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If you're feeling this upset and worried, then something isn't right. I think you need to dig down deep and try to picture yourself with him ten years down the road. Or if want you really want is to be married and start a family. If you can see yourself with him, then I think you need to sit down and talk to him about all of this. Just like you did in this post. If something is bothering you, it's not going to go away until you confront it. I know this is hard, I've had to deal with this myself in the past. I hope things work out well for you. sending you hive hugs!
Follow your instincts... good luck!
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I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I'm having a hard time understanding how this is love. He sounds like he treats you rather poorly...and you deserve better. Wanting privacy and occasionally teasing each other is one thing. Outright lying and poking fun at you when you are upset is just not okay. I guess to me it sounds like he does not show you respect at a very deep level.
I guess my advice would be to run, not walk from this. And then to try to understand why you love someone who treats you so poorly. but that's a biased view based on a negative post. I don't want to pathologize your emotions, but something strikes me as very wrong here.
I'm sorry if the above sounded harsh. If my read is inaccruate, please correct me. But either way, I'm sending you a big ((Hug)).
Aww, I'm sorry you feel this way. I hate to say it - and this is just my opinion - but I had a cousin tell me not that long ago that when she got married "it was over before the wedding", she said she "never should have gone through with it." She stayed with her husband long enough to have 2 children, and is now divorced and a single mother. If you are having these feelings now, of unhappiness I really don't think it's wise to commit to a marriage at this time. If you truely think he's the one - maybe postpone until your heart is 100% with you. But please do not marry this man in fear of never finding love again. It will come to you... maybe not tomorrow... but you WILL feel love again. I think you just really need to do some soul searching and decide if you are going to be happy with him 10, 20, 30 years down the road, or if you will just be "stuck" in this unhappy marriage. *big hugs*
You two NEED to have a serious chat because both of you are lying/miscommunicating. We all want to protect the feelings of the ones we love (which sounds like both of your's intention), but not addressing this ASAP would be a mistake. The last thing you would want to do is not address this and have things reach the tipping point once you're married. Good luck!
Repeated lying is a big issue. I would be even more worried about the little lies day-to-day than the fact that he was cheating 2 years ago. It's different to lie once and call it a mistake and work through it and that's that. Chronic lying is worrisome, though.
Also, there are other issues at play here, like not connecting in bed and him not being supportive and understanding of your emotions. Even though the man we end up with usually isn't exactly how we might have pictured, he still needs to be meeting our needs.
It's a tough call to make and I'm sure that you do love him, but you don't sound happy with where things are going. I'd say he either needs to know and you guys should work towards some positive change together or maybe you guys should take a break. I'm no relationship counselor, but I hate to hear you sounding so sad.
Big Miss Star hugs are coming your way. Good luck, lady.
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OMG! This post is driving me crazy! NOOO you obviously DONT need to have a conversation with him... he will just lie to you. RUN... you are settling if you stay with him and it obviously wont work because one day you will wake up !! You need to let go and find true love. Yes, its hard but ITS NOT LOVE!!! RUN!!!
You deserve better! You will find true love, better love and someone who will cherish you--not lie and be unaware of your true feelings! Good luck, hugs!
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Ugh! I have a cousin like that....little white lies all the time. He got married 10 years ago and those of us that are close to him were like yikes. For instance, she didn't know that he bought her e-ring at a pawn shop.....just like she didn't know that he didn't actually buy his car...his dad (my uncle) bought it for him.
Fast forward 9 years....she finally caught on that he's all about the little white lies....they divorced last summer.
Honesty is one of those things that (to me & I'm sure most other women) is a given in a relationship. I trust my man to the core and he feels the same about me.
If you don't have trust and have to constantly wonder or question your relationship, no matter how much you love your partner, it's NOT worth it.
When you find the right person that loves and respects you, trust is there without question.
I can't believe no one's making a big deal out of the fact that he cheated on you for SIX MONTHS at the beginning of your relationship - that's not a "one-time lie", that's a chronic condition! You ask whether you should stop worrying if his little lies turn into bigger lies... how much bigger of a lie are you waiting for?
