I feel the same way Bluespurrs! In fact it’s what made me begin my blog and also find weddingbee so I could connect with other encores and also RE-WORK this awful way of thinking.
I am going to say something here and it is blatantly imho truthful. It’s also hopefully NOT going to offend anyone here and I have a disclaimer before I write what I feel is the truth about why people feel as they do about encore weddings.
I wish EVERYBODY to be happy and remain happy after marriage. I do. I do not wish anybody to go thru what I did, but for those who have had pain and hurt, I wish them happiness and love..doesn’t everybody deserve that? I had a xh who was unfaithful and in the end a horrid person to me and I deserve 100 percent happiness. Yes, I can say that.
Now my feelings regarding the encore bride and why we have been treated as invisible by the wedding industry, and even by friends is because:
1) In order to be an encore, you have to be divorced. ARRRGH. I said the d word. it’s horrible, a divorce. when you see an encore bride or groom and hear of somebody RE-MARRYING it almost sounds alien to some extent and let’s be honest. I was one of those who thought divorce was horrible and something I’d never do. Nobody in my family was divorced and I thought it was a plague. Then my xh cheated and I had to re-think and re-design my life plan overall. I remember one of my favorite summer vacations in Destin as a child. That weekend, Diana married Charles. My grandmother took us even to the grocery store so we could have our own "royal wedding reception" for the beautiful princess Bride. We all watched her float down the aisle and I remember as a young adult hearing of her death after her divorce and crying. She was the princess and it was supposed..SUPPOSED to be different right? I remember that little party with homemade cupcakes, streamers, and eating Pepperidge farms danish wedding cookies toasting with kool aid fruit punch the beautiful Princess Bride and her Prince.
2)Knowing that a woman is divorced or a man is divorced kinda ruins imho the "and they lived happily ever after" that the wedding industry sells for the most part. It’s even part of a package that Disney sells isn’t it? Yes I believe the industry would wish we’d quit raining on their parade, selling stories of REMARRIAGE and the knowledge that to get here we had to DIVORCE, but we are there. And we won’t all go remarry quietly in a white or ivory suit so ugly that no respectable MOTHER of the bride would touch it. I actually was one who cringed when SJP wore that suit (despite the fab shoes) that Carrie wore to marry Big in SITC. I won’t slink away in a sickening dress wearing a corsage and do it over my lunch hour. Sorry, not gonna.
If we are the antithesis to the dream they are selling (this is the best day of your life, that day among all days mindset) then no wonder they don’t cater to us.
But they SHOULD. Statistics show we exist, just like nuclear physics and mathmatics show that antineutrinos and black holes exist!
And the industry and all parties who wonder about us or worry about us being "there" should understand this..WE DIDN’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. We would have rather our initial happy ever after be just that. But IT IS WHAT IT IS and we are wanting to rejoin all the happy couple friends we have with life as THEY know it. (more about them a little bit down).
3)More about the "ever-after" and how sadly some women I met treated divorcees. I used to live in a subdivision a few years ago where the women primarily were stay at home moms (used to be one, they’re great and do hard work!) and they were UNFRIENDLY to me outright. I am one who has lots of friends, is friendly in general, and a hard-working mom in and out of the home. It was ???? why nobody was nice to me or my child at the pool or invited us over for dinner or bunko. Finally a girlfriend of mine who was over (she’s married) broke the news to me. She was talking to one of the women there and they were just talking (I was at the other end of the pool swimming with my son) and the neighbor told my friend "well look at her. She’s happy. She’s single and dating. Who would leave their husband alone around her? She’s got her single friends and doesn’t need to be around us." I was crushed. I was saddened beyond belief. I was about the SAFEST person around. They thought ME being divorced also was CATCHING like a virus or cold. Apparently they also didn’t like the idea of a bikini wearing mom being their friend because of the fact I was single and didn’t look like a woman in mourning wearing black and a dress covering her ankles for five years. I was supposed to NOT BE LIKE ME. As shocking as my fave heroine, Scarlett O’Hara, was when she danced with Rhett and blew off the whole "in mourning" situation and became the most scandalous encore bride in all of the south! (Oh I love Scarlett for so much!!!)
4)The mere idea of divorce can send people in opposite directions. Luckily I had some good friends who remained after I divorced, but suddenly "you’re different" to them. You are single. You are fair game in the dating world. You are also representing to them a world in which there ARE VARIABLES and real risk and pain and devastation. I also to them represented a cruel, harsh world where some people have to start their lives over, lose assets and wealth, and could be alone. I scared them.
There’s a reason married couples hang together. They’re in the same boat. The marriage boat. They raise kids together, have bbq’s, go on vacations together, and give each other baby showers. That’s how it is supposed to be. But goodness if you are that ONE couple in the group of friends who divorce and suddenly you might find yourself ostracized or your good friends regarding you "differently" as I went thru. Anybody see the movie "Bridget Jones"? It is one of my favorite movies of all time. For you see I have "been" Bridget and attended dinners with some of my married couple friends and felt as she did (except my friends were nice and loving) and while they were nice and loving, I was still despite their best efforts still regarded as strangely single..like I was missing an eye or a leg or had half a body. Focus was always immediately on "well are you seeing somebody yet Belle?" I woudl reply. Nope. Just happy "as I am" (thank Bridget!). Now my friends (who are and were my friends all along and great couples) I can honestly say feel a bit more "as it were" about me being happy and T and I being together and the re-establishment of "couple-dom" if you will.
~These are my radical somewhat views on why people sometimes aren’t terribly supportive of encore brides and weddings and also why the wedding industry itself somewhat sweeps us under the rug.
I shall now and forevermore step not too gracefully off this soapbox and resume my duties. Again, hope I didn’t offend anybody at all. These were my experiences. These are my perceptions. I may be totally off base. Or I might be on track. It doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is that brides are given the day they deserve of love and utter happiness and grooms feel free to celebrate just the same their love and excitement for as the bee LizWintz put it "
Here is my thing-encore or not, first time, second time…
It is the first time you are marrying each other.
‘nuf said! Do what you want and enjoy! "
The soapbox is now forever retired to the closet and won’t return…I hope.