- 7 years ago
Just a disclaimer: I know this post is going to make me look stupid in advance. He was my first love, even my first date. I was in a relationship with a man, his name is Sam, off and on for two years. It had always been a turbulent relationship. We would have a few months of stability and then pow, all of a sudden there would be an argument or drama or just randomness in which he would always break up with me. Throughout the two years he has done the following (a very brief run down):- Tried to sleep with me on the first date. I declined. Then he tried to ask me to take a shower with him right after I rejected him. I said no again. I went home. Upon me exiting his car, he stepped out too, didn’t give me a hug but handed me my books and said, “I’ll see you later, buddy.”- He then took out another girl (who had been married and very recently divorced) the next week and didn’t tell me about it. I found out from a mutual friend and when I confronted him he said he just wanted to be friends. I agreed to be just that. He kept in touch via AIM.- Two months later, he is rejected. Comes back to me. While we are casually dating but unofficial he sleeps with one of his close friend’s sisters on New Years. He knew she had always liked him, and was recently single. He later told her upon waking up to her the next day that there was no “spark”. That is the same excuse he gave me when he started taking out the other girl who rejected him. I held him responsible, because he kept trying to blame the alcohol. This is the first time he claimed he was going to cause himself harm as well as get insanely drunk. I went to his house, by foot, to stop him. I ended up staying the night (nothing happened) and went home the next day.- About a month later, I lost my virginity to him, and after that, I wanted to throw him out of my life because I felt that he had gotten what he wanted and that this was already unhealthy and that I ought to remove myself from the situation. He begged me to stay.- He started to come over and see me more often. He apologized and I forgave him. We began dating officially. He told me he loved me. At this point, we’d known each other for a total of five months.- Two months later, after love making he breaks up with me in his car citing his “hearts just not into this” and that he was “playing me”. I was pissed, asked how could he do that, was pretty much livid and upset and crying. I walked out of the car.- 3 days later he texts me about something random as if nothing had happened. I recall it was about the crazy Christian preachers on campus. He told me he missed me and that he made a mistake.- 2 months after that we break up again upon meeting his parents at their house. I was quiet and shy and didn’t know how to act or what to say. It didn’t work out in my favor. In addition, like I said, he had just broken up with me and had gotten back together with me only two months prior, not to mention my parents didn’t like him after that day because my mom was working on a huge dinner for him and then had to witness me coming home and crying. He called his brother a mooch, and I’d only known his brother for like two minutes so I thought that was highly rude. When I told him how I felt about the situation, I got verbally assaulted and stepped out of the car to avoid further conflict. I figured we could talk in the morning. Instead, he dumped me via facebook and also sent me a long message and changed his facebook status to say how happy he is to be single. When I tried to talk to him about it, he deleted me, and then later in the day readded me.- I’ll spare you the rest of the details of that, but like I said constant back and forth ness. Breaking up and coming right back, passive aggressive facebook posts were his specialty. Of course after we broke up the first time, it didn’t matter what I did, I could never be accepted. I spent the rest of the year and a half being avoided by his family. They did not want to hang out with me, they did not want me coming up there, and even though I bought them Christmas gifts and brought them gifts from my Bosnia trip and stuff, I was never allowed up there again. The hatred his family felt for me was huge, and I’d only met them once. It broke my heart, because I genuinely liked them.- Other situations that happened: I got his youngest brother a Christmas gift and on Christmas Sam called me to tell how much he was enjoying his gift after he had unwrapped it. I was delighted! Then, I went over to see him the next week and was upset to see the gift for his brother (One of them anyway) was still in his closet, so he had never even unwrapped it like I was told! When I confronted Sam about it, he told me he had just forgotten it. This made me furious because he had just called me on the phone to tell me a week prior about how much his brother enjoyed the gift! He finally confessed that he had taken the gift out of the bag and put it aside in his closet because he wasn’t certain he would be able to afford his brother a gift for his birthday in January. He could have just told me. I would have have helped him. I always do.- He threw me out of his car in a cemetery making me walk home in the middle of the night with a 30 pound backpack on my back after calling him a hypocrite. He says he hates suicidal people, but funny thing is, he constantly is suicidal. That’s what started the argument and why he threw me out, because I told him he was being hypocritical and that he needed to let the suicide of his grandmother go as it happened over 18 years ago. I’m not sure if he really is suicidal, but he certainly acts it to get his way, I think. It seems every time there was a major problem he’d use suicide to make me forget about the problem and worry about his health. He left to go play trivia with his friends. I arrived home safely, no thanks to him. I told myself then I would never forgive him but sure enough I did.
