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Help! My grandmother called me last night with some great news - my next younger cousin just got engaged (officially, they've been "unofficially engaged" since Christmas 2007, but only her immediate family and myself knew this). Which is fantastic and I am happy for the couple - except there's one thing. My grandmother told me my cousin asked for me to not tell anyone before my wedding (T-19 days) because she wants to make an announcement after the toasts... at my wedding! I called my cousin and asked if she wouldn't mind letting the family know either before (like this week) or after the wedding is over and she said no, my request is ridiculous. That whole side of the family agrees with her.
Is there anything I can do? Am I being ridiculous? Any suggestions on how to discreetly handle this without offending my cousin and my family? Or should I just brush it off and stop whining about it?
Thanks!
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I have no advice to give you but I can say that you are not being ridiculous! You're wedding is supposed to be about you and your FI's love and that is really the only day dedicated to the 2 of you! Maybe express to your cousin how this really hurts you and you would really appreciate it not happening that day. Be firm!
Whew. That's tough. I think it's totally inappropriate, especially since you've already asked her not to make a big announcement at your wedding. I would try telling her point blank that you are not comfortable with her making an announcement, but that if she tells people individually at your wedding that would be fine. Then, I'd cover my bases by making sure the DJ does not let her get the microphone.
I agree. I find that quite rude really. It's your wedding, it's not like it's an ordinary family gathering. Definatley keep her away from the mic!
That is pretty rude of her. Maybe she should go watch The Hangover and listen for the audible "uhhhhh" in the theatre when Stu says he's going to ask his GF to marry him at Doug's wedding. People in the theatre actually said "ew", or "uh", or "uhg"!
Tell her she is going to hurt you by doing this and ask her why she would want to do that? Ask her how she woudl feel if someoen did that to her on her and her fiance's day?
Maybe you could offer to help her plan a seperate engagement party in advance of the wedding?
I'd be pretty irritated too.
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That is annoying. I don't buy into the wedding week/month thing, but you definitely get your *day*!! How would you feel about letting her announce it at your rehearsal dinner? I still think it should really be about you, not her, but maybe that's a compromise?
BTW, I'd think it was super weird if a *cousin* of the bride, not even sibling, announced her engagement at a friends' wedding. Remind her that there will be guests who don't know her at all, and it'll be pretty weird for them (as well as for your IL's).
I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! But that sucks that she doesn't get it. I would definitely not be happy if someone stole the show at my wedding with something like that, but then again, I suppose there are worse things that could happen!
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I am with you on this one. I think it's your day to shine ... you're the bride, it's a celebration for you, and therefore nobody should announce anything that will take the spotlight away from you and your groom.
I mean, how many times in your life do you have a celebration where it's entirely focused on you and the groom ... once! It's not her turn. She's being selfish and sounds kind of jealous.
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That's all sorts of rude! Its ridiculous that she even request that - its your wedding, not a bunch of people running into each other on the street corner! And the fact that nobody else sees fit to explain to her that you don't annouce your engagement at someone else's wedding if they don't want you to - that's just....just...I have no words! Wasn't she invited to birthday parties as a child? Did she annouce random facts about her life, regardless of how big they were, after the birthday child blew out the candles?
Good luck on this and make sure the mic is NO WHERE near her.
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I may be mean, but I'd put an ad in the newspaper announcing their engagement "as a gift to them."
J/k I wouldn't do that, but that is awful on their part!!!
I'm really surprised that your cousin wouldn't understand your feelings. I think it would be totally inappropriate for this kind of a stunt. I agree with fizicsGirl, maybe you could suggest that she make her announcement at your rehearsal. Reiterate to her that there will be lots of people at the wedding who don't know her (i.e. your fiance's family/friends) and it will be uncomfortable.
Wowzers, I am shocked on two counts! One, that she planned this toast without telling you. Um...it's your wedding, other people don't get to plan random announcements without telling you! Two, that you specifically asked her not to do this and she said no. Again - this is YOUR wedding, so her saying no shouldn't even be an option! I guess to me it seems like she's adding something to the proceedings without your ok, as much as if she decided to throw an extra reading into the ceremony without telling you first (and then refusing to take it out if you found out, ha ha!)
As far as her announcing the engagement...I think that would be ok IF you were ok with it. I don't think her forcing this on you is ok, though.
How to deal with it is tough - do you have any relatives you could bring in as neutral allies?Maybe call your cousin and have a heart-to-heart about how this would make you feel? Or, I guess you could tell your close friends and posse beforehand so at least it can be a secret eye rolling moment for you guys (yeah...snarky, I know, sorry!) and maybe something you can laugh about later rather than feeling bitter.
Tell her that if she does that at your wedding you'll be forced to announce that you're pregnant during her wedding even if you're not really just so she can see what if feels like to have the spotlight taken. Threaten to get ahold of someone's ultrasound pictures and pass them around as your own during dinner :P
Honestly, I can't even fathom how rude that is! Wow! Besides, presumably half of your guests will be on your FI's side and half will be on the other side of your family plus your friends so she'll probably know less than 25% of the people there. What is she thinking?!
