(Closed) Engagement Frustration

posted 6 years ago in Logistics
Post # 3
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I don’t have any good advice because I’ve never been totally in this situation, but I just wanted to offer some hugs and sympathy. I’ve got nine months to go until the wedding and it’s killing me. How old are you and how much school is left?

I’ve been with FI for four years, since I was in high school as well. FI and I agreed pretty much from the beginning that neither of us wanted an engagement that lasted more than a year, so I had to wait a while for my proposal.

That being said, my FI had originally planned for us to be out of school first, too. We’re only 21, so that obviously didn’t happen lol. He basically realized he didn’t want to have to wait for us to be together for 6+ years before we got married. Plus I made a point of explaining to him all the reasons it made more sense to do it. ( Without being pushy, of course!)

Moving in together and splitting rent and combining finances is gonna save us a fortune. Not to mention if I’m buying groceries and cooking all pur meals all the time, that’s even more saved. And then there’s all the extra time we waste going over to each others places, the gas used, etc etc.

If you’re totally sure you’re ready for marriage, maybe explain to him all the reasons it makes practical sense, other than the fact that you just WANT to. Just make sure not to push him into anything. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I would love to be able to help you out but I’m not engaged. Thats the reason why SO and I have decided to wait another year to be engaged. We hated the idea of a long engagement and as you and your fiance have agreed on, we too want to wait to get jobs and get settled first so that once we are engaged, all we have to worry about is planning a wedding. I sort of envy you, I cannot wait to be engaged. It’s hard too especially since 3 friends of mine have gotten engaged within the last year. There are some days when I just sit there thinking “when will it be my turn??”. Im sorry I can’t help much. Maybe try to plan slowly…Like start looking for dress inspirations or create inspiration boards or try coming up with colors or themes for your wedding. Anything to pass the time i guess….  🙁

Post # 5
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I  haven’t  dealt with  a  long  engagement.  IMH, you should  both  discuss  what do  you envision i.e. he wants  to  wait  until 2015  to  do  ______?   Maybe trying  to figure  what  type  of  wedding  you  both want or  if  any professional  goals  need to  be  priotized  prior  to  the  wedding. Communication  is  key!

Post # 7
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@ashxcaitlyn:  Hi friend! You and I are in the same boat. FI and I are waiting until around 2015-2016 to get married. I have to finish school, and I want both of us to have jobs and money saved up so we can have a proper, big white wedding. But, FI wants so badly to put a ring on my finger so he did it earlier than I would have wanted. I feel your frustration. 

I found that being on Weddingbee and helping these wonderful brides out can help. I also find comfort that if I have all this time to plan, I will be a pro when the real wedding comes around. I can even reserve my dream venue like 3 years in advance! 

Mostly, I’m trying to live in the moment and enjoy the stage of life I’m in now, but still look forward to the future. Feel free to vent to me any time you want! I sympathsize. 

Post # 8
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ashxcaitlyn:  I’ll be honest, it does seem odd that he’s proposed if he says you two aren’t ready for marriage. Since you’re 20, you’re considered dependent on the FAFSA, I take it? I’m 21 and I am also, but getting married will make me independent. As a dependent I get almost no aid, but since we make so little money, as a married independent school will be practically free for me next year. Financially, it made more sense for us to marry now when we’re poor than to wait, since I’m saving money on school. Maybe look into that aspect?

Also, if you’re already living together… are you paying your own expenses now? Are your parents helping out? When you say he wants to be more financially stable… how are you surviving right now? Does he mean he wants to save up for a big fancy wedding? Because if you’re living together and surviving on your own now, marriage wouldn’t be all that different, most likely… our finances will change very little when we get married (although we don’t live together yet so we’ll save money there too).

But then, I got engaged at 19 and will be married at 21, so I’m probably more biased to side with you anyway! haha. But maybe sit down and look at which would be financially better for you…  be prepared for the opposite result though, just in case- no two situations are the same.

