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We see here often enough girls waiting and dying for rings and then those who have the ring but big doses of doubt.
I'm wondering for those who are divorced, did you have doubts? Or why did you get married in the first place?
Some brutal honesty would be appricated. I come froma divorced family and it's easy to see for my parents they married because mom was pregnant.
@vmec: I had doubts in my first marriage, and I should not have gotten married in the first place. My mindset was "I'll just get a divorced when it's over". These are not good thoughts to have when thinking of your impending marriage. So my advice I guess to those bees who are actively waiting for the ring or who have it and have doubts is to take some time and really think about what you're doing. If you have doubts, then you have them for a reason - there is a difference between doubts and the typical cold-feet/anxiety. It's important to separate the two and realize when you need to slow your roll.
@vmec: bad decisions and my ultimate "rebellion" against my mother. I was pregnant and wanted to do the "right thing" and a month later I left the rotten situation for a not-as-bad one.
I'm not with my FI and happier than ever. With my FI it was a matter of "rules? what rules? that book got thrown in the river in WVa on the way back to VA". The anniversary we celebrate is Dec. 24th and we're getting married next year. We've got a daughter together, each of us have a son from a previous marriage, and we've been living together for a year. (Two, if you include him going back every couple nights to another city to be with his son who graduated last year.)
I had doubts about my first marriage and, well, my FI is stuck with me for better or worse. And I'm pretty much stuck with him, so it works out. ;)
My opinion is: I waited EIGHT YEARS to marry my FI. If I can wait that long, and I'm anything BUT patient, the other girls can wait also. IF they are certain of the man they want to marry.
Get to know your guy and don't rush into it. Enjoy being together, enjoying learning about each other and talk about EVERYTHING. from kids to cars to money. Be prepared for arguments, tears, hell and high water. And learn to compromise. More than anything? Be CERTAIN of what you want, who you want, and what you're willing to compromise/sacrifice to make it work.
Nice topic....
In my first go round I knew that I shouldn't have gotten married. I felt pressured for the "have my family together" stigma b/c I already had a child with this man and really wanted to... have my family together. He, however, was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive and didn't see where or how he should change.... ultimately I left for the benefit of my son.
I now just married an awesome man that is MORE than I could've ever imagined... really... I made a very specific list of what I desired and he's everything plus more! The real deal DOES happen!... but it takes work, from you AND him =)
Now for those "in waiting"......
I would advise you to really look into yourself and place how you are: communicatively, respectfully, submissively, how you encourage, how you handle finances & adversity & correction... and place "you" next to the image you have of your DREAM marriage. Now ask.... Do I have in me what's needed to make that? If you're answers no them the guy you're with probably doesn't either.... b/c fact of the matter is healthy people aren't with unhealthy people... and we attract a certain type of "spouse" that will fit with how we are... if we don't match up with what we truly want then they don't either... they match with the you you are now!
Start open communication about how you want to grow and see how they feel about that... you may find that they're fine where they are and have no plans to grow out of bad tendencies or into good ones...
Don't ever think you can CHANGE someone!... you can't... you can help them but only if you two are helping each other.
For those doubting.....
This is where you have to ask what & why you're doubting.... My DH now is an AWESOME man, loves me better than I could ever ask, and has a heart for God that enables him to stand by, support me, and build me up to be an awesome woman, wife, & mother... BUT there were many times that I had to stop and tell myself "he's not my ex-husband"... he isn't the same at all. I know that past romantic relationships bring baggage and with that baggage we have a tendency to treat our new relationship with the same types of reactions we'd had in our last relationships.
If it's because of an insecurity that rooted in your last relationship just be open in communication with your SO and work through it together... which is great practice for a marriage b/c well you're whole job together is to communicate and work through the trials of your lives together
If it's because of a way that your SO is now, then maybe some time needs to be taken to communicate and see if they want to change or grow with you... if they see your stance and you two can grow together to better yourselves then awesome.... you're already on your way.
