Please do not marry him. You should be as close to 100% sure as possible. If you have doubts, it is your gut telling you something. The gut is always right.
IMO, you can't KNOW someone in a year - just give it a couple more months (years, whatevs) then reevaluate the situation
Well one solution would be to not set a date anytime soon. Since you don't want to break up with him that would give you time to work things thru in your head. A long engagement may be your answer. Another thing to do would be to see a gifted counselor to help you figure out the real issues. My hunch though is something about this guy is making you uneasy and you should always listen to your gut.
You are very young and you really haven't been together all that long. It seems as if he's pressured you into this.
If he won't give you more time to be "sure", then maybe you should consider getting out of this relationship.
My issue isn't how long you've been with him: many happy bees got engaged in less than a year (I'm going to be one of them) and have had long lasting relationships. The issue here is that you've KNOWN pretty much your whole relationship that it's not right for you.
You shouldn't have said yes if you've always had doubts. Big no-no.
I can only base this on my own experience, but I think if you've only been engaged ONE day and you're already having doubts, it's not right! I couldn't think about anything but how excited I was to marry my hubby when we were engaged! You two have not been dating that long...and you're both still quite young! I think that you should take a step back and let him know you're not ready for marriage.
This doesn't necessarily mean that he is the wrong person for you or you aren't a great couple. But you definitely need to address your concerns and anxieties before you go any further. I would advise couple's counseling, as well as individual counseling. Maybe start with the individual to help you explore and identify some of your fears and concerns, which will then make it easier to decide what to do - get married, work on things and see, or split up.
You are very smart to seek advice and support now, rather than six months after you are married when you are wanting a divorce. It's totally cliche to say that if it is meant to be, then it will be. But I think that if he really loves you, he will be supportive of you working through your fears and concerns. If he's not, it makes your answer easy (leave). I don't know your situation, but there are lots of reasons to have fears and anxieties about getting engaged/married that aren't necessarily due to the person, but rather other things/experiences in your life.
I would look for a LCSW or a LMFT. (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). And don't worry if you don't click with one person, it can take a bit to find someone you really click with. Think about your goals for therapy/counseling, as well as your personality. (For me, I wanted someone who was not an oversharer, who was a straight shooter, and who didn't say too much, but also didn't let awkward silence drag on when I ran out of things to say.)
Good luck!
A year is the point where the honeymoon's started to wear off, and you start to realize your partner's not perfect. This is perfectly normal. I agree with PP's, though, that for most people, a year isn't long enough to really KNOW someone. This sounds like the sort of thing where you need to give yourself time to figure out if this is the right decision.
As for your mom, her reaction was a bit immature. She's not engaged to this guy, you are. It's your life, and you're old enough to figure out what's best for you.
Oh this is not good to hear, I can't imagine how confused you are feeling. Do you love him? If you love him, tell him that you would like to have a longer engagement. Explain that you want to be at a pace that is good for both of you and not rush into anything. Give it some more time before setting a date.
Nope; you should not have any doubts. Do not marry him if you have doubts.
First things first:
Allow yourself the space to breathe. You're allowed to experience whatever emotions you're experiencing. So don't beat yourself up or worry too much.
In addition to perhaps seeking professional advice, I would recommend saying to your fiance, "let's take this engagement slow" and agreeing to a set of time where neither of you plans a wedding -- say, for the next three months you get to live life as normal without talking about a wedding or thinking about a date etc. And see where that takes you. Maybe in three months your fears will have disappeared! Or maybe they won't. Either way, take some time.
I take a bit of a different perspective from some of the others here in that I think it's perfectly normal to have doubts. And even though it sounds condescending, it is true that you both are quite young, and perhaps that's another reason to take things slow for a bit.
You have the strength inside to make whatever decision you need to make -- remember that!
Please do not marry him. 3 of my friends now have come so close to getting married to someone they weren't sure about because they didn't want to turn him down.
Both parties need to 100% want to get married even before they get engaged. A lifelong commitment shouldn't occur because one person asked and the other said yes out of politeness.
FYI: He and I are not planning on a wedding for at least 2 years, and this is largely due to the fact that I want to be done with my master's degree and he wants to be largely completed with his bachelors before we get married. So the long engagement is already a-go.
