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I have been getting wind of a few little comments about the nonsense of having such a grand affiar for my encore wedding. Apparently middle-aged brides are supposed to slink off somewhere and get married in a sensible suit at the JP. Well I never had a real wedding the first two times I got married and personally I don't think getting married in a lovely garden with a simple reception afterwards is all that over the top. Yeah I have bridesmaids, but they are in simple long summer dresses and it's not like I'm floating down the aisle in some poofy sleeveless white gown with a full veil or something.
However, this attitude people have about older brides may explain why there has been a lack of enthusiam about the wedding. Of course I didn't expect or want a bridal shower, but a fun little bachlorette party would have been nice. Perhaps the reason why I have had so little help with wedding prep is because maybe folks figured that I have done all this stuff before - well I haven't! This wedding planning is just as new to me as with any twenty-something.
I guess I am a little ticked off that some people apparently think older encore brides are not entitled to any of the traditional bridal fun. But the wedding is 20 days away and I am not about to change the arrangements now!
Awww, I'm sorry to hear that. You do deserve a wonderful celebration to acknowledge your commitment to your guy. Maybe if you tell people that it is a love & commitment party rather than a wedding they'll be more enthusiastic. :p I don't see that having been married before means that you shouldn't be able to fully celebrate having found one another. I think it is time for you to shut out other people's opinions and just focus on you and your loved one and your plans for your special day. And I think you should tell your girlfriends that you'd like a bachelorette party. They might not realize that you want one.
I think you deserve a full-blown wedding no matter which number it is. You're celebrating your relationship and your love, people should be happy for you no matter what
about 5yrs ago we attended a encore wedding and yes, i was one of those that thought "what the". the bride arrived in a white horse drawn carriage, in a massive white dress with layers and layers of silk and lace and train, the brides adult children where her attendants, white doves released afterwards, it just seemed a bit ridiculous for a woman in her 50's i thought
but then i thought maybe she never had a big white wedding the first time round so now was her moment - i dont get it but more power to her for doing what she wanted and pulling it off
Here is my thing-encore or not, first time, second time...
It is the first time you are marrying each other.
'nuf said! Do what you want and enjoy!
I feel the same way Bluespurrs! In fact it's what made me begin my blog and also find weddingbee so I could connect with other encores and also RE-WORK this awful way of thinking.
I am going to say something here and it is blatantly imho truthful. It's also hopefully NOT going to offend anyone here and I have a disclaimer before I write what I feel is the truth about why people feel as they do about encore weddings.
I wish EVERYBODY to be happy and remain happy after marriage. I do. I do not wish anybody to go thru what I did, but for those who have had pain and hurt, I wish them happiness and love..doesn't everybody deserve that? I had a xh who was unfaithful and in the end a horrid person to me and I deserve 100 percent happiness. Yes, I can say that.
Now my feelings regarding the encore bride and why we have been treated as invisible by the wedding industry, and even by friends is because:
1) In order to be an encore, you have to be divorced. ARRRGH. I said the d word. it's horrible, a divorce. when you see an encore bride or groom and hear of somebody RE-MARRYING it almost sounds alien to some extent and let's be honest. I was one of those who thought divorce was horrible and something I'd never do. Nobody in my family was divorced and I thought it was a plague. Then my xh cheated and I had to re-think and re-design my life plan overall. I remember one of my favorite summer vacations in Destin as a child. That weekend, Diana married Charles. My grandmother took us even to the grocery store so we could have our own "royal wedding reception" for the beautiful princess Bride. We all watched her float down the aisle and I remember as a young adult hearing of her death after her divorce and crying. She was the princess and it was supposed..SUPPOSED to be different right? I remember that little party with homemade cupcakes, streamers, and eating Pepperidge farms danish wedding cookies toasting with kool aid fruit punch the beautiful Princess Bride and her Prince.
2)Knowing that a woman is divorced or a man is divorced kinda ruins imho the "and they lived happily ever after" that the wedding industry sells for the most part. It's even part of a package that Disney sells isn't it? Yes I believe the industry would wish we'd quit raining on their parade, selling stories of REMARRIAGE and the knowledge that to get here we had to DIVORCE, but we are there. And we won't all go remarry quietly in a white or ivory suit so ugly that no respectable MOTHER of the bride would touch it. I actually was one who cringed when SJP wore that suit (despite the fab shoes) that Carrie wore to marry Big in SITC. I won't slink away in a sickening dress wearing a corsage and do it over my lunch hour. Sorry, not gonna.
