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Oh sweet mother of God. When I say the phrase "my fiance" to anyone, I get some variation of this in response. Usually they change their voice as though they're talking to a little girl whose feelings they don't want to hurt. I'm aware I'm 19 and most marriages don't work out when you're this young. It's one reason I'm waiting until I'm at least 21 and I've finished my Bachelors degree (should be done just before I turn 21); they're two milestones I want to hit before I'm married.
I'm not a little girl. I know who I am, I know my values, I'm not getting married just because I want a wedding.. I'm also not marrying him just because "I love him and he's nice to me!" I'm marrying him because I support him, he supports me, we believe in each other, we have good give and take, we have the same feelings about money/children/etc etc etc, we communicate well and I think we'll make good partners for the rest of our lives. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything.. but that alone is not what's going to make us last. It's all the other stuff that makes me love him and love the idea of going through EVERYTHING life throws at us together.
I'm also not getting married young because I need a man to support me! I could do just fine on my own. Really. I just want to be married to him.. I don't need to be married to him. Guess what? I'm getting a PhD. I'm going to be successful and maintain my independence even when married. I should be done with my PhD by the time I'm 26-27. And until that time, we're not having kids. So no, it's not a shotgun wedding, either. And if it was we sure wouldn't have set a date two years out. I'm NOT stupid, and I'm NOT naive.
I just needed to vent. I'm sure this is a little scattered. Point is, I'd love it if people just gave me a *little* more credit... but then again I see other people my age and I can see why people think I'm an idiot just by association... So I guess I can't blame them but I'm sick of being looked at/talked to like I'm a stupid kid, and I'm sure not going to justify myself to every single person who talks down to me.
Anyway, thanks for listening :)
Well... if everyone could read that, they'd shut their mouths! Congratulations!
Congratulations! I am not an agist and it should not even matter how old you are (as long as you are over 18) as long as you are in love and have a respectful, supportive relationship. Let what people say roll off of your shoulders! Enjoy being young and engaged and Iwish you the very best!
I know its frustrating, but people are reacting based on experience as well as statistics. It doesnt mean its you, but the younger you are married the higher chance you are divorced.
59 percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. The divorce rate drops to 36 percent for those married at age 20 or older. — "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States," M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher
"Since the divorce rate for women married by 18 is 48% in the first ten years and that group, once again, is primarily poor, minority women, the rate for educated couples is much less during those first ten years." http://www.drheller.com/divorcemyths.html
@lefeymw: Definitely, I know all those statistics.
Thanks guys!
@Leahhh: Some people pass judgment and point to statistics instead of examining the facts of the given scenario. If people just took a moment to talk with you about it instead of reacting inappropriately, you'd have the chance to share with them all that you shared here, and hopefully that would make a difference in the rest of your interaction with them. Hang in there. Most of the time people are just thinking of their own inadequacies or regrets in life and speaking from that. Don't let them project their problems onto you. Be smart and careful, yes, but you'd have to be at any age these days. Good luck and blessings to you!
I feel the same way. I'm 20, was 19 when we got engaged, and will be 21 when we get married. I won't have my Bachelor's yet but I'll only have a year to go and I'm not dropping out of school to get married (why does it seem everyone automatically jumps to that conclusion? at least where I'm from they do). I agree, being on a college campus and seeing how so many other college students live makes it sort of understandable why people think we're too young, but I think age and maturity are very separate things. Honestly I don't care what people think about my age. I know I'm mature, and I have my family's and his family's support.
Haha thank you. I'm 20 and I get the same responses, unless they don't know my age. A lot of my coworkers would notice my ring and be SO shocked and ask if I was really engaged. If I wasn't, why would I wear a diamond ring on my ring finger? I know some people do, but I'm not big on jewelry and it's one of two rings I wear (the other is on my right ring finger). Just try to ignore it.
