(Closed) Engagement changed everything…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did you have doubts?
    There was no question! : (60 votes)
    74 %
    A little nervous the day of... : (5 votes)
    6 %
    A little nervous for a while... : (14 votes)
    17 %
    Wondering if this was a mistake... : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    983 posts
    Busy bee

    All that over the proposal and the ring? You’re kidding, right?   

    Post # 4
    Member
    222 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I think she is more concerned over the fact that she thinks he may have done it only becasue she pushed it too hard and suggested breaking up and that being the only reason he actually did it. I can understand that and it’s unfortunate you feel that way but trust me, no man is going to spend that kind of money on a ring and go through any effort proposing to you if he wasn’t serious or really thinking about it. Maybe you DID light a fire under his ass but that shouldn’t make you believe he didn’t mean it.

    You can always change the diamond out down the road if it bothers you THAT much. You are engaged now, you need to be enjoying this time!

    Post # 5
    Member
    203 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but what you have and the way it was done someone else wants and would appreciate it.  If it bothers you so much talk to your FI.  In essence it seems like you pushed him into a proposal by giving him an ultimatum.  What you said in your first few sentences don’t match the rest of what you wrote.  “You just wanted to live with him and you didn’t care about the wedding and other details…” I think the hype that you were looking for in the proposal is overshadowing everything else.  Also how could something like that make you question so many other things.  I would suggest making a list of why you want to be with him and marry him and on the other side your concerns then talk with your FI. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1685 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I say give yourself some time.  There is so much expectation around the proposal that it’s hard for women to not feel let down. 

    You might realize once you start talking about it with friends and wearing the ring around that it was, in fact, just right. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @tchrlady:  Never feel bad for how you feel. We, as women, always envision things differently than what they usually end up being. I wanted a nice, fancy proposal. Instead I got one in the Speedway gas station parking lot. I wanted to heavily detailed, vintage ring. Instead, it was a simple three stone.

    But at the end of the day, I know I’m with the person I love most, and so I deal with the little details not being the way I had “imagined.” You can always add sapphire diamonds to the band you get.

    BUT if what you are really unsure about is the relationship, I think a talk is definitely in order. Or maybe you just need a girls weekend to sit and ponder things?

     

    //

    Post # 11
    Member
    11354 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I think there are many factors at play in this situation.  Some of the prior posters have mentioned some of them.

    It’s often the case that reality just does not live up to our expectations, especially when other people are involved. Even if what we build up in our own minds is LESS grandiose than what we receive, the fact that it’s different and does not unfold exactly as we hoped it would, can lead to disappointment if we allow it to do so.

    Also, you’ve been with your FI for seven years.  Based on the information that my DH and I learned in our own counseling sessions, the intense romantic feelings that most people experience at the beginning of a new relationship usually are not able to be sustained over the long haul. It doesn’t mean that a couple no longer love each other or are no longer attracted to each other. However, the intensity usually is not the same. Couples who meet, fall in love, become engaged, and get married within six months to two years may still have that intensity at the time of their engagements and weddings, but, for the most part, according to research, that is the longest amount of time that those intial, intense feelings last. (I actually found this to be very surprising to learn, and I am supposing that there are some exceptions to this, since I am aware of a few couples who seem to defy the research.)

    Emotions and feelings certainly can and do fluctuate in a relationship. However, love — not the feelings of love but the commitment  OF love and the decision TO love — should become greater the longer you are together.

    I am not at all saying that you should marry your FI.  Only you, and he, are able to make that kind of a life-altering decision.  However, I am simply saying that just because your proposal and ring did not live up to your expectations, and you no longer feel the same intense feelings toward your FI, does not necessarily mean that you shouldn’t. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    8464 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @tchrlady:  

    “Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream.”
    ― LaoZi

    Post # 13
    Member
    598 posts
    Busy bee

    If you really ever thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man, it wouldn’t matter how he proposed to you or what ring he gave you. Getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone is more than just a proposal and ring. You’ve been with this man for seven years…. why now all of a sudden you start feeling this way, just because his proposal and ring he got you wasn’t up to your expectations? Either you are very overwhelmed with the idea of getting married that you are letting such things get to you more than you should, or you truly do not see yourself with this man forever. You also say before he proposed you were in love, and after you don’t really feel it anymore? Hmm I wish I could help you but you are the only one who knows where those feelings really stem from and I don’t think you’ll get your answers on this forum. Either way I wish you luck.

    Post # 14
    Member
    381 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My proposal wasn’t what I expected.. but it doesn’t matter because it’s what he thought of.. and all that mattered in the end was that he proposed.  Sure I would have maybe picked out a different ring to – but since he picked it out – I LOVE IT and it’s perfect!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1318 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    You have to remember the pressure on the guys, too. My ring is also not what I expected or wanted. I wanted a sapphire. I got a beautiful diamond. It’s not that he doesn’t know me, it’s that he really thought I was settling for a “lesser” stone to save him money. He knows now that that wasn’t the case and we talk about upgrading my ring in the future. A picnic proposal is also cliched. It does happen often. He was under pressure to make it a special story for you that would make the women in your family swoon. 

    I say, cut him a break. He tried really hard and was under a lot of pressure, too. Maybe he also thought you said you wanted a sapphire to save money. Maybe he thought you said picnic because you thought it would lower stress for him. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1685 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’ll be completely honest as someone who does not deal with change well.

    I wanted to get engaged.  I wanted to get engaged for about a year before it happened.

    When I got engaged, I threw up.

    I had one of those moments of, “Oh god, what have I done?!”

    I’ve been with my fiance for 8 years and he is the love of my life.  I don’t doubt that he will be a wonderful husband, incredible father, and my best friend for the rest of my life. 

    But change is scary.  Really really scary.  We get complacent and happy with the status quo and anything to shift that becomes frightening. 

    You can be absolutely sure of the perosn you are with and suddenly throw up when it becomes real. 

     

    OP, you love this man and you want to marry him.  Don’t beat yourself up over these thoughts.  You may just still be in shock.

    The topic ‘Engagement changed everything…’ is closed to new replies.

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