Seriously. I know it can be really hard to see how disfunctional a relationship is when you're on the inside, but this sounds like a situation you need to get out of, fast. I don't think the worrying about his behavior is a sign of depression - I think it's a sign that you still have a good head on your shoulders. You *should* be concerned! It might, however, be a sign of depression that you've stayed in this relationship for this long. Get out while you have a chance.
my heart goes out to you! I have two questions for you... Have you ever been in love before? and if so, was it similar to how you feel about your current love? And my second question is what keeps you with him, other than fear of not finding anyone else? In other words, what about him makes you love him?
He cheated on you for six months, he lies about his porn habits, he makes you miserable, he's not sweet or funny, he makes fun of you, he doesn't notice your lack of connection in bed, and you're unhappy in a time that makes most of us blissful. Don't you think you deserve better than that? I do!
Please don't let your fear of not finding anyone else keep you stuck in a relationship that's not fulfilling you. That's crazy! This is your LIFE we're talking about, and marriage is a HUGE deal. Do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life? What is he going to be like with your children? It sounds like you don't respect or even like him very much. My heart definitely goes out to you. I hope you realize that a life partner is not a decision that you should settle for.
Oh, and please stop faking it in bed. That's lying to him, and not doing either of you any favors. Just stop lying to him, and instead, show him how to really make things work for you.
Go with your gut. If your not happy, then you need to step away from the situation. Until you are both completely honest with each other (and honest with yourselves), neither of you are going to be happy. My advice to you is end the relationship and get some counseling for yourself.
Sorry to be so blunt.
If you are not happy then you know something isnt how its suppose to be. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Communication is key and maybe, if you feel he is the love of your like, counselling might be an option.
The cheating factor would be a big no no for me... but everyone is different.
I wont tell you what to do, but if you arent happy anymore, and have become simply comfortable with your partner, then maybe you should re-consider.
Best of luck to you and a big hug
To stay with anyone when you're not happy is just not good. Bottom line. Little white lies can sometimes be worse than big secrets. This will continue to eat away at you in the long run, and eventually, you will be depressed, if you aren't already.
Don't ever be afraid that you won't find love again. Baby fever and the feeling that you need to get married are just not good reasons to stick with something if you're not happy. No matter what your age or how long you've been with a man.
Take a step back, let him know you deserve honesty and an emotional connection. If he really wants to work it out, maybe you two could benefit from couples counseling. If he doesn't, you deserve better.
I think, and this may just be because i would do the same thing, you wrote this post because you knew what we would tell you becuase it's what you've been telling yourself but haven't been able to convince yourself of it. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy now, and it may not get any better. The ladies above have all given the same adivce I would have, so I hope you're able to dig deep and do what you know you need to do. Love will come again!
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Honey, there is no such thing as ONE man for anyone. Also, one does not NEED a man and marriage to be happy! Listen to the warning signs -- they are trying to tell you something. Take it from someone is has been married twice before, problems like you describe do not get better just because you get married! If you absolutely want to stay with this guy, INSIST on counseling. Life is precious and take it from me, you don't want to waste years of your life being miserable cos I have done that and it BITES!
For me, one of the most important aspects of any relationship is good communication. It doesn't sound like you have that. He's lying (maybe "white" lies, but it's still not the truth) while you are posting here instead of talking to him and faking it in bed. Think how that will affect the two of you down the road. Can you discuss problems and solve them together? If something's upsetting you, can you tell him?
You say he's not sweet or funny and makes fun of you when you're upset. I don't know him and don't know what mood you were in when that post was written, so I just don't know. You do, however. Take the time to think it through, talk about it with someone who knows you well, best would be him!
And remember, you can't change anyone, they've got to change themselves.
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Hi chipotle, I have been in a relationship like I think you are describing yours, so what it's worth, here's my take.