Otherwise.... don't stay in a relationship that you can't grow in... It will unlikely turn out well and unless you're one to persevere through that kind of long suffering, you will most likely end up more damged, bitter, resentful, angry, or more insecure,and then leave anyways.
Marriage is a big deal, and has consequence... either bad or good. Take heart in it's seriousness and avoid what will give you a bad consequence at all cost it's worth the time, effort, and waiting to get what's deserved for not just you but your one day SO =)
I'm genuinely scared to read the "We were in love and it was so great for years and then it all just fell apart" answers because shit, that can happen to any of us.
@ohheavenlyday Not really.... nothing all of a sudden happens... It takes 1 to be totally checked out, in denial, or shut down to communication for that "just fall apart" to happen... you work, he works... IT works! =)
I am in the middle of a separation.
I did not have any doubts - but I knew that my SO did. I was so sure that he was the person who I wanted to spend my life with that I got excited and talked marriage with him. He got excited too, but while we were planning, I wondered so many times if I was pushing him towards it too much. I tried to ask him on several occassions if he was sure he wanted to go forward, but he always brushed the topic off.
Six months after we got married, it all fell apart, and he finally admitted that he felt like we rushed into things, that he didn't realize "what marriage meant" (i.e. didn't ever consider FOREVER and that it would be hard work) and told me he had been seeing someone else for 3 months. I was/am devastated.
I think it's stupid to rush to get married. I think we were stupid.
You have your whole lives ahead of you. In the grand scheme of 50 years, what does 6 or 12 months, taken to be sure - both of you - really matter? For that matter, why marry someone who isn't as excited to marry you as you are to marry them? In retrospect, it's just asking for trouble.
@amnystik: I thought like you, which is why I thought even though we got married quick, we could still make it work.
Problem was, he decided he didn't want to do it anymore. You can't control his emotions, reactions, decisions, only your own. So sometimes it does just fall apart, outside of your control.
I did not have any doubts when I married my first husband. We were pretty happily married for 8 years before he cheated on me and left me for another woman. And REFUSED to go to counseling. Were there problems beforehand? Sure- but every marriage has some. Nothing that we could not have worked out IMO. It was the infidelity that killed it ultimately.
The things is (and this has been said soooo many times before)- is that the man that you divorce is not the man that you marry. As in, I married a pretty good guy who loved me and was faithful... but the guy I divorced was anything but that.
So yes, I'm sure there are some people who have doubts etc., but for some people, spouses and circumstances change and that is what leads to the divorce.
@ohheavenlyday: Well that's me!
I never doubted my first marriage at all. I was in love and had been for quite some time. We ended at 7 years of being together (5 married). I just fell out of love. I think we were too young. We changed so much in that time and just were no longer on the same page. We didn't argue or fight anymore than normal couples but for the last year or so, I knew that I didnt' feel the same. We were sitting outside drinking beers and relaxing just like any other normal summer weekend and I heard this question: "You don't love me anymore do you?" I didn't even shift my eyes from our backyard, I just continued to stare out and I answered, "No I don't". We both sat quiet for quite sometime and then eventually there were tears which turned into anger.
After that I didn't think that I would ever get married again, I had multiple relationships that ended due to me saying no to a marriage proposal. However, with DH I never doubted it or questioned it. Now don't get me wrong I did have cold feet, but probably the normal amount that anyone has. I didn't go into either marriage thinking they would end. I'm more realistic though in what could happen, and at this age more willing to fight to keep it together, if that makes sense.
Oh my goodness. What a sensitive subject, but I agree with everyone; doubts plagued me. You may be able to make a marriage in spite of these, but its dang hard to. I tried to, but it didn't work for me.
I wanted to add a flip side comment.
My FI is divorced.
They married because they fell in love like most couples. Were married a year and started trying for kids, and she had two miscarriages. That kind of changed who she was.. Like she started wanting to go out and party during the week, etc. and stopped supporting him as a husband. The final straw was when she was supposed to pick him up at the airport from a tour in Afghanistan, she hadn't seen him for 6 months. She never showed up and wasn't even home when he got there by cab. She was at a 'friends' BBQ hottub party and came home at 6 am with wet hair. This friend was a man. A man she is now living with. A man she is now living with in a home bought with money she put in a secret bank account while living with my FI the last year or so. Btw.. she is Military as well, so it's not like she didn't know what she was getting into with marrying in to it.
