Post # 1
Alright I’ve posted about this before under a different account but things have gotten worse and I really need some help. I’m begging for some mercy ladies, I know I probably deserve some pretty harsh judgement but I swear I’m not a bad person. Back story, I’ve been with my fiancé for close to 8 years, we were supposed to get married in August but I recently postponed it. My best friend is also his best friend, he’s male, for the sake of this we’ll call my fiancé Shane and the best friend Cole. Cole lives with Shane and I and has since November. I’ve been friend with Cole for over 10 years and Shane met Cole as soon as we started dating, the 3 of us have been joined at the hip ever since. Last year the three of us drunkenly had a threesome, totally my fiances idea, the first time it happened it was a little awkward the next day but things pretty much went business as usual after, then it happened again and I’ll admit I did feel jealous hearing of Cole with other girls after that but things stayed mostly the same. Here’s where things get really complicated, I agreed to have Cole live with us because I thought those jealous feelings were something that would pass and I would get over. They weren’t. 3 weeks ago, Shane was at his moms for the weekend and Cole and I slept together. The entire next day I spent crying and hating myself. Mostly because I knew what I’d done to Shane but also because I had to accept that what I was feeling for Cole was more that sexual. Last week, while Shane was gone, it happened again. This time my heart was fully in it. I don’t want it to be true, but I think I’m in love with Cole, in fact, I know it. I am totally lost about how to deal with it. It gets worse. I thought for sure Cole was feeling the same things I was, but I guess I was wrong. He has an ex girlfriend who I was never able to get along with, even years ago before any of this mess started. This week I found out they’ve been seeing each other and are hoping to get back together. This threw me big time. I know Im with someone, so I have no place to be hurt by Cole, I guess I just thought he wanted to be something more. But he doesn’t, does he? I don’t know if I should tell Cole how I’m feeling and risk EVERYTHING in my life, including my fiancé and Cole who is my closest best friend in the entire world or just pull myself together and force any feelings I have for Cole away (not that I haven’t been trying to do that anyway, believe me I have.) there’s nothing I want more than to not want Cole anymore. My heart is breaking every single day, I don’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t continue on like this. I also have absolutely no one to talk to. None of my friends or family would ever see this coming, and I am so ashamed of the ugliness I’ve caused. Please help 🙁
Post # 4
@Lostinlust: my honest advise: find a good therapist.
Post # 5
I suggest you seek counselling from a professional, not some unqualified strangers on the net.
Post # 6
Thanks I guess. Not really what I was hoping for, I realize you guys must think I’m nuts, and that’s why I need therapy, but the reality is I can’t help how I feel, if I could change it I would..
Post # 7
@Lostinlust: ((HUGS)) I agree with the PP’s that seeking professional counseling to help you through this is a good idea.
This is a difficult situation, to say the least. You did the right thing by postponing your wedding, you’re not in any shape to be making a lifetime committment to someone right now.
First of all you’ll need to face some facts – Cole doesn’t love you and wants to be with someone else. Count your lucky stars about that, btw. He is not the one for you – he cheats with his best friend’s SO, what a guy. So consider him not wanting to be with you as you dodged a bullet.
Try to give yourself some time and space to do some soul-searching about what you want for you life and future. If you don’t want to be married just yet that’s ok. It seems as though you should be single for awhile and get your head and emotions sorted out. You can’t think straight in all this emotional turmoil every day.
Do some good things for yourself. Put the self-hatred on hold because you are not a bad person for what you’ve done, you are a confused person, though.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself above all.
Post # 8
It’s not that you’re nuts, it’s that this situation is so complicated that without taking the time to have a session and learn as much as possible about your life and the background to this, we can’t make completely informed recommendations.
That said – If I were you and I really wanted to make things right, I would cut contact with Cole (including moving, no more threesomes, nothing) and confess your indiscretions to your fiance. He deserves to know – your whole post is about Cole and you barely event mention your fiance, which doesn’t bode well for the future of that relationship.
Post # 9
I think you just need to realize that Cole doesn’t feel the same way and move on – hopefully being honest with your FI, but thats up to you. You didn’t enter this ‘relationship’ with any expectations or hopes of it developing into more than sex and he probably didn’t either. Your feelings changed but his didn’t and it has still just been sex for him. You opened a can of worms by having the threesome with a close friend and then continuing to sleep with him – whether it was also with your FI or by yourself. At the end of the day you can’t have both guys (well… I guess there are some relationships like that that work for people…).