@notthatkindofgirl: Thank you for saying that! I know it's normal to have doubts and that's why I don't want to jump the gun and risk losing this man that I love.
So much wisdom here to support you! Listening to that inner voice is important; learning how much authority to give to your "gut feelings" is something that takes a lifetime. The main thing is that you have plenty of time to figure things out - but in the end, if you do decide to marry this man, you will both want to be as sure as you can that this is the right step for you.
Just one question - you said that he had changed his judgmental and argumentative behavior after you spoke to him about how it affected you, and that your anxiety had gone away and you were very happy. Is the return of your anxiety in response to him backsliding into his former behavior pattern?
@jemimadewdrop: You sound *exactly* like me, in past relationships. Now that it's the right person I don't feel any hesitation whatsoever. I'm not trying to be mean at all, but please trust your FEELING even if you can't rationalize it at this moment.
I had been proposed to 6 times before I met my present FI. I said yes to the others and then eventually said no because in my gut I knew they werent the ones. When you have reasons and you clearly do then marry this man would definitely be a big mistake. When my FI asked me to marry him I had no doubts for the first time in my life that is how I knew he was the man for me.
I'm chiming in late on this one, but I wanted to speak to the issue of doubts and anxiety. I think if you are the kind of person who has a lot of anxiety and doubt, engagement is no different, and it's not NECESSARILY a bad thing. After I got engaged, I read The Conscious Bride, which talked a lot about feelings during this rather crazy time. I think it's a myth that ALL you should feel is crazy excited and crazy in love. If you aren't excited about the idea of marrying him...don't marry him. If you're excited but anxious and scared...it's normal. ESPECIALLY for someone who already deals with anxiety. Who you marry is a gigantic choice. It has a lot of meaning in your life, and it's a period of change. The day you got engaged, someone you loved became the number one person in your life. You basically went from being on your own to being half of something. It's healthy to have some fear about that, and I don't think you should get too wrapped up in thinking something is wrong because you're not feeling the way you expected to. It's a happy time, but it's also a strange one, and it can even be sad when you're thinking about the end of some things, like your single life and your role in your family. The best thing you can do is give it time and really analyze what you're feeling. If it's all about him, maybe you need to take a step back. If it's anxiety about the change and even fear about committing your life to someone, breathe and work through it. You'll figure out the right answer for you, but go easy on yourself. :) Good luck!
That nagging doubt you're feeling?
That may be the quiet voice of your heart, whispering "Please don't do this. I'm meant for someone else."
You can fight it if you want, but the heart always wins in the end. (That may be the corniest thing you hear all day, but please trust me.)
@jemimadewdrop: I'm going to agree with the PP's and say don't marry this man. Tell him you cannot accept his proposal at this time and then I think you two need a little separation so you can figure out exactly what you want.
I agree, you must be 100% sure you want to be with someone for...LIFE. Marriage is meant to last forever and anyone going into it should make that a priority.
@Torrid: This, exactly.
This is not about the time together. My husband and I knew we wanted to spend our life together well under a year, and were married not long after a year and we have a very happy and fulfilling relationship.
However, I certainly did not spend my relationship with him before marriage with doubts, concerns, worriers, or ups and downs. If I did, I would have ended the relationship and most certainly NOT have accepted a proposal. Honestly, I know some people say they had doubts and it is normal and they are okay now and everything, but I can tell you right now I never had one single doubt about my husband being the one for me and have never had a doubt since either. In past relationships, even ones that lasted for years? Yeah, I had doubts and there are good reasons I am not married to them or with them! And there are certainly good reasons I am not married to the man I was dating at 25 or so!
Do not marry this man. You need to actually feel 100% about marrying him, and that feeling should not be just because of things like having put some "time in", it being "the next step", you fearing being on your own, or feeling like you would hurt him if you did not, or feeling pressured or obligated.
If you are not ready to call it off and do need some help processing your feelings, please do go see a qualified counselor (by yourself!).
I agree with everyone that said do not marry him. I was in this exact situation and ended up marrying the guy and then three years later, I got divorced. We got married because he wanted to do it and I just went along with it. I had doubts from day one but I pushed them out of my mind... I actually could have written your post myself 5 years ago.
Now I am madly in love with someone else and I have absolutely no doubts at all in my mind about wanting to be with him. THAT's how it's supposed to feel!
