Hi girls. I'm back with a bigger and more important question - is this emotional abuse? I'll try to give you as many details as I can. Please help me sort things out, and share any similiar experiences that you have. I am feeling very overwhelmed.
Ever since we started dating, there have been red flags. It started out small with comments of me being close-minded in regards to my diet, activities, etc. So, I tried new things and if I wasn't good, his negative attitude towards me was very frustrating - something along the lines "why can't you do anything right?"
He would brag about our relationship to others, saying we never had problems or fights, and every time, I would just think about how I tried so hard to avoid these conflicts with him, or otherwise, we would probably have problems. I've always had an unsettled feeling when I am around him - like being careful, editing my thoughts, trying to see things his way first to avoid conflict. I assumed this was just because I dislike confrontation, but I now realize there was a bigger problem. We've gone through a few break-ups in the past, and there was never a reason other than I did not feel happy. He assumed I was going through a crazy phase each time. I think I may have been going through common-sense phases, though.
Now, we live together. It seems like I'm walking on eggshells not to upset him because I feel like he's becoming increasingly critical of me, and how I do things, and what I do. When he tries to correct me - driving, cooking, cleaning, getting ready, etc. - I have started just sarcastically saying okay, and I know this doesn't help, but I don't know what else to do anymore. Then, he calls me negative and says I should get into a good mood, so I don't bring him down. This goes hand-in-hand with the close-minded thing. No one else agrees.
Day-to-day, I feel like he shows no interest in my life. Doesn't even ask me questions about how I am doing. He also gets a short temper and snaps at me often, always over silly things. These are things that most couples would NEVER fight about. Like pumpkin carving, the list of recorded tv shows, or wrong turns. Everything needs to go his way, or it's my fault. I am always on guard to make sure I don't make mistakes, and it is exhausting! I have always been one to assume responsibility, so I thought it was just me, but it isn't.
I admit that I read some websites on emotional abuse last night, and I was scared about how many things on the lists I identified with. So, I talked to my mom and sister about it, and my mom said that both of my parents have noticed things that have worried them. They didn't say anything about it because I am an adult and they trust me to make my own decisions. Well, I wish they would have spoken up because it has been hard for me to pinpoint a "problem," and now I'm realizing that it just may be his character. I always assumed my family liked him, so I really thought I wasn't thinking clearly. My sister said she knows his attitude is "my way or the highway," and she thinks I deserve better.
So, what do I do? We are planning a wedding for next summer. Once, I heard a quote about much of your happiness in life depends on the person you choose to marry. Well, I won't have a happy life then. My heart is telling me that this is not the right relationship for me to pursue, and I am sure many of you will agree with that after reading this. I do not know how to have this very hard conversation with him. Any help or insight or shared experiences will be appreciated.
You need to get out of this relationship and find a man who respects you. Trust me, when I say that there is someone much better out there for you!
I'm sorry you're going through this :( I don't have any experience to share but I firmly believe you should be able to be the real you and be able to say anything without analysing it first around the person you love.
I don't know if it's emotional abuse or if you're just a really bad fit and he's a domineering kind of guy. Regardless, you sound really unhappy and other people pick up on it. You don't have to marry him.
I would identify this with emotional abuse, for sure. It's like they strip away at everything that makes you who you are, until you're just a shell of the person they want you to be.
I'll share a short story with you--
My ex told me not to buy salsa. Like, tomato, onion, garlic salsa, because he hated the smell. One day, I really wanted some, so I bought it anyway. I ate it a couple of hours before he came home, washed all the dishes, opened the windows, and hid the container in the back of the fridge. (Of course, this isn't normal at all, but it was easier than the resulting fight.)
He came home, smelled it, I guess, and screamed at me for three hours through the locked bathroom door. Said I didn't respect him, and I wasn't being a good wife, because if I couldn't do this simple thing for him. That is was no wonder I was fat, if I couldn't stay away from what he asked me not to eat.
Salsa.
When I moved in with my now DH, I remember asking him if I could buy some salsa to keep in the house. I didn't even think about it, i was just so used to asking permission for things. He gave me the weirdest face, said I could buy whatever I wanted to buy, and actually, if I remember right, he went out and bought it for me.
