Post # 1
Bees, I am posting under a new username b/c FI sometimes reads my posts for entertainment value.
Let me start by saying that I’ve been engaged for a year, together for 2.5years. I feel like I stopped being happy just about the time we got engaged. That’s when I found out he was actually still with his ex the first 6 months of our own relationship…he cheated on us both. He has sworn he’s now changed and I’ve learned to trust him, but I still check up on him. I’m not the forgive and forget type of person.
He’s a big lier of small lies….he lies about everything. Stupid things. Like that he doesn’t pluck his eyebrows when I’ve caught him tweezers in hand. He hasn’t ever taken pills, when I found some viagra in his sock drawer (he’s not even 30 yet). He doesn’t watch porn while I’m out of town, though it’s all there on the computer history. These are all things I’ve confronted him about and yet he continues to lie.
I love him so much that sometimes I just want to run to the altar and elope. But then again, he makes me miserable. He’s not sweet and romantic or outgoing and funny….all qualities I had imagined the perfect hubby to have. He makes fun of me when I am being a drama queen and cry and all I want is to be hugged. Even in the bedroom, I am ashamed to say I fake it 9 times out of 10. He doesn’t even notice. And now I feel like I’m stuck pretending to be satisfied when I’m not.
So what do I do? Do I let go of this man I love? Do I just need to learn to move on from things that happened 2.5yrs ago? Do I ignore the stupid little lies without being suspicious they will grow to bigger lies?
I’m just afraid of never finding love like this again. I want a family. I have baby fever. Maybe it is me that has a problem. I’ve never really felt sad before, but maybe these are all symptoms of depression?
Post # 3
If you’re feeling this upset and worried, then something isn’t right. I think you need to dig down deep and try to picture yourself with him ten years down the road. Or if want you really want is to be married and start a family. If you can see yourself with him, then I think you need to sit down and talk to him about all of this. Just like you did in this post. If something is bothering you, it’s not going to go away until you confront it. I know this is hard, I’ve had to deal with this myself in the past. I hope things work out well for you. sending you hive hugs!
Post # 4
Follow your instincts… good luck!
Post # 5
I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I’m having a hard time understanding how this is love. He sounds like he treats you rather poorly…and you deserve better. Wanting privacy and occasionally teasing each other is one thing. Outright lying and poking fun at you when you are upset is just not okay. I guess to me it sounds like he does not show you respect at a very deep level.
I guess my advice would be to run, not walk from this. And then to try to understand why you love someone who treats you so poorly. but that’s a biased view based on a negative post. I don’t want to pathologize your emotions, but something strikes me as very wrong here.
I’m sorry if the above sounded harsh. If my read is inaccruate, please correct me. But either way, I’m sending you a big ((Hug)).
Post # 6
Aww, I’m sorry you feel this way. I hate to say it – and this is just my opinion – but I had a cousin tell me not that long ago that when she got married "it was over before the wedding", she said she "never should have gone through with it." She stayed with her husband long enough to have 2 children, and is now divorced and a single mother. If you are having these feelings now, of unhappiness I really don’t think it’s wise to commit to a marriage at this time. If you truely think he’s the one – maybe postpone until your heart is 100% with you. But please do not marry this man in fear of never finding love again. It will come to you… maybe not tomorrow… but you WILL feel love again. I think you just really need to do some soul searching and decide if you are going to be happy with him 10, 20, 30 years down the road, or if you will just be "stuck" in this unhappy marriage. *big hugs*
Post # 7
You two NEED to have a serious chat because both of you are lying/miscommunicating. We all want to protect the feelings of the ones we love (which sounds like both of your’s intention), but not addressing this ASAP would be a mistake. The last thing you would want to do is not address this and have things reach the tipping point once you’re married. Good luck!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace
Repeated lying is a big issue. I would be even more worried about the little lies day-to-day than the fact that he was cheating 2 years ago. It’s different to lie once and call it a mistake and work through it and that’s that. Chronic lying is worrisome, though.
