Post # 1
I apologise for going anonymous. I am in shock really. I am four weeks pregnant. I was on the pill. My fiance has completely fipped out and is no longer recognisable. He has gone from the sweetest, kindest, door-opening gentleman into a rapid swearing abusive nightmare.
Some of the stuff that has come out of his mouth is unforgiveable. I have known about his pregnancy for twenty-four hours and honestly have no idea what I am going to do. It is fair that while we both own comfortabel incomes, neither of us are completely stable in our occupations and I am the bread-winner. We could not currently get by on his income. He is also from another culture – and has explained to me in very clear terms, the shame I would bring on his family if I were to continue the pregnancy. He has also said that he had thought that his life was heaven but that a baby would make it hell. He has said that he does not want to be a father to this baby but does want babies in two or three years when we are financially stable.
I am in shock.
I do not reocgnise the man that I am engaged to and who is now the father of this baby. This is terrifying. It is like he has grown extra arms overnight. This is not him.
I am terrified about being pregnant. I had always been clear with him that I would never have another abortion. I had one three years ago – I was in a different relationship -and had nightmares for months. I still think about this baby and feel like I killed her even though it was the best decision I could make at the time.
Help. I am all alone. I don;t want to tell my friends or family – they will never look at my normally amazing man the same way. Help.
Post # 3
He has called me selfish. He has yelled at me. He jumped out of a moving car today. He has sworn. He has slammed doors. He has told me that I am ruining his life.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
It may just be initial shock, but he sounds like he has a terrible way of dealing with curveballs. He’s perfect until put in a position of stress and possible hardship… That doesn’t really sound like a person you would want to spend your life with. I don’t know whether you can emotionally or financially handle at this time being pregnant/a single mom but as for this guy, I say run for the hills! He isn’t being at all supportive or seem to want to take your feelings into consideration and that isn’t fair to you 🙁
Post # 5
How long have the two of you been together? I know that is a strange question, but so is his behavior.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you are going through this; my heart goes out to you. Regardless of whether his reaction is down to shock or not, he has no right to treat you this way. Yes, you’re both in it together and he needs to realise that too. Hopefully he snaps out of this and you two can come to an agreement as to what to do but at this time it doesn’t sound like he’s even in the right frame of mind to be telling you what to do.
Post # 7
oh hunny i am so sorry you are going through this, as if pregnancy isnt stressful enough.
His reaction is terrible and as you describe totally out of character. Would giving him some time help do you think? Maybe he needs to speak to HIS parents about it and see what they have to say, he might be surprised at their actual reaction and calm down.
That being said however his families feelings in all of this are null and void. He should be supporting his future wife. You have clearly stated that abortion is not an option and that is ok. If he is truely not on board than im afraid it looks like your relationship cannot go any further.
It may not be the right time but in two or three years time you will have a beautiful child.
Lets say you did have an abortion. how would he feel in 3 years time if you were then unable to conceive, knowing that it as him that pressured you into the desicion.
He is definately over reacting and i would be careful. Is this the firt time you have witnesed this behavious from him. How does he normally handle stresssful situations?
ETA Sorry for the spelling and grammar, im in a rush but didnt want to read and run
Post # 8
Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I have seen him in stressful situations before – but probably not when he felt his life was so completely out of his control and when he thought that all his plans had been taken from him.
I have polycystic ovaries.I was told my fertility would be affected. I can’t stop shaking.
Post # 9
Post # 10
I am 28. He is 33. This is just a nightmare.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! *internet hugs*
How old is your FI? He’s acting like a scared 15-year-old boy! He’s definitely very bad at handling stressful situations and had no right to lash out on you like that. Coward!
What you can do right now is make yourself a hot cup of tea, sit down and think about whether you want to keep this baby regardless of what your FI may think of it and regardless of what that means for your relationship. Are you willing to keep this baby even if that means your relationship won’t survive? Think about this independantly. No man has the right to blackmail you like that – either you have an abortion or I leave. That’s simply not acceptable. Make your decision without taking his “scared teenage boy” threats into account.
If you’re sure you want to keep this baby, he’ll have to make a decision whether to keep both of you or to lose both of you but he cannot force you to have an abortion. If he’s so concerned about “bringing shame upon his family”, you could also elope and get married right away so the child won’t be born out of wedlock. You’re engaged anyway so why wait?
But either way you deserve a man who’s more concerned with you than his family and any potential shame. Give him a little time to calm down from the initial shock and see the situation for what it is. This baby is only coming 2-3 years sooner than intended, not 10 years sooner. Having it may be difficult but it’s not impossible or life-threatening. Just give him a day or two, maybe he’ll come around.
Good luck, honey, and keep us posted. *hugs*
Post # 12
@beeanonysorry: I couldn’t let anyone pressure me into an abortion. Don’t get me wrong, Im not against them in the least, I have had one myself.
I was like you, I had one and it tore me up, and I have an implant so there would be no chance of me missing my pill, taking some medicine etc. and getting pregnant again. I couldn’t lose another baby, I am just… one of those women.
I can’t relate completely though, I have no issues with my fertility and so that is no issue whatsoever for me…
If I were you I would give him some time, it could take days or weeks, but you need to let him know by x date (perhaps at your 8-10 week mark) you need to sit down, and have a completely rational conversation and he needs to be perpared for that.
If he’s the man you know him to be, Im sure he will be able to get through this with you, but he obviously needs some time to get over the big shock. He knows you have some time right? Its not as though this decision needs to be made tonight, you are very very early on.
All the best anony, this must be really hard xo
Post # 13
@MsMeow: Thank you. He’s 33 (though acting like a 3 year old). I’m 28. Thank you. I’m a mess. I reversed into someone today – completely my fault. thank goodness for insurance. I’m going to get the cup of tea. I shouldn’t go to work tomorrow right?
Post # 14
@beeanonysorry: If you’re this stressed it’s absolutely not a day to be working. You are legitimately stressed to the point of not functioning properly (Im sure you don’t back into people normally) Take this time for yourself sweetie!
@MsMeow: +1to, like, everything here.
Post # 15
@beeanonysorry: He may just be freaked out, but I think it’s more like this is the real him. True colors. I had a friend in highschool who actively tried to get pregnant. She and her bf were purposely not using any form of contraception in order to get pregnant. Then when she got pregnant he freaked out. Forced her to have an abortion on the grounds of leaving her if she didn’t. Then after she did he left her anyway. Turned out he had been cheating and lying about everything.
This man is saying truly horrible things to you. Over a baby? Over a baby he would want in 2 years, but not 9 months. Something seems off. It’s your decision what to do, but protecting his image from your family will only make them think you’re crazy when the shit hits the fan later on down the line. Isn’t your husband supposed to emotionally support you in your time of need?
Post # 16
Do you want to get an abortion?