Engaged for 18 months and FI STILL won't tell his parents… + emotional abuse

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

anonbee8896:  It sounds like you both should get some therapy individually and as a couple. It doesn’t sound like either of you are in a place where you are ready to be married.

Post # 3
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sounds like you need to be an individual person before you are a part of a healthy couple.  Yes he has issues and is not doing the right thing by you, that is clear, but the way you are treating yourself and allowing yourself to be treated is what alarms me the most.  I would absolutely call off the engagement as a minimum until you’ve worked on yourself and figured out what it is that YOU want.

Post # 4
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Gosh I am so sorry that sounds terrible. There’s a lot to be concerned about, but mostly the emotional abuse. Do you want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life? Catering to a moody mans whims?

honestly I would take it as a blessing in disguise that the engagement hasn’t been announced – and I’d get out of there. Learn from this, heal, and find a guy to marry with whom you bond over something postitive- (vs emotional wounds).

I would tell any lady in my life: you don’t want to spend your life making the world palatable to a negative person. 

Good luck! Xx

anonbee8896:  

Post # 5
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve had to “walk on eggshells” and didn’t realize for a long time that that isn’t normal. You shouldn’t have to keep quiet in fear they’ll get mad. I know it’s really hard to realize it when you’re in the relationship, but emotional abuse is not ok and it does not get better. I think you should really think about your decision to marry With how things are right now. I wish you the best!

Post # 6
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am very hesitant at writing this post, please know that I do not mean to belittle your feelings and I’m very nervous about possibly offending but I feel that this needs to be said. Anyone with further information on this please comment if I say something wrong but please be nice as I’m trying my best. 

My understanding of emotional abuse is when your FI intentionally degrades or belittles you, for example, calls you names, controls who and when you talk to people, insults you and basically makes you feel worthless and like you are lucky that they even spend time with you. Does he do this? What you described sounds more to me like someone who isn’t good at isolating his emotions and not letting them effect those around him, not so much like emotional abuse. Many people need space and time to calm down after a hard day and can’t really tolerate questions. This is a trait that many people recognise as poor and they try to work on it. However, given his base issues it seems like that might take a while to improve. I 100%recommend counselling   together as a great way to discuss what he does when he is moody, how better you can both handle it (perhaps even so simply as him putting out a note/sign when he needs time alone that says “I love you, but I need time to myself right now. I will come talk to you when I feel better” this is then a clear sign to you that he loves you but just needs space and you can use that time to do something for yourself. It might avoid a lot unpleasant moments.) and the issues surrounding your engagement.

Normally I would tell him to suck it up and tell his parents but this is a special case give his past. Have you suggested perhaps taking it slow with his parents? Perhaps the next time you see them you/he could say “we’re thinking of getting married!” to plant the idea and show him that they are excited. You live together, it’s not like this will come as a huge shock to them.

I think that things here can be worked on. He has already improved so much, he sounds capable of continuing to learn the best ways to communicate.  

Post # 7
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think he definitely needs to see a therapist. His reaction kind of reminds me of the old line, “I wouldn’t join any club that would accept me as a member.”

 

i would also also ask, has he been this moody throughout your whole relationship? How has he gotten better, and how has he gotten worse? Do you want to put up with this moodiness the rest of your life?

 

also, what was the catalyst for your engagement? why did you two decide to get engaged? Who started that discussion?  Frankly, you having to buy your own ring and he not telling his parents within a year and a half makes me think that he is in no way planning to marry you. Sorry. I am not sure whether it is from your age or his, or whether it is completely not in his personality… But I don’t think I can see this ending in marriage.

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

anonbee8896:  Do not walk, run away from this man and a relationship where you are essentially his prisoner.  If he hasn’t announced it in 18 months and he demands that you hide your ring when you visit, it seems like you really aren’t engaged at all.  It will be difficult but you need to leave him and get some intensive counseling to build up your self esteem and confidence so you don’t think that this is the guy and relationship you deserve.  You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner loves you and wants to show you off to his family and can’t wait to set a wedding date as soon as possible.  You are worth way more than a guy that drags you around for 18 months and still can’t tell his parents about your engagement.  It’s unacceptable.

Post # 10
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

“Because there was no proposal, I bought the ring without consulting him and he won’t tell his parents about the engagement, I’m afraid that he’s not as committed as I am.”<br /><br />No, he’s not as committed as you are. It sounds like there’s a lot that needs to be worked out with a professional before you continue with the engagement.

Post # 11
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Therapy first, marriage later. This is not about the engagement, you both have issues to solve before commiting to eachother for the rest of your life. 

Post # 12
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

anonbee8896: healthy, loving relationships do not leave you feeling overwhelmed, confused and anxious. I agree with PP that you both should go to therapy to help you figure out your issues (separately and together).

Because there was no proposal, I bought the ring without consulting him and he won’t tell his parents about the engagement, I’m afraid that he’s not as committed as I am.<br /><br />You’re afraid he’s not as committed as you are because he isn’t. You’re committed to moving towards marriage, and he’s committed to letting you think you’re moving towards marriage with very little action on his part to confirm that course of action. Please be careful and kind to yourself. 

Post # 13
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

anonbee8896:  I definitely think that therapy/counselling is a must. If he’s not on board right now, go by yourself (and continue to have your own sessions without him, even if you begin couples therapy).

I don’t feel comfortable giving my advice on your relationship as I don’t have experience with people who have social phobias/anxiety etc. so I’m not sure what would work best for you, but I absolutely guarentee that a professional will be able to give you the advice and tools you need to figure out where to go next, how to help him and how to help yourself.

Depending on where you live, therapy sessions can be subsidised with a referral from your dr so speak to your GP 🙂

Wishing you all the best!

 

Post # 14
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

He sounds like my ex H.

My ex H hid his relationship with me from his parents/family…for 7 years.  He then hid the engagement for a year.  He refused to buy me an engagement ring as it ‘wasn’t a priority’…I also bought my own ring, and during that year had to hide it when we went to his parents.  I actually lost it in their house, never found it…

He was also very moody, and used to regularly pick fights in restaurants and just walk out, leaving me there like an idiot.  He also used to break my possessions when annoyed.   He didn’t have the excuse of social anxiety however, he was just an immature jerk. 

You ask if you are stupid for staying with him.  Sorry, but I’d have to answer yes to that.  Don’t be as stupid as me, I put up with my ex H for 15 years.  Get out now while you can, work on your own mental health.   My ex H has improved alot, but it took me leaving and nearly 20 years for him to get there.  I often wonder if it would have happened sooner if I hadn’t been around, enabling his bad behavour. 

Post # 15
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If he’s abusive in any way, your therapist should not be seeing you together.  Have you discussed this with him/ her?

And, no you should not be walking on egg shells in a relationship.  This one sounds truly toxic.

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