Engaged yesterday, having second thoughts.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Member
2941 posts
Sugar bee

Please do not marry him. You should be as close to 100% sure as possible. If you have doubts, it is your gut telling you something. The gut is always right.

Member
307 posts
Helper bee

IMO, you can’t KNOW someone in a year – just give it a couple more months (years, whatevs) then reevaluate the situation

Member
2960 posts
Sugar bee

Well one solution would be to not set a date anytime soon. Since you don’t want to break up with him that would give you time to work things thru in your head. A long engagement may be your answer. Another thing to do would be to see a gifted counselor to help you figure out the real issues. My hunch though is something about this guy is making you uneasy and you should always listen to your gut.

Member
42 posts
Newbee

You are very young and you really haven’t been together all that long.  It seems as if he’s pressured you into this.  

If he won’t give you more time to be “sure”, then maybe you should consider getting out of this relationship.

Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee

My issue isn’t how long you’ve been with him: many happy bees got engaged in less than a year (I’m going to be one of them) and have had long lasting relationships. The issue here is that you’ve KNOWN pretty much your whole relationship that it’s not right for you.

You shouldn’t have said yes if you’ve always had doubts. Big no-no.

Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee

I can only base this on my own experience, but I think if you’ve only been engaged ONE day and you’re already having doubts, it’s not right! I couldn’t think about anything but how excited I was to marry my hubby when we were engaged! You two have not been dating that long…and you’re both still quite young! I think that you should take a step back and let him know you’re not ready for marriage.

Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee

This doesn’t necessarily mean that he is the wrong person for you or you aren’t a great couple. But you definitely need to address your concerns and anxieties before you go any further. I would advise couple’s counseling, as well as individual counseling. Maybe start with the individual to help you explore and identify some of your fears and concerns, which will then make it easier to decide what to do – get married, work on things and see, or split up.

You are very smart to seek advice and support now, rather than six months after you are married when you are wanting a divorce. It’s totally cliche to say that if it is meant to be, then it will be. But I think that if he really loves you, he will be supportive of you working through your fears and concerns. If he’s not, it makes your answer easy (leave). I don’t know your situation, but there are lots of reasons to have fears and anxieties about getting engaged/married that aren’t necessarily due to the person, but rather other things/experiences in your life.

I would look for a LCSW or a LMFT. (Licensed Clinical Social Worker or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). And don’t worry if you don’t click with one person, it can take a bit to find someone you really click with. Think about your goals for therapy/counseling, as well as your personality. (For me, I wanted someone who was not an oversharer, who was a straight shooter, and who didn’t say too much, but also didn’t let awkward silence drag on when I ran out of things to say.)

Good luck!

Member
4487 posts
Honey bee

A year is the point where the honeymoon’s started to wear off, and you start to realize your partner’s not perfect.  This is perfectly normal.  I agree with PP’s, though, that for most people, a year isn’t long enough to really KNOW someone.  This sounds like the sort of thing where you need to give yourself time to figure out if this is the right decision.

 

As for your mom, her reaction was a bit immature.  She’s not engaged to this guy, you are.  It’s your life, and you’re old enough to figure out what’s best for you.

Member
8281 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh this is not good to hear, I can’t imagine how confused you are feeling.  Do you love him?  If you love him, tell him that you would like to have a longer engagement. Explain that you want to be at a pace that is good for both of you and not rush into anything. Give it some more time before setting a date.

Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee

Nope; you should not have any doubts. Do not marry him if you have doubts.

Member
11 posts
Newbee

First things first:

Allow yourself the space to breathe. You’re allowed to experience whatever emotions you’re experiencing. So don’t beat yourself up or worry too much.

In addition to perhaps seeking professional advice, I would recommend saying to your fiance, “let’s take this engagement slow” and agreeing to a set of time where neither of you plans a wedding — say, for the next three months you get to live life as normal without talking about a wedding or thinking about a date etc. And see where that takes you. Maybe in three months your fears will have disappeared! Or maybe they won’t. Either way, take some time.

I take a bit of a different perspective from some of the others here in that I think it’s perfectly normal to have doubts. And even though it sounds condescending, it is true that you both are quite young, and perhaps that’s another reason to take things slow for a bit.

You have the strength inside to make whatever decision you need to make — remember that!

Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Please do not marry him. 3 of my friends now have come so close to getting married to someone they weren’t sure about because they didn’t want to turn him down.

Both parties need to 100% want to get married even before they get engaged. A lifelong commitment shouldn’t occur because one person asked and the other said yes out of politeness.

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