(Closed) Emailed his "old friend" from college since he wouldn't?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

WOAH. you should not have emailed her without telling him. I wouldnt be surprised if he gets mad and gets closer to Fran.  Not helpful. 

Honestly, I was in a similar situation. My guy had a girl friend who always rubbed me the wrong way.  I heard that he crushed on her shortly before we started dating and I asked him and he lied to my face.  When he finally admitted it, my trust in him was already damaged.  He did seem eager to prove there was nothing between them though.  I tried to become close with my guy’s friend but  she would say and do things to pit us against each other.  It took me and very long time to convince him that she was doing these very odd things…also using him for very boyfriendly fucntions when her boyfriend wasnt available. like i said, it took a while, but he eventually understood that you should not give your girlfriend and your girl friend even close to the same amount of attention…and that he should be closest to me and not her. it can be done….but not like that.

Post # 5
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You definitely overstepped your boundaries.  Your FI isn’t your ex!  And he hasn’t done anything to make you think otherwise.  All you’ve listed is stuff Fran is emailing/messaging.  Your FI hasn’t replied “I miss you too” or anything odd.  You need to apologize to your FI and LET IT GO.

Post # 6
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Don’t email her!! I’d be livid. You need to have an adult conversation with your adult man. Maybe he used to like her, anything suggesting that he still does? Clearly he hasn’t spoken with her in awhile. You guys just need to set boundaries and start having a healthy relationship.

It seems like it started out with him being insecure, then you moved there and instead of things being healthy and normal now you’re starting to be insecure.

Emailing her is only going to make you look nuts.

 

Post # 7
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

So you waited for a fight to drop it on him that you’ve been violating his privacy, then you decided to email her? You shouldn’t be dictating what he does, and you certainly should not be anywhere near his email. You’re breaching his trust far more than he’s breached yours. Stop now. Admit what you did. And don’t be surprised when there is backlash and consequences. You are starting to appear possessive (whether you are or not) and it’s just going to make you look bad.

Post # 9
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@cestrada06:  I guess I’m the only one, but I do understand why you felt the need to do that. He should’ve handled it. I think it’s inappropriate that he continued to keep in contact with her, especially since he knew it made you so uncomfortable. You probably should’ve waited for him to take care of it or for their friendship to fizzle out.

Aside from that, you really have to stop snooping through his stuff. It’s not going to lead anywhere positive and it’s not going to make you feel better. It’s just an unhealthy thing to do. Stop it for your own well being.

Post # 10
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s very common for Europeans to put xxxx at the end of a message. Heck, sometimes my Facebook feed looks like I know 40 people with stuck x keys. My DH is European and his sister will facebook me “it’s raining today xxxxx” or “my car broke down xxxxx”.

So the xxxxx thing may mean less than you’re reading into it.

It sounds like you owe your boyfriend a massive apology here. What you did was not right. While it wasn’t right of him to not terminate his friendship with Fran at your request, it’s also completely understandable that he would prefer to just it silently and ignore her till she huffed off. It’s just not easy to tell someone you care about that you can’t be friends any more. You know it’s going to hurt that person, so you avoid it.

And yes it sounds like Fran has deep feelings for your boyfriend but he’s not returning them, and she lives an ocean away so there’s no chance of a surprise encounter. She is his past. And he knows that. You over-reacted, and you also violated your boyfriend’s privacy and his trust. You will need to find a way to fix that.

Post # 11
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I relate to this post.  My SO had a long term gf who was around much longer than I was and he kept in contact with her even though he was with me.  It made me so angry.  I never emailed her or contacted her in any way (but I did have her number and email since we had gone to school together).  I understand what you did, but I don’t think you should have done it.  He will take it as an invasion to his privacy and she will think you are a jealous witch for interfering with a good friendship.  Hopefully it won’t backfire, but good luck with everything.

Post # 12
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@fishbone:  Interesting about he xxxxxx thing I assumed it was kisses! Haha

Post # 13
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It is kisses I believe, but it doesnt carry the same meaning. It’s hard to explain. It’s like signing an email “luv ya” doesn’t mean “I romantically love you.”

Post # 14
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I get youthful jealousy… no two ways about it it is a BAD trait.  Something rampant with Teenagers and young Men & Women.

BUT you need to learn to control it (ok, so he WAS ONCE crazy about this girl… and they are now just friends, and they communicate via the Internet).  I get the jealousy, because lets face it as women, we hate it when other girls are hitting on OUR GUYS… even if nothing comes of it… because we always think “What DID YOU DO.. that caused that to happen?”  Men don’t always get it, and they are by nature less confrontational with women (because they will tell you they HATE to hurt our feelings / see us cry)… this is probably WHY he hasn’t been straight with her… he has chosen the “easy path” just avoiding her… hoping that things will die down naturally.

BUT realistically here they are an ocean apart… and you are now LIVING with him.  I think your jealousy is “currently” unfounded.

You also have to set BOUNDARIES for yourself and what is appropriate behaviour as his live in GF

Honey you are obsessing about a PAST LIFE not what is currently going on in his life

Your behaviour is a little ummm, psycho… checking his emails etc.  Emailing in lieu of him to her, to set the record straight. 

That stuff is waaay beyond normal boundaries in a relationship filled with Love & Respect

What you are doing is pushing him right towards her by being the “crazy” woman he lives with

Honestly suggest that if you cannot put a lid on this behaviour, that you look at getting some one-on-one counselling to help you understand what a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP is supposed to look like (and from where I sit… this isn’t it)

 

Post # 16
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My FI also had something similar going on many years ago while we were in college.  We lived hundreds of miles apart.  We were close and he visited often but toward the end of my 4th year and his 2nd he just started being less available and less interested all around.  I had no idea there was another girl involved.  I finally realized he wasn’t being the other half that I wanted and broke up with him and eventually started dating a great guy.  He was fun!! 🙂

But my FI is the love of my life and a couple years after college we started dating again…we always stayed friends.  It wasn’t like we had broke it off on bad terms…just sort of seemed to lose some interest.

Well years later I found out there was a girl he was crushing on in his program and though it has never been clearly defined whether that was exactly what made him/us lose interest in eachother we figured it played a role.  It was definitely our own distance and busyness that left this door open for him to meet someone else new and exciting.

Anyway, they stayed in touch for awhile but eventually she dropped off.  If she came back around she would get the boot asap as would he if he wasn’t the one giving her the boot.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is your beef is with your SO and not the other woman.  If he doesn’t email her like he says he will it is HE who has crossed boundaries and not this other gal. 

The topic ‘Emailed his "old friend" from college since he wouldn't?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors