Emotional vs "rational"

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it’s awesome that you are thinking everything through before proposing. It’s so important to have a clear view of things, especially finances.

That said, just because you don’t make what your SO means doesn’t mean you aren’t equal and can’t contribute in other ways. I made about 1/3 to 1/2 of what my husband does, but I contribute to “us” by managing our household. This is just an example, but I want to show you that it isn’t about everything being an exact split.

Everyone has something to contribute – we all bring something to the table!

One other word though – proposing to make someone happy isn’t a great idea. Propose because YOU are ready to. 🙂

Post # 6
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you shoudl talk to her and let her know how you feel. It’s important that you two can communicate and compromise if you’re getting married. 

Post # 7
Member
1745 posts
Bumble bee

@soontobemrsm11:  I think it’s fine to want to accomplish some things on your own and be independent  before marriage.  Maybe there is a compromise if you communicate about it.

Post # 8
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@soontobemrsm11:  

It is always best to work out your demons before marriage. Of course, this doesn’t mean that different life stages do not bring up old feelings. My husband and I have both been through a lot of painful things. We have worked out many of our issues together but it would have been easier if we did the work prior to meeting each other.

It isn’t a good idea to propose just because you want to make someone happy or you don’t want to disappoint them. Have a heart to heart talk with your girlfriend. Let her know how much you love her but you want to make sure you have some isseus worked out before getting engaged. Set a new timeline or if you still want to propose, have a long engagement.

Post # 10
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@soontobemrsm11:  Okay, set aside all the worries and what ifs and when will we get marrieds. Instead of seeing time as a line, see it as a pool of future happenings, no “this first,” “this second.” (In truth, when you are older, you will look back at all the events and things that happened and MANY of them will only stand out because of what they were, not because of when they occurred.) Do you WANT to be engaged to your SO? Would being officially engaged, having that proof of commitment to each other, make you happy now?

 

The length of time you’re engaged for is not, in my opinion, very important. The difference between two and three years doesn’t matter. You can have your wedding when you have the time to plan it, and when you’re ready for it. If an arbitrary rule about how long an engagement “should” last is making you unhappy, abandon that rule.

 

Also: You deserve happiness now, not “when you are making X money” or “when you are thinner/tanner/more clear skinned.” Please don’t put off happiness. Life is short.

 

Post # 11
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@soontobemrsm11:  I don’t have much advice, but I can empathize a little! I’m working on fishing up my graduate degree, and things are crazy during this final year. My SO has started gently talking about geting engaged, and part of me is super-excited and ready to say “yes” immediately, while the other part of me is thinking, “holy bejeezus, I don’t have time to plan a wedding – I need to focus on graduating first”! I started to feel calmer about the whole issue when I reminded myself that getting engaged doesn’t mean we’d set a date and start planning… it only has to be as all-consuming as we let it. If it would make your SO happy, maybe you could talk to her about getting engaged but NOT planning until you graduate and get a job? Or, maybe she’d understand if you told her about your insecurities, and how much you want your engagement period to be a joyful time in your lives where you can give wedding-planning (and your relationship) your full attention, and you just don’t feel like you can do this while you’re still working on school stuff?

Post # 12
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Jijitattoo:  Great points! We’re all “a work in progress” – don’t think that you have to look perfect to be engaged. Your SO loves YOU, as you currently are… not “imaginary ideal self-actualized you”! You can keep working on personal growth and your appearance throughout your life, no matter what big “milestones” (engagement, marriage, etc) are happening.

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@soontobemrsm11:  

I agree! Maybe you can push it back six months and then not have a long engagement.

I am a big fan of long engagements when there are financial and educational considerations. I understand that not everyone thinks like me and some couples just want to get married.

Of course you want to look your best for your wedding so I have sympathy for your plight in that respect.

I knew a woman whose husband did not want to marry her until he could buy a house. They wanted a family but this woman didn’t care if they had to rent for a little while. Now they have two kids and a house. They married later than she wanted to, but she is glad that they waited to buy a home.

Post # 14
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Maybe talk to your SO and let her know what your life timeline is.. You don’t need to say directly “I’m going to propose when this this and this is done” but just talk about 2, 5 and 10 year plans and where you see your life so that she doesn’t become frustrated with waiting.

That’s what my FI and I did. I simply said that I wanted kids before I’m 30 (which he knew I wanted to be married and well established in my dream career first, when I still obviously needed to graduate and get that job). He was smart and figured it out, but he also told me what he needed to achieve before then (and I’m not silly, I could also be the math!). It’s doesn’t need to be about kids, but you need to talk about something in your life timeline so that she can figure it out!

You need to do what you need to do for yourself, if you don’t you might end up being resentful. You also can’t help each other meet goals if you don’t talk to each other about them!

There are also sooooo many benefits to a long engagement – you have more time to do DIY, sort out all the drama, SAVE FOR THE WEDDING, Vendors will more likely have space etc etc etc

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@soontobemrsm11:  In that case, getting engaged to make your girlfriend happy isn’t fair to either of you. Maybe have a discussion about a reasonable timeline and go from there.

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