I tell you this, because the way you've been living is not normal. You don't always realize it while you're in it, but once you get out, and away, you see how crazy it really is. You are not married to him now, don't make the mistake of doing it, because if anything, after the wedding, it just gets worse.
I do t know whether its emotional abuse, but it sounds like you are profoundly unhappy in this relationship, and that alone is reason enough to leave. It sounds like your family will be very supportive of you, which is great! Lean on them for support in ending the relationship and canceling the wedding - it sounds like they love you very much and will help you get through it.
It is emotional abuse. He makes you feel awful. Do you feel cherished by this man?
As for calling off the wedding, you already know what to do.
I do not know how to have this very hard conversation with him.
Please switch out your point if view. This is NOT a conversation you need to have with him. This is a DECISION you need to make. Then you just LEAVE. If you attempt to have a conversation it will turn into an argument or you will have to listen to him say negative things about you in an attempt to wear you down and get you to stay. Don't approach it that way. Instead put together your exit plan and then execute it. THEN INFORM HIM THAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND IT IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. don't engage in conversation. If he starts to talk negatively about you..... Hang up, stop texting or leave. If he tries to stop you..... Call for help - the police if you think he could get physical.
good luck!
Is he older than you, more educated, or more advanced in some way? This sounds a lot how one of my best friends was treated. She started dating a man older than her, and much farther along in his career. We always teased her how he treated her like a dumb "little sister" instead of a partner. He always looked down on her, and she felt like she couldn't do anything right, or it was always about him and his needs. They were engaged but recently broke up, and she is dating a guy who treats her like a queen, but most importantly, an equal.
@secretbee1234321: It might not qualify as emotional abuse but he sounds like a controlling jerk. He will probably get worse after marriage. Some women don't mind controlling men but if you don't want to be with one, you might not want to marry him.
Get out of this before the wedding! I was in a similar relationship from the age of 24 to 29. I wanted what my sister had - the perfect relation with a wonderful husband & father who respected me and treated me like an equal. I noticed some "red flags" too, but I figured all people fought/ had problems.
I remember our first fight - He wanted me to take a picture of him with a manual camera (something I didn't know how to use) when we were in a moving car on our way to the mountains. I couldn't figure it out, so I I told him he would have to show me later when he wasn't driving. That turned into him saying I didn't care about his interests or learning his hobbies. We were silent the entire way up the mountain.
My family hated him. Actually, my sister told me that I didnt have to go through with the wedding, but I didn't listen.
Once, when my son was a newborn, I went to the grocery and bought a bag of potatoes. I didn't realize we already had a bag at home. We're talking about a $3 bag of potatoes. He yelled at me over this and told me I had to take it back - with a newborn at home. My mom offered to pay for the bag, but he didn't care. It was about his control over me.
He would make fun of me in public. I got an overdrawn notice from my bank once in the mail. (Not something that happened often) My parents were in town to take us to dinner. We got in a huge fight (I mean he got in a huge fight with me). Yelling and threatening to not come to dinner. He eventually came to the restaurant, but proceeded to belittle me in front of my parents (loudly enough so people could hear).
I walked on eggshells all the time. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. What was I doing to make him so angry all the time? But the truth is I wasn't doing anything wrong. The physical abuse started next.
Please leave for your sanity and safety. You don't deserve this kind of relationship. I went through a nasty divorce and custody dispute. I am with a wonderful man who treats me like gold now. We are getting married in June. He loves my son like his own & I couldn't be happier.
The one thing that stuck out in your past was where he told you you were having a "crazy phase" when you had arguments. My ex husband told me I was crazy all the time. Any time I expressed an opinion (not just a differing opinion, but any opinion about anything) I was suddennly crazy. You are not crazy. xoxo
@secretbee1234321: in all honesty, i think you know the answer as to what you need to do. trust me, it's easier said than done. it took me years to come to the conclusion that my ex was simply a controlling jerk and that i didn't need to feel like i was walking on eggshells around him. when i finally kicked him out, there was such a relief. i felt free. seriously, it was like waking up from a bad dream.
you have the support from your family. focus on your life and your goals. you need to be happy yourself.
