedding, a friend recommended looking and reserving the venue ASAP. I listened and it was a little less than a year before the wedding and we BARELY got the venues reserved. All three places (for wedding, reception and day-after party_ told me that if I had called any later, I wouold be SOL. Your FMIL is making a reasonable request.
I don't think what she wrote was rude or that she intended on hurting your feelings. She makes very valid points about your guests needing to make arragements for travel,etc. I also dittp what PP said about getting a move on. Venues do book up very quickly.
I will echo PPs and say that you don't have a date without a venue. My sister is getting married in Sept. 2012 and she booked her venue, church, etc. long ago. And people definitely need to think about making travel plans and taking vacation time. It's not an unreasonable email.
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