Good luck! Message me if you would like to talk :)
@tirralirra: i think this is a really important point of view. i personally am a really anxious person, and i doubt every decision i make even if i KNOW it was the right one. when FI proposed, i was on cloud 9 for a couple weeks, and then i started to freak out. not because he isn't perfect (although he isn't, but he is definitely the only person i want to be with), but just because it all seemed so permanent. a friend at work gave me some really good and simple advice- Just take it one day at a time. Do you want to be with him? Do you think you will for the indefinite future? Can you picture your life without him? i think how you answer those questions will tell you what you need to do. if you really do want to be with him, you have to work to silence your doubts (which is what i've been doing). if you really aren't ready, then just give it some more time. as you start thinking about the wedding, you'll figure out how you really feel.
I've been married twice to men I was crazy in love with. Sometimes crazy in love does not mean happily ever after.
Doubts in and of themselves aren't enough to judge by. I'm plauged by doubts because of my past. I keep pushing through the doubt and believing things will work out they way they are supposed to. I think the suggestions that you get individual therpay and maybe couples therapy are good. Take some time to try and figure out where the doubts truly orginate from. It could be your gut telling you to run or it could be fear trying to run your life. A licensed therapist can help you figure it out.
I think that you need to speak to a therapist/counsellor so that they can help you sort through your feelings and get to the root of why you feel the way that you do.
Some people are 100% sure immediately and sometimes a little nervousness/anxiousness/doubt is normal too.
But marriage is a big committment so its in both of your best interests that you are sure. I understand wanting your mom's support, but YOU need to be sure and hopefully the therapist can help you with that. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself ample time to work through this. Good Luck & Hugs! I hope you figure it out.
I agree that you should not marry him. I had the same feelings about my ex-husband, married him anyway, and cried the entire first week of marriage - thinking that I would be trapped in this relationship forever. There should be no doubt about marriage. Sure, people get cold feet, but if this is how you feel on a regular basis, then your heart is telling you he isn't the one.
Tell him the truth. He has the right to know. If he isn't the one, it may hurt him now, but in the long run it is for the best so he can find the one for him and vice versa. Don't marry him out of pity.
If he is the one for you, then things will work out. Have faith!
Before you throw out the baby with the bathwater, I think you need to sit and process your feelings. Perhaps you're not comfortable with someone appreciating what a wonderful person you are; perhaps you're afraid that your reaction isn't as over the moon as others', or you think you should be more excited than you are. You obviously have goals in life and hadn't planned on being in such a serious relationship right now? Then again, maybe your gut is telling you something and you don't think he's the man you want to be with forever?
As for your mother, it sounds like she's got her nose out of joint because she feels excluded. That's her problem. Traditionally, if a potential groom were to ask for anyone's permission to propose, it would be your father, and kudos to your guy for doing that.
Sometimes the most important decisions in life are the ones that make us feel the most uncomfortable, but I don't think you should retreat and hide from something that might be exactly what you really want. Take your time, explore your options, and if you still feel that you're not ready, do what you need to do. But do it for you, not your parents, or even the man that wants to marry you.
@jemimadewdrop: I would give it up. Your heart's not in it. Your heart wasn't in it in the past. Your heart won't be in it in the future. I've been in relationships where I stayed just because it was easier, because he REALLY REALLY loved me, cause I didn't feel like being single. Those relationship sucked. I would tell him bye, not talk to him because he would only try to change my mind, block his number, and move on. The sense of freedom you feel will let you know you did the right thing.
I don't think a date should be set but speaking from someone with a past with sexere anxiety, I know how difficult it can be. Especially when you can't pin point why you are feeling the way you are. I wouldn't say call if off with him just yet. Ask yourself, would you be ok, would you love again, would you be happy without him? If yes than call it off. If no, I'd say work on finding the root to your anxiety.
It may not have anything to do with your relationship or him. It could be something completely unrelated. I had the absolute worst anxiety attack of my life the weekend after I got engaged. people started questioning if the engagement was what was freaking me out. I didn't know what was causing it but I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks. I was shaking non stop for two weeks. I'd never had anxiety even close to that before those two weeks.