This guy I was dating was not a bad guy, but it was a bad relationship. He was very good looking and charismatic and we really clicked on a certain level--but he'd practically ignore me when we were out with friends, then brush it off when I was upset. He'd completely discount my emotions except to berate them. We'd always do only what he wanted to do, or he'd act like a child and pout about it. He was straight up mean some of the time. Plus lots more... Probably 75% of the time, I was miserable. But then there was that other 25% of the time. When he was in a good mood and was being nice to me, it was like we were the only two people in the world. Everything was so great--and that much better because the rest of the time was so bad. At the time, I probably would have said I'd marry him eventually.
But now, looking back on it--oh my. I can't believe I put up with all that. I definitely had blinders on--I think I was, in a way, addicted to the drama that the relationship had. It was a bit of a high never knowing what the day held, and just maybe having it be a good one. (Note: this guy was not abusive or anything--we're still friends now. Just us, in a relationship, was BAD.) It's like the girls who only like the "bad boys"--I was one of those.
And now I'm in a relationship with someone who is everything that guy wasn't. He's supportive and sensitive to what I need and unconditionally loving. He's never in our relationship berated me like the other guy would. He always puts our relationship first, and it's made me a better person being with him. But I have to admit, when we first started dating I was a little bored! He was just too nice. No drama, no meanness for me to cry over and then have him make up for--but I got over that quick. It is amazing to have someone really love you and treat you well.
You deserve this. None of us can tell you what to do about your relationship, but if you feel anything like I felt in this old relationship (and on top of it, cheating on you! And more!) I would advise you to think seriously about if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Marriage is not only about being in love--it's about finding someone who you can and want to go through your whole life with, and who will be there for you through hard times, and who you want to be a good father to your children... It will be hard, really hard, to get out now, but it'll be way easier now than it will be later. (I have a friend who, at 26, has a baby and is on the verge of a divorce from someone she never should have married--seriously not good situation!)
I hope you'll do what is right for you, and if you do leave him, please know that you will definitely find someone else. There are so many great guys out there! Why settle for one that is not?? Good luck!
It sounds like your soul is telling you that you may be settling. It's common to have baby fever and wonder if you'll ever meet anyone else again, but sometimes it's better to set off on your own and find a partner that you are not compromising with.
Ultimately, if you are settling, you'll either be miserable in a long marriage or divorced-- possibly with kids.
It's up to you to decide if your dissatisfaction is just depression on your part or due to settling. I broke up with two people who proposed to me in the past (despite the fact that I was getting older) because I knew there had to be a better match for me. I was so right! But it took a lot of time, patience, and rejection of mental timelines.
Best of luck!
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I say go with your gut. We all don't get that one big love. I'm not a believer in "the one". I think there might be as many as three different men over the course of my life that could have been "the one" if the circumstances were different. I love my FI and we are very well matched. We met at the exact right time for both of us, we were done with the BS and ready for the real thing.
While I can't say for sure you'd ever find someone that makes you feel exactly the way your FI does, he is NOT your one and only shot at love! Good luck with whatever decision you come to.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've been where you are and I know how much it hurts, so big ((HUGS)) to you.
But I have to agree with fizicsGirl. I'm not sure this is love either. Your description of how you feel about your FI sounds very much like how I felt with my ex - it was an extremely unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship, which I couldn't see for the first four years of the relationship. It was only after we were married and things got worse did I really start to see how bad things really were. I'm not saying that you're int the exact same situation, but it sounds all too familiar. And I'm not saying that what you're experiencing is emotional abuse, but it is alarming. NO ONE should ever berate you or invalidate your feelings, or make fun of you when you are upset.
I also would be very concerned about the lying. Though they may seem like "small" lies - though I wouldn't agree that lying about looking at porn is a 'white lie' - it's the fact that it's chronic that's the issue. Chronic lying is a serious problem and not something to be overlooked or glossed over as not a big deal. Add to that the long-term cheating, which isn't a small lie, and there are some serious issues going on here.