The one thing that drives me crazy is I always say, "Well, we're not getting married for a year or two until I have my BA and I'm still getting my masters....blahblahblah." I really shouldn't have to make excuses, but I feel like I have to prove myself to people and that's the hardest part. My fiancé and I have been together for two years and have a nice townhouse style apartment, so it isn't like we don't know what it's going to be like being married...plus, we're a lot more mature than a lot of our married friends who are 5-10 years older than us.
So that's my experience. It's really frustrating how people assume so much based on age. There are a lot of mature people like you who have their lives together and are young. It's defintely not as common, but it would be nice if the responses were excitement and not questioning about whether it's the best decision. It's rather hurtful.
@glittermoon: Right? I'm actually sick of hearing myself say it!!
@Leahhh: Me too! I'm pretty sick of feeling bad about it, too. It almost feels like getting caught doing something bad...when it's really not. It's frustrating having people question something just because I'm young. All of the doubt is just toxic. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, though. :) I'm thinking about just replying with something like "Yeah, he's really amazing and we've been dating for three months and he says he loves me, so I know we can get through anything! He just got out of prison, but he's really changed. Plus, I'm having his baby." But only to people who I don't like haha.
So, people saying this to you either:
1. don't know you/your relationship at all, so stop giving an eff what they think?
2. DO know you, and are just saying it to piss you off (see #1).
3. DO know you, and are legitimately concerned.
Judging by the people saying it, you probably know exactly which of the 3 it is.
@glittermoon: That would be AMAZING. hahaha. If only I could say that with a straight face.
Thank you :)
See, I don't feel bad about it.. just annoyed. I feel like rolling my eyes every time it happens. I say something about him and their voice changes. It gets higher pitched and just.. it's like they're talking to a child!! like "OOOHhhh well aww isn't that special!!!" It's just condescending!
Sweetheart I'm in a similar situation, and you know what? you learn to accept that it's normal for everyone to think your young or immature. BUT they don't know you, they don't know your relationship and they have no valid opinion. 
@Leahhh: I usually end up taking it really personally and feel bad. I've gotten a little bit better, especially since the only people who say that are my coworkers who are almost all at least twice or three times my age and had awful relationships. One of my coworkers even said, "Well, I was married at 20 and it didn't work out." Like that's a good predictor of my relationship...how someone else who I dislike's relationship was. That's logical. Most people who really know me don't say anything negative and are really happy for me because they know how mature I am and how mature my fiancé is, but some old ladies are just so frustrating. One of my male coworkers who's a few years older than me also told me "Well, at least you're only making one mistake," after I mentioned I was probably not going to have kids (he already knew I was engaged). Ha. I asked him to repeat it and he got super embarrassed.
My opinion on this is one I've stated before. Generally when people tell you that you are too young what they really mean is that they were not ready when they were your age. My parents got married at 19 and 20 and they've been married for 28 years- happily, I might add. I know it feels shitty to hear it, but smile, thank them for their concern and go on your merry, happily engaged way.
@Aure: Yea, I agree with that :) Thank you for saying it, it's a good way to look at it.
I know how you feel...my FI and I are young (I'm 21, he's 22) and we have a 7 month old son. I'm constantly told how we are too young. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion..but why are we forced to hear it? We are happy, and our son is the best thing in this world. GRR!
Sorry, know that was off topic..but your post brought up those feelings :)
I feel this as well I (22) and my FI (23), we have been together for two years, also in a respectful, loving, committed, enjoyable, supportive relationship and we just ignore what some people comment or their opinion of our engagement!
Just thought I'd chime in with this. My paternal grandparents have been married 62 years. They married at the ages of 15 (her) and 17 (him). They are still in love today. It's so sweet to see. :) My maternal grandparents were married at 18. They were married for 55 years until my grandfather passed away. My Grandmother passed away soon after, and mourned for him till the day she died. My parents were married when my Dad was 23 and my Mom was 17. They were married for 28 years and still embarrassed me with the lovey dovey up until my Dad passed away. So, the point I'm trying to make is, marriages do last. Doesn't matter your age if it's the real thing. Also, if people weren't talking about your age, it would be something else. People talk. Period. Annoying? Yes. But, who really cares what people say? Screw the hatahs! ;)
I'm 25 and I get that too. People think just because we're young, we're stupid. Well I've been with my FI for 6 years, and we've lived together for 2.5. I know what I'm getting myself into.
