Hey girls, I'm going anon for this post because I don't want my fiance to find any trace of this..
I want to start off by saying how absolutely horrible I feel that I'm even in the postion to be writing this. I've been with my fiance for almost 8 years, we've been engaged for about 6 months. I do love him to the ends of the earth, he is a good guy who treats me really well, works hard and wants me to be happy. His best friend is also my best friend, I actually introduced them when we were still kids in elementary school so we've all been really close for a lot of years, for this thread we'll call my fiance S and the friend K. K and I have had a pretty much completely platonic relationship since childhood, minus one drunken kiss when we were in high school, and then everything changed. On my birthday this august S, K and I all went out to celebrate, and I can't explain how the conversation ended up in us having a threesome, I'm normally pretty conservative and the thought of a threesome had never crossed my mind really, one thing lead to another and we all eventually ended up in bed together. After it happened I honestly didn't feel that anything had changed, I felt a little awkward knowing K had seen me naked but other than that I thought things would totally stay the same. Its been a few months and we have actually all started to live together (K is renting a room from S and I) and I have started to develop really strong feelings for K and I can't seem to shake them. I feel this serious connection to him that I can't explain. The worst part is I'm starting to wonder if the feelings are mutual. Sometimes I catch him staring, and I think he's flirting with me but its hard to tell because of our long standing friendship I can't tell if hes just being my friend or what. I feel so awful.. its absolutely killing me, He is the best man in our wedding.. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to force myself to stop feeling things for him. My fiance has no idea and I have no idea if K knows anything about how I'm feeling. I definitely havent said anything to him about it..
I'm sorry for the rambling, but I havent told ANYONE about ANYTHING including the threesome, not even my best friends or sisters because i don't want the judgement.. what should I do? Please someone help..
Ignore your warm fuzzy feelings for K, get him out of your home PRONTO and remind yourself that since you've had so much time to decide weather or not you wanted to be with him and didn't, that it's probably the allure of what's forbidden rather than him....
@spillingfinally: From a mans point of view, when you did the threesome, it opens the door wide open for it to happen again. I bet K wouldnt say no if the opportunity arises again but im sure S will have other ideas. Remain friends cause if you play with fire you will get burnt and you could be the one to lose them both.
The best solution is to ask S that when you get married that you need a home for just the 2 of you.
Ask yourself a simple question - Can i live my life without S?, If it is a yes then dont marry him. If no then do.
best of luck to you.
@Nona99: Another vote for this. You are just asking to destroy your relationship by living with this guy! The thrill of the "naughty" can be quite alluring and it can make you forget how much you actually love the normal, perfect guy in your life. Kick K out, give it a few months, and then if you're still hung up on him, have a serious talk with your fiance...
This is a shitty situation and I wish you luck in handling it!
You guys need to get him out of there. Especially after what happened. Also - I think you should talk to your FI about this. I understand your hesitation, so I wouldn't say necessarily that you should bring up your feelings, but I would at least explain that it is making you uncomfortable and that things feel kinda off. Who knows, maybe he thinks so too and hasn't said anything? That could at least get the ball rolling in the right direction.
@happyscot thank you, I think i need some perspective from a man. I would hate to lose either of them, because they both play such a substantial role in my life, but when it comes down to it, S comes first and has to. I do love him, and in the 8 years we've been together I have never doubted my desire to be completely faithful to him. I just don't know why suddenly i have all these diffferent feelings and why i can't just swallow them and make them go away :(
I believe the universe brings people into our lives for a reason. If not as a blessing, then as a lesson. Tread carefully, but listen to what your gut, mind and heart are telling you.
@StephieBee: He moved into our home in on November 1st, and this happened in August. My fiance has total trust in both of us and never hesitated when he asked to rent a room from us. I just don't want to lose either of them, especially not my fiance and i don't want him to be hurt by these feelings I can't control.
This is why sexual encounters involving other people outside the relationship tend to get messy.
