Embarrassing & Sad Medical Situation… :( Just need to vent (LONG)

posted 3 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Anon172:  My FI & I were having a discussion last night about how sex is one of the most important things in a marriage according to research. But then we both agreed that it’s not about having kinky hardcore sex or like it came out of a porno, it’s about showing that person you care and want to be close. We both agree that you can have a great close sex life even without frequent penetrative sex. As long as you do what you can to make him feel loved and cared for in the bedroom (which it seems that you do!), then it is his responsibilty to consider your physical state as well. The fact that you make an effort is very important.

I think one important thing is to not always talk about sex with your FI in a negative light (such as: “I wish we could have a more normal sex life.” “I wish I enjoyed this more, because I feel bad that I dont.” etc…). The sex life that you share with your FI is normal for YOU, and it’s important to dwell on what is right in your sex life instead of wrong. If I’m being honest, I think I may have some sort of problem sexually as well, consider that it hurts, at least somewhat, 70% of the time. We just do what we can to work around it, and have fun with each other. I’m sure your FI understands where you are at with this; you can’t be made to feel guilty about something you can’t control.

Post # 4
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry. I don’t have this issue, but since giving birth, sex has been really painful for me. I’ve seen a doctor and it turns out that on the mini-pill, my estrogen levels have plumeted (my doctor actually said “it’s like a dessert down here…”), but since I’m nursing, I can’t switch back to my old pill or it may affect my supply. I am doing some treatment, and it was better for awhile, but got worse again. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment coming up, so hopefully it will improve again…

I only share all that to say, I get where you are coming from. There is definitely a huge guilt factor, even though DH tries to make me feel better about it. We’ve probably had sex 10 times in the last 7 months. And I pretty much cringed through it every time. 

It’s certainly not the same, because my issue will eventually go away, but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel, and it is super hard. Have a really frank discussion with your doctor about things you may be able to do to improve how it feels, keep communication open with your SO, and explore other things you can do to make one another feel good!

Post # 5
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think something like 1 in 3 to 1 in 5 women have a retroverted uterus (I’m one of them), so it’s a lot more common than you think. Can you talk to your doctor about this or maybe find a sex therapist in your area? They may have some recommendations.

Also, are you sure that all of your pain is due to your uterus? There may be another underlying condition.

Post # 6
Member
4212 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have a co worker with the same issue. I’m wondering if there isn’t something else going on in your situation, like vaginismus or maybe endo. Many women don’t have painful intercourse with retro. I would check with a sex therapist, maybe a pelvic floor specialist, etc. 

Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Anon172:  I agree that beign intimate isnt just about penetraion. And it seems like you are making his sex needs 100% priority!! Dont beat yourself up over this, it isnt your fault…

 

on a lighter note… you can let him go in the back door?.. (kinda serious)

Post # 8
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @Kat:  Wow girl, that was AMAZING… lol, are you sure you aren’t my age ???

This post was EXTREMELY wise !!  And something that most people I think would only be able to frame into words after having lived thru the experience.

— — —

TO @Anon172:  for sure, SEXUAL Feelings and Interaction are an important part of marriage, and relationships that can maintain that element of “sexual playfulness” are ones that have a lot of LOVE in them, and long term viability…

BUT what goes on in the bedroom, can be vastly different for each couple… (there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG)… and it is also something that everyone has to figure out for themselves… be that because of a difference of opinion, tastes, likes, desires, or sometimes physical needs / limitations.

No where does this become more apparent in life than as we age.  Sex changes dramatically as you age… what you think / do / feel at 25 is different than what it is the reality at 35, 45, 55 or beyond.  With each stage of life comes about changes.

Sex is a combo of both mental / emotional and physical.  And over time, those elements can change due to circumstance, health, etc.

At my age, I know many couples who’s sex life looks vastly different than the one they shared as younger people… BUT it is just as special to them… just in a different way.

I would say that my own sex life now is waaaay more about the Quality of the time we spend together in the bedroom and our emotional connection, than the acrobatic sex, or the quantity of sex I might have enjoyed in my 20s & 30s.