Hang in there!
It's a truth you have to face that statistically your marriage is less likely to work out at your age.
I got married at 18, which isn't too far-fetched for the rural area I grew up in, many people are married in their early 20s. I was saying the exact same things you are saying now (we support each other, we have the same goals, we agree on money/kids, etc.). But people change A LOT during those first few years away from home. The man that I loved and was my best friend turned into a total stranger by the end.
I think it's wise you are waiting until after college.
@abbyful: This is where I think maturity comes into play rather than age. I agree that once you move out and start becoming financially independent, things change a lot. I've been moved out since I graduated HS and paying my own bills, but I think a lot of young people still rely on their parents up until they get married, which is why problems arise.
@Beluga: My feelings as well :)
Good for you girl!! Age is just a number. I think that for some 19 would be to young to get married, but your right a few bad apples spoil the bunch not everyone fits into that category!! I wish you the best of luck!!
"I agree that once you move out and start becoming financially independent, things change a lot. I've been moved out since I graduated HS and paying my own bills, but I think a lot of young people still rely on their parents up until they get married, which is why problems arise."
Even when you are "on your own", things change a lot in your later teens and early 20s. The human brain is still developing into the early 20s and does not reach full maturity until the mid 20s, so it's also a bioloigical thing, not just an issue of "maturity" or "life experience".
As a young bride myself (we tied the knot when I was 18, and got engaged 2 weeks after I turned 18), I can understand your frustration with those comments.
However, only you two know what works for you. If you keep letting those comments get to you and feeling like you have to prove your "readiness" to others, you'll drive yourself crazy! Plus, that's just unnecessary pressure that you DON'T need. Just live your life, let comments like that to roll off your back (because if you think they will stop AFTER you get married, you've got another think coming. I still get them on a frequent basis. The only thing that will change is, "MARRIED? And you're HOW old?") and enjoy the experience! If you keep letting them get the best of you, they win.
Ten years down the road when you're still married, and have a beautiful baby or two, they'll be eating their words. Don't sweat it.
I know its hard, but try not to let what other people say bother you. I was 20 when we got engaged and almost 22 when we got married, after we'd been together 5 years. I heard it a lot, but I graduated college when I was 20 (a year early) and NOT because I wanted to get married, just simply because it was a goal I wanted to accomplish. At 20, I was a full-time preschool teacher doing what I loved after graduating with a bachelor's degree. I was also engaged and planning our wedding. People, especially at work, thought I was nuts at first, but eventually they at least RESPECTED me, even if they didn't think it would work out.
My point is, it sounds like you are smart and you've got a good head on your shoulders. Try not to let it get to you. YOU know yourself and your relationship better than anyone else.
@Beluga: That seems to be the three categories I've encountered. A subcategory of #2 is people who just want to be manipulating and a bossypants (these people also seem to be people who -shocker- weren't invited to the wedding)
@Leahhh: Just remember that for every bride catching flack for getting married at a younger age there is an older bride getting just as much somewhere else. In the end people just like to point fingers regardless of who they are pointing at, it just takes the focus off of themselves.
You sound very mature and like you do know just what you're getting into, so try to not let it bother you if people say things. I have found it doesn't matter what life choices you make, SOMEONE somewhere will criticize/judge/point fingers at you.
My sister and her husband got married when they were both 20. He is in the military and their entire relationship was long-distance (and still is). Neither of them went to college, and they both got a lot of criticism from people outside our family. Everyone in our family supported them because we saw how much they were committed to each other, and how stable their relationship was despite the hurdles they faced.
