- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I know that weddings can bring out the best and worst in people, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for that. But the things that have gone on with one particular friend just seems crazy to me! I have no idea where this is coming from on his end and it boggles the mind of my FI. Please tell me if I am crazy and out of line or there is something fishy about this whole friendship ending fight.
Backstory: I have been friends with “John”, who is gay but in the closet to most people, for almost a decade, we met in college and are in the same group of friends.We have been there for each other through alot.
I got engaged a little over a month ago and John has not said congrats even once. When I discuss any wedding or realtionship things with him, he changes the subject. Fine. He says he doesn’t like it when his other married engaged friends talk about it around him because he can’t relate. Fine. We stopped.
I just went back to school full time and am doing a very, very intense program and not getting more than 3-5hrs of sleep a night, including weekends. This is the norm for the program. John plans 2 birthday parties, one on his actual b-day and another on the weekend. I arrive late to the actual one because I’m obsessive and was in the zone with an assignment. John yells at me and berates me at the party for being late. I just laugh, he’s drunk, whatever! Then he wants to know if I am coming to the weekend party. I say no, I have a weekend long (Friday to Sunday night) workshop that is required for my program if I want to take on any leadership roles during or after the program. Its given only 2x a year. I have been planning to do this program for months, and told John about it in passing before. But, we can hang out when I get back!
After the workshop I keep asking John to hang out, etc. He ignores me several times for a week. Whatever, he has his moods, right? Then John sends me this LONG whiney email about how hurt he was that I came late to his b-day party (never mind more than half of those invited din’t show up!), how can I prioritize school over him, he doesn’t like my engagment ring its too “showy” for his taste, he doesn’t approve of London as a place to get married becuse it excludes certain friends of ours, he’s hurt that things are not the way they used to be in college, we all spend more time with our SOs than him, and a whole lot of other self centered bullsh*t about this making him sad.
I tell him that all of the decisions about the wedding are between me and my FI. And to a certain extent our families, we are planning the wedding for family first. My FI’s parents are near 80. They are frail and if we had the wedding in NYC they could not come. They can do a 1hr plane trip from Ireland to London. And of course we would never try to exclude good friends on purpose. We are doing so much to make sure as many people as possible can make it and will have a good time. Said friends he was concerend about us “excluding” have said multiple times they were planning a vacation to London next year anyway, so they are excited to come! And if they can’t make it, FI & I will love them anyway, no big deal. This STILL wasn’t enough for John. He still felt our wedding was exclusionary and he needed me to give him the blow by blow of all our reasoning for choosing London over New York. FI’s parents and our love for London were not good enough reasons to him. A few weeks before I had jokingly said that if my crazy racist aunt from Georgia can’t come becuase the wedding would be in London, I would be happy. He felt that was wrong and our wedding shouldn’t exclude anyone. I totally lost it then.
How dare he cast judement or even think that I owe him an explanation for my wedding? And, as someone who hides that he’s gay from most of his family and all his coworkers, how dare he tell me that I should invite my racist aunt so she can berate my husband for being white on my wedding day?!?! No fucking way! John just could not see what the big deal was about all this. Why shouldn’t he play a role that not even my mother is planning my wedding? He said that I “had changed” since getting engaged and he thought many parts of our engagement was in poor taste and just wanted to clear a few things up, as a friend doesn’t he have that right??
I said no, you don’t have a right to anything. I keep trying to be civil, inviting you out anyway, and you just keep holding different things against me. He then said we should “take a break” from the friendship. I said nevermind, let’s not be friends at all. Anyone who would bring such drama and unhappiness to shomething that I am so thrilled about is not worthy of my time or love.
Bees, am I the crazy one to end a friendship over this? My FI thinks John is a self centered drama queen and was only surprised that he didn’t wait to pull this stunt 1 week before the wedding. Other friends say John is not mentally stable so I should not hold this outburst against him. John and I have so many friends in common though, and he is so sulky and sensitive that I am afriad they will avoid me or not come to my wedding so they don’t risk pissing him off! This all just makes me so made mad that I want to scream!! Should I have done things differently?? End of rant.