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While I think it's great that women have come so far in society, I sometimes resent the fact that some people think it's crazy to be a housewife/ stay at home mom. I am getting married in aug. I am 23, and in about 2 years or maybe even less I would love to ttc. My fiance makes ok money and may be about to snag a 40k a year base pay job. Currently we cannot live on one income. It's not that I don't wanna work now, I just don't want to when I become pregnant. I was unemployed for a few months a while back, and I LOVED the satisfaction of cleaning and cooking etc. I just felt fulfilled. I mean I really felt HAPPY. Now I just feel chaotic... I work 40+ hrs a week and I can't get anything done around the house. I HATE IT, When my house is a mess... my whole life feels like its a mess! I am not lazy... I have been working constantly (besides the few months) since I graduated hs. I have discussed with fi the importance of being a stay at home mom, yet I kinda feel like he doesn't understand. He tries to be supportive though... lol. does anyone else feel like this? I have like, this guilt of not being the super career oriented, work and be soccer mom chick feeling. Like, I'm looked down upon for wanting to just focus on home and family. I don't know, what do you guys think? Anyone else get these feelings? ):
YES!! This is me! I've felt like this since I can remember and I'm 29! I don't get any fulfillment from careers/jobs and I have a top degree and a masters. Being at home cooking and cleaning and looking after everything is much more important and just feels 'right' to me. It's so hard to explain as many women think I'm anti-feminist if I say that which I'm not, it's just the way I feel.
I think a lot of people would like to stay home!!!! My concern is being able to provide for yourself. You never know what the future holds & holding onto skills & developing them is very important. I understand the desire but I am older & see how it has played out for my BFF. She was lost for a few years after her daughter was born. She felt like her husband was working so hard to support the family financially but she wasn't. Not that she wasn't working but that he was burdened. She started a part time job last summer & she feels like she's gotten her identity back & I haven't seen her this happy in years.
I have a great job but always say my personal life is #1. My SO agree that me working PT when we have kids is what's best for our family. We agree & both feel happy about it.
In the end, we do what makes sense for our lives & family. Don't force this on your FI- he will resent you. Next thing you know you'll be hiding money & having to verbally detail every item on your Target receipt. True story.
Me too. I've wanted to do that as far back as I can remember. I've always thought about different careers but none of them really suit me as much as I'd like them to. My two top choices would be housewife or author. I can't write good stories to save my life, haha, so that's out. Other than that though, there's just nothing I'm super interested in as far as a career and sometimes I feel bad about it because other girls have these huge dreams and I want nothing more than to care for my family. Right now, FI and I are both in the military, it's a good gig as it has really good benefits and we get steady paychecks... but it's just not ME. The benefits are great but I don't really enjoy it. I'd much rather stay at home and clean and take care of him and have dinner on the table when he gets home.
I always really wanted a job where I could work for myself and stay home and not go into an office every day...office life sucks the life out of me! I did have a chance to be a "housewife" back when I was laid off for a while and it was fun for a while but actually got boring.
But I don't think it's anti-feminist at all! Part of feminism (to me lol) is giving women the freedom to make choices! If your choice is having a career, that's cool! If your choice is to be a homemaker, that's cool too!
I love the fact WE HAVE A CHOICE! That is what women fought for, that we could have a choice. If finances would allow, I would 100% CHOOSE to be a stay-at-home Mum. After the (not-yet-made) kids go to school I may choose to work or may choose not to. FI is of the same opinion and has said that he would love to be able to earn enough for this to become a reality.
Feminism in my eyes is about being able to choose. And I don't see staying at home as being a poke in the eye to this. Women tend to be very negative of the choices of other women, and it makes me sad. We should support one another and see eacho ther's choice as a positive thing.
Please add a poll to this - I think it would be so intersting to see what people's views are.
I became a SAHM at age 24. It was never my plan, but that's what happened and I quickly realized how much I love it. I watched my friends struggle with going back to work and leave their infants with daycare and I was so grateful I didn't have to. My daughter had health problems as a newborn, so my husband and I both decided I'd stay home for the first year.
Financially it was a struggle at times! But as she began to grow up, we both saw the benefits in it, at least for our family and her. So I just really didn't go back (except for one random part time job). Ultimately I have the time to bring her to school, pick her up, stay with her on days she is sick. I can drive her anywhere she needs to go, I have time to devote to the house, I cook and clean and do all the shopping. If my husband needs something on his way home from work I can run out and get it no problem. If I feel like taking my daughter out for a girl's lunch and a trip to the library, we can do it and I'm not trying to work it in on my day off.