After our last break up for which I was accused of cheating, he started seeing the girl he originally left me for again, behind my back. This was while he was telling me he still loved me and wanted to work on getting back together but needed time. He was trying to sleep with me at the same time. I found out about it and called him out on it. It all happened when he had gotten injured while on a date with her and couldn’t move his legs, so I went to see him to massage his legs and bring him food and feed him. He asked about my love life, I didn’t have much to say as it was nonexistent. When I asked about his, he immediately got defensive and didn’t want to have the discussion. I then immediately knew it was her. I said it’s Tricia isn’t it? He couldn’t look me in the eye. He was looking down and refused to make eye contact. He had promised two years ago she was a mere mistake and that he’d never try to see her again. I couldn’t believe it. Also, it would be one thing if he were proud and didn’t feel like he’d done something wrong, but he wasn’t like that. Not making eye contact is a huge alert to me. I told him he was an asshole and unforgiveable. All this time he had told me she was just a mistake and that he loved me and never would see her again, but obviously that was a lie. He told me he was suicidal when we made contact, that he was sitting outside of a gun shop and I got an angry inbox facebook message from his younger brother saying this isn’t fatal attraction and that I’m a horrible person and have no semblance of a good soul within me. It was harsh. I told him he only met me once, that this dude was trying to sleep with me while sleeping with other girls behind my back and I’m not responsible for his actions, he is. I was so sick of the suicidal bullshit. Again, I went out of my way to calm Sam down. The next week, Sam asked me to go to the mall, and told me he was in fact still seeing this girl and that’s why he couldn’t be with me too, he didn’t want to not date. This was unacceptable to me. I said for someone so suicidal and remorseful to still be seeing her… it just made me angry. I mean he had just put a knife to his chest and was sitting outside of a gun shop the PRIOR week supposedly out of guilt! I told him he’d just end up getting rejected again. Sure enough, he was.
Recent NewsAt that point I had decided to leave for Europe for a month and a half. I thought it would be good for me, and I wanted to visit my family and clear my head. Sam tried to make me pledge myself to him before I left, whatever that meant. I think he meant that he wasn’t going to see other people and that I shouldn’t either. Though I didn’t hook up with anyone, I did develop crushes while I was there, and there were people who did try to win my heart and steal it from him. I wore his shirt every night, but I wanted to tell myself the odds of us working out were slim to none, and a pledge is a relationship but we weren’t in one. You can’t pretend to have a relationship, so I did see other people. As far as I know Sam didn’t, at least according to his roommates, but come on, give me a break, just because he wasn’t bringing anyone to the house where they were staying doesn’t mean that he wasn’t seeing other people. Honestly, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t. If he wasn’t going out of his way to actively date people while I was away, he most likely was at least contacting them among other means like Facebook and flirting, how else would he know be with this rebound girl who he had never ever mentioned before to me in the two years we dated? Sam knew what was going on in Europe and he claimed to be understanding and knew why I was doing what I was doing (dating). (This would later be revealed as a lie because on returning, he did verbally yell at me for it.) Anyway the point of dating was, I’ve always loved this man. I’ve always put all my eggs in his basket. A lot of my happiness relied on him and what he did, and I didn’t like that. He was writing to me everyday while I was away, saying he couldn’t wait until I got back, going on and on about marriage. (He has been talking about marriage for months, and he brought it up the first time too, not me.) I wanted to believe what he said but I went out and had fun anyway, because I wanted to prepare myself for the worst and not end up hurt.I returned from my trip to Europe and was welcomed by rose petals and an engagement ring catalog. The first few weeks were great. We were buying bridal magazines together too.Then when I said we suggest we make it facebook official he hesitated (which he did a lot, and even hesitated to make the relationship known, which was awful), and he didn’t want to do it. What upsets me about that, is there was a time he had no issue making it known we were together. He finally obliged this go round and we did make it official, for merely four hours… and thats when he called me.He called me crying on his work break saying he was suicidal and depressed and that he wasted my time for two years that he couldn’t date right now and was a loser. He said his life wasn’t going anywhere and that he was broken person.I wanted to get mad at him and give him a piece of my mind, but a different emotion took over. I think I’d get so upset in the past that I just knew what the end result would be if I kept acting the same way. I was just bored with the situation. I was bored with being tired, I was bored with giving it my all and getting no results, I was bored with the idea that no matter what I did he would abuse me and do this, I was bored with the idea I’d never be accepted or at least even respected as a person by his family. I told him it was all okay and that if that’s how he felt he needed therapy and that things would get better and that we tried. I really was nice to him. I told him he needed help with his issues and he asked me to call his sister to tell him about his suicide issues because he was too ashamed to talk about it, and so I did sobbingly, so she knew some of the things he had done to me at that point. I talked to her she said she talked to him, but he never told me what they discussed or what had happened. So I don’t even know what happened with that.
