Post # 1
My mister and I have been together 2 years in December. We got engaged back in March 2011 and planned and August 2012 wedding. Then in April he found out he was being deployed later in August and would be gone until August 2012. So we decided to push our plans back until July 2013. He came home August 19th and I am so grateful for that but now that he has been home for awhile he wants to change our plans yet again. Just pushing it back to July 2014.
Now bees since abiut April we have been having a lot of downs. We fight a lot and I mean its almost an every day thing. We have 3 dogs, 1 that I got before we even got together and 2 more that we adopted while together. He threatened to leave me tonight if we didn’t get rid of all the dogs. He said that they were making him unhappy and that was the reason why we fight so much. I of course break down crying because he was making me chose between him and the babies (I can’t have kids and he knows this) and I didn’t want to have to pick. I love them all equally.
Needless to say we got into a huge arguement and he started packing his things to leave me. Now I just recently quit my job and moved 3 hours away from my family and friends so we could be together. I have no car, job, no where to go from here. This isn’t the first time he has packed his things to leave me.
I’m just so drained at this point. As much as I want this to work I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I suggested counseling but he won’t go for that. He said I’m a big reason why he’s unhappy. Said I used to be independent and now I just mooch off of him. Said I was a lazy B***h and would never find a job. I asked him for more time to work things out and to allow me to get a job. (I have a crap ton in savings and pay for myself, no way do I rely on him.)
Do I just give up and walk away while I still can or do I push to make this work? I’m pretty tired of how things have to go his way and the daily fighting. I started sleeping on the couch just for more space but that doesn’t seem to help much. I’m afraid to invest more into this relationship for fear of being broken. I’m definitely not myself these days and my mother is threatening to come kidnap me because she’s so worried. Bee’s I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
So sorry you are going through this!! You sound tired.
Why not take some time for yourself and go visit your mom with your puppies? Then you can step back a bit and think. Follow what your gut says. He should be loving you and making you happy, you sound miserable. If he’s blaming you for making him unhappy he has some serious soul searching to do. I think you deserve better.
Maybe he’s stressed and having a hard time with work? It isn’t an excuse to treat you that way though.
Hugs, and I hope you do whatever you think is right.
Post # 4
He sounds dreadful. He’s emotionally manipulating and abusing you. I agree with bella128 about getting yourself and your puppies out of there.
Demanding that you get rid of your beloved pets is absolutely abusive as is the name calling. I’m on the dogs’ side.
Post # 5
I am really sorry you are going through such a tough time right now!
The first thing that comes to mind is PTSD… is this a completely new/different side to him that you are seeing since he came back from being deployed?
Maybe you need to take a step back right now, and like Bella128 says, head back to your family to get yourself grounded and to receive the support of your family. What does your gut tell you?
Best of luck!
Post # 6
@ticklemepink: I think you really know the answer to this.
“I’m definitely not myself these days and my mother is threatening to come kidnap me because she’s so worried.”
The best advice I got from my dad “It’s not supposed to be that hard.”-Regarding an ex-fiancee. I’ve been married to another man for nearly 30 years.
You can start over, it will be okay. I wish you all the best.
Post # 7
I am definitely tired, I’ve been so exhausted this past month. MY friends are suggesting a break as well and as much as we could use one I can’t take my puppies with me to stay with my parents for awhile, my dad is allergic to dogs and I’m afraid if I leave them here then he will get rid of them. I don’t know if he has PTSD but he has been acting hateful and mean ever since he came home on leave in April. He wanted to end things then too. Starting over might be a bit harder than I think it will, when I moved in with him I sold all my furniture because we didn’t need it. It’s such a hard decision to make, I’m ready to move on but then again I’m not.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I agree with PP- sounds best to get yourself out of the situation.
Can you *temporarily* split the puppies up with friends, for a month or so until you can get a little break? (Having formerly had more than one fur baby at home, I know how horrible this seems, but it would just be temporary!)
Post # 9
If I had to choose between my dog and any man, I’m sorry but my dog wins hands down. She’s been my best friend for 7 years and, apart from my kids, my only source of unconditional love.
My SO knew I was a package deal and, quite frankly, was thrilled by the chance to join the clan. And he’s picking up his whole life and moving 2,000 kms away from the only city he’s ever lived in to be with me. That was frightening for me but apparently I’m worth it. And so are you.
If your mum is worried, I’d say she’s got good reason. Pick yourself up, pack your stuff, and leave…. at least for a while. And don’t go back until you get a truly heartfelt apology and a commitment to make it work.
Post # 10
Sorry, no way would I stay with a man that told me to give up my dogs – the are our children, when we adopt them we make a committment to care for them, they are living beings and rely on us 100%, in return they give us their loyalty and unconditional love. For him to suggest you just toss them aside is a sign of how he treats those who love and rely on him, and how easily he shrugs off his commitments. Thank your lucky stars your wedding was postponed so you could see what kind of man he really is, it sounds like your friends and family have already realized this and are encouraging you to leave him, you shold listen to them – we are always the last ones to see what is so obvious to everyone around us. Buying new furniture is easy, waiting for this man to change into someone he will never be is not.
Post # 11
Hey doll, I have a bio/stepdad in the military and saw ALOT of deployment. The first time around my mom allowed the mistreatment to increase until…well they are divorced obvs. With my stepdad, she eventually forced him into treatment because he was breaking her heart. She would’ve walked the hell out, but at that point she had 4 kids, two of which were his. The youngest he had only known a few months since he was constantly gone. It’s not your fault, and while he isn’t blameless, the psychological damage from deployment can completely change a person. I’m sorry you are going through this. I urge you to consider a break, encourage him towards counseling, and really ascertain what you need/want and what he is capable of providing. I am so sorry.
Post # 12
stay strong, my FI is military too, i am not a licensed professional but maybe he has PTSD like mentioned by other PPs- Does he think he has a problem, does he notice this? is he nasty 24/7 or does he quickly apologize just curious. It sounds as though maybe he needs professional help and if that is not the case If inwere you i would go back home for awhile. Those are your babies he doesnt have the right to tell you you have to get rid of them. Sorry your going through this im sending you a virtual hug-
Also are the dogs not house broken? Like what is his issue with the dogs 🙁 good luck keep updated PM me anytime if you want xx
Post # 13
Please go home. You shouldn’t be treated this way and if he is unwilling to go into counseling, then your relationship will not survive.
Post # 14
I am not a big fan of men who make comments like this:
Said I was a lazy B***h and would never find a job. I asked him for more time to work things out and to allow me to get a job. (I have a crap ton in savings and pay for myself, no way do I rely on him.)
…. especially considering that you pay your own way in the relationship and are not financially dependent on him. That is some really ugly name-calling. WHOA.
I also agree with PPs that given a choice between the dogs or the man, the dogs would win hands down. They *are* your babies… they depend on you. You are their momma. I know I’m being blunt here, but, the first thing I thought of when I read your post was: “Ditch this loser, he’s not worth it.” I would definitely take up your mom’s offer, go home for a few days, sort things out in your head, and figure out your next move. Good luck OP, I’m sorry your SO is being a jerk.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t put a lot of energy into trying to dx the SO. What if it is PTSD? Think he’ll be signining up for counseling any time soon?
He totally fits the profile of an abuser, he has her isolated from friends and family with no vehicle. Please, ticklemrpink, let your mom come and get you and the dogs.
As for furniture, that’s why we have thrift stores. Don’t worry about the small stuff, worry about not becoming a statistic.
Post # 16
If he’s not willing to work to make things better then things won’t get better. Sounds to me like he’s very selfish. It is a two way street and I think he’s on a one-way.