It's NOT for everyone, some women would never want to do what I do. For us it was the right choice, but it's just something you have to determine on your own. Just know that a lot of women make this choice and love it!
I don't think there's anything wrong at all with it! Like another poster said, feminism is about choice. And if you have kids, that's a job in and of itself, probably a much harder job than your husband has (now, I do have this one friend who's in med school and has a lazy bum fiance that wants to be a "stay at home husband...with no kids." Not sure how I feel about that one...). It's not for me personally because I tend to get depressed when I don't have much to do and I clean and cook REALLY fast and don't really have that much to clean right now since I'm in a tiny apartment and don't have kids, but there's nothing wrong with it as long as y'all can support yoursleves on one income.
*raises hand!!!
I had said this multiple times to DH throughout our dating years....not sure if he ever realized how serious I was about it! I hope it can work out for us.....TTC is a few years off yet, but I would love nothing more than to stay home with our kids. Although I would definitely consider something part-time or more when they are little......maybe full-time when they are all in school.
My mom was a SAHM (but we did run a dairy farm, so it was still a lot of work, but we were all there together), and I would just love that as well.
At the very least, if I could just become more of work-from-homer (taking a pay cut) so I'm not paying out the nose for daycare and spending so much time away from our baby, I'd be much happier than being a 9-5er.
YES!! My DH thinks I want to be a stay at home mom because I'm lazy. To which he usually gets the death stare from me. We don't have kids yet and aren't TTC, but he doesn't get what it means to me and how much work is involved in just running the house. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I've never been career oriented. Some kids say they will grow up and be an astronaut, I said I was going to be a mom.
@hisgoosiegirl: DH is the same way! I told him countless times throughout our 6 years of dating. And now that we're married he kindda gives me this "uh you were serious?" type response.
I absolutely agree. I have way too much education/debt to not work (and too much earning potential, probably), but I think being a homemaker would be really great. I definitely want to do it for awhile when we have kids.
@yellowshoe: When I was a teen, I dreaded 'growing up' and having to go to work every day. Now that I'm here.....it's not as bad as I thought (most days) but I still know it'd be torture if I were dropping my baby off at daycare every day. I actually get really sad every time a new mom comes back after 6 weeks and is always so depressed-looking those first couple weeks.
I've told DH I know we can make it work! And I will, dangit! If I could bake decently, I'd totally start a little bakery out of my place, but alas, no such thing will be happening for me, lol!
I consider myself so lucky that I've been able to stay home (the small firm I was working for crashed with the economy), and eventually transition into working from home. It's amazing. I'm looking forward to having kids one day and being able to be home with them as well. Some days are really busy between 2 work-from-home jobs, but I really thrive in it. I love being able to take a break to go to the grocery store, or snuggle a kitty if they're harassing me for love ;) It's absolutely ideal for DH and I (and the cats apparently). Some days I feel a little odd man out with all my 9-5 friends, but I wouldn't trade this for anything! So long as we can sustain it, I'm going to keep doing it :)
ETA - I have a university degree and a college diploma. I value each of those for shaping me into who I am today, and I think they helped prepare me in a lot of different ways for what I do now :)
@bakerella: what kind of work do you do from home? everything I see is either baking, Etsy, or some type of other crafty thing....which won't work for me, lol!
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be SAHM. Nothing wrong at all. Just make sure you and FI are on the same page about for when and how long. Some people have very different ideas about how long (i.e. you talk about stopping work while pregnant he may be thinking more after you deliver). Communication is SOO important in declaring expectations. Also, you want to make sure that as family unit you can afford to live off of 1 income without stirring resentment from hubby.
@hisgoosiegirl: Exactly! I think it's because I worked at a Boys and Girls club with the pre-kindergarten kids during my summer years of college. Having the kids call ME mommy because they spent more time with me than their moms' broke my heart. It was sad to hear that when their parents picked them up they went home, ate dinner, and went to bed. I told DH I'm willing to work part time or pick up odd end jobs here and there to help out financially, but we could make it work if we cut back on the luxury goods. But he's not willing to budge AT ALL. He grew up with a very privileged life and the thought of not having a DVR in every room or heck cable tv makes him want to die.