I know you're hurting, but I think your intuition/gut/whatever you want to call it is trying to tell you something and I think you should listen to it; if I had listened to mine, I could've saved many people a lot of pain and heartache, most especially myself. If you're this concerned during the engagement, it will only get worse when you're married. Things like this don't go away once vows are said, and it's possible it could get worse with marriage. I can't tell you whether to stay or leave, but I would suggest you get some counseling to help you sort this out. Having a third party to talk to, who won't judge you and can see things more clearly than you can, can make all the difference in the world and help you to see things you are having a difficult time facing -- AND be there to SUPPORT you through it, not make fun. Please, please...find a trained professional to talk to before you take that big leap down the aisle. In the long run, you'll be better for it. Take the time now to figure out what's really going on before it becomes more complicated with marriage and involves children.
Don't stay with someone because you're afraid you won't find love again. Trust me, you will, and it will be healthy and supportive, and will help you become a better person. Ask yourself: "Do I like myself and who I am when I'm with this person? Does this person lift me up and help me acheive my best, or put me down? Am I truly happy?" If the answer is no, that doesn't bode well for a good and happy marriage. There is someone out there who can give all this and more to you. Please don't settle for less than what you deserve.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I have to say that I personally would have a huge problem with the lying. No, it's not a big deal to lie about plucking his eyebrows, but I wonder if the fact that he thinks it's okay to lie to you at all is indicative of a larger problem. As far as I'm concerned, lying shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship.
The one quote that stood out to me when I read your post was this: "But then again, he makes me miserable." I can't speak for anyone else, but as frustrated as hard as things have been from time to time with my husband over the years I've known him, he's never made me feel miserable. There has always been a fundamental love and respect in the way we've treated one another, no matter how hard our lives have gotten.
You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough not to make you feel this bad. You deserve to be with someone who will be honest with you and with whom you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings openly (I don't know about you, but I couldn't fake it for the rest of my life!) I know it's hard when you want to have a family and be in a relationship, but ultimately I think you're better off to decide if this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life. Personally, I'd rather break something off that wasn't right for me, than get married and either be unhappy or get divorced, especially after adding kids to the family.
Ultimately, only you can decide what's right for you, so we're here for you whatever you decide. All the best.
Chip, you've listed what you don't love about this man, but what is it that you DO love? Or are you just marrying him because you don't want to risk missing out on kids? I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself. No relationship is perfect, but yours sounds particularly distressed. Try to look at your relationship as an outsider would. If you were your best friend, what advice would you give you?
Oh (hugs).
I'm sorry you are struggling with this now. I think you have posted on here to get the push you need to do what you don't want to do, but know you have to....
You've listed so many things about him that will make you unhappy. And it's showing, before you are even married. Lying and cheating are big. Some of the other things like romantic, sweet, outgoing, understanding your feelings, are important for compatibility. Although I don't think it's necessary to throw out a relationship because the guy doesn't buy the girl flowers as often as she'd like, or she needs to coax him to a party because he's an introvert. But all of these things together spell bad news. But I think you knew that by listing all of these concerns, we couldn't possibly say that you should simply get over it and stay.
I can empathize that you have baby fever. My heart aches about that. But you can't have babies with a man you know deep down you're not meant to be with. Please find the man you want to spend your life with, then let the baby chips fall where they may. (I know, easier said than done...) But if you find yo have that much trouble having children, there's always adoption. I'm digressing now.
I'm thinking about ya. Good luck.
Forever is a long time. Giving that you have basically said that he doesnt make you happy, and he lies to you--what is your relationship based on then? Relationships are all about trust. If you have to check up on someone to make sure they are not lying to you, are you strong enought to spend your life that way?
If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? I only say this because sometimes we hit that time/age in our life where marriage is what we want. I went through that--and alot of what you are with my ex. And, yes, I was READY to get married and that is why I put up with so much! thank gosh i didnt marry him, even when he suggested we get married...yes, he suggested it plenty of times. As hard as it was to walk away, I have NEVER been happier and am getting married.
you need to think about what you want in a man, and DONT settle.