Good luck! Let us know how things go.
Heh heh...I was just thinking I would be SO tempted to have the MOH or Best Man add something snarky to their toasts before that announcement.
MOH, pretending to be joking around: "You know, we've (bridal party) been friends for years and we all love the spotlight. I joked with Laurenors before the ceremony that it would be a MIRACLE if we made it through the day without someone trying to upstage her. But here we are and it looks like we did it! Let's hope we can make it past the toasts now, ha ha!"
Best Man: "I remember when Mr. and Mrs. Laurenor told me they were engaged. We suspected something was up the weekend of the big game but Laurenor bit her tongue because it was Larry's birthday. That's are Laur, she'd never want to steal anyone's spotlight. Anyway..."
Bad Rose, bad! (Slaps hand away from keyboard)
Your cousin is CRAZY!!! I was thinking the same thing Leiann was thinking I would tell her that ok I will be announcing my pregnany at YOUR wedding. How would that feel? Just to make her think about it, if she doesn't understand, uninvite her. I am mean, but geez she has to have some cooth! Ugh, this makes me mad just thinking about it, you must be steaming!
I like the idea of inviting her to you rehearsal or maybe you could talk to a sibling and have them try to deal with it. GOOD LUCK!
NO THANK YOU! THIS IS RUDE!!! This is not OK. Maybe send them some nice websites for engagement annoucement stationery as a hint ;)
Yes this is ridiculous! That is your day. I would spoil the surprise and tell everyone. I know, I'm kind of mean like that 
Yes this is ridiculous! That is your day. I would spoil the surprise and tell everyone. I know, I'm kind of mean like that
Oh I love the newspaper announcement! And the prego threat. Use them both! Tell her that you have an announcement set to run in the paper if she doesn't back down from making her announcement at YOUR wedding. Then follow with if she decides at the last minute to make the announcement that your announcements at her wedding will be that your pregnant.
I keep posting back here because something about the idea of this just gets under my skin! Anyways, I was thinking - has your cousin been to many weddings? Because if not, she may not realize how awkwardly this may play out.
I'm assuming she's not in the bridal party, right? So she'll be sitting away from the head table. So what...the toasts are done, you start to move into the next event...and then what? She stands up at her table and declares "Everyone! Stop what you're doing! (whistles) Hey, over here! I'm engaged!" I just don't see how that will work.
If it is that big of a deal to her and you want to be tactful, I would say kindly but firmly that you don't think it will work as part of your wedding, but you'd be happy to honor her at the rehearsal dinner (or another pre-wedding event if you're having one.) Then, at said event, you can stop the action and say "So and so has an announcement!" so she's kind of got to say something. If you do it before the wedding it's already announced so hopefully you won't have to worry about her doing it again!
I agree with not letting any of these people (not just your cousin) get ahold of the mic. Maybe they'll figure out, they aren't the ones paying for this party. You aren't spending thousands of dollars to give your cousin a free ride to annoucne her engagement. Let her get in the trenches like the rest of us and actually throw her own engagement party, or I don't know, call people up or visit them if she really is excited to tell them.
I think not only should you annoucne tht you're pregnant at her wedding, but you should wear a white dress too. ;)
Other than that, my only suggestion is to show her this thread.
Sorry. Good luck.
Oh my Gosh! I am so sorry to hear this! You do not need the added stress of making sure she keeps her mouth shut. I would go so far as to threaten to uninvite her! Harsh, I know, but what is she thinking???
Be thankful you were warned instead of caught off-gaurd on your wedding day! I agree you should let her see this thread. And tell her that someday she will understand. As far as family agreeing with her that you are being ridiculous...I think families sometimes get "wrapped up" in the "family event" idea, as oppose to viewing it as "your day." Does that make sense? They sometimes lose sight of the meaning and see the day as a sort of family reuinion, which is annoying as hell!
Just be overly blunt and ask her why she wants to ruin your one and only wedding day. Tell her how deeply hurt you are. Explain that it is YOUR day, no exceptions! Tell her you have every right to make demands, even if others consider them "ridiculous."
Best of Luck!
Just leak the information ahead of time- tell your whole family (oh! I didn't know it was a surprise!!!). Or, have your MOH or best man say something about it ahead of time, before the toasts.
At her wedding... after her toasts announce that you are pregnant!!!
That's really rude that she would try to infringe on your special day. She does not have the right to have "the floor" at any point for public announcements. What a brat!
Send me her email address and I can show her this post. Maybe she will get the hint!
I second what a lot of people said about explaining to her that this is your day and you would really appreciate it if she didn't announce her engagment at your wedding, and if she doesn't seem responsive give the DJ her picture and tell him not to give her the mic!
(We're day twins :) I can't believe it's coming up so soon, I hope both of our weddings are beautiful!)