So I agree that even though you can be head over heels for each other and that marriage might be right at the start, life can get in the way and change it all at any time.
I am really thankful that FI isn't jaded against marriage from his experience. But it does scare me that it's possible we could suffer the same type of fate.
@QuietOne: Mind my asking, how old are you and how long were you together?
I had doubts...a lot of them...but I was only 19years old and had been with him for 3 years and it was just "time" to do it. I shouldn't have....after moving to VA to be with him while he was in the Navy and having our daughter, he ended up cheating on me after just one year of marriage. We officailly seperated right before our 2nd anniversary. He ended up marrying the other woman.
With FI, I've known since the moment I met him that he was the one. We have been together a year next week and have been enaged for 5months. We just knew. We both did. I could be the fact that I've waited 10years in between my marriages to really learn who I was and what I wanted? I have no idea why he and I work together so beautifully. But, it does and I have zero doubts going into this marriage.
For me, age and maturity played a huge role in my decisions now and then.
I do tend to agree with the age thing. But try telling that to any 20 year old and they scream bloody hell. Sad, but true.
Do you think that in a weird way.... being married once before helps you be more sure that this is IT this time?
I have heard that from various people (FI included) that the first time shows you clearly what you want and don't want the next and last time.
@Oneeleven: I can say for sure that it made a HUGE difference in things the second time around. I knew what I did/didn't want. I knew what I sure as hell wouldn't put up with and the qualities that I felt were needed in a man to be the perfect partner to me and step father to my girls. It really opens your eyes.
Now, I'm not saying that people can't get married once and live happily ever after because my grandparents were married almost 59years until 2 weeks ago when she passed :( But the example they set for us is amazing.
IMO, There has to be a partnership and friendship to hold that feeling of love forever. Because the "honeymoon" phase will ease up at some point and where will you be then?? That's the main thing in my book, have a strong communicating relationship so you will be ready to protect that love Til death do you part.
@vmec: I totally agree. I hate always having that uneasy feeling when I hear about really young couples being engaged. It's not that I "know" they will fail, but more that I am remembering my life then and my situation and worry for them. Because, IMO, they really don't know what they are getting into. (not a blanket statement, only personal opinion)
My ex and I dated for 3 years before we married at 20. We had 3 beautiful children and stayed married for 18 years, until I could not stand being the 'other' woman. We divorced almost 6 years ago and I have been with a wonderful man for almost 3 years now. We have been engaged for 2 weeks and will be married in 318 days on March 25, 2012.
I have no doubts this time around. We have actually known each other for almost 17 years as Mike is my moh's bil so we have seen other at functions off and on over the years. We were both married, never anything even slightly inappropriate between us at all. Heck until late 2008 I didn't even know he was divorced.
I would like to add that age, maturity, and knowing what one wants have very little to do in reliance to each other...
I know 40 year olds that aren't as mature relationally and emotionally as some 20 year olds I know...
There are some people that have never been married that do know what they want and some people that have been married multiple times and STILL don't know what they want....
Maturity and knowing what you want is something done deliberately and it doesn't take a certain "age" or even bad experience to be able to do this... but being real with yourself in where you stand and deciding to grow toward what you want to become..... ie the person that can sustain and help cultivate the marriage that you invision.
Some of the best marriages I've ever seen were b/c 2 people decided that they wanted to be the best person they could be, letting God work on them in areas like selfishness, pride, laziness, rebellion etc and WAITED for that ONE person... where neither brought in emotional or relational baggage.
And... it doesn't matter how "perfect" two people are for each other love is NOT a feeling of being "in love" but it's the action you take to be and give the best of yourself for that other person.... I think most of us have heard or atleast associate the "love chapter" in the bible to marraige.... ALL action words...
you work, he works, IT WORKS!