I also have friends & family members who are waaay older than me…  in their 70s and 80s who also have fulfilling loving sexual relationships… and from the tid-bits they’ve shared I know that it isn’t necessarily penetration that they are relying on.

So I wouldn’t be too quick to beat yourself up over not being some Sexual Goddess in the Bedroom (because in the eyes of your man, you are)… in reality you are working with the elements that you bring to the relationship… which is the same thing that WE ALL deal with inside and outside of the Bedroom Door.

That said,

I agree with Jess1483: , UberClaire: & YUNO1:  you will want to explore all the resources available to you to see if there aren’t otherways to “get there” as a couple

And YES Communication as always is THE KEY ELEMENET in every Marriage.

Hope this helps (( HUGS ))

 

Post # 9
Member
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can’t give you too much medical advice on this one (although I think you might want to look into vaginismus, too, given your mental state about this), but I just want to give you a HUG for all the bad feelings you have built up around this!

You guys are going to be just fine. You have a sex drive, which is more than many women have, whether due to antidepressants, stress, hormones, or resentment of their partner! You just have a (very understandable) preference for certain modes of intimacy over others. Your fiance seems totally willing to work with this, so take him at his word. Work on enjoying the pleasure that the two of you can easily have together.

I was with my now-husband for nearly 5 years before we had actual penetrative intercourse. There were lots and LOTS of orgasms exchanged before that point, though. Even after we moved on to PIV sex — there are still plenty of times that our sessions don’t necessarily conclude with penetration. Sometimes it’s nice to just give (or get) oral sex. I guarantee you that if you embrace the creative possibilities of the blow job, your fiance is NOT going to complain. Sex is as much about intimacy as about the specific configuration in which the orgasm happens.

I do think that you may want to talk with your gynecologist or a counselor who specializes in sexual issues about this, just to help you work through some of these issues and maybe see if there’s anything you can do about the pain. If it does turn out to be as much vaginismus as the tilted uterus (which is my theory), there are all kinds of things you can try and gradually work up to. If this is the case, you guys should think of it less as, like, this big bad shameful medical condition that has to be treated and more like a workout program that you’re both committed to.

Post # 10
Hostess
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry you are having problems.  I have endometriosis and chronic pelvic pain and we just have to take it one day at a time.  Some days, it hurts too much to finish by penetration so we take care of each other in other ways.  Your fiance needs to be willing to work with you and should want to get you off in any way possible, whether it is oral, manual, or through penetration.  Just find what works for the two of you.

I would also suggest seeing if you can find a specialist who might be able to help you manage the pain from your condition.

Post # 11
Member
5421 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@cmbr:  This.

I have endo, and also an inverted uterus, as do a lot of women I know with endo (it seems to be more common in women with endo for some reason). I experience extremely painful natural periods, and also extremely painful intercourse; but in my case, it’s down to the endo. So, I do think that if you also suffer badly with your periods, you need to get endo ruled out; as if you DO have endo, it could well be the cause, and it can be treated (I’ve had two ops and while sex isn’t pain-free, it is much better than it was before my ops; I’m also on hormonal contraception to stop my periods which obv gets rid of the period pain, and, because the pain durig intercourse is worse during and around my period, it also helps with that too).

Otherwise, I would say that penetrative sex is not the be all and end all; I make sure I pleasure my partner in other ways the times that full sex is not possible. I have also learnt to adapt eg certain positions (doggy for eg) are out of the equation, as they exacerbate the pain, so we focus on positions which are more comfortable.

It can be very difficult, and upsetting, for both of us, but, we’ve been together for 7.5 years now and have what I think is a healthy, fun sex life despite the issues. It took me a long time to accept that sex will never be totally pain-free, but now that I have, I feel better able to deal with it.

Post # 12
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

This is going to sound bad… Is anal any better?

I don’t mean do it all the time, but adding it to your repitoire can allow for penetrative sex that doesn’t make you want to cry.

I’m sorry you and FI have to deal with this!

Post # 13
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have a retroverted uterus. I think it’s fairly common and I’ve been with bigger men anid didn’t experience the pain you are describing, just initial discomfort I quickly got over 🙂 are you sure it’s about that and not something else?

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