Post # 10
@Lostinlust: Just my opinion, but I think you have to make a choice.
1. You tell Cole how you feel and risk your own relationship, knowing you might end up with neither and on your own, but have the comfort of knowing you were true to yourself.
2. You commit yourself to your relationship, and cut off all ties with Cole. You may never tell your FI about it and you’d have the live with the guilt, or tell him and risk losing him but at least you aren’t starting your marriage off with a lie.
Nobody can make this decision for you, but as long as you’re treading down the middle you’re going to be miserable and hate yourself. It’s not fair to any of you. It’s a crappy situation you’ve got yourself in and sadly no one to blame but yourself. I’m a big proponent of “the truth shall set you free” but you’re the one who has to live with yourself and your choice. Just be sure to make a choice that you can live with.
Post # 11
Some people just see sex as sex, not love. That person is Cole and he could be very well using you while working out his own issues. I wouldn’t be concerned with losing his friendship. You need to stop seeing him.
You need to tell your Fiance what happened.
Post # 12
@Sunfire: thank you for saying that. I really do feel so much self hatred because I fell out of love with my fiancé and in love with a person I’ve already shared so much with. I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore than I already have and I don’t want to become more lonely than I already feel and losing them both will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.
Post # 13
I think you should have Cole move out (or you and your FI move out). Cut ties with him. If your relationship with your FI is the most important thing to you, why wouldn’t you do everything in your power to save it? Tell your FI you are no longer comfortable living as a threesome because you are starting to develop feeling for Cole and don’t want them to develop further. Once your FI hears this I bet he will be happy to move out with you. Whether or not you tell him you cheated is up to you. I probably would, but I know people have varying opinions about this. If this is not something you want/are willing to do then Maybe you should not be with your FI. Good luck OP… I hope it works out for you, whatever you choose 🙂
Post # 14
I think you really need to choose before you act.
1) Stay with your FI. Tell him the truth and see what hapens from there. If he wants you to cut ties with Cole, then so be it. If he never wants to see you again, then you need to let him go.
2) Let go of FI and choose to try things with Cole. Tell your FI what happened, break up with him. Talk to Cole and see what happens, He might go for you, he might not.
I really thing you need to decide who you want to be with forever before you act. Realise that NEITHER might want to be with you. I really just don’t think it would be fair to talk to Cole behind your FI’s back to see if he wants to be with you before you decide on being with your FI. Good luck, OP.
Post # 15
I don’t think pushing the feelings aside for Cole will help the situation. Instead I think it will make it worse. Unfortunately you cannot make youself not have feelings for Cole, and hiding it will only intensify it and make you more miserable, IMHO.
If I were you, I would tell my feelings to Cole, tell Shane about them, and risk both of your relationships. If you really, only wanted to be with Shane, then I don’t think you’d be having the feelings for Cole. I think deep down when you postponed the wedding you knew something was off. From my experience, if you know, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to hide these feelings, they won’t go away and over time will just become stronger which will make you feel worse.
This is just my take on it, clearly you know yourself better. But going into a marriage with all of this on your heart will not make your relationship better at all. Wishing you the best of luck and I hope you figure it out. Sending hugs your way.
Post # 16
@Lostinlust: ((HUGS)) Sadly, the most likely scenario is that you are going to lose them both, especially when your fiance finds out, which he probably will whether you’re the one to tell him or not.
The best you can hope for moving forward is a lesson learned. Understand that sex is a powerful bonding experience, especially for women. Don’t play with fire because you will always get burned. (Speaking from experience here, lol.)
I’m not judging you because you are hurting so much right now and my heart goes out to you. This situation is really more about YOU and your sense of self than it is about either of them, though.
Try to take some small steps towards self-love. Once you can find yourself and discover your own heart and soul and REALLY love yourself you will begin to find some peace. You can’t give love to anyone else until you have love in your heart for yourself, anyway.
There are many, many good things about you. Don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake, and, hey, we all do make mistakes, it’s called being human. So stop with the guilt already and engage your logical mind to decide where you will go from here. Give yourself a break. Make a list of at least ten good things about yourself. There is more to life than relationships with men. Gasp! Can’t believe I said that, lol, but I will be honest with you – this has been a difficult lesson for me in my own life, which is why I see and feel your pain so clearly.
But, you will see your true path once you get past this emotional haze. Believe in yourself and don’t give up on YOU!