The red flags were there all along. I just didn't pay attention to them. At that time in my life I thought I had better snag somebody while I could because I guess my self esteem was kind of low then. I didn't think I had a lot of options. I just wanted to be married and live happily ever after. I naively thought things would work themselves out once we were married. I had thoughts of cancelling the wedding but decided against it because I would have been too embarrassed.
If I had it to do all over again, not only would I not have married him, but I would not have even agreed to marry him in the first place. The same negative tendancies he displayed while we were dating were the exact same reasons I filed for divorce 15 years later - only much more magnified and complicated at that point.
My older brother's advice to someone about to get married..."What you see, is what you get!" It does not change once you're married.
@amnystik: I have to respectfully disagree. Not everyone knows completely what they want until something happens to change their current situation. I "thought" I knew what I wanted at 20years old and I was totally wrong. But, I was continuing with what I "thought" was right because it was routine and I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't really happy. And, age played a big factor in my life and specifically my sitatuion. So, it does go together for some....everyone can have differing opinions but deciding those things CAN'T have an effect on something is inaccurate.
@Crisark I've seen many middle aged people do what is "routine" and not "face the fact they weren't really happy"... still that had nothing to do with their age... but moreso they're maturity and even some insecurity.
I believe everything I've posted has supported that those things: facing yourself "being real with yourself" and not staying in a "relationship you can't grow in" and really taking the time to figure out what you want are key... which really doesn't have to be determined by learning what you don't want, and really should be based on your core beliefs, which most of us have some kind of ideal from our childhood (from the good & the bad we saw)
I don't believe we were made for emotional and relational baggage and that we CAN avoid that... ALL of us... not just some of us b/c we were lucky to know these things... Anyone can decide to be real with themselves at any age and any circumstance and agree with themselves to not put themselves in places that don't line up with that.
Unfortunately the norm doesn't line up with this ^ belief at all and most of us end up with some kind of baggage that we have to work through before being ready for our invisioned marriage or have our spouse work through after getting into that marriage when we or the other person didn't fit what we invisioned.
I believe my first post covered that specifically for those still "in waiting" and even for those "doubting"
@amnystik: I wasn't saying your post wasn't insightful but I wanted to be clear that not everyone finds the ability to look in at themselves or their current situation as deeply until something serious happens and they are tested and have to really become who they are going to be. ie. Young marriage, imature to reality, and not wanting to try again alone (with a child at 22) and all of that being personal experence.
I gotcha @Crisark I had similar with having my son and becoming single at 22, but my divorced stemmed from abuse and alcoholism (mind you he was sober/had been sober when I agreed to marry him), which I think is ALOT different than people just not wanting to mature and stick it out... or falling out of love, which really we ALL will do at some point throughout a marriage.
I find myself incredibly saddened over these things b/c I know how easy it is to avoid them but so many people just refuse to be real... ulimately hurting not just themselves but the other person that was part of the process... which is why I'm sure I came off very "in your face" lol
@2ndtime: I really love your reply. It's brutally honest I think and props to your for admitting how (pardon me) stupid you were. By stupid I only mean thinking what we've all thought at least a little bit from time to time. Sometimes while I keep these thoughts to myself I think that some couples think that marriage will make things better, and for waiting bees they think they're troubles will dissappear... It's really hard to knock sense into those people as they don't want to see it as the end of something and or to be alone or to start over. It's scary stuff! I stayed with my ex for longer than I should have for probably the exact same reasons some of you got married! So I hear ya on this one. And glad to hear you're getting to enjoy it all over again.
@amnystik: No offense taken! I'm an "in your face" kinda person on some topics and I just feel really strongly about being sure you know who you are before you can be a productive partner to anyone. Personally, if you can't be good to yourself how in the world can you be good to someone else?? I think a lot of my thinking is that I don't want anyone to have to deal with anything like I did. I know I can't prevent that but if I could I would make sure no one hurt the way I did then.
@Crisark EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you definitely have to know who you are....To basically to speed things up for someone who doesn't know: Here are a few
All of these things are things your SO should feel the same about.... otherwise they aren't it! or maybe you're not ready!
