- 1 year ago
I’m new to this site, but I needed some anonymous advice, so to speak.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We started dating last October, and he proposed yesterday. I said yes.
In the last year, I’ve been continually plagued with doubts about whether or not I should be with him. It’s been extremely confusing for me, and hard on him, because he loves me so much and everytime I have doubts he questions what I really want (whether I am in love anymore, whether I really want to be with him, etc.) The maddening thing is that I don’t really know what is creating my doubts. We had a brief separation at the beginning of July because he wanted to get engaged at that point and I got panicked and fled. There WERE underlying things that bothered me, and we talked about them and he’s been really good about changing his behavior. (Things like being judgmental or too argumentative.) And after we got back together, things were wonderful and I was the happiest I’d been in our relationship. But now my worry and anxiety is back, and has been a factor for a while. I don’t know if I’m experiencing anxiety disorder issues (I’ve never talked to a professional about it), or if my worry/fear/anxiety is legitimate. I try to ask myself what I’m afraid of, and I get confused just trying to answer that.
To further complicate things, when we told me parents about it, my mom’s reaction was anything but positive. She said she felt “left out,” because my fiance had spoken to my dad instead of her about engagment, when he has always believed that the father is the one you speak to about those things. My mother expressed that she thought we were too young (I’m 25 and a graduate student, he is 23 and starting his bachelors) and that we both need to mature a lot before we think about setting a date or anything. She said she was not going to stop us, but that she needed time to process. My dad, on the other hand, had no problem and said “go for it!” It was terrible, having my mother not be excited and instead I ended up crying half the day because I felt unsupported. Maybe this emotion created an upsurge of doubts in my mind, I don’t know for sure.
The bottom line is, even if my mom was excited and supportive, I’m not entirely sure I would feel any less anxious or trapped. I’m not sure if I just don’t want to be with him, and I’ve suppressed it because I think we make a great couple, or if I’m just anxious about other’s reactions now (in particular my older sister, who I think will have a similar objection to my mom’s). It is a complicated thing in my head, and I’m not sure how to detangle it. I’m in the middle of telling people I just got engaged, and this is supposed to be happy and exciting, but instead I feel like I’m setting myself up for a trap or a let down. I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt my fiance even more in the end by breaking off the engagement because I figure it out later than sooner, but I can’t bear the thought of breaking it off now. And I don’t want to be impulsive and assume that that is the solution.
I know this is a long post, and I couldn’t include all details pertaining, but maybe someone will have some wisdom to share with me…