It wasn't fi or the engagement at all that caused the feelings but something completely unrelated I have been able to work through since. And I'm back to happy wedding planning and really looking forward to my future with my FI.
You're doing the right thing not making any rash decisions. Try and figure out where this feeling is coming from before you ask impulsively
You might try the conscious transitions website. I think to say "you have doubts, don't do it" is quite extreme. When my husband proposed I was happy for about a day then went into straight up panic mode. My counselor told me that it's perfectly ok to have doubts and concerns. Its the most important decision of my life! If you bought a house, you'd be assessing that decision from all angles- good and mad. Your future shouldn't be any different, really. You're giving yourself permission to do some soul searching for whats best for you and your future. Hopefully that involves your fiance. If not, counseling can help you work through that so you don't experience something similar in the future. You're being smart, but seek counsel too. I did. And it was a long journey, but I am now happily married since October and I'm so glad I didn't let my fear lead me away from a great man. I also asked myself "If I was single right now, what kind of man would I be looking for?" And the answer was "the man right in front of me, who loves me unconditionally even though I am full of anxieties and need constant reassurance." So don't let the others say "doubt means don't." because its simply not as black and white as that.
That isn't how you're supposed to feel. If you don't want to break up with him, at least wait a good long while before setting a date. Then see how you feel. If these feelings persist, you're not ready or this isn't the right relationship for you.
I will share with you my experience, I have been proposed to 5 times before I said yes to my current FI and have no doubt for the first time in my life. In the past, I knew the minute I said yes that I wouldnt marry them. I had this feeling in my gut that was telling me that he was wrong for me. So I never went through with the engagements and I am glad I listen to my inner self because I save myself years of pain, therapy, and stress.
There is something telling you deep within please listen to it. When you are proposed to the only feeling you should feel is the joy of wanting to spend the rest of your life loving this man who asked you.
Search within yourself you already have your answer. BIG HUG
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I'm new to this site, but I needed some anonymous advice, so to speak.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We started dating last October, and he proposed yesterday. I said yes.
In the last year, I've been continually plagued with doubts about whether or not I should be with him. It's been extremely confusing for me, and hard on him, because he loves me so much and everytime I have doubts he questions what I really want (whether I am in love anymore, whether I really want to be with him, etc.) The maddening thing is that I don't really know what is creating my doubts. We had a brief separation at the beginning of July because he wanted to get engaged at that point and I got panicked and fled. There WERE underlying things that bothered me, and we talked about them and he's been really good about changing his behavior. (Things like being judgmental or too argumentative.) And after we got back together, things were wonderful and I was the happiest I'd been in our relationship. But now my worry and anxiety is back, and has been a factor for a while. I don't know if I'm experiencing anxiety disorder issues (I've never talked to a professional about it), or if my worry/fear/anxiety is legitimate. I try to ask myself what I'm afraid of, and I get confused just trying to answer that.
To further complicate things, when we told me parents about it, my mom's reaction was anything but positive. She said she felt "left out," because my fiance had spoken to my dad instead of her about engagment, when he has always believed that the father is the one you speak to about those things. My mother expressed that she thought we were too young (I'm 25 and a graduate student, he is 23 and starting his bachelors) and that we both need to mature a lot before we think about setting a date or anything. She said she was not going to stop us, but that she needed time to process. My dad, on the other hand, had no problem and said "go for it!" It was terrible, having my mother not be excited and instead I ended up crying half the day because I felt unsupported. Maybe this emotion created an upsurge of doubts in my mind, I don't know for sure.
The bottom line is, even if my mom was excited and supportive, I'm not entirely sure I would feel any less anxious or trapped. I'm not sure if I just don't want to be with him, and I've suppressed it because I think we make a great couple, or if I'm just anxious about other's reactions now (in particular my older sister, who I think will have a similar objection to my mom's). It is a complicated thing in my head, and I'm not sure how to detangle it. I'm in the middle of telling people I just got engaged, and this is supposed to be happy and exciting, but instead I feel like I'm setting myself up for a trap or a let down. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt my fiance even more in the end by breaking off the engagement because I figure it out later than sooner, but I can't bear the thought of breaking it off now. And I don't want to be impulsive and assume that that is the solution.
I know this is a long post, and I couldn't include all details pertaining, but maybe someone will have some wisdom to share with me...