Engaged and feeling out staged.. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Syoung1011:  More than her stealing your thunder, I’d be worried for her to make a HUGE MISTAKE just because she wants to get married first.

I’d have a serious talk with her. I’d try to listen how she feels. She might feel pressured and jealous (not defending her actions but she might actually have to deal with some reasonable emotions here). 

An engagement and wedding is not about spotlight. Is about marrying someone you love.

If you love your sister, help her! Listen to her, talk to her and even if she tries to marry 4 months before you well… be there for her!

Someone has got to be the biggest person here. It’s ok to be a little hurt, you are human, you want your wedding to be special, thats totally normal and OK!

BUT another thing is to let this pain get to you and make you feel like crap.

I say go sit with her, LISTEN her first. Ask her how she feels, then you talk too, open your heart too! 

Best of luck!

Post # 4
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@AnaA:  I agree!!! @Syoung1011 don’t worry about your sister trying to get your spotlight, I think you need to be concerened with her need to get married first and rushing into things…..I know poeple that courted and got married in less then a year…but honestly, your sisters motives to get married is more about being “fair” then what’s real

Post # 5
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

As odd as this sounds, I’m not seeing much of a problem.

It makes sense for you to be hurt, but I don’t think you should approach her about this, at least not yet. She’s being a little silly about this. I think this will likely either work out and be no problem, or it will go badly for her in some way and the issue will take care of itself. I’m not saying it should blow up in her face, just that the rush to beat you to the alter could go badly if she doesn’t think about what she’s doing. Just let things pan out. 

My advice is to not involve her much in the planning if she’s making it clear that she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t want to talk about your wedding or the planning of it, don’t talk to her about. Not to be mean or vindictive or anything like that; simply because people who don’t want to be involved don’t need to be involved. 

Let her do what she wants to do. It’ll either work out fine or it won’t. These are her decisions to make. 

Post # 7
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Syoung1011:  She’s a big girl. You told her what you thought, you warned her, and she didn’t listen. It’s all on her now. 

It hurts to watch people you love go through things like this or put themselves in these situations, but you’ve already done what you could.

Post # 8
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Syoung1011:  I’d talk to her one last time in a very straight forward way, something like this:

“Sister, I love you. I want you to be happy, with all my heart. I’ve noticed you sometimes rush because you are exited or happy, and I don’t want this to be like that. This is the most important decision in your life! I want you to make it for the right reasons. You and only you know your heart. If you are certain, 100%, that you are doing this out of love for this guy and commitment, then go for it. But if there is something, the slightest thing, of pressure or wrong motive, please reconsider. Sister, I’ll be with you whatever you choose, I just want what’s best for you.”

And then you back off, and support her with a smile. If she needs a shoulder to cry on later (God forbid), she’ll know you’ll be there. Not to say “I told you so” but to say “I love you”.

Post # 10
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Syoung1011:  Look on the bright side: she’s saying 4 months, not 4 weeks. I think 4 months is a big enough gap and wouldn’t steal the spotlight at all.  (A while ago there was a bee whose older sister scheduled her wedding the day before just so she could be first!)

Even though I think we all agree it’s not in her interests to rush to beat you to the altar, I don’t think you should say anything. Even if it’s well intentioned, it can be taken the wrong way. Leave it to others to advise her to go slow.

Post # 12
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Syoung1011:  I doubt she’ll rain on your parade as much as you’re thinking she will. Like Paula1248 said, your sister is saying four months before yours, not weeks or days. Four months is plenty when it comes to buffer zones between weddings. 

Try not to worry or jump to conclusions. Just focus on you, your fiancée, and your wedding plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if this situation resolved itself.

Post # 13
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Syoung1011:  I get your concern. But as long as you are doing honestly, who cares about what other people think!

Post # 14
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

@Syoung1011:  However, am I wrong for being a little bit (or a lotta bit) hurt and betrayed by her actions?

Yes. 100% wrong. She’s done nothing to betray you. You know, as well as everyone else here, that you don’t get to claim a time period, and that other’s lives move at a different pace. Someone getting engaged after you and married before you is not betrayal. She has no obligation to wait, though depending on travel arrangements for shared guest, it might mean that guests have to chose between weddings.

However, I do not think you’re wrong at ALL for being concerned about her moving so quickly, and her reason given is very concerning too. You should get married on your own timeline, not rush it because you think it has to be done. But, if she thinks this is right for her, all you can do is support her now, and be there for her down the road if things go poorly. I’m in a similiar situation with my cousin. The family feels she really rushed in to marriage, but we knew there wasn’t anything we could really say to her without coming off as nasty (no matter what we said) so we just supported her, and will hope for the best but be prepared to be there for her in case of the worst.

Post # 15
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Syoung1011:  If she is just looking for any guy to “plug into” her pre-planned fantasy wedding/life, wish her luck. Fine, she gets engaged, everyone thinks “that is nuts,” she gets married before you…and then you get married and have an actual marriage. Don’t stoop to her level. This is why I wish they didn’t indoctrinate young women with wedding crap. It’s sad she thinks she needs to be “first.” 

Post # 16
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Syoung1011:  the only thing that seems alarming in your post is that from your side of the story, it does kind of seem like she’s rushing things along with her new SO so she can get married before you.  I believe in love at first sight and having been witness to grandparents who met, dated and married in 6 months and shared a love for one another we would all be lucky to have.  So I do believe two people can just know when it’s right, but if it’s just for the sake of being the oldest and marrying first, that just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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