Sex is extremely complex and emotional (the oxytocin- the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding- released during orgasm is evidence of that) and it's pretty much impossible to have sex with someone and expect *not* to have feelings later. -I'll qualify this by saying that a lot of Bees probably disagree with me, and I respect that, but that's my take on it.
If you want to save your relationship with your FI, you need to tell him about your feelings, and you probably also unfortunately need to end the friendship with K.
That's probably the last thing you want to do, seeing as you're all so close to K as a friend, but unfortunately once those feelings are there, you can't just 'take them back' and act like they never existed.
And you FOR SURE need to get him out of your house.
@spillingfinally: It's called Lust. We all like the thrill and since you have been in a relationship for 8 years i bet you still like the fact that another guy likes you. Its natural to feel wanted but you have to keep K at arms lenght until these feelings go away. Men can sense when a girl is vunerable and can be taken advantage of. Damn ive had brief naughty thoughts about other women but as soon as i think about how much i love my woman they soon go away. Its not worth risking 8 years for lust for true love.
There are many issues involved in your situation. You are engaged to marry one man, while you believe you are developing strong feelings for another. To compound this matter, you are sharing a residence with both men, one in a romantic relationship, the other in a friendship/tenant capacity. Finally, both you and your FI have a close emotional relationship with the "other man." (Because my personal beliefs differ strongly from yours with respect to the shared physical relationship that developed, I will refrain from addressing that issue in this comment.)
One thing that is important to note is that you and your FI, though together for eight years and currently engaged, are not married. Because of this, even though you both apparently have long believed you were in a committed relationship, no marrige vows have been exchanged -- at least not legally, and, technically, you both are free to change your minds and pursue a relationship with someone else, the pain of a potential breaking of an engagement notwithstanding.
Although you cannot control how either man will respond to this situation, only you can choose what direction you personally want to take.
If you do not want to, or cannot, permanently set aside and overcome your feelings for K (and, to do this, I don't think there is any way K can remain in your home or in the roles he has been playing in either of your lives) and focus entirely on your pending marriage to S, I believe you cannot continue to move foward with your wedding plans. Even if things ultimately do not work out with K, it would be unfair of you to allow S to assume that all is well in your relationship when clearly it is not.
I don't think anyone addressed your relationship with K. Sometimes I think women without a lot of male friends have a hard time understading the friendship between a guy and a girl who aren't in a relationship. My best friend is male so I think I can better understand your hesitation to end your friendship with him. This is such an awful situation, and I hope you can find some solution without too many hearts being broken. Remember how temporary the feeling of lust can be, and how deep rooted your love with your husband to be is. Don't hate yourself for feeling things that are out of your control, it's not your fault.
@Nona99: My exact thoughts.
Eek. This is hard. You need to make the decision; stay with FI or not... If you decide you can't live without FI then find a way to kick out K and not hang out with him as much.
Proximity actually plays a significant role in how you feel about that person. Get him out of your house, you can't really live with him and expect these feelings to go away.
Until he leaves, focus on all his bad points. I'd bet that you're feeling lust. It's very flattering to have someone 'new' want you, especially once you've been in a relationship for a while, but let's think about this: you've known K for a long time. If you ACTUALLY had legitimate feelings for him and saw traits that were attractive in a partner, why is it that you've only started feeling this way now?
The first step is getting him to move out. I don't think you need to end the friendship, but I think until these feelings go away you'd do well to distance yourself from him.
This is really tough. How old are you? Have you had the opportunity to "play the field," so to speak?
Probably just pre-wedding jitters! I know that's what everyone is saying, or what you're saying to yourself, but given the time, it's probably true! You've been close with him forever, you're getting ready to go through a life-changing event, giving up the single life, you had one crazy night with him, that probably confused things, and now this. Seems natural, but you gotta remember...all these years and nothing until now...and your fiance is amazing and loves you and OBVIOUSLY will do anything and everything to make you happy.
