- 7 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
New BF and I have been together for about two months.
Last Tuesday, I thought it was about time we had the first “let’s make sure we are on the same page” marriage talks. Especially since he was so marriage-averse last time we dated. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to get too emotionally involved with someone who didn’t want the same things I did.
We talked awhile, and at one point he asked me what my timeline was. I wanted to give it some thought, so I told him I’d get back to him.
Well, today we were at a coffee shop, and I told him, “Hey. Remember what we were talking about the other day, about timelines? I realize I owe you an answer, and I don’t want you to think I’ve forgottten about it. But rather than say a date, I thought I’d make it more something we discussed together.”
He gets this weird look on his face. I ask him what’s bothering him. He starts talking about the DEBT CEILING! And somehow this eventually comes around to where he’s talking about how disappointing it was that Borders closed, and how he thinks people lose something when there aren’t physical bookstores they can browse through….wtf?!
After about an hour of this, and him not seeming to want to discuss the relationship AT ALL, of course I feel like he is completely dodging the issue at hand. Which I find incredibly disappointing, since yesterday after a high-school friend of mine’s wedding we went to, he brought up the topic of “our” wedding. Three times!
And when I called him on being dodgy about it, he said “Well why would I have brought up weddings yesterday if I didn’t want to marry you?” And I said, “You don’t seem to even want to discuss the issue! I’m not ready to get married NOW, but we have known each other three years!” And then there was a lot more back and forth about him needing to know he could take care of me, his pessimism about the government, etc. It seemed so transparently meant to distract me and blow me off that it would have been hilarious if it had been happening to anyone else.
So finally I was like, “Look. There are three questions that need answering here: ‘1. Do you want to eventually get married to me, 2. When do you want to get engaged, and 3. When do you want to get married?’ Everything else is details at best, and obfuscation at worst. It doesn’t sound like we have #1 answered yet, so I sure don’t want to be hearing about #3 any more until we do.”
After a little more back-and-forth, I finally had had enough. I told him, “I don’t think I can believe that you’re serious if you won’t discuss timelines with me. Even if you said something borderline-absurd like TWO YEARS, at least I’d see a light at the end of the tunnel. As it is, I am totally in the dark. Right now, I am pretty much stuck in this city. I don’t want to join the Peace Corps, teach English overseas or take a job in another state because I love you and I don’t want to lose that. But I can’t build any sort of meaningful social life here because I am with you pretty much every weekend. I am ready to at least know we are GOING to be putting down roots at SOME TIME so I can stop feeling like I am in limbo.” I felt bad for putting all of this out there like that, but I was REALLY emotional by this point. It was a total ‘waiting breakdown.’
He looked at me. I looked at him. I braced myself for “a year and a half” or longer–or worse, “I’m just not ready,” or “I’m scared” or “Let’s table this discussion for awhile.”
After a moment, he said, “I was thinking November.”
I blinked, and said “THIS November?” I decided to press my luck. “For getting engaged?”
And he said YES!!!!!!!!!!
(And to think, I’d been talking to my best friend Friday about how if we didn’t have a solid, definitive PLAN for getting engaged agreed upon by NEW YEARS, I’d be thinking of taking a step backward in the relationship.) November! That’s really soon! I still can’t get over it. I know I am crazy, over-the-moon in love with him, though, so I am not afraid. And he seemed really happy the rest of the day after our discussion.