Emotional Abuse?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

You need to get out of this relationship and find a man who respects you.  Trust me, when I say that there is someone much better out there for you!

Member
39 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry you’re going through this :( I don’t have any experience to share but I firmly believe you should be able to be the real you and be able to say anything without analysing it first around the person you love.

Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse or if you’re just a really bad fit and he’s a domineering kind of guy. Regardless, you sound really unhappy and other people pick up on it. You don’t have to marry him.

Member
1516 posts
Bumble bee

I would identify this with emotional abuse, for sure.  It’s like they strip away at everything that makes you who you are, until you’re just a shell of the person they want you to be.

I’ll share a short story with you–

My ex told me not to buy salsa.  Like, tomato, onion, garlic salsa, because he hated the smell.  One day, I really wanted some, so I bought it anyway.  I ate it a couple of hours before he came home, washed all the dishes, opened the windows, and hid the container in the back of the fridge.  (Of course, this isn’t normal at all, but it was easier than the resulting fight.)

He came home, smelled it, I guess, and screamed at me for three hours through the locked bathroom door.  Said I didn’t respect him, and I wasn’t being a good wife, because if I couldn’t do this simple thing for him.  That is was no wonder I was fat, if I couldn’t stay away from what he asked me not to eat.

Salsa.

When I moved in with my now DH, I remember asking him if I could buy some salsa to keep in the house.  I didn’t even think about it, i was just so used to asking permission for things.  He gave me the weirdest face, said I could buy whatever I wanted to buy, and actually, if I remember right, he went out and bought it for me.

I tell you this, because the way you’ve been living is not normal.  You don’t always realize it while you’re in it, but once you get out, and away, you see how crazy it really is.  You are not married to him now, don’t make the mistake of doing it, because if anything, after the wedding, it just gets worse.

Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee

I do t know whether its emotional abuse, but it sounds like you are profoundly unhappy in this relationship, and that alone is reason enough to leave. It sounds like your family will be very supportive of you, which is great! Lean on them for support in ending the relationship and canceling the wedding – it sounds like they love you very much and will help you get through it. 

Member
2118 posts
Buzzing bee

It is emotional abuse.  He makes you feel awful. Do you feel cherished by this man?

As for calling off the wedding, you already know what to do.

Member
500 posts
Busy bee

 I do not know how to have this very hard conversation with him.


Please switch out your point if view. This is NOT a conversation you need to have with him. This is a DECISION you need to make. Then you just LEAVE. If you attempt to have a conversation it will turn into an argument or you will have to listen to him say negative things about you in an attempt to wear you down and get you to stay. Don’t approach it that way. Instead put together your exit plan and then execute it. THEN INFORM HIM THAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND IT IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. don’t engage in conversation. If he starts to talk negatively about you….. Hang up, stop texting or leave. If he tries to stop you….. Call for help – the police if you think he could get physical. 

good luck!

Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

Is he older than you, more educated, or more advanced in some way? This sounds a lot how one of my best friends was treated. She started dating a man older than her, and much farther along in his career. We always teased her how he treated her like a dumb “little sister” instead of a partner. He always looked down on her, and she felt like she couldn’t do anything right, or it was always about him and his needs. They were engaged but recently broke up, and she is dating a guy who treats her like a queen, but most importantly, an equal.

Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee

@secretbee1234321:  It might not qualify as emotional abuse but he sounds like a controlling jerk. He will probably get worse after marriage. Some women don’t mind controlling men but if you don’t want to be with one, you might not want to marry him.

Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Get out of this before the wedding! I was in a similar relationship from the age of 24 to 29. I wanted what my sister had – the perfect relation with a wonderful husband & father who respected me and treated me like an equal. I noticed some “red flags” too, but I figured all people fought/ had problems.

I remember our first fight – He wanted me to take a picture of him with a manual camera (something I didn’t know how to use) when we were in a moving car on our way to the mountains. I couldn’t figure it out, so I I told him he would have to show me later when he wasn’t driving. That turned into him saying I didn’t care about his interests or learning his hobbies. We were silent the entire way up the mountain.

My family hated him. Actually, my sister told me that I didnt have to go through with the wedding, but I didn’t listen.

Once, when my son was a newborn, I went to the grocery and bought a bag of potatoes. I didn’t realize we already had a bag at home. We’re talking about a $3 bag of potatoes. He yelled at me over this and told me I had to take it back – with a newborn at home. My mom offered to pay for the bag, but he didn’t care. It was about his control over me. 

He would make fun of me in public. I got an overdrawn notice from my bank once in the mail. (Not something that happened often) My parents were in town to take us to dinner. We got in a huge fight (I mean he got in a huge fight with me). Yelling and threatening to not come to dinner. He eventually came to the restaurant, but proceeded to belittle me in front of my parents (loudly enough so people could hear).

I walked on eggshells all the time. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. What was I doing to make him so angry all the time? But the truth is I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The physical abuse started next.

Please leave for your sanity and safety. You don’t deserve this kind of relationship. I went through a nasty divorce and custody dispute. I am with a wonderful man who treats me like gold now. We are getting married in June. He loves my son like his own & I couldn’t be happier.

The one thing that stuck out in your past was where he told you you were having a “crazy phase” when you had arguments. My ex husband told me I was crazy all the time. Any time I expressed an opinion (not just a differing opinion, but any opinion about anything) I was suddennly crazy. You are not crazy. xoxo

Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@secretbee1234321:  in all honesty, i think you know the answer as to what you need to do.  trust me, it’s easier said than done.  it took me years to come to the conclusion that my ex was simply a controlling jerk and that i didn’t need to feel like i was walking on eggshells around him.  when i finally kicked him out, there was such a relief.  i felt free.  seriously, it was like waking up from a bad dream.

you have the support from your family.  focus on your life and your goals.  you need to be happy yourself.

Member
443 posts
Helper bee

@secretbee1234321:  This is 200% emotional abuse. If you want you can go through this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/one-day-in-the-life-of-a-victim and see if you find any common points. I think your SO has a personality disorder as well. Whatever it might be, do NOT marry this person. Or else, I promise, you’ll be in for a world of trouble. Please pay attention to the warning of a fellow victim. It only gets worse from here.

Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee

Why does it matter if someone labels it abuse? You’re unhappy, so just leave.

Member
407 posts
Helper bee

If you are at any time not comfortable just being you with your partner, then you’re not where you need to be.  He should love you as you are for who you are, and you deserve NOTHING less.  I learned this the hard way, and would very much like you to be happy, even if I don’t know you.  I promise, as hard as changing your path may look, when you get onto the path you want to be on its so very much worth it.  My ex husband was very much like what your describe, eventually he cheated on me and tried to convince me his new girlfriend should live with us too, and maybe I should have my own room.  When I said in no uncertain terms no, he said I just, “didn’t have a big enough mind to see his vision.”  Wish I’d realized before divorce became necessary!   Now I have an amazing fiance, life is amazing, and I can’t tell you how nice it is to simply be loved. 

 

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