Post # 1
Warning: rant ahead.
SO has been bringing up engagement/the ring lately (otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it). He does it in his random way, pointing out a $25 ring and saying that it’s “the one” or commenting – jokingly – that he’s going to be indebted to the mob for my ring. Har har har. If you’ve read my previous posts, you might know our timeline is the end of this year. Today, he said that the ring might be a Christmas gift so he doesn’t have to get me anything else, my birthday gift (that’s in March), a Valentine’s day gift, or that he might give it to me when we go on vacation next year (who knows when that is). I said, “I thought we agreed it would be the end of the year.” He said “I know.” Then in a playful voice, he says, “My kidney is for sale on craigslist but nobody wants it yet.” Then he goes on about how he knows I want it photographed so he has to figure out how that’s going to work. It doesn’t sound like he’s made any plans or even thought about this.
I have to be honest, I am kind of heartbroken. Actually, really heartbroken and a little bit resentful. I’ve been holding on for the end of the year and now it’s up in the air?? Now I have to sit back and watch everyone get engaged during the holidays? Every time he gives me a little nugget of information, it just leads to confusion and sadness. At first I thought he was just messing with me so I’d be surprised. But the closer we get to the end of the year, the more it feels like he’s just pulling my leg. This. Sucks.
Post # 3
I know how you feel, however, your deadline has not passed yet. He may be just trying to throw you off! My FI would keep giving me timelines that were never true and that’s what upset me. Try and wait patiently until the end of the year (I know it’s hard!!) and then if it doesn’t happen, have a calm conversation with him. Fingers crossed for you!
Post # 4
@newcitylights: He’s not being too nice about it, but on the flip side, maybe he’s resenting you because you gave him the end of year deadline. I don’t know.
I would try to stop thinking about it if you possibly can, and wait until the end of the year. If the deadline passes and he is indeed messing with you, I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Doing this sorta thing when he knows how badly you want to be engaged is just cruel.
Post # 5
@newcitylights: Based on his playful tone in which he’s saying these things, it sounds like he’s just teasing you and trying to throw you off. Be patient. The year is not over yet.
Post # 6
@newcitylights: I completely feel you, because I went through this myself!
It sounds like your SO is working hard to make it happen…and he’s also working hard to keep you completely in the dark! 🙂
My FI didn’t make the end of the year deadline…and then, three months later, he didn’t make the before-he-moved-1200-miles-away-for-a-new-job deadline. I was crushed. However, he did finally propose 5 months after the original deadline. And while I’m shocked at the fact that I didn’t spontaneously combust during this time (I was not a patiently waiting bee…), the moment was still wonderful and the most amazing wave of relief poured over me.
It’s obvious you and your SO have a pretty open relationship in regards to your future. Take deep breaths and think of how this all will be told to your grandchildren: “…and so your grandpa had to wait for someone to buy his kidney over the INTERNET just to buy the most beautiful and worthy ring for your grandmother!” 😉
Post # 7
@MrsWishyWashy: This what I’m thinking… Throwing out things that are way off track.
Post # 8
Doing this sorta thing when he knows how badly you want to be engaged is just cruel.
ITA with this. And I would tell him so in plain language — not with tears or anger, just in plain English I would let him know that you do not think this is funny at all, and you would appreciate it if he would knock it off. It’s OK to let him know if you are hurting.
So sorry you’re dealing with this!
If New Year’s Eve comes and goes with no ring and no proposal, I would exit the relationship within 60 seconds of the clock striking midnight. Even if you’re in the middle of some party or celebration — I would just hand him my glass of champagne, tell him the deal is off, and walk out — but that’s just me. I have zero patience for this kind of thing and don’t take kindly to people “teasing” and “playing” about things that are deeply and painfully important to me.
If it turns out that he really was planning to get the ring in January or February — if it turns out that he really intended to propose — then let him scramble to figure out how to backpeddle and clean up the mess he made after breaking his promise. In other words: if he truly loves you and it was meant to be, he will make it happen. If he did let you get away, then he never loved you enough and you’ll have your answer.
OP, I really hope he steps up and this all works out, and in a few weeks you will be posting pics about your happy ending and your beautiful ring! But in the meantime, seriously, do let him know that he needs to re-think the ring jokes. Not funny!
Post # 9
I’m not saying that this doesn’t suck, because it does. It’s hard to say whether he is trying to throw you off his path, because although that is an option it sounds to me more likely that he really might not make it. I think that your SO, knowing how much this means to you, should have given you a realistic timeline for when he can make this happen. I think to miss a deadline he agreed on is pretty terrible.
But. I don’t think he is doing this intentionally. He might not be able to help it and could be just as crushed knowing that he can’t propose with the ring he wants to give you. He’s told you a couple times that he is having issues with the finances. Sure, they were jokes, but money is a tricky thing and I think he is telling you he can’t afford it in his own way. It sounds to me like when he proposes will depend on when he can get the money together for it. Correct me if I’m wrong, though. This is just what I thought reading through your post.
