Embarrassed with my engagement ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What should I do?
    Walk away : (20 votes)
    59 %
    Confront my mother inlaw : (1 votes)
    3 %
    Continue to ask for my ring : (5 votes)
    15 %
    Just sit and wait : (8 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    3406 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @Karidee:  What happened to the other ring? Can we see a picture of your current ring?

    I’m sorry this happened!

    Post # 4
    393 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    what happened to the 3 stone ring? 

    what about his finances? maybe he cant offer what you expected? 

    I would definitely not be hiding my ring or even stop telling people your engaged. its not all about the ring but it sounds like you need to have a conversation about it. maybe ask what kind of band he likes and maybe throwing in your preferences on a band or an engagment ring set?

    Post # 5
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    Sounds to me like he gave you a “shut up” ring and he’s not totally committed to marrying you.  With your date being in 2016, I am guessing it’s a place holder and not your real date and that no deposits have been made.  I would confront him about marriage, not the ring specifically, to find out if he still wants to get married.  If the ring hasn’t been replaced or upgraded in 2 years and no actual wedding plans have been made in stone, then I don’t believe you are really engaged to be married.

    P.S. It was extremely rude of your potential FMIL to say anything about your ring.

    Post # 6
    6812 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m not sure I could marry a guy who only wanted me back bc he thought another guy gave me a ring and lied and showed me a ring he said was for me, but it wasn’t and gave me some ring that I hate and said he’d get me another one but didn’t. I mean, it’s just disrespectful, deceitful and stringing you along.

    Post # 7
    451 posts
    Helper bee

    Yeah, a serious conversation with him seeems to be in order.  No walking on eggshells or pussy-footing around either.  If he gets mad when you talk directly about it, so be it.  My mantra has always been “Don’t be afraid to rock the boat, if someone falls out they weren’t meant to be in there with you”. 

    In addition to what HE wants and thinks maybe you need to think about what YOU want. 

    UGH – do you want FMIL in your life for years and years?  While lots of people have successful relationships despite awful inlaws, for the most part families need to get along or at least be respectful.  She sounds like she has a screw loose. 

    And really, the man is not an idiot.  The ring you saw years ago from him was much nicer than this one.  He is well aware that the ring would be a disappointment.  That alone is a problem.  I have to agree with PP that it may be a shut-up ring.  I don’t mean to be harsh but I’ve been given one before and it hurts when you realize what it really meant (or didn’t  mean) to him.  He also has to be aware his mother told you and the world it was a stand-in ring and that she and he were going to shop for a nicer one.  So why hasn’t he followed through?  And why on earth would he have taken HER in the first place?  He needed to be taking you so you could tell him what you like.

    I think there’s a bit of an Oedipal/Reverse Electra think going on here.  She is your competition for his and his families favors (ick) and he isn’t standing up to her – even letting her embarass and bully you to stay in her good graces.  Not good juju to insert yourself into

    Post # 8
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Karidee:  I don’t think this is just about wanting a different ring for materialistic reasons. This is about the symbol of his committment to you not actually being that at all. Like a PP said it’s a “shut up” ring and I think you know that so you don’t like the ring. You now what I mean? Like it isn’t actually the ring itself but what it means? (Or doesn’t mean?)

    You FMIL was way out of line. Don’t marry this dude.

    Post # 9
    2052 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Karidee:  The only person whose opinion matter about the engagement ring is yours.  IF you want to keep the ring as an engagement ring, I don’t think it’s necessary to confront your FMIL, I would just keep wearing it.

    There are some bees who get their rings and they are devistated, embarrased, don’t like their ring and don’t get the opprotunity to upgrade.  I will say that you could consider yourself fortunate that you have the OPTION to get a more official ‘engagement ring’, but don’t feel obligated to get a different one if you don’t want to.  If you did want to, I wouldn’t say there is anything wrong with taking your current Ering and wearing it on your right hand, with the new ring on the left hand.

    FWIW:  Some men might not care about the ‘ring’ but families do.  If she is embarrased because of the ring that her son wanted to get you, that is HER crap to work through.  I say this because personally, I have no interest in a diamond ring, I don’t even want a ring….but my SO has it in his head from HIS family that a ring has to be 3 months pay or 10% of your salary. 

    Congrats on being engaged!

    Post # 10
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Karidee:  So let me get this straight:

    • You were with this guy for 3 years
    • Y’all broke up because he wasn’t ready to commit
    • Then he thought your birthday present to yourself was from another guy (or was that part of why you two broke up? Kind of confusing)
    • Then he showed you the 3 stone ring he bought for your engagement and y’all got back together
    • 2 yrs later he proposed with a different ring that is much smaller, a gemstone, and not the ring he showed you before y’all got back together
    • Then your FMIL tells you and everyone else she meets that that’s not your real engagement ring and she and her son would go shopping soon
    • Now it has been 2 years after the proposal (so 7 years since y’all first started dating?) and there has been no wedding planning, no new engagement ring, and FMIL is against you
    • Oh, and you don’t like the ring you have

    Did I get it right?


    Wow that’s confusing! I agree with @SomedaymrsWDS  that you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your man (truthful, honest, raw conversation where everything is revealed). I’m personally more concerned with the fact that in the 2 years following the engagement there has been no wedding planning. That makes me afraid that the guy might not be serious about marrying you on your timeline (assiming you want to get married soon) or ever. I hope you don’t take that the wrong way, obviously I don’t know your SO or your relationship, but no wedding planning = no wedding in my mind. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, you can get married at City Hall for 50$ and not have a reception, but you didn’t mention a date or having done anything that relates to actually planning your wedding in your OP.

    Additionally your FMIL sounds like an overbearing person. Your engagement and your engagement ring are none of her business. That is between you and your FI. And quite frankly, so is anything else related to your wedding unless she is paying for it.

    Post # 11
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee


    “my SO has it in his head from HIS family that a ring has to be 3 months pay or 10% of your salary”

    Interesting thought, because 3 months’ pay = 25% of yearly salary. Is the idea that it must at least be 10% of the salary but can be 25%?

    Post # 12
    2052 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @MissMarple:  Maybe I posted that wrong-Is it 3 weeks or 2 months salary?  I forget what the saying is…but I think it depends on how much you make or something like that.

    For example, SO’s brother (fbil) got his wife a 10k ring and he makes 100k a year.  And they made a HUGE HUGE HUGE deal out of it.  Ever since then SO has been going on and on how about 10% of your pay or x amount of months of paychecks—which I had never heard of, my dad gave my mom a pearl as an engagement ring and they didn’t have a wedding lol.


    Post # 13
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @veryberry13:  I always heard it was 2 months of salary, which is like 17%. But then recently I heard someone say 3 months, which is 25% and that seems like a lot to me.

    Lol, my parents were poor and had just graduated from medical school so they had no money for any of that stuff. I think both my father’s and mother’s parents pitched in for the engagement ring and then my parents semi-eloped at the courthouse because there was just no money at that point. They only had two of their friends attend as witnesses, that’s why I say it was a semi-elopement.

    My mother’s parents actually eloped. So I tease my mom by saying I’m going to be the 3rd (or possibly 4th because my great-grandma may have eloped too iirc) generation in our maternal family line to elope and then she tells me I can’t do that to her. Lol. It might actually happen because SO and I aren’t going to have real jobs for another 5 years. That’s what happens when two people stay in school forever. 😉

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