@yellowshoe: ugh, DH and I definitely talked about it....and I can definitely see how our upbringings affect it. He was at a babysitters, and then when he got older, he was home by himself all summer. I know it was very lonely for him (his brothers were quite a bit older) so he mostly played video games. But yeah, he probably puts more value on things like tv, cable, than I do. And I can see now, the relationship with his parents is much more 'formal'...not sure about that word, than I am with mine. It's like my family all knows each other better than his does. (not bashing here, just noticing a different dynamic)
We'll see though - I've said the same thing, I'd love to get into something part-time that I REALLY love and doesn't feel like work. Happy Medium!
Just out of curiosity, do you plan on being a stay home mom when your children are in school full days? Or is this the plan while they are under 5? I think I would love to take off the first 2 years and raise my children when the time comes. I also feel like once they're in nursery school and pre-school, that I would want to go back to work. My mom stayed home with my sister and I until I was almost 12, and my sister was 9, which I personally feel was a very long time to stay home. How long do you all want to be home for?
@WantToBeM.E.: I would want to do so at least until everyone is in school. But then, I think I'd only want to be part-time (as in school hours) so I'd still have some time to keep up with the house, whatever activities kids are in, and errands. So when everyone IS home, we can spend time together.
My secret hope is that I'll stumble on to something while I'm baby-raising that can turn into something when they are in school...similar to those who start baking and turn it into a business.
ME! :) I have had jobs before, and right now I'm in school majoring in education... but I love staying home, and taking care of everything : )
Right now, I guess I would be a SAHF (stay at home fiancee) since I'm not working right now. I just dread it (working). I don't know why. I would just HATE going to any of my jobs- of course when I had to, I did. But I am sooo lucky now that FI makes enough money so that I can concentrate on school and other things. I do sometimes feel bad because he works two jobs, but he's been doing that since before I left my last job (and honestly, he goes there from 5-9pm and sits at the tuxedo desk and watches the TV since they're so slow at that time!) He really doesn't mind, and he loves that I'm happier without the stresses of jobs I hated going to
Although- I do worry that friends/family might look down on it since they're all career minded. I started school later than my friends, and they are all graduated with jobs while I'm still working on my Associates. My father also thinks that I need to be out there making money to be happy in life or successful. I think he doesn't want my FI to think I'm mooching off of him, which he never ever thinks.
@hisgoosiegirl: Etsy, my position here at WB, and I'm actually talking with a company about doing their social media as well. Cuz you know, three jobs is what I've always dreamed of, LOL!!! But it's all stuff that I love, so it's honestly not even like working :)
@hisgoosiegirl: Oh and I also help friends plan showers/parties every now and then, but that's not something I really ask or want to be paid for, I just enjoy doing it. I'm doing a first birthday party in a couple weeks and I'm so excited!
@bakerella: wait, does the Bee pay you? cause if they do, I need to get on that, stat!
I wonder if there's anything I could do on Etsy.....
Really the only thing I've discovered so far that I really like to do was making my parents' wedding albums on adoramapix. A co-worker liked it so much she asked what I was doing working here and not doing that, lol!
I did yearbook in college (and was darn good if I say so myself - we won national awards) and loved it....so the album was a similar concept. I don't actually have any training in it, so I'm not sure how I could turn it into anything useful (and profitable)!
ETA: I also liked wedding planning......and would probably love something like that too - helping someone plan or work on projects for their wedding. Le sigh.
@hisgoosiegirl: It definitely has a lot to do with different upbringings! Although both our moms were stay at home moms, mine actually STAYED AT HOME. MIL was always out golfing or traveling with FIL or what not so DH was raised a lot by his grandmother and the TV and nintendo. hmm..this could explain his addiction to video games even now!
My biggest dream and aspiration in life is to be a stay at home wife/mom. I am so afraid that it may never happen because of the cost of living here on Long Island. At the very least, I want to stay home while any children I may have are not old enough for school...fuck paying thousands of dollars for strangers to raise my children!
@hisgoosiegirl: When I took on the Community Coordinator position, it was as a part time job, not volunteer based like our hostess/moderation team. I think I use up all my hours in 2 days rather than a week though so the bulk of my time here is definitely volunteer and sheer enjoyment ;)
There's a lot of "supplies" on Etsy, maybe you could scour local auctions or consignment shops for things like vintage beads or brooches to resell?
i think i've spent the last 13 years working to support myself that it would be hard to suddenly rely on someone else for EVERYTHING. and i can't imagine if my SO was working 2 jobs and i was full capable of working, but chose to stay home and didn't even have kids.
i was raised by a single mom who worked hard as a nurse and reminded me all the time that you NEVER know what can happen- death, divorce... i'm not saying one is better than the other, but i know what's best for me.
i'm not sure how many of us LIKE going to a job everyday (tho, i do have the best job ever, with a super flexible schedule and no need to go to an office everyday), but we do it because. i can't imagine letting someone else be wholly responsible for me, having no financial freedom just so i can make sure my toilets are clean!!!!
