Ended my engaged relationship…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1595 posts
Bumble bee

@rosetea:  There is nothing wrong with wanting to find out who you are as an individual vs. as part of a couple.  People do change a lot during the years you’ve spent with your FI, and I would say there is still a modest amount of change that goes on until the mid 20’s for many people. 

Hopefully with time you’ll be able to appreciate what these last few years have taught you about yourself and relationships, and as you move forward you’ll find the right match – one where you no longer have questions and doubts.

Post # 4
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@rosetea:  you did the right thing by calling off the engagement. Worst thing is to keep going and then end up divorcing 

DH abd I met wheb we were 18/19 and we broke up when he was 22 and i was 21. And I felt guilty about breaking up with him but I knew it needed to be done. I know this might not be how it is for you, but I always knew I would get back together with him. He was going through a phase and I told myself that if we dont break up now, we will breakup later and it will be nasty.

Maybe you just need to sort through your feelings and I am a strong believe that if its meant to be it will be.

I am sorr y you have to go through this, but again you did the right thing. *hugs*

Post # 6
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

@rosetea:  I don’t know if it’s the right decision ot not but sometimes you need to end a relationship in order to really know what you want. It might be you’ll regret it and youll reliaze how much you love him and get back together. Or maybe youll go on achieving great things for yourself and this will be the best decision of your life. Time will tell but until then stay strong and now you have the oppertunity to achieve everything you gave up your love for him for 🙂 good luck

Post # 7
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@rosetea:  hugs! That had to be hard.

Wishing you the best. Go do the things that you need to do for you.

If you two are meant to be it’ll all work out that way sooner or later.

FWIW, I think you made the right decision for both of you – if you didn’t do this and stayed you may have regretted it and resented him later.

Post # 8
25 posts

Time will tell if you made a ”mistake.” However, following what your gut is telling you is NEVER a mistake. At only 21 years old, you owe it to yourself and to your life to find out what is right for you, and to allow yourself to bloom into the awesome person you still have to become. Maybe a few years down the road, you two will work it out and get back together, but sometimes, this is life’s way of telling you to keep searching and there is nothing wrong with that. 

There is just something about being single (esp in late teens/early 20s) that fully allows you to care for yourself and only yourself and figure out what you really want, what you really love, etc. You wil have the rest of your adult life to worry about a husband, kids, etc… you DESERVE this time to be fully involved/invested in developing yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself later in life. Lean on your friends, seek comfort of your family, you can get through it. Everything will work out the way that it’s supposed to. That last little piece of advice has gotten me through some rough times, and now, after having come out the other side, I see the truth in it. Good luck!

Post # 9
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@rosetea:  I agree with everyone, you were brave to make this choice, and your “older self” will thank you later on down the road.  

About telling other people-  do what you feel is right.  This is just as much your breakup as it is his (and it’s definitely not your mom’s!).  If he wants to tell people, he’s allowed to.  However, if you’re not confortable doing that just yet, then don’t.  Both situations are perfectly okay.

I promise, each day will be a little bit easier! 

Post # 10
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@rosetea:  it sounds like you made a tough decision but the right one.  deep down you know that you want to gain your independence, experience life and have the space to become the woman you want to be. 

the reason it’s so hard for you is because you still very much love and care for him.  that doesn’t mean that you are “in love” with him.  the two of you have been together for many years.  he has been apart of your life while you were growing up and maturing.  he is like family. 

the feeling you have right now is grief.  it feels like you are losing a best friend or family member.   also, he is all you know.  he was always there for you.  you are now single.  this is a new experience for you.  it’s unknown and you are unsure of so many things.  these feelings are all normal.

i would suggest that you keep yourself busy with school or other hobbies.  join some clubs, meet new people and make some new friends.

you are young.  allow yourself time to blossom because that’s really what you want from this.

Post # 11
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You haven’t made a mistake.

I did the complete opposite when I was 21 – instead of doing the sensible thing and breaking my engagement, I ended up marrying him, even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.  We’d been together since I was 17, and I also couldn’t imagine life without him…but that’s what I needed to do first, build my own life before getting involved so seriously with someone else. 

Our marriage only lasted 2 and a half years.  I hadn’t really wanted to get married, I’d just wanted to get away from my parents.   I’m now 45, and I still regret that my 20s were full of drama and angst.  You don’t get this time back, enjoy able to explore what you want in life without having to answer to anyone else.

Post # 12
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You made the right decision. Going from childhood straight into a relationship leaces little time to know yourself as an individual.  Take your time and explore what’s out there. You never know your fiance may end the end be the one you were destined to be with. It’s nice you won’t string him along and irreperably damage your relationship.  Good luck. 

Post # 13
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My now-FI and I broke it off when we had been dating for 4 years-we met when I was 17. A lot of the reason we broke up was for the same reasons you mentioned. We got back together after 7 months or so, and our relationship is so perfect now!

When we were initially together, I always had a feeling that if we married, we wouldn’t last. I also didn’t realize until we got back together just how much growing up we had to do ourselves-I always thought we were mature and better than all of the relationships that hadn’t been around as long. Now, our relationship is like a dream! We really needed that time away to grow and mature and have the freedom to do whatever we wanted without having to think about anyone but ourselves. We also found out later on that neither of us chose to explore relationships with other people-but it was so important that we had the option to.

We both feel that breaking up was the best thing to ever happen to us and almost see that first relationship as being with entirely different people because it was so drastically different from the relationship we have today. Best of luck to you-I’m sure this must be very hard.


Post # 14
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@rosetea:  Some 21 year olds are ready to get married but most are not. You are going to feel sad but you were simply not ready. I think what you did was far better than simply marrying because it was”expected”  You will both be fine.

Post # 15
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

In my honest opinion, you were too young to be engaged. You’d been with him for most of your teenage years and couldn’t imagine life without him because you hadn’t actually had a life without him.

Go and hang out with people. Go out with your friends. Keep studying. Go meet new people. Get involved in your own life. Things suck right now but I’m sure at least part of you feels relieved. Hang onto that feeling. If you end up together again in a few years when you’ve both had time to grow up a bit, great. But for now, try focusing on being with yourself.

Post # 16
1104 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Good for you for realizing this before you got married and being strong enough to end things instead of hoping they get better and going on with the relationship anyway.

Sounds like you did the best thing for you. You’ve been in a relationship for a long time and so young. I would recommend taking a lot of YOU time to do some soul searching. Figure out what you like, do what you want to do, and have fun! Go out with girl friends, date to get an idea of what you like and don’t like, get some experience out in the world. It will be a great for you. Try to think of it as an exciting time to do what you want and be happy!

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