Post # 1
My mother and I don’t have a relationship. I have been on my own since I was a teenager. Long story and not a nice one I’m afraid but I don’t want to complain.
My family besides my mom is tiny and they aren’t super involved in my life either. To to make another long story short my FI is from New Zealand. His family is huge and they are so warm and wonderful – very much unlike mine – and mainly because of the large size of his family, we are getting married there next year.
I feel very awkward as his family is so excited about the wedding planning and my family – well, they’d come if the wedding was here but no one will be coming to NZ. They don’t really care about me or that I’m getting married. They are upset with me for not dealing with my mom b/c they don’t want to deal with her either. My mom is very abusive and I personally don’t think anyone should speak to her but they choose to and that’s their choice.
FMIL keeps suggesting ways to "get my family involved" – I’m very embarassed about the whole situation. I’m a very good person – I just come from a family that included some quite frankly very abusive and broken people. How can I tell her what the real situation is? What can i say??
Post # 3
I am so sorry for what you have been put through, and glad you have turned out so well and are marrying a wonderful man. You deserve it!
Never ever feel embarassed, when you explained your situation, my heart went out to you. Why would your FMIL or others feel different? I would explain your past and your reluctance to involve your family, your FMIL will understand and it will bring you closer.
I was a date at a wedding where the bride had no family what so ever, and the groom had a huge family. I did not know what her situation was, because I did not know her. Everyone’s hearts went out for this girl, they were so happy for that she found a husband and a welcoming family. It was very touching. Not one guest asked about her family not being there; everyone just fell in love with her and was rooting for her happiness.
I am so happy that you found the love you deserve; good luck to you and your new family!
Post # 4
Im sorry! Are you comfortable enough with your FMIL that you can explain to her about your family? Or that your FI would be able to? I think its so nice that they are so welcoming to you and really want you to be a part of their family.
Post # 5
Your FMIL sounds like a great lady who won’t judge you because of your family. I’d try to explain the situation to her as best as you can. You don’t even need to tell her the story all at once. You can also have your FI give her a little insight as well if you don’t feel comfortable talking to her directly.
There is no shame in not having any family at your wedding!
Post # 6
Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words – <font size=”2″ color=”#81a026″>MsMarch2010</font>,(our date is april 2010 btw) I kind of teared up when I read your post! I’m honestly okay with my family situation most of the time (thanks to lotsa therapy and some very supportive friends who actually are making the trek to New Zealand!) but this wedding is bringing up a lot of issues and forcing me to deal with them. No one has a "normal family", right? What even is normal??
I also honestly feel very bad about not talking to my mom anymore. Since we started planning, I really want to call her, but I know it will end badly!
I know I can’t do that though – among a milion other reasons for not including her in my life, my mom was not at all nice (putting it mildly) to my FI when she met him. He actually said that he was scared to have her around any children we might have. That’s one of the reasons I actually chose to cut ties with her.
Post # 7
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship strains with your mom.
I don’t know if this will help you in anyway but the way I see it is, as you grow up your family changes. Sometimes you become closer to the family God gave you and sometimes you create yourself a new family. And I don’t really think that one is better than the other. My family is more than just my parents and my sisters, its the friends I have made along the way and in a lot of those cases… their families. Don’t be embarrassed about not having a traditional family! You should be proud of the life you’ve made for yourself … a lot people aren’t as grounded or lucky as you.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone. I am working from home today so of course, its easy to think about things other than work!
GaBgal, you are 100% correct. A lot of times you do create your own family and your comment also cheers me up.
Case in point – my male best friend (who is originally from Germany) will be walking me down the aisle – and this reminds me that even though my blood relatives won’t be there, he keeps telling me this will be "the most important day of his life" and how excited he is – I think he is more excited than I am honestly! That’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me – sometimes I do forget how lucky I am!
Post # 9
(Hugs). I think it’s understandable to have some of these feelings surface around wedding time. (As you catch stories of brides doing this or that with their moms, and guest lists involving extended family.) But think how wonderful your FI family is, and how lucky you are to be marrying into a family that you can now call yours. It’s too bad you all will be living far from each other.
It sounds like they’re great. If you feel like you can tell FMIL about the situation, I would. I can’t imagine that she won’t find out there’e something up with your mom, eventually. But I guess you have to figure out if it’s the right time.
Post # 10
Thanks Tanya123. The hardest part is when everyone asks about my family being excited.
FMIL knows all about my mom – my FI (against my wishes but it might actually be better that he did this) told her every gorey detail of my childhood when he was back home for a visit once. I didn’t even know he did this until last year b/c she has never behaved any differently towards me – and there is some really pretty out there stuff that I stil shudder to think he told her – things I didn’t tell anyone before I met him. When I first visted them in NZ it was shocking to me how nice they were – it was like they got a memo saying "be extra nice to wildstyle, she’s not used to this famly thing."
I think FMIL is just having a hard time believing that the rest of my family is not interested in my wedding either b/c I think she is so caring and kind that it upsets her that I don’t come from a loving and supportive family like the one she created for my FI, but I do think it might warrant further explanation.
Post # 11
wildstyle, I’m so glad that you found such a loving family! When people ask about how excited your family is, maybe tell them the same thing you told us–your best friend-practically family-is saying it will be the most exciting day of HIS life. Who wouldn’t grin about that?
Post # 12
Thanks everyone, really. You guys truly make me feel like I really have nothing to be sad about! In fact, in reading your posts I am starting to feel pretty happy to have turned around the crappy situation I experienced in my childhood and made a life that is so much better for myself (pats self on back) with a wonderful stable guy who is perfect for me.
Big hugs 🙂
Post # 13
wildstyle, I am so sorry that you’re feeling badly. I also have a very small family but over the years I have learned that sometimes the family that counts the most is the one you CHOOSE…and with your lovely future in-laws, and friends traveling halfway around the world to celebrate your love, well – it sounds to me as if you have a WONDERFUL family. I hope you have a very joyous celebration with them on your big day. We look forward to being part of planning it and I am sure you’ll find some more "virtual" family here at Weddingbee who will excitedly share in your big day from afar!
Post # 14
I’ve been so crazy busy with work and I did want to just get back in touch with everyone that posted here to tell you how all of your heartfelt comments have really REALLY helped me work through this issue. Seriously. I mean it – you guys really helped put things in perspective.
And since I put my feelings about this out into the world…it seems like everything has been falling so perfectly into place to make me feel better about my mom and my family situation. My friend, who is a little bit older, saved her Vera Wang wedding dress from her wedding a few years ago to her 2nd hubby. She told me that it would mean so much to her if I would consider wearing her dress (we’ll see – they may have to take in the chest area quite a bit…hahaha). Of course, she also made a few comments about how you have to be “some kind of amazing woman” to pull of this dress and I should have no problem – that is nice too!
If that’s not an example of your friends making you feel like they are truly family, I don’t know what is. And yeah, gratis Vera is nice too! I already have a beautiful Romona Keveza dress…but that’s a topic for a whole other board huh?
xoxo love to you all
Post # 15
Wear them both- one to the ceremony and one to the reception! I am so happy to hear you are doing well! Enjoy this wonderful andunique time in your life!
Post # 16
You can be honest and blunt without going into too much detail. Just say, “my family wont be involved we re not very close” thats it, and tell ur fiance to tell his family not to ask