I think it's unacceptable. With that being said, I'd beat her to the punch and say congrats to cousin's x, for her upcoming engagement. and thank you mom and dad for such a wonderful wedding, fiancee for loving me always, etc. am i making sense? include a brief blurb so she wouldn't feel obligated to say anything else.
your cousin is being rude and selfish and if it was me, i would be telling everyone in the next 19 days about the engagement so its ho-hum news by the time she decides to act like a drama queen at your wedding. its YOUR wedding!
maybe a friend of a friend with a hotmail address can email her this link so she can see how rude it is for herself and if that doesnt set her straight then at her wedding knock over the cake and blame it on your pregnant with quads hormones announcement or something just as rude
goodluck!
That would definitely not make me happy either-you have reason to feel the way you do!
I would definitely talk to the dj and have him/her stop your cousin from trying to make the announcement. You can also try to get your bridesmaids to run interference with your cousin and try to stop her.
I would casually announce it as a blip and nothing more at the end of my HEARTFELT and emotional thank you's so they cannot get up and say a damn word about it.
It IS your day! I am usually quite laid back about things, but this is not acceptable imho. Beat her to the punch and take the wind out of the sails on this one. If they want to make an announcement, send out either "we're engaged" cards or a STD! Just remember that they're not saving YOUR date for any announcements!
This is really rude of your cousin. I got engaged on the 27/12/08 and my brother's wedding was on the 3rd January. My fiance and I wanted to make sure we didn't take away from their day so we waited over 2 weeks, until AFTER their honeymoon to announce our engagement. It was difficult but we didn't think it was fair to make any of that time about us. I think the fact that your cousin has been unofficially engaged for a while just shows that she is selfish, if she's waited this long then surely she can let you have your day and wait a little longer to tell everyone.
like chrissy_1984, i got engaged just before my brother's wedding. i never would have dreamt of raining on his parade though!! much less my sister in law. we waited until a couple weeks after their wedding to inforamlly announce our engagement, and then even longer after before we sent out our save the dates. i think you should definitely let the dj know that you only want your bm, moh and maybe your dad to get ahold of the mic ... and make sure they know this too. hopefully, she'll get the hint and -at worst- just tell people individually at your wedding, rather than making a statement to the whole crowd.
If all else fails, I'll make sure the DJ knows her so that when she suddenly grabs the microphone, there will be no sound system.
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You are not being ridiculous! I can't believe she said YOU'RE being ridiculous? What a self centered... I'm pretty much in agreement with all the other comments here.
If I were in your situation I'd tell my cousin if she announces her engagement at MY wedding, I would announce that I was pregnant at hers. lol a la Monica Gellar!
If she doesn't get it still, I'd either leak "the secret" first at the rehearsal dinner or via email or something. Sorry, but if you mess with another bride's wedding day-- the claws need to come out.
Totally uncool. I'm with the other ladies - if she doesn't cease and desist I'd proceed in making her uncomfortable and as foolish as possible.
First off, I want to thank you all for your overwhelming support! I was in doubt of myself when I wrote this post, because my cousin and grandmother really made me feel like I was being selfish and ridiculous... after hashing it out with my BMs and the hive, I realized that SHE is being ridiculous. I took your advice and called her back this afternoon and told her that I really didn't want her to make an announcement at the wedding, that it would be pretty awkward since our family really only makes up about 25% of the guest list, that why doesn't she mail out some cute engagement announcement and here is a site that has some great ones, etc... her response was, again, that I was being ridiculous and selfish!
Well, I got pretty upset. At first I just wanted to call every member of the family on the pretense of double checking their RSVPs and then drop the news... but then I decided, you know what? Let her do it. She always has been the center of attention in the family And let everyone that really matters to me, everyone that is truly there to show their love and support for my FH and I roll their eyes and talk about that tact-less relative who had to make a big deal of herself at some one else's wedding. Because in the end, I guess she'll be the one looking bad, and nobody can look at me and blame me for being selfish, right? And in the mean time, my MOH is planning on giving her a serious lecture on tact during the cocktail hour!
And I might just happen to be preggers when her wedding rolls around ;) Seriously though, thanks for the moral outrage on my behalf. It really put it all into perspective.
You have a great attitude about the whole thing, I'm really impressed!
Again, what honestly riles me up about this is that you told her not to make the announcement and she basically said "No." Again, I don't get how that is even an option! You don't go to someone ELSE'S wedding and tell them what YOU have planned for the evening. As with any big event, the event organizer makes the plans. Can you imagine going to a similar big event - say a charity ball or something - and telling the planner what you had decided to include as part of their line-up? Just plain weird!!
Again, impressed with your maturity. And like you said, let's be honest - people will hear about what happened through the grapevine, and you will come off looking like the Golden Child! :) Your cousin, I would imagine, may be on the receiving end of some whispered snark.
Maybe bring it up again - not in a mean way - after her wedding. Ask if she can kind of see your point then, how she would feel if someone did the same thing. I have a feeling she will have a more mature perspective on it then.
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I'm sorry - I don't want to beat a dead horse, and I rarely post responses, but I just had to weigh in on this one.
You cousin's behavior is absolutely APPALLING. Unbelievable.
She seems to have little to no tact, so this probably won't help, but maybe you can point her to an article that speaks to how rude it is to hijack someone else's wedding with your own announcement?
http://www.mtstandard.com/articles/2008/01/02/bigskylife/hjjcihgjjjjcea.txt
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