I do hope that he is just trying to distract you, though. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!
Post # 10
@BelliniChic: I am with you on this.
I know every ones relationships are different, but I have no time for people giving a timeline and then changing it. I also do not like to be teased about something I am passionate about.
Post # 11
I think you need to communicate with him clearly and rationally about how his comments make you feel.
Back when my SO first decided to start saving up for a ring he went around telling all his friends that he was going to be saving up for a ring because he knew the moment he met me that I was “The One”. That was great, but he didn’t actually put any money into savings for the ring. Each time he told someone it hurt more and more because all these people thought he was saving up for a ring when he wasn’t and my hopes were dashed each time. Well I finally sat him down and communicated to him that when he says he is saving and he’s not saving…. it’s sort of heartbreaking. He immediately jumped up from where he was sitting and put $200 in a cup on our fridge to start the savings process.
You need to make sure you communicate with him because he might not realize that his words are creating heartbreak in you. I’m sure if he knew how much it hurt you he’d be severely mad at himself for hurting you like that.
Post # 12
@newcitylights: *HUGS* and yes it totally sucks! I was given a timeline thats so damn far away that have quite a while before I hit this stage, believe me SO & I have blowouts about the topic roughly every 4 months or so, that how long I can keep it zipped until I burst again.
A very important conclusion we came to during the last round was that it was important for me to respect that he wanted to marry me, he was going to marry me, and that it would happen when he was 100% ready for it to happen. AND that it was just as important for him to respect that while our relationship is so awesome and perfect as is (not married), that marriage is important, very important, to me, even if he doesnt see it in the same way.
It wasnt exactly the conclusion I wanted, (I still wanted a propsal the next stinkin day haha) but it was a big step in understanding and accepting what is important to the both of us, I need to respect what he wants just as much as he needs to respect AND BE MINDFUL of what I want.
As far as the ‘teasing’- not cool, but he may not see it the in the same ‘teasing’ way that you do. this could just be his way of discussing the topic with you, my SO told me he never brought it up because he didnt want me to get upset or give me the impression that it was coming sooner than he was really planning. Which was very true- any word wedding related that he spoke would throw me into a crazed engagement mania mind state. Maybe his ‘teasing’ is the only way he feels comfortable saying things or prying a little to see more details of what you want without giving anything away.
who knows, if we all knew what was running through SO’s heads we wouldnt be here desperatly seeking answers for the unknown. All we can do is offer some insight and support to our fellow Bees!!
Post # 13
I talked to him about how I’m feeling. He said he wants to keep me guessing, and he wants it to be perfect. However, when I asked if he would meet the timeline, he said “I don’t know. I’ll try my best. We’ll see how some “shopping” goes.” (Uh, the ring was picked out in May). I pointblank asked him if it was a money issue, and he said no. He said there’s a lot more to the e-ring process than money. But like I said, we picked out the ring months ago. He offered to give me a month range of when it’ll be – basically a new timeline. I declined because I knew I would start crying.
Oh, and then he told me to “enjoy the not knowing.” Maybe I would be able to do that if I knew you would meet our timeline! Before yesterday, I was excited thinking that it’s coming in a matter of weeks. Now I’m dreading the entire Christmas season.
Post # 14
I’m hoping he is just trying to throw you off about when it will happen. It sounds like surprising you is really important to him so he doesn’t want you to guess when it will happen. From your talk he knows how badly you want the proposal done soon – so he would be an idiot to drag it out longer. I would try to keep calm and just think he was trying to make it a surprise. One of my good friends just got engaged yesterday and her man swore up and down that he couldn’t afford a ring until February – you might be in the same situation!
Post # 15
I’m trying to be optimistic. It’s hard. I was really going to enjoy these next few weeks, as I thought we were in the home stretch. Now I’m just sad and not looking forward to Christmas at all.
Post # 16
@newcitylights: i know this is hard. maybe this sounds simplistic, but was there ever a time in your life when you looked forward and wished so hard for someone to fall in love with? when you thought there would never be the right guy for you? I’m guessing that you felt that way at some time…and i’m guessing that point of view might help you enjoy the fact that he has assured you point blank that he will buy the ring, he has a month picked out, and you will end up marrying him. and all of those things are great. i know that you wish he’d already planned this out, but it could still work out great and by the end of the year, and you’ll enjoy it so much more if you don’t focus on it! if that does not happen, then cross that bridge when you come to it.
ETA- I’m not saying that you should abndon your deadline AT ALL. I’m a huge fan of deadlines. But I’m a fan of them because they helped me to not worry as much! So that’s what I hope for for you.