Another really great thing to do is premarital counseling.
I HIGHLY suggest the book Prepraing for Marriage... even if you aren't "religious" the first 2 worksheets cover ALL of these things...
1. Personal History - Family... Growing Up.. What's made us who we currently are
2. Great Expectations - Goes through pretty much everything you're gonna need for a marriage... How do you THINK it should be
Going through even just though 2 worksheets with your FI will help get you two either on the same page or realize you're not and won't be. ;)
Regardless.... not being real with yourself is a sure fire way to end up with something that doesn't fit what you really want. ;)
I really didn't have doubts in my first marriage. We had known each other for 7 years at the time. I felt very strongly that I would never leave a marriage due to anything short of abuse. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way, and left me after close to 20 years.
This history made it very difficult to learn to trust that any marriage could be forever.. However, by the time I married NotFroofy, I had gone through nine years of therapy and then she and I had lived together for nine years. So I'm as sure as I can be that this marriage will last. And besides, if this marriage lasts 20 years, my life expectancy is not much more than that. 
I never had huge doubts, but looking back there were some major clues that I should have caught. He was supposed to go see the dj with me, he bailed on me. Tons of things like that, but at 19 years old there was no way I was going to call off the wedding. No one had done that in my family and I definitely wasn't going to be the first. My mom got married at 19 and had 3 kids by 23. I was going to do the same.
It didn't change when we got married. It got far worse. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and on one occasion physically. He expected me to clear his plate for him because he worked and I did not. This wasn't the 50s or earlier!
I didn't find out until well after the divorce (I waited until a cousin got a divorce- again couldn't be the first) that his mother had told my mother she couldn't believe someone was marrying her son. That he was terrible with money and who knows what else she told my mom. I wish my mom had told me because what ended up happening is that my exhusband maxed out a credit card in ONE trip to best buy without me which led to the physical abuse. It was a super bad situation all around.
I think age isn't a problem so much as years bring experiences and with that you know more of what you need. Also, I would never in a million years again marry someone without living with them first. I can't say how important it is. My FH and I were living together for 2.5 years before we got engaged. I don't care if you don't move in until you are engaged, but do it before you get married!!!
I am not an encore bride, but I saw this and read through it..
I feel that you can not simply "fall out of love". Love is not a gushy feeling. Love is a choice. When you love someone, you simply CHOOSE to love them.
You can't get confused with love versus lust. I think some people might do this, but love and marriage can not be based on your physical/sexual attraction to each other. I think that if a couple marry based on that primary physical attraction or mushy gushy feeling, that eventually those feelings will fade and there is no strong foundation to fall back onto. (Personally, I believe this is where the biblical belief of sex before marriage comes into place. That a couple should build there relationship based on everything except sex so that the sexual feelings don't fall away and there is nothing left, no foundation. BUT that is a debatable subject and I don't want to open another can of worms. I could go on and on and on but I wont)
When you say your vows, you should MEAN them. When you stand at the alter, what you are implying is that you CHOOSE to love them.
Your spouse should put you first. And vice versa. That is the number one point in marriage, treating your spouse better than yourself. You should always try to outdo each other in the caring department.
If your husband cheats on you, he is not putting your feelings first. He isn't caring.
If he is abusive (mentally, physically, emotionally), he is not caring for you. He is not putting your feelings before his.
If he is bad with his money/resources, he is not caring about the two of you. He doesn't care about supporting you. He should be able to think and judge his motives so that your marriage comes first.
I think when a couple marries, they should KNOW and understand everything about their spouse, and then CHOOSE to love their flaws and their problems.
I have to vehemently and respectively
Ahhhhh this damn post eating bs!! lol
I'll try again...
I have to vehemently and respectively disagree.