Also, there are other issues at play here, like not connecting in bed and him not being supportive and understanding of your emotions. Even though the man we end up with usually isn’t exactly how we might have pictured, he still needs to be meeting our needs.
It’s a tough call to make and I’m sure that you do love him, but you don’t sound happy with where things are going. I’d say he either needs to know and you guys should work towards some positive change together or maybe you guys should take a break. I’m no relationship counselor, but I hate to hear you sounding so sad.
Big Miss Star hugs are coming your way. Good luck, lady.
Post # 9
OMG! This post is driving me crazy! NOOO you obviously DONT need to have a conversation with him… he will just lie to you. RUN… you are settling if you stay with him and it obviously wont work because one day you will wake up !! You need to let go and find true love. Yes, its hard but ITS NOT LOVE!!! RUN!!!
Post # 10
You deserve better! You will find true love, better love and someone who will cherish you–not lie and be unaware of your true feelings! Good luck, hugs!
Post # 11
Ugh! I have a cousin like that….little white lies all the time. He got married 10 years ago and those of us that are close to him were like yikes. For instance, she didn’t know that he bought her e-ring at a pawn shop…..just like she didn’t know that he didn’t actually buy his car…his dad (my uncle) bought it for him.
Fast forward 9 years….she finally caught on that he’s all about the little white lies….they divorced last summer.
Honesty is one of those things that (to me & I’m sure most other women) is a given in a relationship. I trust my man to the core and he feels the same about me.
If you don’t have trust and have to constantly wonder or question your relationship, no matter how much you love your partner, it’s NOT worth it.
When you find the right person that loves and respects you, trust is there without question.
Post # 12
I can’t believe no one’s making a big deal out of the fact that he cheated on you for SIX MONTHS at the beginning of your relationship – that’s not a "one-time lie", that’s a chronic condition! You ask whether you should stop worrying if his little lies turn into bigger lies… how much bigger of a lie are you waiting for?
Seriously. I know it can be really hard to see how disfunctional a relationship is when you’re on the inside, but this sounds like a situation you need to get out of, fast. I don’t think the worrying about his behavior is a sign of depression – I think it’s a sign that you still have a good head on your shoulders. You *should* be concerned! It might, however, be a sign of depression that you’ve stayed in this relationship for this long. Get out while you have a chance.
Post # 13
my heart goes out to you! I have two questions for you… Have you ever been in love before? and if so, was it similar to how you feel about your current love? And my second question is what keeps you with him, other than fear of not finding anyone else? In other words, what about him makes you love him?
Post # 14
He cheated on you for six months, he lies about his porn habits, he makes you miserable, he’s not sweet or funny, he makes fun of you, he doesn’t notice your lack of connection in bed, and you’re unhappy in a time that makes most of us blissful. Don’t you think you deserve better than that? I do!
Please don’t let your fear of not finding anyone else keep you stuck in a relationship that’s not fulfilling you. That’s crazy! This is your LIFE we’re talking about, and marriage is a HUGE deal. Do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life? What is he going to be like with your children? It sounds like you don’t respect or even like him very much. My heart definitely goes out to you. I hope you realize that a life partner is not a decision that you should settle for.
Oh, and please stop faking it in bed. That’s lying to him, and not doing either of you any favors. Just stop lying to him, and instead, show him how to really make things work for you.
Post # 15
Go with your gut. If your not happy, then you need to step away from the situation. Until you are both completely honest with each other (and honest with yourselves), neither of you are going to be happy. My advice to you is end the relationship and get some counseling for yourself.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2008 - Imperia Hotel (modern chic hotel)
If you are not happy then you know something isnt how its suppose to be. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Communication is key and maybe, if you feel he is the love of your like, counselling might be an option.
The cheating factor would be a big no no for me… but everyone is different.
I wont tell you what to do, but if you arent happy anymore, and have become simply comfortable with your partner, then maybe you should re-consider.
Best of luck to you and a big hug