They've been married almost 2 years and are stronger than ever. They have great respect for the other, have great communication skills, and are very resilient, strong people. It's possible to have a strong relationship no matter what you face in life if you're willing to work through whatever problems you encounter.
I'm sorry to say that I'm on team sceptical. I know several people who got married at 19 - 23 because they were in truly wonderful and supportive relationships, and not one of them is still married today.
I wish you all the best none the less! I hope you will be an exception to the rule.
In contrast to apriljo2011, MOST people where I come from were married between 19 and 23 and have fabulous relationships. I think the demographics of where you're from and the culture have a lot to do with it. For some reason here in the US, we have this strange belief that we have to be all grown up, set in our ways, and have been single through the best years of our lives before we can get married. I don't understand it. What is wrong with growing together?
On another note, what about those couples where one may be 19, and the other may be 26? Just because one of them is young doesn't doom the marriage to fail.
That's my relationship. He married at what most of you would consider an "acceptable" age. If I had cared to post one of those "I'm xx years old, am I old enough to get married???" threads, obviously there would have been a plethora of nay-sayers.
Again, just let it go in one ear and out the other.
@AprilJo2011: So, I posted this for support. I don't care if you're skeptical. If you are, don't post. Not that I care what you think but the point is I'm getting annoyed hearing the same statistics over and over. I GET IT.
@abbyful: That's a fair point, although we've been together almost 3 years during that changing period of our lives, and we're more in love than ever. I think it's very possible to grow and change together.
And I would like to throw in a quote from Scrubs, because I love the show and I think I can apply it to anything, lol.
Dr. Cox: "Statistics show? Who cares what statistcs show? Look at medicine. 80% of people with pancreatic cancer die within 5 years. 95% of appendectectomies occur with zero complications. But we both know cases of pancreatic cancer patients that lived and appendicitis patients that unfortunately passed. Statistics mean nothing to the individual."
I totally agree! I am 20, and finished with my BA, and will be 21 when I get married. Luckily, friends and family have spared us that nonsense, but I still get it from time to time from strangers. It also probably helps that I look like I'm in my mid 20's
I think we'll get that in a lot of realms until we're about 25.
Even at work, people always are shocked at my young age, and then their jaws really hit the floor when I tell them I'm also married. Blow 'em off and do your thang.
ARGH I get this ALL THE TIME. Every time I'm saying something in passing about my FI, people stop me in the middle of my sentence and say, "Your fiance? Awwww." in the same tone of voice they would use to a 7-year-old girl who announces she has a boyfriend. Like I'm calling him fiance for novelty or attention. Um, no...I'm calling him that because we are engaged and getting married next year.
I don't really let it get to me that people think I'm way younger than I am anymore, or that I'm too young to get married, but what bothers me about this particular exchange is that it interrupts the flow of conversation and it is plainly clear to me that the other person thinks I'm using the word "fiance" for attention/not using it seriously, like I'm calling him that but we have no wedding date or plans in place (and OP I know you said you weren't getting married for another couple of years but I consider that a "plan", so don't think I'm making a dig at you!), like the people who get "engaged" for the sake of being engaged but never actually planned on getting married. Then it puts me on the defensive unnecessarily and it just gets awkward.
So yeah...I totally can commisserate haha.
@galloway111: I LOVE! That quote! Every time I hear just about any statistic that's what I think of.
I'm glad so many others are in the same boat!
I think people just tend assess others' relationship according to their own experience no matter what the issue is. Too young, too old and set in their ways, didn't date long enough before getting engaged, dated too long before getting engaged, etc. People judge other people's relationships, as a rule rather than an exception - you wouldn't be spared if you were older. Your marriage isn't about proving anything to anyone else so just take a deep breath and tell yourself "haters gonna hate." :)
@Kant: Oh, no problem :) I've tentatively set the date, haha ;)
But yeah! More than just saying I'm too young or I'll get divorced.. it's the treating me like I'm "so cute" or don't know any better! The 7 year old voice makes me wanna gouge their eyes out.
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