You don’t choose who you love. If that were the case then we wouldn’t fall in love with people who don’t love us back, ones who don’t treat us properly, and on the flip side, we would be able to ‘make’ ourselves fall in love with those who, although perfect for us in every way, we just don’t feel any romantic feelings for
@MissHighHeel: It is very obvious you are not an encore bride. Until you have LIVED it, you can only think of what it will be like. If you live to one-up your spouse in caring you will either get burnt out, feel angry he is not doing as much as you are, or feel guilty you are not keeping up. It IS ok to say no. My FH and I have a system that works really well for us. A lot of the time we barter for things we want done. Such as a foot massage for doing the dishes. We both feel like we got a great deal and things got done. That's not to say we don't randomly do nice things because we just love each other.
I just think you are really naive, sorry.
@Oneeleven: No I'm not saying you choose a person to love.
I'm not going to go out to the streets and say "I'm finding my husband tonight!" Then walk past the hobo who is collecting change and say "Heyyyyy buddy! You are my choosen one! I choose to love your scraggly lice-bitten hair, and stinky ass clothes!"
No No ahhaha. When I met my FI, I was attracted to him yes. Emotionally, physically etc. When you start to date someone and get to know them you are attracted to them. And as you get to know a person, you see their flaws.
Everybody has flaws. And problems. FI sure does! I do too! But when FI is being a complete dummy, I choose to love him and his flaws. He is so cautious, and worries, and indecisive. And when it comes to big decisions he hums and haws more than ANYBODY I have ever met. My reaction is "DAMNIT!!! JUST DO IT GAHHH!!!!" And it is easy to think "Can I live with someone who is like this?" But after that, I say "I choose to love FI even when he does this..that is why I love him"
I know that you can not choose who to fall in love with. I know you can fall for someone who is uncaring, selfish, whatever. And I believe that, I am not arguing with you. I agree with you. I think that you meet someone and fall in love. That is true. But when you are in love, and you learn about that person, you choose to love them and their flaws.
Of course, this has to go both ways. If a woman falls in love with a man who is uncaring and abuses her, it is not her fault. I'm not saying she was stupid for marrying him. My heart goes out to her. What I said has to go both ways. Marriage takes two. Two to tango! I mean that in order for a marriage to work, the couple has to both love each other more than they love themselves, and put their spouses needs ahead of theirs. It sucks when it is only one way.
Sorry, I am sometimes a super bad explainer. And I know this, so when I do explain something I go on and on about it hoping that the more I explain then the more the person would understand. But yah. I understand what your saying, and your right
@MissHighHeel: No, no, no-- "the couple has to both love each other more than they love themselves, and put their spouses needs ahead of theirs". This kind of thinking makes me want to pull my hair out!!
You should always love yourself *more* than you love someone else. I love my DH more than I ever thought possible to love someone. But I love myself *more*. This allows me to love him fully and come from a place of strength, not neediness.
When you expect someone to love you more than they love themselves or when you love someone more than you love yourself, you need them to continually fill that love reservoir. Your love comes with strings—I’ll fill your love reservoir and you’ll fill mine. It’s a horrible position to be in, especially if you start to not get the love you need and your reservoir starts to drain. So based on your equation, you start to give them more love (and filling them up), hoping they will start to give you what you need.
I know I’m responsible for my love reservoir, not him. Anything I get from him is extra. If he stops filling it, I know I’m okay. I have enough for me. I can ask for more from him, but it comes from a place of security not neediness. It also allows me to love him more fully, without the quid pro quo that comes from “I give you, so you can give me”.
And putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own—no, no, no. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It depends. But ultimately, it’s my responsibility to get my needs met (within the commitment we have made). I can tell him what I need and he has the choice as to whether or not to meet them. And sometimes he can’t because what his is going through, just like there are times when I can’t meet his because of what I’m going through. During those times, we can choose to put our own needs on the back burner and take care of the other person. But putting their needs ahead of your own *always* is a recipe for disaster.
I have to back up @MissHighHeel b/c well she's right... and she falls under that category I talked about of those looking at themselves realistically and preparing to be ready for a marriage WITHOUT putting themselves in a place to be damaged or "find out the hard way"
"Being in Love" is a drug if nothing else.. and just like any other drug that brings feelings of euphoria, security, excitement, and the energy that SEEMS it will last forever... so does the flood of hormones that make us feel "in love"
Real love is WORK all WORK... and yes the consequence of doing this work gives us that same feeling of satisfaction, security, and being in love. And really, sometimes... even for years sometimes... a marraige falls on the shoulders of just 1 of the individuals, them doing most or ALL the work, sticking to their vows and refusing to let the marraige to go into failure.