If we are the antithesis to the dream they are selling (this is the best day of your life, that day among all days mindset) then no wonder they don't cater to us.
But they SHOULD. Statistics show we exist, just like nuclear physics and mathmatics show that antineutrinos and black holes exist!
And the industry and all parties who wonder about us or worry about us being "there" should understand this..WE DIDN'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. We would have rather our initial happy ever after be just that. But IT IS WHAT IT IS and we are wanting to rejoin all the happy couple friends we have with life as THEY know it. (more about them a little bit down).
3)More about the "ever-after" and how sadly some women I met treated divorcees. I used to live in a subdivision a few years ago where the women primarily were stay at home moms (used to be one, they're great and do hard work!) and they were UNFRIENDLY to me outright. I am one who has lots of friends, is friendly in general, and a hard-working mom in and out of the home. It was ???? why nobody was nice to me or my child at the pool or invited us over for dinner or bunko. Finally a girlfriend of mine who was over (she's married) broke the news to me. She was talking to one of the women there and they were just talking (I was at the other end of the pool swimming with my son) and the neighbor told my friend "well look at her. She's happy. She's single and dating. Who would leave their husband alone around her? She's got her single friends and doesn't need to be around us." I was crushed. I was saddened beyond belief. I was about the SAFEST person around. They thought ME being divorced also was CATCHING like a virus or cold. Apparently they also didn't like the idea of a bikini wearing mom being their friend because of the fact I was single and didn't look like a woman in mourning wearing black and a dress covering her ankles for five years. I was supposed to NOT BE LIKE ME. As shocking as my fave heroine, Scarlett O'Hara, was when she danced with Rhett and blew off the whole "in mourning" situation and became the most scandalous encore bride in all of the south! (Oh I love Scarlett for so much!!!)
4)The mere idea of divorce can send people in opposite directions. Luckily I had some good friends who remained after I divorced, but suddenly "you're different" to them. You are single. You are fair game in the dating world. You are also representing to them a world in which there ARE VARIABLES and real risk and pain and devastation. I also to them represented a cruel, harsh world where some people have to start their lives over, lose assets and wealth, and could be alone. I scared them.
There's a reason married couples hang together. They're in the same boat. The marriage boat. They raise kids together, have bbq's, go on vacations together, and give each other baby showers. That's how it is supposed to be. But goodness if you are that ONE couple in the group of friends who divorce and suddenly you might find yourself ostracized or your good friends regarding you "differently" as I went thru. Anybody see the movie "Bridget Jones"? It is one of my favorite movies of all time. For you see I have "been" Bridget and attended dinners with some of my married couple friends and felt as she did (except my friends were nice and loving) and while they were nice and loving, I was still despite their best efforts still regarded as strangely single..like I was missing an eye or a leg or had half a body. Focus was always immediately on "well are you seeing somebody yet Belle?" I woudl reply. Nope. Just happy "as I am" (thank Bridget!). Now my friends (who are and were my friends all along and great couples) I can honestly say feel a bit more "as it were" about me being happy and T and I being together and the re-establishment of "couple-dom" if you will.
~These are my radical somewhat views on why people sometimes aren't terribly supportive of encore brides and weddings and also why the wedding industry itself somewhat sweeps us under the rug.
I shall now and forevermore step not too gracefully off this soapbox and resume my duties. Again, hope I didn't offend anybody at all. These were my experiences. These are my perceptions. I may be totally off base. Or I might be on track. It doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that brides are given the day they deserve of love and utter happiness and grooms feel free to celebrate just the same their love and excitement for as the bee LizWintz put it "
Here is my thing-encore or not, first time, second time...
It is the first time you are marrying each other.
'nuf said! Do what you want and enjoy! "
The soapbox is now forever retired to the closet and won't return...I hope.
I'm with liztwinz =)
I'm sorry that people are being hurtful, but perhaps, like you said, they think you've "done all this before". Personally, I think that over-the-top weddings are outlandish no matter how many times you've been married before hand, but just like you said, getting married in a garden with a simple reception following isn't exactly "over the top"!
Ah such wisdom and oh-so-comforting. Thank you bees!
And with 19 days to go, so much to do - not just with the wedding but my summer classes end a mere day before the rehearsal. How will I get it all done? I will spend much of tonight trying to get up with grading. I must do the impossible in the next 18 days.