I started to see other people and he didn’t like it one bit, was trying to hang out all the time, kissing me, trying to sleep with me… I never knew where I stood with Sam.We got in a fight because I was single and I wanted to kiss this guy I knew from class but Sam wouldn’t allow it, he’d freak out and I told him unless he was going to be for real I was going to do what I wanted… I mean his insecurity and uncertainty shouldn’t keep me trapped with him. I was single and was free to do what I wanted. Shit or get off the pot, so to speak.Well… he asks me to go to the mall with him because he wanted to be “friends” but when we got there he kept telling me about how sexy I look and trying to kiss me and I told him to be appropriate and he got mad and took me home. We literally had a verbal altercation at the mall because I started crying when he kept trying to hold my hand because I felt like he was just pushing me into a horrible friends with benefits situation that he has tried before. Every time we break up he tries to blur the line of friendship and relationship and keeps trying to act like nothing happened and nothing changed and it was an issue to me. He knew that. I always made that known but he never did anything about it.That night Steven asked me out. Steven is my now ex boyfriend, but we dated for two months. We broke up due to financial constraints. We met online and after two years of talking we decided to meet. Steven never liked Sam… he’s known of Sam since the beginning and just thought he had issues and was bad to me and he said he’d treat me better that he loved me and always has and that he’d rather be with me and help me get over Sam than leave me all to myself.The same night I go out with Steven, Sam immediately calls right after the date.He asks how it went, goes on about how worried he was for me and I told him it went fine but that I was being objective and was hoping he’d ask me out on a second date. The conversation ended there but he called me the next day too when I was online. When we’d gone to the mall I’d bought some push up bras and some other clothes and he wanted to see how the bras fit and then called me and was like… is it wrong that I still fantasize about you? I want you here right now, and so I was forced to tell him AGAIN to be appropriate, that I was, in fact, dating someone else, and that it was his idea to be friends and thus, he should act like one. I told him to go take a shower and go to bed like he originally said he was going to do. He got off the phone rather pouty. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day, a rarity considering he usually texts and calls a million times a day.
The next day I get a phone call and he’s all like hey baby, hey button, how are you? he was all telling me he loved me and then all of a sudden he started going on about how when he woke up the night prior after his nap there was this girl in his phone from way back (who I had never heard about since the two years I’d known him, and he never mentioned any run in with her), and he just thought he’d go ahead and give her a call and ask her out to a beer. (He decided to include the fact he paid for all that, which kinda upset me because I was always under the impression he was poor, and I paid for everything in the relationship, basically). And he just went on and on about her, her accomplishments, what she wanted to do in life. This was literally a week after his suicide talk and break up talk, which was odd. I told him that I loved Steven and was going to be with Steven, and that he should totally pursue this new girl because he seemed very happy when he talked about her, and hell, if he was so depressed with me, he should totally be in happier territory. I told him I was happy that both of us found new people to enjoy and could move on and still be friends. He said “You don’t have to tell me to pursue it, I’m going to” and I said, well that’s good, that’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you and I’m going to support you. All of a sudden he has to get off the phone. I ask about his belongings and his xmas gifts for his family still lodged in my room. He said he would get the items when he felt like it.
