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totally understand!!!! my then BF and i never said a harsh word to eachother until we got engaged and wow, we started fighting - it was horrible!!!
i remember sitting on bondi beach talking to him on the phone in tears, i told him i couldnt do this and if we had to be like this for another 10 months then i didnt see us lasting until the wedding. i then said to him "what do you want" and he answers "i just want to be married to you" the magic words because from that moment on, we figured everything out and there was no more issues, drama or hurt feelings (oh, and we decided to elope:) )
try to stay relaxed and play to eachothers strengths - goodluck!
Wow. While reading your entry, I kept thinking, "Huh, this sounds just like me!" Seriously, my FI is really involved to and our first big argument was guest list too AND he has his own ideas of what kind of wedding we should have.
But that was about 2 months back. Now, we have learned to talk about ideas and keep them as ideas until we've both agreed. We're learning how to talk things out and work on things together. And you are right, this is good practice for when you get married.
Hang in there and try to communicate and compromise.
I think a good way to deal with this - and sit down and lay out what is important to you and ask him to do the same!
Once this is done it helps you pick your battles! Obviously you will let him 'win' more on things that are really important to him and vice versa!
Talk about your vision and his vision and try and come up with a common vision that you both agree with and can use as your guide!
This makes me concerned to go over our guest list. lol. Even though we have the occasional fight, it's weird to think a guest list can cause drama.
Just remember compromise is your best friend, and I am glad you feel better today!
Ok, we had a chance to discuss more this evening... and I feel SO justified! (Not that it's a competition... ok, so we can both be a little bit childish sometime) I re-jigged the invite list so that it was clearer, and I actually had FEWER friends coming than him! I just have a large happy extended family, and his family are not in contact with one side at all. When I showed him the friends lists and said "you have to cull too!" he found himself getting all indignant and unwilling JUST as much as me, and even tried to use all the same arguments. It was quite funny (luckily he saw the funny side, too). That doesn't solve our numbers dilemma but it does make me feel better ;)
@eloping - that's the thought I try to keep coming back to - at the end of the day, we'll be married, and that's what I really want.
@Charm bracelet - I'm glad I'm not alone! Fingers crossed that things getter better ASAP for us too :)
@Future Mrs. Martin - that's really good advice. I asked him tonight what he really wants in a wedding, how he pictures it being, and we're totally on the same page. Good food, drink and music, and our 'important people' there. (The conflict is how many important people is too many important people). Neither of us care about centrepieces, favours, etc. I thought photography was important to me but I said I'm willing to reconsider that (would rather have my people there).
Thanks :)
This sounds just like my fiance and I too!
I'm glad he's involved...but sometimes its hard to not just do what I want, so I hear you on that one!
It does get easier once the "big" things are booked and taken care of.
Wow, thats the first thing we fought about too. Good to know its not just us.
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Aaahhh! After a totally peaceful, non-conflict several months of dating, the very first wedding task we begin seriously (guest list) brings immediate conflict! Stress central.
On one hand, I understood from reading these boards and other wedding things that all this WOULD bring stresses and conflict, so hey no surprise... But we've been such non-conflict people up 'til now that it DID still surprise me! And I thought I would be such a chilled out bride-to-be :P
On the other hand, hearing about how stressful it would be made me EXPECT it to be stressful, and I started to get wound up straight away. I feel kind of silly now that I've slept on it. Luckily fi was VERY good, and didn't react to my passionate/anxious voice (he knows how I work, and when I txt to apologise he told me that he knew I'd be calmer in the morning, haha).
But seriously, it's strange now we're not always batting for the same team. I'm valuing having the people I love there vs. a really nice wedding, he's valuing doing it properly... but that's a whole 'nother thread. We were pretty much always on the same page before.
It also doesn't help that he's very involved and into all the planning and decisions (in fact he is Chief Organiser - I'm a big picture person and don't cope well with co-ordinating lots of details), otherwise I could just do whatever I wanted with everything :P
Bring on the negotiation and rational discussions I say... I get the feeling we're both going to learn a bunch about each other, and I guess it's kind of good to practice conflict resolution on relatively small things! This has opened up a whole new world.
Done now, just a vent!