(Closed) ENGAGED BEES -will I be waiting longer if I talk about it at all?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think this really depends on your specific situation.

If you have discussed marriage in depth, have a loose timeline, and are in agreement that you are in the “right” stage of your relationship and your individual lives to get married, then I’d say nagging is a big turn-off and you should just try to be patient.

If you haven’t had any serious discussions, or think there is a disconnect in how the two of you see the future, then I think you actually should talk about it, rather than keeping quiet and hoping he will propose on his own.

Post # 4
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think it depends on your boy. They’re all different!

My friends FI was dragging his feet on proposing becuase she hadn’t brought it up. She brought it up ONCE, in a YEAR! She’d said she wanted to be engaged by X-date, it was a year out.  So his excuse for not proposing was that he didn’t think she was serious becuase she didn’t talk about it. Seriously! They did get engaged right away after she talked about it again.

I hear other stories of guys that make a move once you let it go and stop talking about it.

I would say if it’s building resentment to the point of having outbursts, you probably need to talk to your boy about it, right? Meaning telling him how you feel in a non-threatening, non-blaming way.  Unless it’s such a sore subject already, I’ll need to read up on your situation.  

 

Post # 5
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m totally against popular opinion on the boards here on this particular issue. I think you should stick up for yourself and establish paramaters that make sense for you. I know it’s uncomfortable to talk to your BF about it, but this is a real and important issue for couples to discuss and agree upon: Their Future.

Post # 6
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, I think you’ll be waiting longer if you let it consume your thoughts all the time. I think posting on the Bee and researching wedding planning things is probably not the best idea if you’re waiting.

Discuss your future, your goals, etc. but don’t let it interfere with living your life.

Post # 7
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@moderndaisy

I struggled with this one myself! I made the decision to discuss and it was ackward but I’m so glad we did becuase it did establish paramenters that make sense. I appreciate your view on this. I have a lot of GF’s who are like “what’s the rush?” “don’t push!” and this one’s my favorite, “why is marriage/engagement so important to you?”. As if I’m crazy for wanting this, and it’s a taboo topic or something. Seriously!!!

Post # 8
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@moderndaisy: i 100% agree with you 🙂 it’s your LIFE together–it should be discussed openly and honestly.

Post # 9
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t mean to threadjack, but I agree with the OPs.  I’ve seen posts on here where it seems like the couple never talked about marriage or the future and the woman is “surprised” by a proposal.  I definitely didn’t think that was the norm anymore, and personally would be very confused and weirded-out if someone did that to me.  In the past, when I haven’t talked about the future with someone, it was either because it was too early, or I really didn’t see one.

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you havent discussed your future together, then do it. I think (personally) if you arent sure about marrying someone after a year, then you really need to think about why and if its worth waiting to see if you might later on.

Don’t nag him to propse becacuse its a turn off, and then when he finally does, you will wonder if its because you nagged him or if he really wants to be with you. Bring it up a couple times, “Where do you see our future headed?” or “What kind of time line are you thinking about for us?” But dont talk about it more than that. Guys will do what they think is right in their own head. The #1 reason they wait is due to bad timing. A lot want to be financially stable and in the right time in their lives. Ive noticed it really having little to do with if they want to wait to commit.

Post # 11
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Anthony’s Fine Dining

I think there’s a happy medium.  We talked about when we wanted to get married, and we set up a time table together; however, he wanted the actual proposal to be a surprise.  I don’t think I brought it up that often, but it did get to a point when we decided to stop talking about all together.  I knew it was coming and that was enough for me.  I don’t think it was a matter of too much talking = too much pressure; I think he was just worried I’d ruin the surprise.

I TOTALLY know what you mean about getting something once you stop thinking about it.  Life does seem to work that way a lot!  That’s definitely happened to me with other things, but I don’t think I was ever able to stop thinking about this!

Post # 12
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with most posters….You need to discuss it at some point.  But not every day like nagging.  Have a nice dinner…few glasses of wine and discuss away.

I knew my FI would feel totally uncomfortable and controlled if I put any sort of timeline on him whatsoever.  What we did discuss was whether the possibility existed and the barriers to it happening right now.  He had some issues with me and I had a few with him.  He saw me work really hard to fix the issues and it helped.  One sticking point with us was children.  He’s 40 and divorced, I’m nearly 30.  I want at least one child.  We actually broke up before getting engaged because he didn’t know if he could do it and didn’t want to take away something I wanted.  Magically, the space helped him figure it out and he proposed about 6 months later. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with most too. He should know what you want. Make sure you’ve been direct about it and that its something you both want. If you feel its getting past the time you thought you’d wait be as specific as possible about timelines. Then: drop it and be happy. If your magic day omes you can bring it up again or send him packing (he knew good and well) but no nagging or pouting until then.

Who wants to work so hard to convince someone anyway? Tell him what you want and what it means to you then drop it and be happy and believe it will happen unless it doesn’t. Sometimes it takes a few conversations and that’s fine so long as its not constant and needling.

Best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think it is pushy to just talk about it in general. I think it may come off pushy or needy if you give him the ultimate ultimatum. Which would be set a date or its over. If you know you are with a marriage minded person, the possiblity is he may ask you or he may not.  IDK how long you two have been dating but if you have been dating so long you are questioning if he will ever ask, it may be time to bring it up seriously so you aren’t wasting you time with someone who has no plans on marrying you or within the timeline you wish to be married in.

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with Moderndaisy and I let BF know from the get-go what I wanted ! So every milestone, I reminded him.  However, he wanted the same, so it should be — and we got engaged after one year.

Post # 16
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

There’s a difference between constant, obsessive nagging and clear, rational discussion. I do agree with others who’ve said that you both need to be on the same page, and that requires talking about your future.

For our situation, we talked about a timeline in a general way, and he updated me once in a while about ring shopping. The best thing we did was talk about our life together in a very positive way, like saying “when we have…” “when we go…” etc. rather than “if”. There were periods of frustration for both of us, certainly, but I think they were growing pains and general frustration over wanting things to work out well to mutual satisfaction.

To give you an idea of how it all worked out: the marriage talk began around our 2nd anniversary last August; he saved money and researched through the holidays; shopping/looking in stores began in January I think; he said it would happen before our 3rd anniversary; he proposed in April!

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