@secretbee1234321: This is 200% emotional abuse. If you want you can go through this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/one-day-in-the-life-of-a-victim and see if you find any common points. I think your SO has a personality disorder as well. Whatever it might be, do NOT marry this person. Or else, I promise, you'll be in for a world of trouble. Please pay attention to the warning of a fellow victim. It only gets worse from here.
Why does it matter if someone labels it abuse? You're unhappy, so just leave.
If you are at any time not comfortable just being you with your partner, then you're not where you need to be. He should love you as you are for who you are, and you deserve NOTHING less. I learned this the hard way, and would very much like you to be happy, even if I don't know you. I promise, as hard as changing your path may look, when you get onto the path you want to be on its so very much worth it. My ex husband was very much like what your describe, eventually he cheated on me and tried to convince me his new girlfriend should live with us too, and maybe I should have my own room. When I said in no uncertain terms no, he said I just, "didn't have a big enough mind to see his vision." Wish I'd realized before divorce became necessary! Now I have an amazing fiance, life is amazing, and I can't tell you how nice it is to simply be loved.
@msfahrenheit: +1. Don't let this jerk scar you for future relationships. JUST LEAVE!!!
@secretbee1234321: You already said you aren't happy, you're apprehensive around him, and your family is concerned.
Dodge the bullet.
You need to get out of the relationship, if you love him leave at least until he gets help. It wont get any better unless he gets help. I've been there in more than one relationship and no, not all relationships are like this, no not all men are like this. You CAN be happy. I gave up on men completely at the end of my last relationship. But when I met my FI we took things slow and he helped me find myself and helped me find hope in relationships.
My ex was abusive in every way but I have always and will always say that his emotional abuse was the worst part of him. It is horrible always thinking "It's not worth the fight" you loose everything about yourself and I had no idea who I was when I left him. A few days before I left I went and saw a lawyer (since he and I were married and have a child together) he thought I was at the doctors office. I decided I would leave at the end of the month (I saw the lawyer on October first).
Three days later he sent me to McDonalds to pick up some dinner. When I came back I forgot his bbq sauce. If you're with someone abusive in any way you know how scary it can be to do something like this. Within minutes of getting home sh** hit the fan. Well I should say bbq sauce hit the fan. He took his food and threw it into the kitchen(literally threw it) calling me all kinds of things along the lines of "stupid bit**" and "worthless piece of sh**" and "useless mother and wife" you know the drill. That night I decided to leave. I woke up (I was sleeping on the couch for like 6 months leading up to this point) really early and got my daughter and left the apartment before he woke up.
I wont go into all the details of leaving but I cried when i was driving across country back to my families. And not a drop of those tears were for what was lost in the relationship, it was all for what was lost within me and then it turned to a cry for hope. I hadn't felt hope in so long I forgot how wonderful it could feel. To be able to hope for happiness and a bright future was so exhilirating it made me cry. People take something like hope and think it's nothing real special but when you don't have hope, you don't have anything. And his words to me crushed all of my hope for years.
I lived in my car for 6 months after I left through the really cold winter, snow and all until I could save up enough money to get my own place. But those 6 months were one of the best times of my life because I finally found myself again, all of the joys of being a human came back and I was able to finally feel happy again. Be free be myself and learn who I was again. Something you can't do when you're in an abusive relationship.
If you love the man there is hope for a better relationship, if that's what you want. But not if you continue to sit back and not if he doesn't get help. In my case it started with only emotional abuse and eventually got to physical abuse and ended up with sexual abuse as well. It doesn't get better only worse if you don't get out and he doesn't get better.
I will be thinking about you and hope that you update soon. If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me.
Based on what you've said here, I'm not sure that I'd consider this emotional abuse. However, it's not like there's a rule that says you can only leave a relationship if you're being emotionally abused. It sounds like this is a bad relationship and that you're very unhappy. I do think you should move on and try to rebuild some of the self-esteem you've lost in being with this jerk. Please know that you're worth more than the way he's making you feel. I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope you keep us updated. Take care!
I've posted my story here several times, so I won't post it in here and I'll just say that you need to leave. Pack your stuff and tell him that you're done and then leave.
I didn't even read more than the first little bit and I can already tell you you answered your own question. Why would you want to be with someone like that, emotional abuse or not?
The first paragraph says "emotional abuse" already! Girl, you know what to do.