Oh my. You are in one tough situation. I agree with other pp's, it's the feeling of doing something naughty that you're into. Just remember those 8 great years...
Only opinion, but this post sounds fishy to me???
What do you mean by fishy?
i think that you and your husband need to tell the friend to find another place to live. this could just cause too much turmoil in your relationships.
Tell your fiancé everything so that you can develop a plan together. Keeping your heart a secret from him is only fueling these unsavory desires.
This is probably why having the threesome in the first place was not a great idea. BUT, hindsight is 20/20 and you can't do anything about it now, and the last thing you need is to be told I told you so.
That being said, you really do need to distance yourself from K, at least for now. Get him out of the house ASAP and take a break from communicating with him until you figure out how you feel. I know he's both your friend, but you need to figure out what is more important to you, your marriage to S or your friendship with K. I am sorry, but I think at this point it's impossible to keep both. I would definitely not want him to be the best friend at my wedding, but that's just me.
Also, please please PLEASE talk to your FI about this! It's not fair to him for you to have possible feelings for his best friend and keep him in the dark about it. I understand that after 8 years, there is a certain thrill of the unkown (I have been with my FI for 9), but if you truly love him, there can't be any secrets between you. Only by talking about it with him will you truly be able to heal and get past this. It will also help him understand why you can't live with K anymore.
Those were my 2 cents. Good luck!
A lot of posters are making a pretty harsh assumption that OPs feelings for K are entirely lust.
OP: You may be romantically inclined towards K. In that case you have more or less two options. K needs to move out, or you need to move out. Trying to go on loving two people is a bad can of worms (don't do it!). I'm not talking about lust at this point. If you don't remove K and continue the flirtly romance (one sided or not), you need to tell S out of courtesy, love, and respect that there is another person. I would not try to date K in any situation.
Here's how I view cheating: Having feelings for another person isn't cheating. Being sexually attracted to another person isn't cheating. However, continually encouraging romantic feelings for another person by putting yourself in situations that are doomed to fail (aka, living with the man), that I consider cheating. I would be more hurt if I found out my SO did that than if I found out he went to a strip club and got nudey bits pushed against his face all night.
Again, I really think the threesome had nothing to do with it... attractions to close male friends is pretty common...
If the threesome had never happened, the situation would likely be the same...
@mrs-hues-to-be: I agree.
Just because you are friends with this guy and you have feelings for him, doesnt mean you need to stop being friends. It just means you REALLY need to look at the relationship with your man.
Sometimes sex clouds judgment. And if your fiance is the only man you've slept with for 8 years its not surprising that you're developing these "feelings" for him. Sometimes when we're god friends with people and we go the extra step and become more, we begin to feel connected to them in a different way. This doesnt mean that you dont love your fiance, but I do believe the feeling you have for other guy are more lust worthy than anything. And sometimes, lusting can cloud judgment and make you feel something that isnt truly there.
From the way it sounds, I dont think you want to live without either of these guys-- and you shouldnt have to. Your friend is your friend and your fiance is your fiance. But because he is the best man, a great friend, and living with you currently, you need to figure things out or all of the relationships could suffer.
I can completely understand not wanting to mention any of these feelings to either men, but you should think about telling your fiance so he is aware OR telling your friend so he knows the situation. Him saying it isnt mutual could break your feelings immediately, but it may strain the relationship. And if you tell him and you guys keep it from your fiance, that may jeopardize their relationship as well as yours and your fiances because this is a BIG secret to keep from him. It could rasise trust issues in the future.
I think in the least you should consider having the guy move out. Tell your fiance (in confidence) that since the wedding is coming up (idk how far away it is) that you feel like you guys need your own space to prepare for marriage alone. If the guy moves out and the feelings dont suspide at all, then the issue needs to be re-addressed from a different angle.. i think.
Good luck with whatever you decide, as this is a tough situation.
