- 5 years ago
** lengthy- i apologize in advance**
I feel kind of silly but i saw a similar post on this board about it. SO, i would like to give you the backup info before asking for you advice on this situation. HERE GOES:
I have recently taken the plung and moved in with my boyfriend. He was from northern bay area (santa rosa) and i from southern bay area (san jose). About 2 1/2 hours apart. We have been doing the long distance relationship for a while and we were always bickering and argueing over little things. He is a little more clingy/controlling then me. So he would get upset if i didnt respond to a text promptly, or missed and “i love you i miss you” in the morning. So, after long consideration and conversation, he and i decided for me to quit my career and move up north with him. (hell im in love with he guy, we arent getting any younger, and i have a good college education, strong resume to get myself back on my feet quickly.) SO I MOVED IN!
We have been living together and all the little issues have disappeared and we have had a happy relationship. But insecurities have started to grow with me. While i like to think i am pretty rational and fair, for some reason this one individual has kinda got the best of my logical thinking. So he had this friend in college, Fran, a very attractive dutch girl from europe. She was studying oversees at the college we both attended (i did not know him or her in college). Anyway, after they graduated, she moved back to europe. They have kept in touch since then. I had no issue with this until we had a fight one day (before we moved in together) and i walked out of my apartment, and he quickly emailed her. I understand calling on friends to convince you that you are right, and make you feel better. But i couldnt understand why Fran, out of all his friends? Why someone way across the world, that doesnt know me or how he is with me??
So, after moving in, i have begun looking for work. I have used his laptop and to my luck, his email was already signed in. Of course i decided to open it. I came across emails from Fran. While i felt extremely guilty going through his email as i believe trust and privacy is important, i continued to rumage through the string. Their conversations were harmless, talking about work, friends, me, her boyfriends, but they would always end with an “I miss you xxxxx – Fran”
*sigh* that KIND OF bothered me but it wasnt enough to adress to him. So i became obbsessed with looking into this relationship. A few days later, his FB was left open. And i went through his message box. Nothing from Fran, but i did come across an old string of emails from a friend regarding her (back when we first started dating). Jennifer apparently moved to London and became someone close with Fran. After reading through the emails Jennifer was yelling at him, asking why he was so cold or sometimes doesnt respond to Frans emails that she cares about hims so much. cries over him and thinkgs so highly of him yada yada. He then responded with how hard it is to be “buddy buddy with someone you care deeply for and could see yourself committing to. SOmoen you would be willing to drop everything for.”. that he tried to move her out here with him but she never wanted to.
Now, like i said this was when we first started dating, but i was still horrifide. I panicked. I couldnt bring it up to him like this becuase then i would look like a crazy woman hacking into his emails and fb so i waited for a big fight and dropped the “Why dont you just email Fran about this fight, and see what she says…… since you could see yourself with her and all”
Well that started the convo, and he convinced me that he didnt feel that way towards her That they had nothing and she is across the world that i have nothing to worry about. *sigh* I figured i would let it go becuase, well he was right. She is across the world, and from the fb messages, jennifer did mention why they never went on dates or hooked up. So i chopped i let it go, that day.
After that i kept my mouth quiet but frequently went through his email as she and him email the “how are you, whats new, hows your gf, hows your family?” I mentioned it to him one day that i felt insecure about the girl, regardless if they shared anything or not. Also that he too would have an issue with any friendhship i shared wth a “old friend” and that i would appreciate that he reached out to Fran and terminate their friendship. He said he would.
He hasnt. *sigh* i asked him about 2 weeks ago and he has not emailed her with the response of “i dont know her emai” I thought that was a load off bull considering her email is her first and last name at gmail.com. Whatever, a few days have gone by and i noticed she emailed him today. “Why havent you talked to me, im worried and hope your okay. If you dont reach out to me this week i will have to go to drastic measures and call your work or your mom”…. Hes been asleep and while i want to ask “she has your mothers phone number?!” i decided to write a calm collected email to her informing her he is healthy and safe, but mainly expressing my concerns of their friendship and that i would apprecaite it if she no longer reached out to him.
am i crazy for this? I never wanted to be the girl that says you can or cannot be this persons friend, but if roles were switched i know hed be this way with me. Not that it matters but, she is attractive. My last ex actually cheated on me and got married to a dutch girl from the netherlands so i have that paranoia, but i havent felt too confident considering i am still looking for work and have no friends or family up here….