I find myself thinking of my daughter and how thrilled she would have been with all this wedding stuff. I can almost hear her say GO FOR IT MOM! I have no doubt she would have pushed for much more grandness and laughed at the people whispering at the naysayers. What a lovely maid of honor she would have been. Sweet Shawnee, my dear sweet child. I have attempted to attach her graduation pic.
Thank you Bellenga and all you other sweet bees.
ShawneeWeb2.jpg (66.5 KB, 187 downloads) 4 months old
She is beautiful Bluespurrs. You two do look alike. And yes, your angelic maid of honor will be at your side, unseen but felt.
I hear your pain!!! As an encore bride who is a WIDOW (yes really-the wedding industry NEVER mentions that in their happily-ever-afters either.) I have seen the raised eyebrows among many... Do what you want, with your head held high, and a smile on your lips for the one you love.
I am wearing an ivory organza stunning gown, and will dance the night away with a grin from ear to ear.
Have a lovely day, I'm sure it will be wonderful!
BeachyBride, I have a friend just like you. She's widowed and with a 4 year old. She's marrying a wonderful man, and it's his first marriage, but her second b/c she's WIDOWED! The minute someone hears that it's her second marriage, it's like taboo. I don't think any bride should have to go through something like that. It's the fact that you're happy and in love and ready to spend the rest of your life with this person. You don't know the circumstances as to why the first didn't work out, so let her enjoy her day. How is she harming you by being happy? Grr...I'm mad for you gals!
What is sad is many who are negative to us might just find themselves one day walking in my pair of manolos ya know? I have NEVER wanted anybody to EVER have to go through what I did. I know in my heart I wish I never had to even consider the option of remarriage, as I wish he had just been the guy I thought I was marrying, and the guy who honored me and our vows ya know?
I have an aunt who is having her encore wedding sometime possibly around my wedding. She doesn't want to do anything big because she feels it is inappropriate. We're a catholic family and her first marriage was not enulled. I told her that's ridiculous. I think it would be nice to have a smaller encore wedding just because you wouldn't need to invite all of your parents' friends, etc. I think a destination wedding would be great too, mainly because I need a vacation and I think if you are older your friends are more likely to be able to afford it. My aunt and other aunts want to do a combined mine and hers bachelorette party which I think will be great fun.
I personally think that most people who judge the extravagance of your day would do it whether you were a first-timer or not. I personally find highly staged, large or lavish weddings unplesant as a guest, and it's never had anything to do with the number of times the bride or groom has been married. That said, I think that if this is your third wedding, you have to accept some lack of excitement. Just accept it and let go of it!
Bellenga I think you said it perfectly. Marrying my husband, I fully expect our marriage to last forever. I know that certain circumstances beyond my control might not let that be possible. Bellenga, your situation is a perfect example. What your ex did is just completely inexcusable in my eyes. You don't plan for these types of things, so why should you be punished because they happened to you? Let one of these people who are criticizing you walk a mile in your shoes to see how it feels.
I hope all the encore brides have a very happy wedding and a long life with your FH.
I second Bellenga! Very well said, no one ever plans for divorce but life happens, you learn, grow and hopefully find true love. I feel very blessed to have another opportunity at love, and the real thing this time! I do understand that not everyone in my family will be as excited for me as they were before but hey, it's their loss, I'm still going to marry the love of my life regardless of their level of excitement. Congratulations on your wedding, I wish you much happiness!!!!!
A big WOOT! to all who have commented on this thread this far. And let me say that I agree 100% plus another 100%!
I've had a lot of aggrevation and heartache while planning this wedding simply because I'm going "against the grain" and doing the big thing, regardless of whether I've had it before or not. I haven't, but what if I had? Would it really matter? Am I asking anyone else to pay for it? NO!
So who cares?!? Do what makes YOU happy! That's the best advice that I can give you...hold your head high and just relish in the fact that you're doing what makes YOU happy. That's all that a person could ask for or want in life...
I say that we're the lucky ones. Us Encores have been there, done that, earned our T-shirts and are the ones that are brave enough to TRY AGAIN! It takes a lot of courage to go out on that first date after a divorce (or a death), and it takes even more courage knowing that nothing in life is guaranteed and making the choice to do it anyway. Whether it was your choice or not, the first marriage ended. And we're brave enough to try again. And again, if need be.
Let 'em look. Show 'em how it's done.
Congratulations - and BEST WISHES to you both!
I just want to send all of our gorgeous Encore Brides HUGE HIVE HUGS.
Personally I think it's deplorable that anyone would even THINK to begrudge you whatever celebration of your love that you and your FI see fit -- much less have the audacity and lack of tact and grace to SAY something to you about it.
