Weddingbee boards

I'll start at the beginning and try to keep it short...

FI and I have been together since 2004. FSIL has been with her bf since 2003, and I get the feeling she thinks getting married is a race/competition... It should also be noted that she and I are NOT close, in fact I feel very uncomfortable around her because she flies off the handle. FI is not as close to her as he was when they were kids because of this too. He doesn't know how to act around her because he never knows what is going to set her off.

FI and I bought a house in July 2009, and before looking at houses, talked about getting married. We both knew it was the next step that we wanted, and it was just a matter of timing. FI bought the ring in July (which I found out from FMIL, "you didn't hear it from me" - terrible, I was so mad) and proposed in August.

In mid-July, I overheard FSIL mention that she was angry FI didn't let her know the exact date that he was popping the question because it meant she couldn't make her bf do it first... talk about taking the wind out of your brother's sails?!

FI proposed at the beginning of August, and everything seemed great... seemed... we talked and decided that we wanted a small bridal party, 4 people on each side. We also talked about siblings and how, if at all, they would be involved. I have three brothers and two SILs, and he has two sisters. We decided since we wanted a small party, that we were not going to have siblings in the party, as if you ask one, in order to avoid hurt feelings, you have to ask all - which would mean my whole side is taken up with SILs, and his with 3 out of 4 being BILs.

Well, FSIL was extremely upset, but did not talk to us about it. Instead, we heard through the grapevine (FMIL, uncles on FI's side, waitresses at her favorite watering hole that are also my friend) that she was spreading rumors/lies about our wedding, telling people I pressured him into proposing, that he wasn't ready to be married and that our venue was over two hours away with no lodging around (it's 45 min away, and 10 min from Boston, where there is PLENTY of lodging). That we were selfish for making people cross state lines to go to our wedding... that I was corrupting her brother because if it were up to him, he would have had her in the party in a heartbeat...

FMIL has been calling FI to tell him "how sad" his sister was because she just "loves" us so much and just "wants to be a part of his special day" and that she doesn't understand why we won't include her... but FSIL has shown NO interest in the wedding, except for talking behind our backs.

So then one of my BM's backed out... and of course, we had made hard decisions to narrow it down to 4 in the first place, so I was very upset. We weren't concerned about having an uneven number, but I was upset to have 3 when there were plenty of people I wasn't able to ask because we limited to 4... FI and I made the decision to have his cousin's wife (one of my best friends, also my makeup artist who has been involved with everything wedding from the beginning) walk down the aisle with her hubby who is a groomsman.

Now FSIL is even MORE mad, because she "wasn't even second choice when someone backed out" and called FMIL to complain about us again. Now FMIL calls FI to let him know how hurt his sister is, etc... and we find out that FSIL has been at it again, spreading hateful, hurtful things about our wedding and about us.

FI feels guilty about not including her, but also says that she's just proving that she shouldn't have been included anyway... but you can tell it's getting to him. I mean, these are the people who are supposed to be our support network, and they're making the whole planning process a nightmare. There are 4 months til our wedding, and I'm not sure how much more we can take...

Thanks MissAsB, I've been trying to just let it roll off my back, but it's been so hard. It seems like every day it's something else, and it's been 9 months now of this type of thing. And his whole family walks on eggshells around her! FMIL and others won't even ask about the wedding if she's around. It makes me really sad for FI. And angry!!!

Thanks JennyChicago - kind of sad that this is the SHORTENED version! There's so much more, FI has talked me out of just hopping a plane to Vegas four times now! While I'm sure we'd regret not having all of our friends and family with us, it sure does look appealing after all of this!!!

What's sad is that when FI and I started dating, she was really fun to hang out with. I dont know when that changed, but now it's just really sad. I mean, I know she wants her boyfriend to propose, but that's something she needs to take up with him, not out on us!!!

Talk about sibling rivalry! It sucks that she is trying to get you sucked up into major drama.  Keep her on the sidelines, where she belongs, and hopefully she can find it in herself to be excited about your day, as opposed to being jealous that everyone isn't focused on her.

Yes, we've tried to explain it to her many times! But she still is taking it personally, which is so frustrating! We've told her that we're not having any siblings in it, but plan to involve them at the reception in other ways (we're doing a sibling dance, we are each picking song that we will dance with our siblings through). And despite this, people have actually asked me why my brothers are groomsmen and she's not a BM.. which is a flat out lie!! Argh!

Sounds like she is super jealous of you & probably wishes she was engaged, getting a house & "settling down". Her behavior is way out of line thou, I'm sorry she's acting so... awful. Not to sound rude, but if she's acting like this, its not going to make her bf want to propose to her any sooner, so she's probably just gonna start acting worse, sadly.

I'd avoid her, if possible. I'm sure that with all the rumors she's spreading, people realize by now not to take her word about your wedding. That's awful of her to make you sound so horrible, when you haven't done anything except get engaged! From all the things she's done, I wouldn't include her in the wedding. All of her lying & trying to get people mad at you doesn't constitute love & support.

You've explained everything to her, so I'd stop trying to cheer her up, just leave her alone. It seems no matter how much you try to explain things, she takes everything wrong & stresses you out. Hopefully, she'll realize how selfish she's being & calm down & be your friend again.

Focus on the people who are supporting you. Don't let 1 "bad apple" ruin your planning. You only get 1 engagement, so enjoy it as best you can :).

Oh & yea I 2nd Miss Chapstick, don't let her be in the bridal party. It will just encourage her that when she acts like she is, she gets her way. No one should be rewarded for behavior like that!

Oh there's NO WAY she's going to get her way! We are definitely standing firm on that one! It's just rough dealing with her behavior as a result... poor FI! I know I'm angry/hurt/etc, but he is definitely getting the brunt of it.  Especially since she called him once in the middle of the night (after, ahem, being out late at the bar...) to tell him that she's upset about our wedding date (9/25/10), not because of the month/day, but because it was in 2010 and didn't give her time to get married first!!!

On top of that, I just heard through the grapevine that she's taking a 22 passenger limo down to the ceremony with some of the other people from FI's dad's side of the family so that they can drink on the way down/back - I just know that they're going to be drinking a lot on the way down, I hope she behaves at the ceremony... argh.

In any case, I'm trying to focus on the good, the people who are supporting us and are excited about this time in our lives. And counting down the days til our honeymoon!!!

Whyyyyy does she want to be married first? I just don't get it! Its not like it changes anything who marries 1st. It sounds like she's trying to upstage you thou, but no matter what she does, in the end, you're going to be happily married & have a beautiful wedding surrounded by your good friends :). Anything she does is out of spite, resentment, or trying to get attention. Just don't let it get to you & if she tells you more things she's doing you can say "oh that's nice" & change subjects. You'll be a lot less stressed if you kinda just "tune her out". Hopefully your FI will agree with you & just kinda let it go. I know its easier said than done, but when you focus on a person who is causing you stress, it makes it worse. Sounds like you're gonna focus on the good things thou & that'll help :). Where are you going for your honeymoon?

Thanks Bees! You guys rock, and your advice has helped me to not be as mad about the whole situation.

We're going to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for our honeymoon so I'm just counting down the days to that! :)

I'd just keep reiterating to any family that asks that you're trying to be fair and keep the wedding small. and you can frown and say "and besides, the only time I ever get feedback from her about the wedding, it's behind my back :-(" and show that it makes you upset.