- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I would be incredibly grateful for you advice on this. I have also spoken to my best friend but I would really appreciate other perspectives.
This is an 8 year tale but here are the basics…I am engaged to my boyf of 5 years, he is very well meaning, kind, great around the house, interesting, works hard, stable, secure etc etc. He can also be moody, hurtful and a little anti-social. Although some of my friends love him, and he is good company, those who have seen his moody side (my best friend etc) have said he can be out of order and unpleasant on occasion. At first his preference to just do things as a couple rather than groups of mates bothered me, but now I’m getting a bit older and people are settling down I’m ok with it, and when it’s just us we get on great.
The problem is that 8 years ago I met and fell in love with someone else (Mister X). He wasn’t emotionally available at the time, although over the course of 2 years we became friends, then dated for 4 months (in full knowledge he was moving abroad). They were an amazing 4 months. We click, he’s funny, he’s sociable and very popular. He doesn’t get moody. Then again he has always lived for the moment, been a bit reckless with money and drinking too much.
After he moved away I met my now fiancé. When Mister X came back from abroad 12 months later I confessed my old feelings, and he looked like he’d been hit by a train. He realised he loved me, but I painfully decided I wanted to stick with my now-fiance because I was concerned Mister X was still reckless (he was jobless at the time). So I told him no, and that we shouldn’t be in touch.
3 years later bought a house with now-fiance and immediately felt trapped, like I was living a middle-aged life etc, and that I might have made a mistake in letting Mister X go. I got back in touch, asked him to forgive me whether we could have a relationship. It took 12 months of seeing him on the quiet (as a friend although we did kiss once) for him to decide he didn’t want to be part of this and move abroad again.
6 months later I got engaged, felt like I was mentally letting him/the past go, and now Mister X has got in touch, saying he will move back and marry me, that’s he’s made a mistake and that we are made for one another.
I felt (and still feel) terribly torn. I realise people here will judge me, I accept that, but I feel trapped. Either way I will lose someone I love. I don’t want to move forward with making wedding plans til I’m 100% sure, but people are getting suspicious as it’s been 5 months and I still don’t have a ring/date etc. I am in limbo. I love my fiancé, he is fab, would be a great dad, works hard and is responsible. He has depression and is on meds, which helps his moods but I am concerned that he’ll go back to moody again when off them. His parents are also a bit ‘odd’. They are kind, but don’t really have friends, and sleep in separate rooms because his dad has anxiety/depression. I am worried we’d go the same way.
On the other hand Mister X’s family are more like mine-very open and sociable, I’ve met and know them well and they are trying to help me make a decision. Mister X and I are ‘soulmates’ in many ways, and he has promised to pay his debts, get responsible and plan for the future with me. If I chose to be with him I’ll lose my house/car etc but it’s not about possessions, its about whether in 20 years time he’ll be back spending all his money down the pub and I’ll feel let-down.
I know many of you will say ‘chose neither’, but I don’t feel like that’s an option. I love them both, for very different reasons. I feel panicky and horribly guilty, and very confused. When I’m with my fiancé I’m fine, but when I’m out having fun I worry we’ll never have that together. I just don’t want to dread my wedding day for having to ‘let go’ of Mister X.
Thank you so very much for anyone willing to lend an ear x