Love is rare and a love big enough to make you want to share your lives with each other is even more rare. CELEBRATE IT!!! Don't let anyone or anything get in your way!
Thank you so much Lorienne and abrideagain! It is a celebration of love. And it took alot of heartache and tears to get to where I am today, which is a place I never thought I'd ever be in,. I once had my heart broken beyond recognition. I think I cried so much over a 2 year period that I had no more tears. The last thing I thought I'd ever have again is romantic love in my life.
Much much love and hugs to all who have rolled with the punches and didn't close their hearts or lives to love despite what happened to them in the past.
This one will be my last and only ever-after again. 100 percent. I never thought I'd be a divorcee in the first place though as I'm super traditional. But I am. I'm HERE. And I am LOVING the spot where I am right NOW.
I agree that you should celebrate love in whatever way you wish to celebrate it! But I also agree with West Coast Bride that you have to accept that at a 3rd wedding, there might be a lack of excitement. Some people will just feel that way, especially people with old school mindsets.....they think everyone deserves a second chance, but that a third might be too much. All that matters is that you are happy and doing what you want to do. Go for it and celebrate in whatever way makes you smile!
Just wanted to kudos what everyone has said above!
@Mileysock, I love how you phrased this: "Marrying my husband, I fully expect our marriage to last forever. I know that certain circumstances beyond my control might not let that be possible. Bellenga, your situation is a perfect example."
I think sometimes one-time-only brides and the industries tend to forget that SHT HAPPENS that is beyond their control. Nobody marries a guy they know is a piece of work in the first place or plans for this kind of stuff. Nobody plans for a divorce, and I like to see somebody out there who is realistic to the matter that it DOES happen and that nobody is 100% immune to it. You can just plan to prevent it by working as hard as you can. I have a friend who says that all divorces can be eliminated by communication and that those are "really bad" people. I just wish she weren't so naive and she makes me so mad and shoot, i'm not even an encore bride! People just shouldn't think like that.
The only skepticism I have is towards people like my aunt who have been married more than a dozen times, lol. But that's a WHOLE other story.
My heart goes out to all of you. The negativity regarding encore brides is a bunch of poop!
I too am a 3 time bride. Divorced once, widowed once. I'm shocked at the number of people who think that I'm being inappropriate by remarrying.
It was a great challenge to put together a wedding that seemed appropriate. Now I wish I would have said "to hell with propriety, i deserve to be happy."
It makes me sad that these people you know are making YOU feel bad about this. DON'T LET THEM! Just enjoy your day and have things be the way YOU want them to be. First, second, third marriage, etc, it should NOT matter.
Enjoy you day, I'm sure it's going to be fantastic!!
Bellenga, your post rocked. I just laid my guts out in the "Conflicted..." thread so I don't want to go over it again, but people remarry for all kinds of reasons. Frankly, anyone who has had to go through a divorce (or being widdowed) should get a gold star, right off the top.
I think the best revenge against people who have a problem with an encore bride having an amazing party is for you to thoroughly and visibly enjoy that big party as much as you can. Some people will always find something to talk about.
well I think traditionally ppl thin of brides as young ppl. however, ppl should never judge you you re not asking anyone to pay for it... are these ppl who are invited that are saying these nasty things? I d disinvite them. Or are these ppl who have not been invited saying these things? then it is very clr that they are jealous
Personally, I have the opposite problem: people assume that my wedding at the JP is because I'm an encore, and they take it opon themselves to try to have these deep talks with me about how I shouldn't "sell myself short" and shouldn't hinder mr. mj from having the wedding he wants either (do men ever want a big wedding? i bet a lot of grooms think Mr. MJ's the luckiest man ever - with a FI who doesn't want a wedding!!),
I'm of the mind that regardless of what you do, people will complain or somehow consider themselves experts on the topic. (If people didn't have weddings to complain about, how would they pass the time, after all?)
This post is making me sad/angry at people for feeling this way towards encore brides. I grew up surrounded by divorce - no one in my parents generation stayed with their original spouse. I always thought it was normal and respected my aunts and uncles for doing the right thing and then finding someone better in the end! My parents are still together, but their marriage was an encore to both of them and they sort of slinked away to a JP which is sad :( I wish my Mom had a dress to hand down or some pictures I could hang up at my reception!
How dare people have that attitude towards encores - what makes them think THEY'LL never be an encore? I think they might be singing a different tune..
