(Closed) Embracing the Present Moment

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee

@MountainWolf:  I think you can hope for the future while still enjoying your present. Grad school can be isolating so perhaps build relationships with other students? I am sure if yall are headed to marriage your SO wants the same future you do and it wont be too long.

Post # 4
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@MountainWolf:  I absolutely feel this way ALL of the time. I am 24 years old and am still in college as well (yay). The only differences are that my boyfriend and I live togeather (for the past year and a half), I am still an undergraduate student, and we have a cat. I have dubbed this “phase” my quarter-life crisis. Feeling stuck in-between adolesence and adulthood, with wanting the future to be here “now.”

Focus on graduate school and any research opportunities that are available to you. Working through graduate school will help you move closer to your future. Go out with friends, or even take up a new hobby or two. Try something that you have always wanted to.

With your relationship try listing things on a daily basis, for a month, that you like about your relationship at the moment. This may help you appreciate your relationship for what it is now, instead of having thoughts of “our relationship will be better when we are engaged/married.”

I know that it is hard, but it really helps to try to find the good in your life as it currently is.

Best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

Aside from the grad school part, I feel exactly the same way (and we’re the same age!). When my SO and I started dating I knew we were heading for marriage, and have been wishing away the ‘dating part’ so we can hurry up and be secure and together forever! It’s been 2 years of this ‘wishing’ now, and although friends have said ‘savour the dating years, they’re so short compared to how long you’ll be married’, I can’t help but want the future to be NOW!

I wish I could give some advice but I haven’t figured out a solution yet!

Post # 6
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MountainWolf:  Sorry this is so long, but are we twins?! I understand where you are coming from- I am also 25 and in grad school!  I live alone and SO lives alone.  I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want to live with him until we were al least engaged.  But our 3 year anniversary is in May… and we looked at rings last June and we are still in the same spot.  I feel like I want to live with him just because I am so tired of feeling like we aren’t getting anywhere!!  Since we have been dating, a couple (who are mutual friends of ours) got married, bought a house, got a dog, had a child, and got a second dog… and we are still dating… it’s so so so frustrating.

A good friend of mine just started dating a girl a few months ago and he is so happy and in love.  He gets so excited when they have weekend plans.  And I feel resentful and bitter and angry- which not only makes me rethink whether I want to spend the rest of my life with SO but sometimes on my darkest days whether I want to even keep waiting or call it quits. The problem is that I can never stay mad at him!

I have good days and bad days.  On good days it is effortlessly easy to be happy in the present.  But on bad days, I don’t know if there is anything he could say or do (besides proposing already) that would cheer me up.  I am either really sad or completely numb, I can’t stop thinking about timing and dates and second guessing what he is doing, I am not productive, and have a hard time focusing on other things.  At first I would try to avoid SO on bad days and sulk by myself.  Yesterday I was having a rough day and I told SO not to come over bc I have too much work to do for school, so he didn’t.  On my way home, a song that reminded him of me came on the radio- and I instantly missed him.  I wished I hadn’t cancelled our plans and couldn’t wait to squeeze him to pieces.  I am hoping that I can find several songs that make me miss my man and have an uplifting soundtrack.  It sounds silly, but I’m desparate to try anything!  I can’t stand being so discontent and unhappy about our relationship status- I become this person I don’t recognize.  If you do find something that works, please share!

Post # 7
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MountainWolf:  

@HeartsandSparkles:  Oh my, you are both so much like me. I am also in grad school– a little less than halfway through– and because my school is 3 hours away from my SO’s and my home, I have a room in a house with 3 other women and live apart from him a lot (my SO and I have lived together full-time before, and it is great. . . but I have no idea when that will be able to happen again in the next year and a half or so because of grad school, internships, thesis, etc. etc.). I’m 25 too, have been with my SO for 4 years, and have major waiting anxiety. I know he and I agreed that we’d be engaged before SIX years together, but that is too far away when I think about the timeline of finishing school, planning a wedding, having married time together before trying to have kids, and having kids– which I want to start doing around age 30. There’s really not too much time in there, and I don’t think my SO understands this. And it’s so awkward to talk to him about it– I desperately want our relationship to be more than “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” (he introduces me as his girlfriend still, after this long!! I hate that!) and I hint all the time but I don’t feel we can talk about it openly. . . it sucks.

I just am scared to bring it up to him, especially since the way things are going at grad school for me I may be here a little longer than I originally thought (I switched concentrations and will need to take an extra class or two). I am very tired of never having enough of my own money to help with the bills, or get fun, nice things, or take my SO out to dinner. I hate that at 25, my parents are still helping me with school expenses because the loan interest was too high to get all the loans I would have needed. I got very upset when, coming back from the winter break, another woman I know here had gotten engaged over the holidays with a nice sapphire ring. . . agh!

I think that people do get married in the midst of grad school pretty often– I know 2 people at my school who are getting married to their respective partners next fall– when school is in session, no less! So it’s not like it can’t be done, by any means. MountainWolf, what if you discussed a potential timeline with your SO? Have you done so? I think that would really help the stuck and isolated feeling– if you aren’t sharing your longing to be married and live together with him, I imagine that is contributing to the isolation. I definitely feel like my problems with talking to my SO about this, and the resultant break in communication, can make me feel horribly isolated. It doesn’t help that NO ONE around me is waiting like I am. I do have a lot of friends and acquaintances, who are nice about how I feel about all this, but they don’t get it. That’s why I’m here, to talk to people who understand.

Anyway, I feel a little better after saying all that. . . I hope you feel better too, now that we’ve all discovered that there are a few of us here in similar situations.

Post # 9
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@MountainWolf:  As cliche as it sounds I think that exercise might help – running and yoga do a lot for me in terms of allowing me to embrace the present moment. Maybe you can give either of those a try?

Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@MountainWolf:  Also do useful things like deep condition your hair and smile at strangers (but not in a creepy way that makes kids ask “mommy why is that lady smiling at me?”). One of the best things for me is to do something nice for another person – that always helps keep me grounded!

Post # 12
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MountainWolf:  I am so glad to hear you are feeling better!  Yay Having apositive attitude makes a huge difference!! I never realized it before but I think taking care of yourself has a lot to do with it as well- last night I made chicken roulade and prosciutto wrapped asparagus for dinner with my girlfriend and got enough sleep last night and I feel amazing today!! I think being in grad school while waiting is a challenge bc lots of nights I have a crap dinner like Mac n cheese or slices of lunch meat and Oreos, don’t get enough sleep, don’t exercise and am already stressed about school in addition to being anxious about waiting. I resolve to try to take better care of me, and encourage you ladies to do the same!! much love to the grad school waiting bees!!

Post # 13
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MountainWolf:  

@Creiddylad:  

@HeartsandSparkles:  

 

I am SO glad I opened this thread. I could have written all of those posts myself! I am also still a student (23/almost 24) and have at least 3 years left with grad school…yuck. These past couple weeks especially I have been feeling incredibly stagnated and bored with EVERYTHING it seems like. 

My SO can tell something is up, but I don’t know how to put what I feel into words without either unintentionally hurting his feelings or starting a fight. I feel like this is half the reason I put so much weight on a proposal/getting married – because even if I feel like I’m moving at a snails pace when it comes to school/a career at least I can feel like I’m making progress in SOME aspect. Plus being together for 5 years and watching every single one of my close girlfriends (literally every single one) meet their husbands/get engaged/get married during that time is irritating. Sigh. It’s been a whole string of bad waiting days lately, and I’m so glad to know that I am not alone!!! Makes me feel less crazy. 🙂 

 

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