You already know the answer. You should be comfortable with the one you plan to spend the rest of your life with. You should feel valued and supported. Do you feel any of those things with your FI? Yes, canceling a wedding may be messy or even embarrassing. Still beats the hell out of a messy divorce or worst yet, a miserable lifetime.
Trust your gut, if it says "something isn't right" then something isn't right. Your gut will also tell you when you're with the right man. My FI is the most amazing man and when I look back at one of my previous relationships I breath a sign of relief. He was similar to your FI. It was an awful time but at least I knew there was better out there and I was right.
@secretbee1234321: I'll skip straight to the last paragraph.
" Once, I heard a quote about much of your happiness in life depends on the person you choose to marry. Well, I won't have a happy life then. My heart is telling me that this is not the right relationship for me to pursue" - So why marry him if you know you won't be happy? Let's leave out the question of whether it's emotional abuse or not. If you know you won't be happy with him, why are you with him?
" I do not know how to have this very hard conversation with him" - Don't. Just leave.
"Once, I heard a quote about much of your happiness in life depends on the person you choose to marry. Well, I won't have a happy life then. My heart is telling me that this is not the right relationship for me to pursue, and I am sure many of you will agree with that after reading this. "
That right there is enough for me to tell you to end this relationship! Why on earth are you staying? I was probably your age and I had no idea that good relationships were all about how good your picking was! I really thought it was all about luck, but you do get some power in finding a good person you know!
If I had stayed with my ex, my life would not be anywhere near as happy as it is now. My mom had a horrible marriage. She still cries daily about my dad's passing, only because how dysfunctional and wrong it all was. She chose very poorly.
" I do not know how to have this very hard conversation with him"
The conversation about leaving? You just say, "THis relationship is no longer working for me. I wish to end it and I wish you good luck."
As soon as you start explaining what went wrong, you're getting into the negotiating stages and he'll reel you back in.
My ex was emotionally abusive. I was married for 5 years. It comes in all shapes and sizes. there is no cookie cutter template that all abusers fit in. I thought once, We'll my ex only has 50% of the items on the abuser checklist (and there are various lists too), so it must not be enough. DUH if a man has any of the items on an abuser list, then wake up and get out! I thought even good men had to have at least one item from the list. Nope, they do not.
@Quietserenity: +1, espcially about your line of how abuse only gets worse after the wedding.
No one should ever treat you like that . If you notice poor treatment now, I almost GUARENTEE it will only get worse after the wedding. There are so many bees (and my personal friends) who will agree with that. Please take care of yourself, hun.
This is what I think you should do: put yourself first. It is okay to do that. Don't have a conversation about it - leave. It's really great that you talked to your family and I am glad they validated your fears about him. I imagine they didn't say anything as people often don't want to hear it and also they may have been afraid that bad mouthing him might make you withdraw from them.
The fact is that marriage isn't something to do with someone who makes you this unhappy. Please ask your family to help you leave. You do not have to handle it alone.
@secretbee1234321: How are you doing today? What are you thinking about after all these posts?
Like many other Bees have said, you deserve so much better. Like others, I can tell you how amazing it feels to have someone love you completely unconditioanlly.
My ex always commented about my weight. To the point where I stopped eating. When I finally realized how terrible he was treating me and how much better I was than being called a whore or a slut every 5 minutes, I weighed 98 pounds. I was completely broken and I didn't know what how to move forward with my life.
It took almost a year and a lot of him and I going back and forth between being together and breaking up that I finally worked up the courage to leave for good.
I met my current SO not long after that. He told me how beautiful I was all the time, opened the car door, held my hand in public, all the little things that make girls hearts melt. He treats me like a princess. Everything I have been through makes me appreicate the life I have with him so much more.
To everyone who replied to my post, thank you so much. Seeing it from other people's perspectives is so helpful, even though it should seem obvious to me. And I am so happy for all of you who have experienced very bad relationships in the past but ended up getting out of it. I'm glad that you're much happier now.
For the past couple of days, he and I have barely spoken to each other. It is incredibly hard for me to communicate what I am feeling (some of you said I shouldn't try) because I know that he will invalidate what I say. I don't think he knows how upset he makes me a lot of the time because he may honestly believe he's "helping" me, and if I say that I'm just unhappy in our relationship, he will say it's my fault because I've stopped trying.
