Post # 1
I’m engaged but not really happy. We’ve been together for 7 years. Last year I was very unhappy, and I thought it was because I didn’t see where this relationship was going. Out of 7 years over 2 were long-distance, I moved across the country twice for him, so I felt like he needs to either stop waisting my time or propose. I told him that and gave him a deadline. He proposed on the last day of my timeline, when he proposed I was already mentally checked out of the relationship, and was thinking about how do I get my own place now, should I find some roommates, etc. I said Yes but had to pretend I’m happy. I figured it would get better over time. Now it’s been 6 months since we got engaged. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel miserable. I drive him nuts because I’m nagging him all the time. It seems like what he does is never good enough for me, he doesn’t make enough money, I’m sick of his school, he’s boring, etc. He doesn’t like that I make feel that way, so he picked up smoking. Each weekend he goes away for a day to a cigar shop and spends time, works on his laptop there. It makes me miserable every time, because I think he is just trying to escape the reality. I don’t feel joy about the upcoming wedding. When I told the girls at work that I am engaged they were more excited about me than I was. I fear being alone and not finding another man like this. He really truly loves me and takes great care of me. I’m miserable and not sure why, if we get married I’m not sure if I’ll be happy or if I’ll always be deeply unsatisfied with him and him not being good enough.
Post # 3
My only suggestion would be counseling to help you sort out whether you want to save the relationship or get support in ending it in the least hurtful way possible.
I certainly wouldn’t be doing any wedding planning right now if I were you.
Post # 4
@Sunny777: I’m sorry you are feeling this way, it’s really not your fault! You had already convinced yourself that he was no good so it’s hard to get back to where you were. Did he WANT to get married? I’m sure you feel guilty about forcing him. He didn’t have to propose, that was his choice. I worry sometimes about what my SO thinks and how much money he makes too and I’m already married. You need to start from the beginning and remember why you stuck around as long as you did and why you love him. He can take care of you and love you but that’s not enough for a good solid marriage. None if those other things should matter if you are truly in love with each other. I think it will be okay. Take it day by day.. Take a trip together, initiate date nights, take about your successful future! ((Hugs))
Post # 5
I definitely think your actions are starting to drive him away. From what you’ve said here, he KNOWS you’re unhappy. I would strongly suggest you mentally take a step back and contemplate if the grass would be greener on the other side – because it’s not always.
I kinda went through the same thing – it was time to sh!t or get off the pot, and once he proposed I wasn’t that picturesque blissful bride at all – like, oh crap I gotta spend the rest of my life with you now? And everything he did bugged me. When taking that step back, I started to remember all those reasons why I was with him in the first place. I can never imagine myself with anyone else, because they truly dont compare. Maybe it’s your hormones, maybe it’s just a phase you’re going through – hey, it happens. Genuinely contemplate EVERYTHING before deciding.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I’d try therapy, but honestly, the fact that you were mentally checked out of the relationship and feeling POSITIVE about that… it makes me think you are ready to move on.
Post # 7
He proposed on your walk date. Do you think he would’ve proposed if you hadn’t given him a walk date? Sounds like you were checked out of this relationship before your imposed walk date.
Do you think you feel this way because you gave him a walk date and were preparing for the worst? I wonder if you’d feel this way if you hadn’t given him a walk date?
Post # 8
@Sunny777: Have you considered the possibility that you might just be depressed? Have you thought about talking to a counselor? It might be that you are taking out your unhappiness on your fiance when the issue doesn’t even come from your relationship.
I would postpone the wedding and try to see a therapist one-on-one, and a premarriage counselor for both of you two.
