Post # 1
Yesterday was Mother’s Day of course, and I hope you all had a wonderful one.
It’s a hard day for me because my mom died 9 years ago, and although it gets easier, it’s been particularly hard to get engaged and plan my wedding without her.
Anyway, my FI and I have been together for about 4 years now and we’ve gone through lots of these tough days (mother’s day, holidays, etc can be tough without her) and I’ve expressed to him with painful clarity what he can do to help me feel better on these days.
Well, yesterday he pretty much proved he doesn’t give a s**t as far as I can tell. He was there for me physically but that’s it. He stayed out late partying the night before (not something he usually does) and so was exhausted and moody the whole day. He came to church and to the cemetery, but when I told him something I was feeling sad about that he was doing, he was completely silent.
He did apologize to me once that he was sorry he wasn’t there for me "today." I was like, okay. I didn’t really know what to say.
I’ve told him that it would be nice for him to maybe get me flowers, buy me a card, something…but he just totally blew it yesterday. We went to his family’s mother’s day party and had an all right time but drove home in silence. We don’t live together so I just went inside and went to bed.
Anyway — I am pretty bummed. Got myself into work but I am just realizing that it looks like instead of him getting better at this over time he will get worse?
To me it’s just inexcusable, yet I continue to put up with it. What’s my problem?
Anyway, obviously there are lots of reasons I love him and think he’s great but I always felt like this could be a dealbreaker. A little late for that huh…
Post # 3
hmmm, tough one, I think a fiance should be supportive, but if you love him and can overlook this it’ll be fine, but if this is something that really bothers you it’s not going to get better, plus you can’t really make someone give you a gift a gift comes from the heart, if this is something really bothering you maybe you should have a heart to heart talk about it, if there’s no improvement and it’s that important then you know what you need to do
sounds like this really bothers you
Post # 4
I lost my younger brother a year ago, and sometimes I wish my FI did something outright to let me know he cares "more" like do something for me on his birthday, knowing it bums me out. On Christmas (first Christmas since) he dragged me to a movie with his buddies when all I wanted to do was go home and cry. Well, he found out in the car when I got all kinds of upset about his ignorance and lack of feelings for me. "What in the world makes you think i wanted to go to a movie with your stupid friends?!" right? Yeah, that was me being hysterical. His reason was that he thought it would distract me and he didn’t want to come right out and bring it up unless I brought it up first. My FI doesn’t bring it up, ever, because honestly, there’s nothing he can say to make it better. All he ever says is, ‘if you need me i’m here’ and if i cry he just holds me because he knows why. He can’t really make it go away, either. And you can’t expect your FI to remember every single day that you could be upset on. Besides the obvious ones. I catch myself doing that, and my FI barely remembers when my brother’s birthday is unless i tell him. But then i get real upset that he didn’t remember…
Maybe his silence is just that whole "head between the legs things" like he hadn’t really thought about it much and is now feeling sheepish, and I think a lot of the effects of planning your wedding is coming up because your mom isn’t here, and he should be more sensitive to that. And you’re a lot more emotional, too. Like most guys, he probably assumes that giving you your space is the best way to go. At least for me, too, it is, but not everyone handles that the best way.
Then again, what do you expect from him? Do you want him to get you a gift or card every time you’re having a bad day? A physical gesture or an emotional one? Or just hold you on the couch and tell you everything will be ok and he’s there for you? It sounds like you expect this to make things better, and it won’t, honestly. And you set yourself up for disappointment by expecting him to do things that magically make things better like a card and stuff. I do this, too, and it’s a natural reaction. I would talk to him on a less emotional day and tell him what would make days like that easier for you. Even if it’s jsut bringing ice cream over and a DVD. You can’t expect him to forsee those kinds of things, but he could have checked with you before going out on the night before mothers’ day, too, and offered to spend it with you. Then again what guy thinks about this kind of stuff, right?
Good luck, I’m sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost her dad 10 years ago and I watched her go through that. All you can do is surround yourself with the people who matter most when you need them. Talk to your FI and tell him it’s a reacurring thing that upsets you and that you want himj to be more in tune and sensitive to the issue.
Post # 5
Well I lost my dad 10 years ago. I think that having T recognize that loss in my life is enough. He’s said when we go back home he’d visit with me out of respect, but I certainly do NOT expect a card or flowers from him on father’s day b/c I miss my dad..I think maybe an arrangement for my DAD’S gravesite would be more appropriate.