He needs counseling. Badly. Someone I'm very close to is a chronic liar... I mean, you ask him what he had for lunch, and he'll tell you ham when he had turkey. It's HARD to be close to someone like that. He's currently in counseling, and it is improving. Your FI has to want it to improve though, and until he's committed to getting better, I would recommend not permanently committing to him.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I know for me I can't stand lies of any measure... I must must MUST trust the person I am with in everything in order for me to feel like there is a secure future and vulnerability can be exchanged. I would speak to him about how you're feeling, and if you can both be open and honest about weaknesses on both sides; then there may be a chance. Going to a pre-marital class (we went to one at my church and it was very revealing and helpful) can really help as well as couples counseling. There are a few things that I believe relationships heading into marriage should always have- honesty and trustworthyness (if you can't trust a person's word what's left?) respect (for each other's feelings, likes, dislikes, bodies, etc- in public and private) that you will put each other first before any other human being and object, that you both share faith- I think many people understimate the power of a spiritual connection. There are many other things I think are necessary and helpful, but these are teh solid foundation in my opinion.
I'm not telling you to run the other way but I want you to realize what you REALLY want.
If you were sitting here writing this post, I think it's time you take a step back and think this through. Can you live with his white lies? Can you learn to trust him fully? What if you had children together - would it stop? Don't force yourself to stay in a relationship because you're afraid that you won't find another love. You haven't even given yourself a chance.
He may not be a bad guy and who feels sorry and regrets what he's done in the first couple of months in your relationship. I think it's a start that he confessed. But now - can you live with that? Maybe sit down and explain how you feel can open his eyes a little.
I wish you the best!
First and foremost, HUGE hugs to you, {{{{{chipotle99}}}}}
It is far better to be alone than to be so unhappy, together. The other posters on this thread have given you some excellent advice.
Love can come along when you least expect it. Don't let fear of being alone hold you back.
Good luck and let us know how it all goes!
The worst thing you can do is stay with someone out of fear.
There were a lot of shocking things in your original post (the lying, etc.) but the one that got me was "He makes me miserable". You should really, REALLY evaluate this statement and then make a move regarding your relationship.
No one should have to live with what you are going through. You aren't married yet. Take this as a heaven-sent gift.
Whatever you do, PLEASE do not get married because you have baby fever. It won't fix anything, and will only make it worse.
I am really sorry you are going through this 
You WILL meet someone else. Someone who doesn't lie to you, make fun of you or make you miserable. Then, marry that person and have lots & lots of babies with him!
I'm not going to rehash what the rest of the hive has told you. I think you know what you need to do, and I am hoping you have the strength to do it. It's much easier to make a clean break from an engagement than it is from a marriage.
You cited wanting a family and "baby fever" as reasons to stay in a relationship that was founded on a big lie (cheating is not a small lie, especially for 6 MONTHS!) and that clearly does not make you happy or meet your needs. PLEASE do not bring a child into this mess, it will not fix things. It will magnify them and probably cause more.
All the best to you.
Wow... I think I've met this guy before!!! He's not originally from Orlando, FL, is he...? lol, most likely not the same guy, I'm sure there are plenty like them. Anyways, he sounds JUST like my EX. Lying jackass... it amazed me the tiny tiny things he would lie about. Of course I didn't find this out until we were together for over 2 years and engaged. Lies are a sure sign of very little self confidence. Meaning that he probably has very little respect and love for himself. If he can't love and respect himself, you can't expect him to love and respect you. Its just not possible. As far as the cheating thing... in my opinion, once a cheater always a cheater. At least you know now before you're married. I think you need to run the other way... and FAST! Marraige is NOT a band aid... In your post you say you're afraid you'll never find love like this again... honey, honestly, it doesn't sound much like love to me. I think if you get out, you will eventually find what you're looking for! I know how it feels to want a family and a baby... but really, do you want to bring a child up around someone who makes you feel horrible and lies to you all the time? Think of what that will do to your child! You don't have to take my opinions... that's exactly what they are... mine. But I do think you should talk to a counselor WITH him before getting married. And you MUST be honest with the counselor... or they can't help you. Best of luck and keep us posted!