This is so completely me to a T. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home wife/mom. I left my job and it took me about 3 months to find a new one, and the whole time I was home and it was AWESOME! I loved it. It would have been even more fulfilling if I actually had kids around. I dreaded going back to work. Unfortunately we NEED my income. He doesn't make enough for the both of us, let alone kids. I hope that can change in the future, because I really really want to stay home with the kids. It makes me so much more happy than going to any kind of job. And I don't even have a pointless job!
@relaxedabout it: I don't think that's the point of this post. Most of us are aware of the things you are saying.
oooh me!!! :) I love being a social worker, and I'm furthering my studies to be a sex therapist. But once we have kids, I'm staying at home until I feel comfortable to go back to work. Could be three years, could be 10, hell, i might decide never to leave home at all. This was discussed with FI of course, and he thinks it's a great idea.
I know it will be more difficult financially, but FI and I agree that we'd rather be poor than have someone else raise our children. And as OP said, if the house is a mess i feel my whole life is a mess! so being at home would definitely give me more time for housework.
@bakerella: hmmmmm those are good ideas........luckily I have a few more years to think this all through with DH.
Although if I got paid for all my time on the Bee, DH and I could retire tomorrow as millionaires, LOL!
I am a degree holding stay at home fiancee right now and I love it! There is still discussion as to whether I will get a job for the next couple years, but once we have kids I will be staying at home with them. I am expecting to get a job only for a few months to help pay for the wedding and stay home after that. I am the happiest that I have ever been in my life, and I get so much more fulfillment from taking care of my home and my family than I could ever get from a job.
@relaxedabout it: When you start a family with someone, you should do what is best for your family overall. I didn't go into wife and motherhood planning for the impending death and divorce. Most people who choose this feel that the risks outweigh the benefits and for us it definitely has.
I think whatever works best for each individual is great! I used to think I would be too bored to be a SAHM, but not I am really looking forward to it (not for a few years though!)
lol, apparently I have strong feelings on this today.....must be all the new babies my friends/family are having, and the fact that it's a dreary FRIDAY(!!!!) and I wanted nothing more than to sleep in for an extra hour this morning!
@hisgoosiegirl: LOL! Me too! Believe me!!! I think Internet Brands is on to me though ;) LOL! I figure if you follow your heart, the right things will come to you. That's entirely what's happened to me. I haven't really sought out any of what I do, it's just sort of "happened", at the risk of sounding new age, it was sort of organic, lol!
I know how you feel. I really like my job, but I do one day want to be a full time mom and house wife. I feel like its so much more fulfilling work. Luckily my FI and I both believe strongly in the traditional family model.
Having someone at home can save money. My dad put it best when my parents got divorced. He noted that he was now required to pay my mom to help support her, but he thought it was unfair that he got no support after getting divorced. For years he had someone cleaning his house, going grocery shopping, minding the children, cleaning his clothes, and so much more that helped him further his career and save money, and he lost that, but he doesn't get any compensation. :P
My mother stayed home until I was around 14 and it made SUCH a difference in my life. Coming home to a clean house, dinner prepared, sometimes even fresh baked goods, and really just HAVING someone at home when I got there. It was definitely not as nice once my mom started working and I started coming home to an empty and cluttered house. I do think it is best for children to have one parent stay at home.
I will not become a stay at home mom until I'm well, a mom though lol. So that is still a few years away.
@bakerella: yeah, that's what I'm hoping, and what kind of happened for my mom. We went organic and the company really liked our farm and my mom now does a lot of events and PR work as a 'real-life farmer' that they pay her for and is a nice break from the farm. She's just a high-school grad, no PR training or experience.....it just fit for her. Something like that would be really nice.
@hisgoosiegirl: i'm entitled to my opinion, which is that OP is expecting someone who seems reluctant about it to take care of her while she stays home instead of contributing. to quote: I have discussed with fi the importance of being a stay at home mom, yet I kinda feel like he doesn't understand.
in the end, we all do things differently. i just look at the world as someone who sees that things can change abruptly and if my SO dies in some tragic accident in 10 years, i won't have to worry about trying to get into the workforce with no skills or experience. i think that just because i am in a relationship does not mean i don't have to be responsible for myself anymore. AGAIN- this is how i feel about me, myself & i.
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