Again, one day sadly many might find themselves walking in my shoes. And I sure hope they DON'T. I want everybody to be happy. I wish they could!
And if somebody judges me or says anything about me being an encore or having a lovely wedding, then they can kiss an invite goodbye and being my friend. I personally DO NOT JUDGE people to begin with and am happy for my friends who have been blessed to find real love in their lives.
Sadly, now at my age (just turned 40 and look young. At bridal salons most have assumed I WAS a first time bride btw, but my son kinda gave it away..lol) I've personally been on the receiving end of the criticism from one salon I won't mention..but when my day does happen, I'll blast em' on my blog and let them see what an encore wedding CAN be! Happy, lovely, heart-felt, and every damn bit as good as any other wedding!!!
They can never understand until they walk a mile in your shoes... don't worry about them. Do what makes you happy!
I've been looking over some of my old posts and savoring the fact that all that wedding planning stress is GONE! Praise be! I have been surprised by the number of guests who have told us that ours was the best wedding they've ever attended. Relaxed, classy, yet fun. WITHOUT spending an outrageous amount of money! We have over 1900 hits on our wedding web site so someone must be enjoying the pictures! LOL
Of the relative few who have not made positive comments but who have remained strangely silent, I think they are jealous of how very happy we are and the fact that we managed to pull off a great wedding all by ourselves and have everything exactly the way we want. Yeah we are 50 years old and this is not the first marriage or either of us but we looked great, the ceremony was outstanding and the reception and pig roast oddles of fun. I say encores are entitled to everything good and fun just like any other couple!
Amen sister sunshine! I agree completely... they are jealous that you could find happiness & share such a love with one another while they're still chained to their rude, unromantic husband of 40 years.
I'm so annoyed with people looking down on encores or making comments. My friend recently got married for her second time (her 1st husband turned out crazy after they got married) and a couple people actually made the comment at her wedding "I hope this one sticks". I almost lunged at one person when they said it.. the nerve!
Most of the time people have no idea what goes on in a marriage & not everyone lives happily ever after the first time! Good for you bluespurrs! I wish you all the success & happiness in the world :)
THANK you. i hate when people who dont live by etiquette on a daily basis think that once an engagement ring comes about its like they are Emily Post!
I am not an encore bride but my FI is an encore groom. The first time around he got married at the JP so this time he wanted a wedding (albeit a private one w/ just the two of us). A wedding is a celebration of love and a start for your future together so who cares what others think....do what works for YOU
Exactly JamaicaBride! Btw, we're glad to have you here and your FI as an encore groom!
Jamaicabride- I too married a man who was divorced, it is my first marriage. I don't know if it's because of my age (I'm 38) or his previous marriage, but we got a lot of "what are you going to do for a wedding? Or how will you get married? It's not so much the question as the tone and look you get. My then FI wanted a JP- I talked him into a low budget but beautiful wedding. Bluespurres We also had a pigroast, but in a park. No dance, just good food. I didn't want all the fuss, but I did want to celebrate the fact that I found the love of my life and I wanted everyone to celebrate and with us. I also heard afterword that it was the most beautiful wedding they had been to. I think the lack of stress and simple enjoyment of celebrating made the day beautiful and unique! I don't know that I have ever seen my husband so happy as on that day. To think we almost missed it because of what other people think.
Congratulations Sandibee for having that day where you celebrated your love! Sounds wonderful! Do you have any pics you can post for us on another thread?
It is important to celebrate that day..big or small. Finding love again after heartbreak is so amazing to me. It's like a renewal!
I felt a lump in my throat last week when T went with me to my son's parent/teacher conference. The teacher asked who he was, was he my son's dad and I said no..T said "im going to be the stepdad next year."
It was so sweet..and I realized that it's just not about the wedding, it's about the family we're creating. :)
We deserve..what we need to make our day amazing. I know I personally handed over lots of my belongings in the divorce to a guy who cheated and lied to me so much..even lost my beloved cappucino maker too! So for somebody to say that encores deserve nothing should think again!
The sheer fact our hearts are open to love again and that we've done the work in our own lives to sweep out the cobwebs of the past to make room for new happiness is sheer proof enough to me that our weddings should be embraced.
I realize this is how I feel, but for the Elizabeth Taylors of the world on their seventh or eighth time down the long aisle, my gift might be a tad modest at that point. I wouldn't be purchasing a cappucino maker for her.
Bellenga- I'm not very good at posting pictures. But I will give it a try on a different thread. BTW I really love your thoughtful words and the amount of passion you put into your posts.
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