Good luck, I’m sorry that you aren’t enjoying what should be a very happy time 🙁
Post # 9
Thank you so much for replying!!! I will try therapy, maybe by myself or both of us.. I’ve been thinking I should at least give it shot. The thing is I’m not sure why I’m not happy, everything seems all right but something is not there. He is the most loving person I know, and he is my best friend. I have no family around and he is all I have really. We’ve been together for a long time, and I’m 24 now, so I haven’t seriously dated anyone else. We’ve been through a lot together, he was in college, then he got into medical school and I had to transfer schools so we can be together. We went through some tought times, and barely had money for rent, but were happy. He then moved away for residency for a year, so again long-distance relationship. We are now living in one city, but it seems like I’ve spent such a long time waiting for our happy future, that I don’t know if we can have it anymore.. It seems like happiness is always in the future, not now.. It used to be when he graduates, when we make more money. Now it is when he finishes residency.. I recognize all his achievements, but I start to slowly hate him for the fact that because of his situation we can’t already get married, buy a house, and get a puppy and start a future… How many more years do I have to wait? I want to love him, but I can’t let go of the fact that he can’t give me what I want.. My father was never able to support us, and my Mom had to do whatever it took to give us a shot for a decent future. I resist the fact that although I’m 24 and he is 8 years older I’m making almost twice as much. If we have a wedding I will have to pay for all of it. I know it’s not all about money, and I know once he finishes he’ll make more, but given my family history I slowly lose respect for him because of it. I want to love him, but I don’t know if I can. I want to actually live my life, I’m tired of surviving with him and waiting for when I can be happy. He seems to be tired and not interested in anything. When I ask him what he wants in life he says he just wants to survive until he is done with his training. I think he is depressed, but what I failed to recognize that maybe that’s the new him now? He’s been like that for months, has no hobbies, he likes to spend his free time watching movies online or smoking. I actually want somebody who is passionate about life. I know the fact that he knows that I am unhappy doesn’t help, but it’s him who makes me unhappy.. The thing is I think we are pretty compatible, but I can’t love him openly because of all these thoughts. Sorry this is so long, and thank you.
Post # 10
@sauerdragon: This x100
When I was suffering from depression, I felt like this quite a bit about my fiance. I considered leaving over and over again, until I realised the problem was with me, how I felt. I was pushing away everyone, not just him. A year and a bit on, everything isn’t all perfect and rosey, I still get low and it can sometimes impact on us, but things are so much better than they were.
I’m absolutely not trying to push my experiences onto you, but it is something to consider. How do you feel about work, family, friends, your home, social life, health etc?
Post # 11
I just want to be happy. I started going to church and it makes me feel better about us and our relationship, but he doesn’t believe in God and doesn’t want to go with me. I hope therapy will help, but it also makes me feel like if you need therapy before you are married then maybe you should not be getting married to begin with..
Post # 12
I know I have tendencies to get pretty emotional (coming from my Mom). But I have a good life, it’s not like I’m sitting at home staring at a ceiling. I had a 4.0 GPA in college, I have an amazing job, I am pursuing professional education, I go to amazing places traveling with friends (he can’t go with me because of his job).. Overall by myself I’m not unhappy… what makes me unhappy is where we are going togeher
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2009 - Mountain Meadow/Mansion
I’m glad to hear you are considering therapy. It sounds like it will be beneficial for you to get to the root of your unhappiness and make a decision about your next steps. It’s possible, as PPs have mentioned, that either you or FI are depressed, but you won’t know until you check it out. FWIW, when I’m really down, I try to remember that in a given period of time ( a week, month or year from now) everything will likely be different. Good luck!
Post # 14
Definitely get some alone counseling. They can help you figure out if you’re done with the relationship or if you’re just having a touch time psychologically (like depression).
Post # 15
@Ellicott: I think when I gave him a deadline I was hoping proposal would fix things. I know I’ve spent at least several months before the walk date trying to mentally prepare myself for walking out. I’m not sure what to do now.. maybe I was trying to fix things with the proposal that were already broken or maybe I’ll just get over it and it will get better?
Post # 16
@MrsT2009: Thank you! I think I should do it, but I’m afraid that therapy will stay on my records forever, and will be forever used as a stigma against me by doctors, employers.. I’m not exactly sure how it works. If I do it thorugh my work’s insurance, will they know I’m in therapy?