All the things she put are absolutely true... that when you start loving yourself more than your spouse (putting yourself first) it will show it's self in ways that damage the relationship and the other person.
And to add on the "you don't choose who you love"... truth of the matter is a certain kind of person attracts a certain kind of person. I lived in an abusive relationship/marriage for YEARS and you know what... I didn't deserve what was done to me but I can say that (even before the vows) I totally said that the behavior was OK.. by NOT LEAVING.. I totally condoned it and even after leaving him there was still a certain kind of guy that seemed to always be the one to approach me & that I was attracted to... to get the awesome guy I have now, I HAD to change, grow, heal and deliberately do so so that I could become a healthy spouse relationally and emotionally.
I reinterate that healthy people attract healthy people and no healthy person is going to be with an unhealthy person.
Infidelity.. like the "affair" kind... takes TIME to happen and more than likely there were clues while courting that this person male/female had their best interest & wants in mind and not their SO... this goes the same for "falling out of love" and "I just don't love you anymore" both of these being totally self focused.
Being divorced, an encore bride, and someone that "fell in love with the wrong KIND of person", I can say this with the experience to back it up and know that what I went through (experiencing divorce) was just as much on me as it was him, and that if I want things to be different this go round I can't forget that, and I have to put the work in through the tough times AND lovey dovey times to have a life long lasting marriage.
EDIT: I believe the "loving your SO more than yourself" comes from a place of action and not "feeling". Which loving yourself comes from having security and strong feeling of conviction for what you deserve and believe is right. I DEFINITELY love my spouse more than myself and DO more action for him and than myself. I think the way it goes is "love your neighbor as you love yourself".. IF you both love (action love) more for the other than you are loving each other the way you would want to be loved and it fills the both of you.
@mmsva: I disagree with your entire post. Except perhaps for the first 2 lines.
Yes, you should love yourself with that I agree. BUT, FI is with me and stays with me knowing what I expect of him. I expect attention, affection, favors, gifts, and other kid acts that show his love for me. He knows I expect this, and in order for me to stay with him he needs to provide this for me. This is what makes me feel loved, this is what keeps me in love with him. When his love is shown in these ways I feel loved and appricate these acts of love. Yes, I expect him to keep my love tank full, and when it gets low he should fill it up. Yes, I can help him, guide him, ask him etc. But ultimately my tank should always have some love in it.
In return I fill his tank in the ways he expects to be loved.
If either tank runs too low for too long there are problems big, big problems. I am of the opinion if you selflessy fill your lovers tank with love, this person will be happy and feel loved and will return the feeling by making you feel just as loved right back.
All of this comes from the book: "The 5 Love Languages"
@amnystik: I am not an encore bride or divorcee but, I agree with what some others have said - it comes down to love vs. lust. Not that you necessarily choose who you love but, you choose to love them even after the feelings of lust have gone away. My FI and I have had issues, fights, break-ups but, in the end we have realized that even when we hate each other we love each other and don't want to be without each other. Once we both were able to see this our relationship has been amazing, this is the only reason why he decided to propose and the only reason I said yes. If we would have gotten married when we were younger and still being stubborn and trying to one up each other and figure everything out there is no doubt in my mind we would be divorced by now. I'm not saying people that get married after one year of dating are going to get divorced but, I do believe the people that have dated for 5 or more years before they have gotten married certainly have a higher chance of making it. I think there is a point in every relationship, before or after marriage, where you decide if you are going to fight or walk away. I feel if you have that happen before the marriage, and you both decide to fight for the relationship before marriage is even on the table it really will help strengthen your chances. Just my opinion though and having never been in the shoes of a divorcee I could be 1,000% wrong in my feelings so I mean no offence to anyone.
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