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Oh, honey, I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm wading into this very carefully, and I want to say that this is from my own experiences only so I'm only responding to your post and not to anyone else's. Fair?
I have been miserable and unhappy and frustrated and unsure more in this relationship (which is now a marriage) than I ever had before, and yet I remain convinced that this is where I need to be. So I don't think that any of those things are always evidence that you shouldn't get married or be married. I know what it's like to be told by well-meaning people that those things mean you should leave, and that you'll find someone better, and that you should follow your gut.
But what if it's your gut you're not sure about? My relationship instincts suck. Big time. It's not that I don't have them, but that they tell me to RUN RUN RUN when things get hard. Each of us has our own personal fairytales, and those can interfere with a realistic view of what a relationship and marriage should.
So there's no clear answer based on what you've said. Little lies are a problem, or rather, can be, because you lose sight of what's an okay lie and what's not, and then suddenly you're lying to cover up lies and everything spins out of control. The biggest risk, in my opinion, is to the liar, who can very quickly begin to see themselves as a liar, not as a person who lies. Once you hit that point, relationships fall apart because you can't live up to your own standards. Make sense? I speak from experience, and the only way I recovered from that was to not lie. Ever. Little or big. For more than two years, I did not tell a single lie. I didn't give myself an out, a way to avoid a confrontation I didn't want to have, a way to ensure that people liked me without holding on to my own standards. So little lies can definitely be a problem.
But so can not asking for what you need, not insisting on what you deserve, not letting of your fairytales or using them as a minimum standard. So my advice to you would be to make the changes yourself and then see what happens. When you want comfort, say, directly and clearly, "Honey, I need some comforting. Will you please let me lay on your lap and stroke my back while I tell you all about it?"
Stop faking it. Cold turkey. Really. Tell him you've noticed some changes in the way your body responds to desire (blame it on the weather or on hormones) and then just stop faking it. You might be faking it to get out having to really be there, and he might be going along because at least this way he has sex. Nobody wins. Go see a counselor together, because you both need help getting past a deception that happened a really long time ago. Ask yourself, before you try to catch him in a lie, what's the point? Are you hoping that he'll prove to you that he won't lie? That's unlikely to happen, since he has a history of lying to protect himself from something.
If you'll really only ever be happy with someone who is all the things he's not, do both of you a favor and let him go, because nobody -- especially a child -- deserves that. But if the issue is that you both have some stuff to deal with, it's certainly fixable.
Hugs. I know how hard it can be, and I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
**Hugs** I'm sorry you're feeling sad about things. I think this is a big indication of what you should do about your situation. If you're not happy now (and I think you're right to feel upset about the issues), what makes you think you'll be happy in the long run? I also think you need up front and honest with him about how you feel and why you're unhappy. If you can't express your concerns at this point, you're never going to get to a place in your relationship where you can be happy. Because lying/cheating is involved, I think you should also look into couples counseling with him. I know you're going through some rough times, but I wish you the best of luck and if you're ever in doubt, go with your gut feeling!
First of all, thank you bees for all of your wisdom and insight, and effort in actually sitting and responding to my post. I've read through all the replies word for word, and you have all truly helped me a ton.
Also, I realize I was in a very upset state when I wrote this post, and focused on the negatives. There are also many positive things that lead me to truly love this man. He has let go so many of his own dreams to help me accomplish mine, he loves my family and has done so much for them as if they had been his own. He makes me dinner when I am tired, and lists off the things that he thinks are perfect about me when I am feeling down. A few days ago, I started out a new job with a horrible boss and came home in tears, and he hugged me and comforted me without even caring that I was making late to work. He's there for me anytime I cry, unless I am crying because of him...that's when he mocks me and makes fun of me...and it seems most often than not, it is because of him that I cry.
To the bee that asked, I am 28... I do feel like my clock is ticking. I thought I had been in love before, but in retrospect, I wasn't...it was nothing like this.
