(Closed) Ending Engagement? Help!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am so sorry girl, it makes me sad to hear but maybe you guys can go to counceling and postpone the wedding before making some permanent choices.  I can definately see why you would want to break it off and moving in to that room might be a really bad idea. YOu need your own place far from the inlaws especially since they dont seem to like you. I am sorry, I wish I could say more to make you feel better. 


Post # 4
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You didnt waste 6 years of your life. You loved and you learned.

Their are multiple red flags that came up in your post and I know its hard, but if youre not happy now, you cannot possibly think that a wedding will change how you feel! He curses at you and mocks you?? This is not how a man should act when difficult times arise in a relationship. When you get married, YOU are first, not his family. How do you see the situation changing in your favor in the future if you do marry him?

Post # 5
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry to hear it.  Take it from someone who made a mistake and married the wrong man…if you see warning signs, adress them BEFORE you get married.  I asked for advice and was told it was just cold feet and I was overreacting, and money was down for deposits and I would let everyone down.  I went through with it and that’s how I found out my instincts were right.  It doesn’t matter how much money is down on the deposits; is that sum worth your future happiness, and the happiness of your FI?  It can’t possibly be enough money to make that trade.  You can put your engagement on hold and sort things out.

Just because you put an engagement on hold, it doesn’t mean you won’t end up eventually marrying him, it just means you’re not ready yet.  He needs to make you a priority and stand up for you, and in return you need to give his family some leeway.  Asking him to choose between you and his family isn’t a good idea, and if you calmly point out to him that they’re putting you in that situation and that it’s not acceptable, he needs to respect that.  If he doesn’t, it won’t work and everyone will be hurt.  If he asks you to give his family a chance, say, “Fair enough, but I don’t want to get married until I’m convinced that this dynamic will work.”  Then make a real effort to give his faily the benefit of the doubt and be extra nice to them in a way that he’s bound to notice.  If they still treat you like crap, he’ll figure it out or he’s not worth it.

Did you love him?  Did you enjoy your time with him?  If so, it wasn’t a waste.  It was never a waste, in the same way that no period of dating that was a positive experience is a waste.  If he got hit by a car tomorrow, you wouldn’t consider the past 6 years a waste, so why would a break-up be a waste?  There’s no race to a wedding finish line.  If this didn’t work out, it does not mean you wasted your time.  It means you built a relationship with someone and now it’s time to move on and make room for something new in your life…new time to grow yourself, or your friends, or space for a partner who respects you.  How long do you expect to live?  Probably at least another 40 years(barring anything unusual)?  6 out of 40 is nothing.  But if you spend 40 years in an unhappy marriage, that’s a waste.  It’s a waste because you’re not being treated properly.  If he is unwilling to get to a point where he respects you BEFORE the wedding, it won’t change after.

This is an extremely difficult situation, and you are a champion for coping with it and trying to address it rationally.  Whatever you decide, keep in mind that you need to be in your own corner, especially since he’s not in it right now.  Find some supportive friends and let them help you with any decision you make.

Post # 6
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry you’re sad. Please don’t jump off anything and please do not kill yourself. You need to listen to yourself. You’re not happy. While it sounds like he is a loyal family man, the extent to which he gives to his family exceeds what you feel is reasonable. It compromises your relationship when he puts them and their financial well being before you and the financial well being of you both as a couple. He belittles you when you try to communicate this to him, hopefully in a calm way. This does not sound like a healthy situation/relationship and living with his family doesn’t sound like an improvement at all.

So, let me ask you this. Which is worse: learning from those 6 years, or wasting more time when you are so unhappy?

Good luck to you.


Post # 7
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If things are that bad, you may have to just cut off the toxic relationships that keep you down. It seems like you are consistently feeling like you are belittled, berated, and undervalued. Why continue to go through that?

I’m a huge Dr. Phil fan and one of the things he continuously says is “What’s worse than a bad one year relationship?…One that lasts a year and one day” I think that you’re in this situation. Sure you spent six years with him, but if you spend even one more day in a toxic relationship, you’re only hurting yourself. At some point you have to make the decision to be happy and if he doesn’t want to be part of the solution, consider him a problem and walk away.


Post # 13
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If you are unhappy, crying and fighting all the time, you simply should not get married.  The right man for you won’t make you feel that way!

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our first love that we aren’t sure what a healthy relationship really should be like.  I can tell you constant tears, insults, and pain is NOT a healthy relationship.  There’s a better match out there for you.

Your guy may not be a bad guy, but maybe he’s just not ready to be married or maybe he’s just not a good match for you.  If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not going to change after the wedding.

Now try to dry those tears and focus on yourself!  I know a breakup feels like the end of the world… but it really isn’t.  You’ll eventually get over him, you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll get on with life.  Look at this as a new beginning and a weight off your shoulders.  Bad relationships are very emotionally draining!  Reconnect with old friends, make new ones, and enjoy your new freedom.

Post # 14
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This sounds EXACTLY like what I went through with my ex. Yes, my EX. I was with him for 5 years before I realized the fighting and arguing were not going to get better. The ONLY difference in the story is my ex had 2 sisters (not brothers) and instead of a room out back, we were supposed to live in his old bedroom in the house. His parents were bankrupt and he didn’t want to move out so he could help them pay their debts and keep afloat. Hell no. I finally got the courage to leave him, and I couldn’t be happier now. I thought that I didn’t want that 5 years to go to waste, that I wouldn’t find anyone else I could love more…boy was I wrong. I’m now 6 years into it with my Fiance and I would not appreciate him near as much as I do if I hadn’t had that terrible 5 years with my ex. It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you’ll be so much better for it.

Post # 15
138 posts
Blushing bee

Since others have already given you a lot of insight on how to deal with this, i keep it short.  relationships are not supposed to be crying and fighting everyday.  I know this because i had a relationship that had a lot of crying and fighting.  I now am in a relationship that i rarely cry, and we fight but not over every little thing.  I wish you the best, remember you deserve much better!

Post # 16
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Be strong, take the lessons you have learned and leave. You can do it.

Th biggesr thing in your story were the last lines about his attitude towards you: he doesn’t respect you.

A marriage can exist without love, many arranged marriages do, and a marriage can exist with (some) fighting & tears. But a marriage will not work if both people do not respect each other.

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