- 2 years ago
Hi bees. Going anon for this. I really need to vent and I need advice. This is going to be loooong, please bear with me.
FI and me got engaged 18 months ago. There was no proposal, but we had a discussion and decided that we’re going to marry and plan a wedding. We thus consider us engaged. FI is very frugal about money, so I went and bought myself a ring, and he didn’t object.
Some background: I’m the first serious relationship he’s EVER had, and he’s 25. He has severe social phobia and isolated himself for the major part of his childhood and adolescence. His parents were really worried. Things got better when he started college, he slowly learnt how to trust people and make friends. With me, he slowly learnt how to love, be passionate and having intimacy. I’ve made him grow a lot as a person, and his parents are so grateful to me for that.
But because of his anxiety and fear of his parents’ reaction to him having a serious, long-term relationship for the first time, it took him long to tell them that he was in a relationship with me. I was miffed, but I was patient. After almost 1,5 years, I finally got to meet them. They are amazing people, very kind and caring. Their reaction was “ooh, how exciting!”. Nothing unusual there.
But somehow he’s now afraid what their reaction would be if they found out that we’re getting married. So what he does is TELL ME TO TAKE MY RING OFF when we go visit them or they come visit us (we live together)! It’s not very often, but it still hurts me. Why can’t he abide by the engagement?
On top of all this, I feel emotionally abused sometimes. He has a tendency to get moody and sulky whenever he feels annoyed by someone or something, and he takes it out on me. He gets all grumpy and pissy. When I ask him to please be nice, he snaps “I don’t have the energy to try to be nice!” and “Don’t you think I try my best to be nice?” (eh no, I don’t, it’s not that damn difficult to lower your voice and stop snapping). He also sometimes shoos me away, waving impatiently, whenever I ask him something when he’s moody. I have to walk on eggshells in fear that he will snap at me or grow tired of me. I’m a very sensitive person with low self-esteem and have mental problems of my own, among them an irrational fear of being left. Sometimes I worry that he’ll leave me if I annoy him too much. Because there was no proposal, I bought the ring without consulting him and he won’t tell his parents about the engagement, I’m afraid that he’s not as committed as I am.
I resent him and am scared of losing him at the same time. I guess two mentally unstable people shouldn’t be in a relationship, heh. But that’s part of our connection. We understand each other so well. I’ve suggested counseling, and he was against it at first, but now he has agreed to a meeting with my therapist.
I’m so confused and sad. It’s eating me up. What am I supposed to do? Why can’t I stand up for myself to my own fiance? Why do I put up with all this when it makes me depressed and resentful? Am I stupid for staying with him and don’t giving up hope?
I feel so overwhelmed, confused and anxious…