I guess it's like Greta B says...when things are good they are so great! But when things are bad, they are soo miserable, and there is never any in between. A whole lot of drama and when we make-up again, I feel so on top of the world, like this is the strongest love anybody could ever feel.
He's a great person, and would make a great father. But as a partner and hubby to be, he is a liar, and has been a cheater, and these are really the biggest problems.
It is so hard to imagine there may be someone else out there that comes as close to perfect as he does in everything else, minus the lying/cheating part. We have lived together for 2 years, we have investments together, our mothers hang out together, his family loves me and mine loves him. We picked our venue and it is so perfect....the deposit is in. My dress is the most perfect dress in the world. It is soooo hard to break it off at this point. But you girls made me realize, staying to take the easy way out is only going to make it even harder in the end.
I decided that before anything, I need to move out. I am going to see some one-bedrooms and studios today. I am going to talk to him on Wednesday (I work nights, he works days, so that is the next time I'll see him). You bees hit the nail on the head, I do feel like I am settling, and I do think that I deserve all the good things he gives me without the bad.
I have to say it was actually surprising to me, the bees that said they trust their man 100%. I didn't know that was possible. The bees that said they are NEVER miserable....really? I had no idea things were supposed to be like that. In my past relationships I wasn't miserable either, but then again, I didn't feel strongly enough about the relationship in the first place to let it affect me like this. I guess I just had no idea.
Thanks for everything bees, you girls really came through.
Chipotle,
You are such a strong and sensible woman! Good for you for making this hard decision and thinking so much about the kind of future you want and the love you deserve.
Good luck with everything!
Chipotle,
I'm very sorry you are in this position; however, I agree with the gals. You really need to consider why you love this guy. Do you truly feel your love will still be there years later? Do you think you can live the rest of your life doubting his words and checking up on him all the time because he isn't honest? You shouldn't have to do that! No one should. I hate that you think you may never find love again. Your relationship you currently have is not love. A man who loved you would not do or say the things he does. Are you religious? Plan to seek a minister or priest or something before the wedding for the pre-wedding counsel? If so, I strongly suggest you speak with someone. Does your family, mother, siblings, friends know about this?
I truly hope you really think about going through with this wedding if you are having these feelings now. Six months after the wedding, or less or more, you don't want to be in a situation where now you realize you are stuck.
Please keep us posted and good luck ::hugs::
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Bees, I am posting under a new username b/c FI sometimes reads my posts for entertainment value.
Let me start by saying that I've been engaged for a year, together for 2.5years. I feel like I stopped being happy just about the time we got engaged. That's when I found out he was actually still with his ex the first 6 months of our own relationship...he cheated on us both. He has sworn he's now changed and I've learned to trust him, but I still check up on him. I'm not the forgive and forget type of person.
He's a big lier of small lies....he lies about everything. Stupid things. Like that he doesn't pluck his eyebrows when I've caught him tweezers in hand. He hasn't ever taken pills, when I found some viagra in his sock drawer (he's not even 30 yet). He doesn't watch porn while I'm out of town, though it's all there on the computer history. These are all things I've confronted him about and yet he continues to lie.
I love him so much that sometimes I just want to run to the altar and elope. But then again, he makes me miserable. He's not sweet and romantic or outgoing and funny....all qualities I had imagined the perfect hubby to have. He makes fun of me when I am being a drama queen and cry and all I want is to be hugged. Even in the bedroom, I am ashamed to say I fake it 9 times out of 10. He doesn't even notice. And now I feel like I'm stuck pretending to be satisfied when I'm not.
So what do I do? Do I let go of this man I love? Do I just need to learn to move on from things that happened 2.5yrs ago? Do I ignore the stupid little lies without being suspicious they will grow to bigger lies?
I'm just afraid of never finding love like this again. I want a family. I have baby fever. Maybe it is me that has a problem. I've never really felt sad before, but maybe these are all symptoms of depression?
*sigh*
Please advise.
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