Btw, my sister’s H has never given her flowers or a card…on father’s day, but he’s been supportive emotionally for her..and although doesn’t go every year, he’s sensitive to her needs and talks with her..as does T with me.
Post # 6
I’m sorry for everyone’s losses. I think it is really hard (especially for people who haven’t experienced it) for people to figure out what the right thing to do and say is… so often times they err on the side of doing and saying nothing.
Now with your fiance, you’ve set a clear expectation of what you want/need from him during the really tough times. For whatever reason, he seems to not be able/ not want to meet that need.
For me, when something like a clear unmet expectation happens, I usually wait until I’m totally calm and in "neutral mind" and then ask the person what happened and why they weren’t able to meet the expectation. You might hear something like, "I can’t make you happy anyway" or "I feel really uncomfortable when you are sad". In fact, it seems like beyond neglecting it, your fiance was in some avoidance mode (by going out late the night before).
Hopefully you can get to the truth with a simple open discussion, but if he either completely avoids the situation or things further degrade, maybe you two should talk to an objective party about the underlying issues (pastor or counselor).
I’m wishing you the best.
Post # 7
I’m with DG on this…does he really know how much not having her hurts? I’m 100 percent for healthy communication.
T knows that I miss my dad. He knows that completely. He also knows whenever we do marry, I’ll probably cry right before I go down an aisle because he won’t be there. There are just so many days that have been special that he hasn’t been there for. I remember crying my eyes out at my son’s first birthday party after it was over..He had died a few months earlier, and it just seemed WRONG to celebrate anything without him there.
So sorry for your pain. Just remember, sometimes it’s also harder for men to vocalize their feelings on sensitive issues. Verbalize it, let him know HOW HE CAN SUPPORT you emotionally and best wishes.
Post # 8
I apologize beforehand my post might read insensitive. It’s not my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings.
The death of a parent is a big deal and people grieve in different ways. It’s not something you can ‘get over’ but it should ease with time and people learn to live with it. My father died unexpectedly 10 years ago this june…a nightmare come true…but instead of crying or hurting every holiday and father related occasion… I try to live it like he would have…full of happiness and love!
Maybe you’re asking too much from your FI. I can’t imagine if I had to console my FI every holiday, every father/mother’s day if the situation was reversed. Some of these occasions are something he celebrates, he sees as happy have fun days…it would really seem hard to have a spot of ‘forced’ sadness EVERY time.
I’m not saying you’re wrong to still grieve, like I said, all people do it differently but maybe you shouldn’t expect your FI to be as aware and sad as obviously you still are.
Post # 9
I’m very sorry for your loss. And I read your post a couple of hours ago and have been thinking about it. I think that I generally agree with the above posters. It is very difficult to know what to do, and it may well be the case that if he even did what you are asking it would not really help with your grief.
That said, i also see how it is frustrating that you’ve *told* him what you feel would help, and he has not done it. It’s very important to understand why that is. I’m willing to bet a lot of money it’s not b/c he doesn’t care about you. This isn’t to delegitimize the way you’re feeling…I would be frustrated too. but it will give you a starting point for moving forward. My FI can be similar at times…and I used to (sometimes still do) feel like it was a reflection of his feelings about me. It turns out that some of the things I need he has a hard time giving b/c they are things he felt like his parents gave him as a cop out to really meeting his needs. So he feels like he’s cheating me out of really caring about me to give them to me…and it takes a lot of discussion to really get to a place where you genuinely understand how the other person views the situation. because this allows him to express why he’s uncomfortable with certain things, and it allows me to explain that I really do need those things…not just as a place holder.
I’m going to flat out suggest some pre-marital counseling around this issue b/c it’s so wrought for you I think it would be hard to work it out just you two. tehre’s too much potential for things to escalate imho. I have to say, we’ve only had a couple sessions so far, and it’s helped enormously. I thought I knew my FI so well. and though it’s not like I’ve learned anything earth-shatteringly new about him, it’s really helped me piece together his narrative about his life and how it impacts our relationship in *his* words…not how I see it.
Post # 10
This is such a difficult situation. Has your FI lost somebody close to him in the past? If not, maybe he’s not sure how to act. It can be difficult to know what sort of support somebody needs, and he may still be struggling with it, even if you feel like you’ve been clear with him. In terms of his silence yesterday at church and at the cemetery, I wonder if he was acting that way out of deference and respect? The truth is that men and women deal with difficult situations, sadness and grief in such different ways. I think that best you can do is tell each other how you are feeling. Good luck, I hope you sort it out.