Post # 9
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@ashxcaitlyn:  I don’t think you’re too young. I just turned 21 last month, and I’m certain that FI and I are ready.

I’m not really sure how to relate to your situation, since FI and I didn’t want to live together before we were married, so that probably did play a factor in him changing his mind and wanting to tie the knot.

If you’re already living together, paying your own expenses, etc, I’m not really sure how having a piece of paper is going to suddenly make your financial situation any different, y’know? Like… if you’re planning on living together all through school, job searching, etc, it’s similar to being married only… not. So yeah, I totally agree that he shouldn’t have asked you if he didn’t feel like you guys were ready. :/ You don’t get engaged until you’re ready to be married, you’re absolutely right.

I’m guessing that from his point of view, you’re already sort of his live-in unofficial wife, so he probably doesn’t really see the benefits of changing your situation when in his mind the arrangement is already working pretty well for him to begin with.

Did you guys discuss any of this before getting engaged? Like did you ever talk about how long you wanted to be engaged, when you wanted to get married, what your expectations for the relationship were, etc? Were you kind of pushing for an engagement? I’m not saying this is your situation, but I do know a woman whose SO proposed to her because the girl was really pushing for a wedding and the guy wasn’t ready. So her guy proposed to her to kind of try to whet her wedding appetite, so to speak. I think in his words it was, “to get her off his back.” 🙁 Again, I TOTALLY don’t wanna just ASSUME that’s your situation.

I just ask if you guys have talked about this because I think FI and I had already pretty much discussed general timelines, how long we wanted to be engaged, etc. So things have been more smooth between us because we’ve been on the same page since the beginning. He actually proposed a bit sooner than I was expecting, but it wasn’t way outside of the general timeframe we’d discussed or anything.

Post # 12
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ashxcaitlyn:  Are you familiar with how the FAFSA works? Have you filled it out before? I knew that my parents made a lot of money and we make very little, so I knew I would get way more help as an independent. I spoke to a financial aid adviser to find out exactly what my EFC (estimated family contribution) would be, and they told me $0… basically, I’ll get full aid. That does include some loans, but it also includes grants and work study, which are great. Do some googling and talk to your school’s financial aid. You’d need to know exactly how much money you and your FI are making combined right now.

As for waiting for stable jobs and a house… I mean, I guess I can see that point of view EXCEPT that you’re already living together and paying your own expenses. Nothing would change when you get married, except that piece of paper, so I would seriously be bothered by the “finances” excuse when absolutely nothing would change anyway. Also, he proposed! I think there’s a serious problem if you feel like discussing marriage is “pushing” marriage- to me, an engagement means you’ve discussed marriage and are ready to seriously start the process! If you can’t talk about it, that’s a problem. Make him sit down and discuss your concerns… a man you want to marry shouldn’t blow off something this big.

Post # 13
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

This website might help you. I know I totally plan on filing as an independent for the year after FI and I get married.

http://www.finaid.org/fafsa/maximize.phtml

According to this article, under the “Dependency Status” section:

“The requirements for a student to be considered independent are rather strict. Only two are reasonably under the student’s control and those are

  • getting married before submitting the FAFSA

 

  • delaying college until age 24

Either of these will qualify the student as independent for the awarding of federal funds.”

Basically when you file your FAFSA, they don’t take into account your parents’ incomes anymore when they are deciding how much aid that you can be awarded.

You should also check with your school’s financial aid programs as well. Some schools do offer financial aid specifically to married students.

ETA: Isn’t everyone who goes to a public university required to file a FAFSA? That was the impression I was under.

Post # 16
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@ashxcaitlyn:  It’s definitely something to talk about. I definitely agree with galloway111. You’re engaged! It’s completely silly not to be able to talk about marriage when you’re ENGAGED.

Definitely try handle the subject delicately.You know you’re FI best, but if he feels like you’re trying to ‘force’ him into something, he may dig his heels in and decide to be stubborn just because.

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