He tried to talk to me about fixing our relationship, but he eventually gave up and said I was acting like a child. I wish I could say something meaningful, but I couldn't. Now, I just received a text from him asking if I have any intentions at all to fix things between us. I don't, and I think he's figuring that out...but I don't know what to say. I want to say that I don't think we should get married because it doesn't feel right, but for me, that's easier said than done.
Is there any way I can communicate this to him to get my point across, not raise more questions? If you can, please help me again. Thank you.
@secretbee1234321: If you're walking on eggshells you do not feel the freedom to be yourself, express yourself, enjoy your life, and share the person you are with someone who loves you for being you. I have done this before and can say that if you are like I was, you are living scared... a half life is no life at all. Happiness is out there! Claim it! You don't need to explain. Simply say you do not want this relationship anymore. Done.
@secretbee1234321: You NEED to be strong even if you're feeling the weekest you've ever felt. You can't live like this anymore and you think it's beyond repair- tell him these things.
@secretbee1234321: Would you be open to couples couseling? Maybe they can provide some insight for the both of you.
@secretbee1234321: Is there any way I can communicate this to him to get my point across, not raise more questions? If you can, please help me again. Thank you.
Which point do you want to get across to him? That you two should not get married? That you want him to know why it's making it too bad for you to stay with him, in hopes that he'll get it and change???
@sienna76: Yes, my point would be that we should not get married.
He kept bringing up the discussion yesterday, and it's understandable because he needs to know what's going on. I just can't bring myself to say "It's over." Last night, he was like, "Just let me know, and I'll be gone tomorrow. But if you're not willing to work out your problems, no one is ever going to want to marry you. And it's going to be so embarrassing for you when everyone realizes that you just gave up on your commitment for no reason."
I know this isn't true because I don't think these are problems we just work out, and anyone who is my friend will understand why I'm doing this. I tried to explain how I felt about some things, but he countered every single thing I said, saying it was my fault. Like how I don't care about him. It was unbelievable because I know this is not true, but I'm not sure if he really thinks he has the correct perspective.
So....should I just say, "This isn't working, and I don't think we should get married" and let whatever happens after that just happen? Maybe I am overthinking this, it's just a huge step and I've never been in such a situation.
Last night, he was like, "Just let me know, and I'll be gone tomorrow. But if you're not willing to work out your problems, no one is ever going to want to marry you. And it's going to be so embarrassing for you when everyone realizes that you just gave up on your commitment for no reason."
Really? REALLY? Saying it's you who has problems, when it's HIM with the problems. What an asshole. He is not even worth trying to talk to. What you need to say to him is "I'm a great person and someday someone will love to marry me. I'm glad it's not going to be you" and tell him to get out.
Sounds like when I lived with my Aunt (as weird as that sounds).
Just get out of there. This is not worth the trouble and you'll feel better as soon as you're gone.
"So....should I just say, "This isn't working, and I don't think we should get married" and let whatever happens after that just happen? Maybe I am overthinking this, it's just a huge step and I've never been in such a situation. "
In my opinion, if you DO want to be married at some point (as in it's a goal for you), then I do not see a point in staying with this guy if you already know you cannot marry him. You know? What's the point of just dating then? You need to free yourself up so that you can find a Mr. Right.
I know it's hard to say because the unknown is scary, but just say, "This relationship is no longer working for me. I want to end it and wish you luck in life. Here are your things, I want my key back."
"I tried to explain how I felt about some things, but he countered every single thing I said, saying it was my fault."
The goal here is to not get into the explanation mode. There's no reason now to hash anything out, to get anything off your chest, clarify anything; just end it and be done. He doesn't have open ears and he will turn it all around onto you. You don't need that, so just be a broken record if you have to.
Good realtionships that have potential do not put all the blame on their partners.
@sienna76: +1
OP, you are never going to be able to "explain" this to his satisfaction, he will continue to counter EVERY THING YOU SAY.
When I left my ex, he said "You're horrible. No one is EVER going to love you." He then continued to say "You know, you can't come back here..." I remember scoffing inside my head, like "WHY would I want to come back?"
Guess what. Someone does love me. So much that I can't believe it. He's just trying to make you afraid, insecure, and doubt yourself so that he can keep walking all over you.
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