I told him kindly good bye, and didn’t hear from him for two days. On the third day, he deleted me from facebook. I texted him inquiring about why he deleted me. I told him via text message that I noticed what he had done and asked if he ever actually wanted to be friends in the first place. I said I wasn’t mad at him, but if he wanted me out of his life that I would support that. I told him I just wanted to see him happy and that he’d always be so so special to me. No response.
At this point, I’m kind of worried he could have gotten hurt, there could have been a family crisis, he could have in a moment of depression slashed his wrists, I didn’t know and so I was concerned for his well-being- and then something weird happened- he started untagging me from all our photos together during this first week of silence. Then during the second week of no contact I definitely knew he was alive because he started commenting after me whenever I would post on any mutual friends wall. It was always literally right after me, and he would never address me, but all his comments would be right after me, and it was just odd. The third week of no contact, I’m randomly blocked by him on facebook. I had been cleaning out old inbox messages from him and literally as I was clearing them out, his picture dissapeared and his name went black, which is what happens when you’re blocked. So at this point, I’m kind of upset, but I decided to approach the situation with kindness.
I tried calling him via phone to discuss closure and returning one another’s belongings, and all he did was let the phone ring and ring and ring. I figured calling him once was calling enough and not to overdo it. So, knowing I was being purposefully ignored, I decided to allow my intentions to be known via text. I asked him for closure. I said I had his belongings and would have liked to arrange a way to return them either via mail or mutual friend and would like to request my picnic basket back (it was expensive, I’d been planning this amazing picnic and the picnic basket had to be perfect. I finally found it, purchased it, and Sam and I had left it in his closet, and he knowing how I’d always wanted one and the importance of it to me, began planning a date for a picnic with me). Again, I am ignored and receive no response. I just didn’t understand why he was acting like this.
I took matters into my own hands and called his best friend Brad. Brad came down to visit me, I cried about the way I was being treated, and told him I didn’t want to throw away Sams treasured belongings so I asked him to return them for me, and he agreed.
At this point, my best friend though, Jessica, is angry as hell, because this guy is ignoring me, and refuses to return my belongings. She goes over to his house of her own free will trying to get my items returned to me. He wasn’t home, but one of his roommates, who looked pissed by the way, was. She asked him to leave a message for Sam to contact her so that they may arrange a swap so that I may get my items back. Well, he never contacted her, making me get my items back an increasing unnessesarily difficult process.
I will say though, that the next day, I did get a facebook message from his little sister who is 18 and lives with him. She sent it at nine am keep in mind Sam is 26 years old. She said “You need to leave Sam alone, Diane. He doesn’t want to talk to you and he means it. And stop sending people to the house. This needs to stop, and you should probably cut ties with his friends because it’s just going to make it harder for you to move on. I’m not saying this because I’m angry, I’m saying this because it needed to be said. I wish you the best”.
I informed her, all of this could have been solved through a text message, that this was extended and dramatized. I informed her that it was Sams idea to be “friends”, and to excuse me if I thought I’d treat him as such, show him care, respect, and be concerned and ask about his well-being or that I’d expect similar treatment from him. I told her he’s 26 and should fight his own battles, and she knows from that past phone call that I’d been done with him for some time. I informed her that the same day he started seeing this new girl was the same day I rejected him for sex for about the 7th time at that point, and at this point we hadn’t had sex in a month. (Which is fucked up, from what I understand he is now seriously seeing this rebound girl). I told her I loved Steven and was in healthier territory but that all I wanted were my items back. I told her it’s common when people break up to return one anothers belongings, in fact, that it’s only right to do so. I also told her the situation was being blown out of proportion, that no one intends anything bad, and that everyone should just calm down, be happy, and move on. I told her I wished no ill will on anyone, and genuinely felt sorry for Sam. I told her he needed some serious help, and that therapy does help. I am in therapy myself.
