Engaged and falling in love with someone else.. Long.

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

Ignore your warm fuzzy feelings for K, get him out of your home PRONTO and remind yourself that since you’ve had so much time to decide weather or not you wanted to be with him and didn’t, that it’s probably the allure of what’s forbidden rather than him….

Member
12 posts
Newbee

@spillingfinally:  From a mans point of view, when you did the threesome, it opens the door wide open for it to happen again. I bet K wouldnt say no if the opportunity arises again but im sure S will have other ideas. Remain friends cause if you play with fire you will get burnt and you could be the one to lose them both.

The best solution is to ask S that when you get married that you need a home for just the 2 of you.

Ask yourself a simple question - Can i live my life without S?, If it is a yes then dont marry him. If no then do.

best of luck to you.

Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Nona99:  Another vote for this.  You are just asking to destroy your relationship by living with this guy!  The thrill of the “naughty” can be quite alluring and it can make you forget how much you actually love the normal, perfect guy in your life.  Kick K out, give it a few months, and then if you’re still hung up on him, have a serious talk with your fiance…

This is a shitty situation and I wish you luck in handling it!

Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee

@Nona99:  +1.

 

You guys need to get him out of there. Especially after what happened. Also – I think you should talk to your FI about this. I understand your hesitation, so I wouldn’t say necessarily that you should bring up your feelings, but I would at least explain that it is making you uncomfortable and that things feel kinda off. Who knows, maybe he thinks so too and hasn’t said anything? That could at least get the ball rolling in the right direction.

Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee

I believe the universe brings people into our lives for a reason. If not as a blessing, then as a lesson. Tread carefully, but listen to what your gut, mind and heart are telling you.

Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

This is why sexual encounters involving other people outside the relationship tend to get messy.

Sex is extremely complex and emotional (the oxytocin- the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding- released during orgasm is evidence of that) and it’s pretty much impossible to have sex with someone and expect *not* to have feelings later. -I’ll qualify this by saying that a lot of Bees probably disagree with me, and I respect that, but that’s my take on it.

If you want to save your relationship with your FI, you need to tell him about your feelings, and you probably also unfortunately need to end the friendship with K.

That’s probably the last thing you want to do, seeing as you’re all so close to K as a friend, but unfortunately once those feelings are there, you can’t just ‘take them back’ and act like they never existed.

And you FOR SURE need to get him out of your house.

Member
12 posts
Newbee

@spillingfinally:  It’s called Lust. We all like the thrill and since you have been in a relationship for 8 years i bet you still like the fact that another guy likes you. Its natural to feel wanted but you have to keep K at arms lenght until these feelings go away. Men can sense when a girl is vunerable and can be taken advantage of. Damn ive had brief naughty thoughts about other women but as soon as i think about how much i love my woman they soon go away. Its not worth risking 8 years for lust for true love.

Member
9367 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

There are many issues involved in your situation.  You are engaged to marry one man, while you believe you are developing strong feelings for another. To compound this matter, you are sharing a residence with both men, one in a romantic relationship, the other in a friendship/tenant capacity. Finally, both you and your FI have a close emotional relationship with the “other man.” (Because my personal beliefs differ strongly from yours with respect to the shared physical relationship that developed, I will refrain from addressing that issue in this comment.)

One thing that is important to note is that you and your FI, though together for eight years and currently engaged, are not married.  Because of this, even though you both apparently have long believed you were in a committed relationship, no marrige vows have been exchanged — at least not legally, and, technically, you both are free to change your minds and pursue a relationship with someone else, the pain of a potential breaking of an engagement notwithstanding.

Although you cannot control how either man will respond to this situation, only you can choose what direction you personally want to take. 

If you do not want to, or cannot, permanently set aside and overcome your feelings for K (and, to do this, I don’t think there is any way K can remain in your home or in the roles he has been playing in either of your lives) and focus entirely on your pending marriage to S, I believe you cannot continue to move foward with your wedding plans.  Even if things ultimately do not work out with K, it would be unfair of you to allow S to assume that all is well in your relationship when clearly it is not.

Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I don’t think anyone addressed your relationship with K. Sometimes I think women without a lot of male friends have a hard time understading the friendship between a guy and a girl who aren’t in a relationship. My best friend is male so I think I can better understand your hesitation to end your friendship with him. This is such an awful situation, and I hope you can find some solution without too many hearts being broken. Remember how temporary the feeling of lust can be, and how deep rooted your love with your husband to be is. Don’t hate yourself for feeling things that are out of your control, it’s not your fault.

Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

Eek. This is hard. You need to make the decision; stay with FI or not… If you decide you can’t live without FI then find a way to kick out K and not hang out with him as much.

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