Post # 1
I am recently engaged and I cannot even think about the wedding without feeling my anxiety go through the roof. My FI and I have been talking finances nonstop for the past few days. In addition to planning a wedding, we are also trying to buy a house (we are both first time home buyers). He makes considerably more money than I do. He has basically told me that I cannot keep my current job, that I have to make more money. He wants me to completely change careers as money is our bottomline, according to him. I had no idea getting enagaged/married would mean he would be inserting himself into my career choices in such an aggressive way. I realize I am currently underemployed but the field I am in has been really difficult to get into. Even though I know I don’t make a lot of money, I do really enjoy my job and I find it very rewarding. I cannot imagine giving up my job to do something I have no interest in at all, just to have more money. It makes me cry. Literally every conversation we have ends with me in tears and then he accuses me of being immature for crying. He says I need to be an adult and talk about these types of things. I understand that we do need to talk about finances, but all day every day is really wearing me down. I feel completely overwhelmed planning the wedding and trying to figure out a different career all at once. I keep hoping this feeling will pass but I have literally spent hours crying the past few days. I’m starting to wonder if this is normal to feel this way.
Post # 3
@dontstopbeelievin: red flag. He should want you to do what makes you happy and not try to FORCE you to change careers. This is really alarming to me
Post # 4
Whoa, no. He can’t and shouldn’t force his “money is everything” ideals down your throat. If it’s your job and you like what you do and don’t want to change it, then don’t.
Where I work (I’m a college student though), I make a little bit over min. wage, and I could get a bank job easily, but I choose not to because we don’t really need the extra money at the moment, and I love where I work. It’s a place that even when I establish my future career I will still work there one evening a week.
Your FH is displaying some red-flag behaviour, as said by the PP.
Post # 5
Mm… unless you have 9 children to take care of, your FI should NOT be pressuring you to give you what you love to make more money. You need to get through to him. He probably wants you to be happy, he just has to understand that for you, staying in your field will make you happier than making more money.
And it is not productive to call you immature for crying. Your FI should be supportive and loving. He needs to accept you as you are, not as who you could maybe be if you got another job.
This doesn’t excuse him, but he may just feel like he’s contributing way more to the relationship than you are. Maybe you can do something to further your career in your field? It’s not necessarily about money, but you say you’re underemployed. I think both people in a couple should pull more or less equal weight. If you both work the same amount, then you’re fine. But if he works significantly more than you (regardless of the salary difference), you can do other things for your home/family.
Just try to have a calm, serious discussion with him, without turning it into a fight. You guys need to get on the same page.
Post # 6
@Ninteenthchance: +1,000,000,000,000! If he acts this way over a mortgage payment, how is he going to react when you have other disagreements? This is a problem…
Post # 7
There is a HUGE difference between two adults having a conversation and being told what to do. You also have a right to your feelings. There is something terribly wrong if every conversation you have with him ends in tears! If he wants you to stop being immature then tell him to stop acting like a Daddy telling his kid what to do.
Post # 8
@dontstopbeelievin: This is ridiculous. And all to pay for one silly party?
I would put your foot down regarding the job change, and tell him you want to elope/have something VERY small because this is just stupid.
I don’t know your situation so I’m not going to tell you to run for the hills, but this doesn’t sound good. Does he even know what he’s saying? Is he just super stressed and not thinking rationally?
Post # 9
I think there are significant issues here as well.
First, he’s trying to get you to quit a job that you enjoy? Nonsense. He dated you while you worked this job, correct? He fell in love with you, decided to marry you, and proposed to you, all while you had this job? Why now all of a sudden does he want you to quit? That is crazy. To me, it seems like it is more than his wanting you to make more money. I think that is part of it, but it also seems to me that he wants control over things that you previously had control over (your job). Also, he tells you that you need to be an adult and talk about things like finances, but then he’s trying to control you by forcing you to quit your job. That doesn’t give you an opportunity to “be an adult” as he puts it.
Then when you become upset and cry, he tells you that you’re being immature? Has he always been like this? Has he ever been like this before? You have a good reason to be upset– he’s trying to make decisions that he has no business taking such an active role in.
THEN he’s badgering you for days on end about finances? And you are just recently engaged? Whew! I’d put wedding plans on hold for a good while. Put that aside and give yourselves time to figure out more important issues, such as his trying to force you to quit your job. Where does your happiness come into play here? If my husband told me I couldn’t do what I enjoyed, for whatever reason, we would have a HUGE problem.
Also, if this is coming up all of a sudden after engagement, what is he going to be like once you’re married? And since he makes considerably more than you do, is he going to hold that over your head if you don’t quit your job for something more lucrative?
Post # 10
@dontstopbeelievin: No, it’s not normal. He should support you in what you want to do! It’s not like you are sitting around on your tush doing nothing with yourself. Sounds like a red flag to me. I think you should talk to him. If he’s not willing to work WITH you rather than AT you he needs a reality check.
Post # 12
I couldn’t handle being in that relationship.
I know that because I was in a relationship like that, and couldn’t get out of it fast enough. It was right before I started dating my FH. The dude told me that I needed to get a better job if I ever wanted to get married/have kids. I told him that I wanted to be a SAHM and he said that that could never happen. He made ~$100,000+/yr.
The bottom line is that he and I had WAY different priorities, financially. AND he had no problem criticizing/belittling me, my productivity, my choices, etc.
Sounds like you and your FI do too. If you can’t come to a peaceful and happy agreement about how you want your financial future to loook, I’d very very seriously consider ending the engagement.
When I started dating my FH and we talked about finances/lifestyle it was SO AMAZING to find out that we were on the same page. I guarantee there is someone out there who you are more effortlessly compatible with. Might want to consider….!
Post # 13
Thank you all for the comments and advice. My FI and I talked more tonight about this. I truly think he has good intentions, but just puts things in a bad way sometimes. He clarified that he wants us to be able to live a comfortable life, he doesn’t want me to just up and quit but, at the same time, he feels like I am worth more than they pay me and I should have a job where I make what I deserve. I agree with that but in this economy, I can’t just up and leave, especially when I have relatively good job security where I am at now. I don’t know…one thing I told him too is that between planning a wedding and buying a house, I feel like a career change would just be so much more stress to an already stressful time. We’re trying to make our budget work within the constraints of our current situation.
Post # 14
Although we would all like to make more money, there is something to be said for enjoying what you do (and job security/ other job perks that are not financial compensation). If you decide to change your job/ career, make sure it’s because YOU want to and not because you were pressured into it.
If you realize that you don’t want to change careers, you don’t have to. Figure out what you want and what would make you happiest professionally speakiing, and if that doesn’t perfectly align with what your FI wants, stand your ground. Figure out a win/win situation because you don’t want to do something that will create resentments later.
Post # 15
@dontstopbeelievin: he would rather more money than a healthy and happy partner? I would put a wedding on hold and focus on one goal at a time.