- 5 years ago
I need some support. For the past little while, I have found it increasingly difficult to be satisfied with where I am in my life at the moment. I just want it to be the future, and I want that future to be now, if you know what I mean. My life, in many ways, feels a bit stagnant. I am in grad school, but I am feeling terribly tired of school work. I am feeling tired of being a perpetual student. I am feeling tired of having to work in meaningless part-time jobs or in internships that pay no money. I can only dream of one day earning a salary and working in my field. It feels perpetually juvenile, like I am stuck in adolescence and can’t move forward to real adulthood. Likewise, I am feeling so tired of living alone in my apartment. Though I liked it for awhile when I was younger, because of all the freedom it once meant, I now just feel like I have been there and done that for long enough, and I crave having someone to come home to. I crave having the companionship of my SO closer. And add to this my budding baby bug. I am in no way ready to have a baby. As silly as it may seem, I am a dog lover and am feeling desperate to get a puppy, but at this point in my life I can’t get one, which just adds to my sense of frustration. While I am starting to feel the baby bug, I am not even at a point in my life where I can get a puppy! Though I am 25, I feel as if I am stuck in a college-like state, and I am just getting sick of it!
I am afraid that I failed the Shut It Up Pact tonight (again!) as I brought these feelings up with my SO. This was the first time that I was over at his place to greet him when he got home from work. Usually we do not do that. If it is a weeknight, I will come over either right before dinner or after we have both eaten dinner separately for a shorter date night. So tonight was a first. And something about this moment – greeting him at his home as he came home from work – felt so much like this future that I feel so ready for that I couldn’t help but mention it. Later on in the night, as I was starting to feel a bit frustrated with the fact that I had to head back to my own home alone and end this fantasy, I listed some of these things I am frustrated with and I spoke too longingly of moving on to that next step in our lives. “Isn’t this wonderful?” I said as we played house for the evening, “A beautiful apartment, someone to come home to, a dog …” Unfortunately, sometimes this feeling of stagnation in the rest of my life bleeds into feeling stagnant in our relationship. I just want to get this show on the road! I start to feel just as tired of just being his girlfriend as I am of every other aspect of my life at the moment. A part of me wants to rush through this dating phase and move on to the next step! And these feelings of frustration just came pouring out. My SO could sympathize but said, “But we still have a year and a half until then. And it will be that much better if we wait for it.” I, of course, logically agree. I tried to reassure him that I am not telling him these frustrations to pressure him. I still wholeheartedly believe in our timeline (engaged this summer and married the summer of 2014, with no plans of moving in together until after the wedding). But I still can’t help but want that future now.
Bees, I truly do not want to wish away these years, and I do not want these feelings of frustration to continue to characterize my life or my relationship. Have any of you ever felt similarly stagnant? How did you learn to embrace the present moment, even if it is not exactly what you want now? I could use your help!