Engaged and having doubts

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@rosetea:  Honey, if you’re having doubts and aren’t even sure if you’re in love you should not be engaged. Though you may have love for this man as a person that is entirely different from being in love and sharing the rest of your lives together. You have to tell him ASAP and I recommend taking a break from the relationship altogether. Forcing yourself to move along just to avoid hurt or conflict will not make you or he happy in the end.

Post # 4
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rosetea:  Hi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this…

I think if you have doubts you need to call it off, it’s not fair on him to feel that you’re commited when in your heart your not, especially if getting along well with another man makes  you doubt your relationship. 

I dont think it’s fair for either of you to enter a marriage with someone you’re not sure if you’re in love with. 

Does he know you feel this way?/ have you spoken to any friends about it?

Post # 5
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds like you’re growing up and apart maybe at the same time? People change, especially from ages 14 to early 20s. I think you should talk to your FI and tell him about your confusion. If you’re already not sure and told him yes just to save him from humiliation then you aren’t ready for marriage. It may be time to move on.  It’s totally possible to love someone and still know in your heart that you aren’t meant to be together forever. Right now it sounds like you’re holding on because its easy to stay rather than face a break up even if you’re not happy. Good luck with whatever you decide. 

Post # 6
Member
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Might be time to take a step back and have some space to work out what you really want.

Post # 7
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House

@jadlnc:  I agree.

I was with my first boyfriend for 4 years, from the time I was 16 to 20. We hit a point where it was either we accept that we are going to be married someday, or we break it off. We had similar feelings where we wanted to make sure it was the right fit, and I moved on quickly. He tried, but didn’t, even though he was the one that initiated the break.

Be careful, because if you can see yourself with this person forever, you may just be having normal feelings. However, you may be not ready to commit, and that’s ok. It is better to realize that now, and move on, especially if you have the support of your family. You aren’t tormenting him – that’s another thing. You’re doing what is right for YOU, and in the long run for him too.

I hope that you sort this out for yourself, and that you don’t feel trapped. You are young, and deserve to be happy!!

Post # 8
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

@rosetea:  I’m by no means a relationship expert but I definitely think you should talk to him about your doubts and hold off the engagement for a little while. It sounds a bit like you’re not in love with him anymore but because he’s your first love you’re still very attached. 

This might not be right but it’s a possibility you should consider because if you’re having doubts now, it’s not a very good sign of a marriage to come.

I’m sure it sucks to feel this way especially as you don’t want to hurt him but if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life together, it’s best to tell him now.

Maybe take a break and think about how you feel when you’re not with him; if you feel more relief than anything else, there’s your answer.

Post # 9
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@rosetea:  20 is young to be engaged, and 14 is very young to find someone to spend the reat of your life with. I’m 23, and was 22 when I first got engaged, and even now sometimes when I meet a nice, cute guy a part of me wonders what if? But my fiancé is everything I need and a million things that make me incredibly happy, and our history together is a beautiful thing.

Is there anything specific that bothers you about your relationship? 

Post # 12
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’ve grown apart, simple as that. You were a child when you met him. Now you’re not. It would be strange if your relationship stayed the same.

You’ll find someone who is compatible with who you are now. You’re still very young! Enjoy being single for awhile!

Post # 13
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@rosetea:  Just because he is a Good Man doesnt mean he is the Right Man for you. Sounds like you logically cant see any reason why you should break up, so you stay. But emotionally, even though it is scary and doesnt make sense, you know you have to go. I think of this from Dear Sugar…

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

 

 

There was nothing wrong with my ex-husband. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him a month after I turned 19 and I married him on a rash and romantic impulse a month before I turned 20. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him too, though not absolutely. He was my best friend; my sweet lover; my guitar-strumming, political rabble-rousing, road-tripping side-kick; the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music and literature collection; and daddy to our two darling cats.

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

 

Post # 14
cherrypieBee
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I’m sure he’s wonderful, but that doesn’t mean you belong together. You’re probably VERY different people now than when you met, and it’s beautiful that you grew together. It’s unusual for relationships that start at such a young age to last so long for this reason. It’s worth having a look at what you need, personally, and taking a step back. It’s a difficult choice to make, and I commend you for your introspection.

Post # 16
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@rosetea:  You will find someone else who will love you as much. Do not stay with him out of fear of the unknown. If you love him, the kindest thing you can do is to release him to find someone that that completely love and adore him with every fiber of her being. Isnt that what you want for him? Dont be selfish and stay with him because you think this is the best you’ll ever have. (BTW–my personal opinion is that the leading cause of divorce is one person gettting married because they think/feel this the best they will ever get (settling) then meeting someone that is everything they’ve ever wanted/needed) Dont do this to him.

I will be hard and painful, but do it now, because it will never get easier.

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