Emotionally Immature SO (very long, sorry)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4043 posts
Honey bee

CinnamonSpider:  Personally, I think actions speak louder than words. And his actions, from what you described, are not showing that he truly loves and cares about you. I think you have answered your own question here…he seems very immature and you are clearly not ok with it.

I am sorry, but why would someone who cares for you say things like, “mind your own business,” “a woman needs to know her place,” etc. Also, the whole, “won’t drive you to work” the morning after an argument is very immature as well.

Now, I won’t tell you that it’s a deal breaker because that is for you to decide. For my relationship, it would be. But maybe you would be ok with it (but it doesn’t seem like you are since you are on here asking about it). You have to decide if and for how long you would “tolerate” this behavior. But honestly, healthy relationships shouldn’t require you to tolerate something like this…

Also, don’t bank on him changing much if he is 25 and hasn’t matured that much in the 5 years you have been together. It’s not like he is 19 and still “growing up.” Yes, he is relatively young, but he is old enough to know how to treat people and how to act like an adult.

Post # 3
1356 posts
Bumble bee

I would not ask your friends to take your side and talk to him for you. You need to talk to him.   Considering the five years and living with him and your description that a lot of the behavior is joking I think it may be worth talking to him and seeing if you can change this … but at 33, the biggest thing I have learned/am trying to learn – is not to expect people to change. 

What I see in your post is that your BF is someone who is inherently a procrastinator. He’s selfish, retaliatory and unforgiving even for little things.  He’s not good at picking up on social cues like when he’s being offensive and when people are not amused. I don’t know if you can change these things.

Post # 4
349 posts
Helper bee

CinnamonSpider:  That all sounds really annoying and I don’t blame you for getting irritated. I think you should pay attention to your own sense that this is getting old. It doesn’t sound like the problem is that he makes some jokes you don’t like. It’s really more of a personality issue. Refusing to pick someone up or drop them off for work? At best that’s a temper tantrum and at worst it’s manipulation, i.e. “if you don’t do what I want I’ll make your life hard”.

I was in a LTR with someone very childish and it was very his-way-or-the-highway. Part of being in a mature relationship is being able to disagree and still respect each other. I think the most serious issue in your post is when you say that if you bring these things up, he doesn’t take your feelings seriously. Have you tried following up with, “No, I am being serious and I want you to listen”? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be having second thoughts about someone who doesn’t take your opinions and feelings seriously. 

Post # 5
4879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Let me be sure I understand this.  You got into an argument with your SO & to punish you, he won’t drive you to work?

That alone is obnoxious enough for me.  Add in all of his other sterling qualities & what do you have?  I guess it depends on what you’re willing to tolerate.  OP, do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of this?  Have kids with this guy?

Post # 6
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

This seems lie a pretty classic example of a relationship that started at a young age, and as one person grows and changes, the other stays the same. I’d be willing to bet his personality has always been this way, you just didn’t see it as much because you were more into the relationship. Sounds like you’re maturing and realizing that he’s not necessarily the type of person you want to be around all the time. At this point in your life, relationship issues are something that needs to be handled between you two, do not get friends involved. If you can’t see eye to eye, then maybe it’s just time to move on and find someone that does appreciate you and respect you. Clearly, he does not. 

Post # 7
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I suggest some couples counselling where you can define your issues and he can learn some communication skills.

Post # 8
1321 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like your BF still has a lot of emotional and mental maturing to do.  His internal struggle with women/men’s roles shows that his growth and development is still at an adolescent phase.  

If I were you, I wouldn’t take his jokes or comments personally at all.  Those jokes and persona he takes on is what high school boys would do since they are struggling with their hormones and very insecure of their manhood.  

I do not know if this guy is growing at the same rate you are.  At 25 yrs of age, the two of you will still go through many changes and self discovery.  And it appears you are growing and maturing faster than your BF, and this is something very important to consider if marriage is something you want.  If you want a husband who is your best friend and someone who really gets you, then it is very important you choose someone who is at the same level as yourself.

Additionally, the last thing I will say is the whole argument with his sister.  As a rule of thumb, when you are in a romantic relationship with someone, you need to always stick-up for them and show a united front in public.  If you disagree with your partner, then when you two are alone you can share with him how you really feel.  But it really hurts and feels like a betrayal when your BF or GF does not support you when you’re really upset with someone else.  This is has nothing to do with being a doormat or asserting your opinions.  This is about respecting and supporting the person you love in public.

Post # 11
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sorry to say but I have dumped men like that. Two in fact. I then thought seriously about my “type.”

If you want a man who is going to be a husband and a father then you need someone reliable, and kind and who takes your opinion seriously. He is starting to believe his jokes. I think this man is a chauvinist who pretends he is “just” being funny.

There are a lot of men out there like that and they excuse their opinions and tell anyone who questions them that they just dont have a sense of humour. And I disagree. I have a very good sense of humour but I would FLIP if my husband told me to shut up in front of my friends no matter his tone or the context of the joke.

You need to lay down the law with this young man. You need to tell him what you expect from him and why. You need to figure out what your timeline is and you need to decide whether you are wasting your precious twenties on a manchild who refuses to grow up or in fact you two are in it for the long haul in a productive, happy and satisfying way.   

Post # 12
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Do you find the jokes embarassing when you are out and about with friends?  I’m sorry but… your significant other, and the person you want to spend your life with, should want to uplift you – especially when around other people.  Generally the only people I’ve seen make a joke out of their SO were people who were not happy with their relationship (and I’ve done this to my SO’s in the past too). 

Respect and support are important in the home alone, but very important when out in public.  

Personally, I wouldn’t be a very happy camper – especially with the women jokes (but I am admittely a feminist).  The fact he says it so openly, so many times makes me think he believes there’s more truth behind the words.

I’ll put it this way, and have thought this way about ex’s in the past: Do you want your friends to go home and think “wow, he really goes out of his way to show how much he loves and supports my friend,” or do you want them to go home and think “Man, his jokes were really inappropriate and I am worried for her”?  If I heard my friend’s boyfriend speak of the things your has, I would be worried – not going to lie.

Post # 14
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

CinnamonSpider:  As far as the jokes, when I first started dating my now FI, he also told those sorts of jokes, and like you, I brushed them off for a long time, but they started wearing on me too. While a few jokes might have been his sense of humor, over time it seemed to show a lack of respect for me. He also seemed to tell them around his friends, or join in when friends were telling these jokes. After probably six months of dating I brought them up to him and while he didn’t seem to see what the big deal was, he agreed to at least try and not make those jokes as often. There were also some minor other adjustment things we discussed having simply come from different backgrounds that the other was not okay with, and from that we were able to mature together. I realize you two are much more set in your patterns then we were at six months, but it might be worth sitting down and talking through even just the little things. I think one or two times after that he would say something I found offensive, and I would just have to remind him in private, “I respect and love you fully, and I try not to tear you down. When you make those sorts of jokes, it seems like you don’t think that highly of me, even if you think it isn’t a big deal.” Eventually he understood and stopped, and his friends did too, actually. Best wishes.

Post # 15
7147 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Its sad hearing women say they aren’t a feminist and then go on to say that they just want respect. This is what feminism is. Let’s not let dirtbag Rush Limbaugh ruin a good, positive thing. Caring about equal rights for everyone is a good thing.

as for your SO, OP, he’s a child. He demeans you in public. This is not marriage material. Sorry.

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