Emotionally Dead

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

DropVox:  First off, if you truly loved him in the first place, it is not gone.

Second, since he seems to want to work on the relationship now, if you don’t want to leave then why not bring up counseling again?

Post # 3
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I truly believe that there comes a point in some relationships where it really isn’t possible to turn back time. It’s equally impossible for people to completely change their personalities even if a nasty shock jolts them into behaving better. Such change is usually temporary and they revert back to “normal” when they realise that the current crisis is over.

Sure, cheating is never a good way to resolve a problem but it’s a symptom of your unhappy marriage not the cause of it. 

Post # 4
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

After reading your post,  my first thought was “self preservation”. If someone treated me the way your husband has treated you,  I could never forget it. And while I might try to forgive,  I would always have my guard up, because I would feel like I could never know when he might go back to the way he was before.  I would want to protect myself,  consciously, or unconciously. 

If you both really want to work this out, i’d highly suggest counseling.  But that’s only if you want to stay with him. After what he has put you through I don’t know anyone who would fault you for leaving.  That’s a decision only you can make. 

Post # 5
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He’s abusive.  The healthy part of you is telling you to get away from this guy.  His abuse killed your relationship.  Couples’ counseling is not safe in abusive situations.

You can use your own counseling sessions to plan your separating from him.  You’re way ahead of most of the women in abusive relationships who post on here, wanting to know how to “fix” their abusers.

Post # 6
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

DropVox:  Sadly, I feel his behaviors in light of you taking action (re: divorce papers), and subsequently stepping outside of the marriage are also forms of emotional abuse.  It is manipulation.  I think he is manipulating you into believing he is a changed man, and/or for him to show face if/when the relationship runs its course.  In the event you decide to leave, due to years of abuse, those things will not be noticed by him.  He would have been the doting, helpful, loving husband, while his wife had an affair.

If things carry on in this way, and you actively try to make it work, he will fall back into his patterned behavior, and probably lash out WAY WORSE/punish you for not appreciating him, for cheating, etc.  I do not think he is scared he will lose you.  I think he is playing a game.

Listen, I firmly believe cheating is never the answer.  No matter how bad things get, people should exit a relationship completely before sleeping with another person.  You are NOT committed to this man, and owe him nothing more really.  It seems you have tried, but this reads as a ‘too little, too late’ situation, and I honestly believe it will only get worse.  

I strongly would urge moving on, and I am sorry for everything you are dealig with.

Post # 7
1321 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry but your DH had numerous chances to salvage your relationship and to make things work.  It’s only now at the real possibility that you will divorce him that it seems to have “scared” him into taking some action.  But if I were you, I would not trust him at all and would wonder when the “loving” attention will come to an end.

There are some men who are like this.  When they feel they “have” you and you aren’t going anywhere, they take you and the relationship for granted and treat you like crap because they feel they don’t have to “try” anymore. But then the moment there is the threat of abandonment and that you will leave him, their fear drives them to be on their best behavior and they start promising you the world but never follow through in the end.

Life is too short to have to suffer or stay with someone who clearly abuses you.  You are still young and have so much yet to live for.  This one guy is not worth putting your life and well-being in jeopardy. 

Post # 8
805 posts
Busy bee

DropVox: It sounds like his emotionalyl abusive behaviour effectively stamped out any loving feelings you had towards him and if I were you I’d cut him loose. If you take him back, eventually he’ll start to slip back into his old ways because he thinks he has you under his control again and then you’ll be right back to where you started.

Post # 9
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

DropVox:  Honestly, I don’t see that it’s worth trying to work things out with him.  There are too many items against him that were well within his control when you asked for compassion and it doesn’t help that his response was for you to file divorce papers when you ask to go to counseling.  If you feel nothing for him at this point and it took you cheating on him and filing divorce papers for him to finally come around then it’s unlikely his behavior will really change.  The way he has been for the last 5 years is a more accurate measure of how he treats you and will always default to treating you.  I am all for working on a marriage that is worth saving but this is an abusive marriage and not worth your time or energy.

Post # 10
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

He is abusive. This relationship is not worth saving. Get out while you can and good luck!

Post # 11
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i’m not really one to say yes its over.  I can tell you in my previous long term relationship, after a bunch of drama (he became clingy, probably because he had cheated, and he then became verbally abusive etc etc) that eventually i just didnt care anymore. He could cry all he wanted about loving me and wanting to spend his life with me and none of it matterd. The relationship had been pushed past the point of repair and i had checked out. 

But i think you know when that happens.  I think you know when you feel nothing for them and want to move on. Only you can tell. 

Post # 12
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

DropVox:  In your situation, I would go ahead with the divorce. That’s a lot of emotional abuse, and if you don’t love him anymore (and you have good reason not to), why drag out the pain and confusion?

Post # 13
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

DropVox:  a case of too little to late. The marriage  sounds to be irretrievably broken. There are things that can’t be undone and that you can never make yourself forget. you had to stop living him to protect yourself. However you should consider counseling to help you both decide what to do or perhaps how to end te madness.

Post # 14
853 posts
Busy bee

DropVox:  how long has he been trying to repair the relationship for?

Post # 15
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

MrsUPS:    “First off, if you truly loved him in the first place, it is not gone.”

OP, I disagree. To me this implies that if you truly love him you should try to be with an emotionally abusive man because the love can’t be lost and that if you don’t love him now you must have never loved him.

IMO you lost your love for him for a very good reason and I certainly doesn’t sound like he deserves your love at all. I hope you find happiness with whatever you do next.

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