I was actually thinking the same thing. This guy is a good friend and you have known each other for a long time. I agree that you are just feeling these emotions because of the sexual encounter that you had.
I will also agree with the PP that you need to get him out of the house. Because I don't think that these feelings are just going to magically go away. But I fully believe that if it was just your and your FI living together then you wouldn't have the same feelings
First of all, all 3 of you asked for this by having a sexual relationship with each other, so don't blame yourself too much your FI did take part in a very risky encounter with his FI and BEST MAN. And roomates afterwards? Honestly I am not being judgy to each thier own but this was a stupid move on everyone's part, period.
K needs to move out immediately, and tell your FI that him being there confuses you and although you were comfortable at first you no longer are. Once he moves out, let some time pass keeping a relationship with him I guess and see what happens to your feelings, it could be lust, it could be real feelings, but it could be red flags for your current relationship so that needs to sort itself out in time. LOTS of time so do not have this wedding any time soon.
I think it's most likely that K wants to relive the experience, why wouldn't he? But again only time will tell WHILE YOU AREN'T LIVING WITH HIM.
@zoecn: what do you mean by fishy?
@Siouangal3: thanks, it is really hard for me to let K go, we've been friends since I was ten. i love them both so much and thats whats making this all so hard.
i've spent so much time thinking about what in gods name i'm going to do. i have found no reslove.. i realize i need to get k out, but i don't know how to go about it without hurting everyone. I dont want to destroy K and S's friendship when it's me whose having these messed up feelings. Even though they were just as responsible for the mess we're in, i'm the one whose feelings are getting in the way
Of course you have feelings for the guy. Not only are you good friends, showing that you think he's a decent guy, you had sex with him, and you live with him, reminding yourself every day about what a great guy and great lay his is.
Get him out of your house. Tell your fiance at least part of the truth - having him there all the time reminds you of your threesome and it's a little uncomfortable. You want to focus on your relationship with him and don't want to have any distractions (or other threesomes with his best friend, ever!).
You say you put your FI before the other guy. You don't want to lose either but it seems like you need to let K go if you want to marry your FI and have a loving, trusting relationship without temptation right under your nose. You clearly crossed the boundaries of friendship with K and now you need to pay the price in order to save your relationship with your FI.
I also agree with the PP...get him our of your house now! Who thought that was a good idea anyway?
@zoecn: this doesn't really sound fishy to me at all- this is exactly why bees go undercover and the circumstances really are not that far out there.
@spillingfinally: I think you're just confused by the new sexual component of your relationship with K and his proximity. K needs to find somewhere else to live, or you and S do, because it is just blurring the lines so much- No one can really blame you for feeling this way because we are programmed to think about the other sex in a sexual way. We can turn that off with our brains and be in a platonic relationship, but you manually flipped that switch back on when you had your threesome. Now he's always around and you were always really close to him- it's like he's a second mate according to how your body would perceive it, even though you don't want to think of him that way.
Is your relationship with your FI suffering? Do you feel less in love with him? If so, you may have a problem, but if not, having K move out should fix this.
@MeiFrancis: I don't feel any less in love with my FI. He is honestly such a great guy. I don't think he feels any changes in our relationship and other than things going on in my own head nothing has changed.
@OctBride-2012: It isn't as simple as that. My FI also has a very close relationship to K and i'm not in a postition to fracture that because of my own feelings. When he moved in i had no feelings had surfaced yet, so we both agreed to have him live with us. I don't like the judgement i feel coming from you, K and S were equally responsible in having the threesome, and i don't think judging my sexual choices is fair. i did not see these feelings coming, i was friends with K for over a decade before i felt anything like this.
In the polyamory community this is called shiny new toy syndrome. The infatuation phase will pass, ignore it.
For what it's worth, whatever you decide, I have known two different people who engaged in group sex...both of their marriages ended within a year. Even if you somehow put all this behind you, I really don't see this marriage working out in the long run.
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