I asked her if there was some way we could arrange a friend to come pick up my items, and I never received a response. The next week, I received a phone call from Sams best friend, Brad, again. He told me that Sams crazy about this girl, he wants everyone to meet her, and that his sister likes her too, and he then started talking about me, even though Brad didn’t bring me up… Brad told me that Sam said that he DIDNT have my picnic basket (which pissed me off… Sam could have texted me that and said hey I don’t have your picnic basket, and I don’t think we can be friends please leave me alone, but he didn’t or his sister could have said that when she wrote me the message saying he didn’t have it ). He then said he blocked me because he didn’t want to keep having an off and on romance and felt that if he didn’t block me it’d only be a matter of time before one of contacted the other and it would lead to sex and the on and off romance again (which is funny because I was refusing to have sex with him and had done so for near a month at that time.) and all the drama (which is funny because I only broke it off once. He was the one who kept doing it repeatedly, getting back together and changing his mind randomly…and he was the one perpetuating the drama all I wanted was to make sure he was okay, and that he got his things and that i got my things, and here he was ignoring me and being mean, and outright passive aggressive). He said he was indifferent to me altogether. And he also said, he came to realize that for at least right now we can’t be friends. And I’m LIKE RIGHT NOW?? It’s like that means he’ll be trying to re-enter my life later on. And it was his idea to be friends, if he changed his mind all he had to do was say so. (and even if he did re- enter my life, I highly doubt he could just be friends. He’d probably have romantic intention.) What on Earth after everything he did would make him think that it would even be remotely FEASIBLE to be friends? For all I know, maybe he’s pissed at me for moving on because he was trying to make me jealous, figured he’d go ahead and settle for the other girl, and now has me blocked in hopes I never know her name or ever contact her or she finds a way to contact me because he’s kinda crazy and was kinda a douche bag and he’d never want anyone he’s dating to know of the things he’s done.
This was what it should have looked like… I would have asked him if he wanted me out of his life… he would have said yes, I would ask why, he would give a bullshit response, I’d call bullshit and leave, the end. How the situation got blown out of proportion is beyond me.
So, at this point, I tell Brad… well his sister never responded, and Sam says he doesn’t have the basket so it’s water under ththe bridge at this point and I said what I needed to say. I told him I had my answers, and at that point, I left the entire issue alone.
It had been about oh 10 days since Brad called me to tell me that Sam said he didn’t have my basket anymore, and I get home from work one day and lo and behold… wrapped in two plastic garbage bags to keep the rain away and on my doorstep is my picnic basket. He had it all along. He probably remembered my schedule and left it on my doorstep exactly when I wouldn’t be home. At that point, I had just let the issue go. But when I saw it on my doorstep, I got a little bit upset, because he’d lied. I mean I told his sister I wanted it so that I could have a romantic one month anniversary picnic with Steven who I was in love with, and at this point, it’d been way past our anniversary, so I don’t know if he did that on purpose or what?
I mean, what do you think… do you think he left it there because he felt guilty a bit and ashamed for being a jerk, or do you think he’s trying to be controlling and keep him in my head so that I don’t forget him when he tries to re-enter my life? Do you think he did that with the picnic basket on purpose? And why do you think he would do all this when I told him to move on and told him I loved Steven? It’s a immature, weird, and random way to react, and after all, sam had left me in the first place anyway. I just don’t know what to think.
I have had run ins with him three times now twice on our college campus and once at the mall yesterday. As I was pulling into the mall parking lot with my friend and Sam was leaving the mall with his sister. I saw them and made my friend turn the opposite way to avoid them altogether. Two days prior, I’d run into his sister who had made brief eye contact with me, but then looked away and didn’t greet me. As far as Sam goes, I was just leaving the therapists office when I ran into him. I was walking down some stairs and I’m certain he saw me. Of course he didn’t say hi or anything like a decent, civil human being would. He made eye contact and then immediately shifted his eyes, looked straight down on the ground, as if he had dropped something then did what I call the itch lol. It’s when you raise your arm over your face and run your head into it as if you got a sudden itch you needed to scratch, and he just kept going. It’s weird how I keep running into him now all the time when while we were dating we never ran into one another ever. He almost looked ashamed, and I just kept my eyes on him the whole time, even when his back was turned to me. Anyway, that was a horrible, horrible relationship. It’s been four months since that last action.
With every day that’s passed by I’ve gotten stronger and better about things. Earlier in the week, however, I did have something of a mental breakdown.
Anyway that really upset me so that’s basically was my very first relationship that spanned a few years. i think it’s made me really weary about love. I don’t understand why or how someone can treat someone else that way and just drop them out of the blue as well as refuse and lie about giving back their belongings. But like I said, I’m in therapy, I just think this healing process is taking longer than I thought it would or ought to, especially when the guy was a jerk!