Weddingbee boards

Ugh, I am so upset over this and I need some solid opinions.

Mr. Tacos has made a loud statement about how he needs me to "be a part of" his family before he will put a ring on it.  I thought I was doing fine with the parents, minus some miscommunication here and there.  But apparently not.  Now, he wants me to call his mother to talk like FSIL does (she has been a part of the "family" for eight years) and call his father to ask about math questions (he's an economics professor). 

My first reaction was almost laughter.  You're kidding, right?  His mother barely accepts me as it is because she's losing her little boy and he's begun to make some power plays that I think have stung her.  Then there was the recent debacle of how she thought I didn't catch her "hints" about feeding her the day before his procedure (I don't even live there!).  Conversation has flowed but is always strained in one way or another, because I get the sense she would rather be doing something else.  And often times, she takes calls while we're visiting with one another.

FSIL and FMIL have a relationship that some of you Bees have - near BFF qualities and easy conversation.  I told Mr. Tacos FROM THE BEGINNING that it would not be that way with us, because his brother was the one in the family who rebelled.  His brother was the one who was more independent.  I would never expect Mr. Tacos or ANYONE I was with to call my parents to chat unless that chat had a purpose.

His expectations came out of left field and I can assure you, I won't meet them.  He visits the folks every weekend, and I have a life outside of that.  I agreed to go one weekend a month, but nothing beyond that because I feel they are tiring of my presence and I would rather be doing something productive. 

Any thoughts on this? 

I'll try, but beyond that I don't know what to really do.  His dad is pretty conservative and I'm 99.9% certain FSIL doesn't call him, but I don't mind asking him things in person - specifically about the religion.

But the mom is another animal.  Her moods change and I don't know what to expect sometimes.  She'll definitely surprise me by cooking something I adore every once in a while, but then her actions sometimes negate my position.

The parents are separated so it's more tricky.  I have to adapt to each home I visit.  Gah.

But that's a good idea.  I will try to see if there is something I come up with in terms of conversation starters.

Yeah.  While I don't think she's at a point where she may start laying those cards on the table - I see us heading in that direction.  I do empathise with her; she is "losing" both of her sons.  I get it.  I would probably be upset as well.  But I hardly think she's "losing" him if I willing say "go spend time with your parents!".  Especially since I'd like to get heavily involved with other things on my weekends.

I'm not really sure why he's overly attached to his family, but I grew up differently.  It could be a cultural thing for him.  I was in a military family and always very independent of my parents or siblings.

I have a feeling FMIL said something comparing me to FSIL which started this entire thing.  Maybe related to the food incident, perhaps how she cooks for her.

Something had to trigger it.

@finnaroo

Understood.  But I think one thing he needs to realize is that I don't want to spend every weekend with them.  It's totally unrealistic.  I have hobbies and goals and have recently begun braching back out to friends I've been sadly neglecting.  I want to have my weekends to myself for the most part.  I suppose that could be part of the issue.

That is kind of where I'm at.  All of a sudden he's very insistent that I move relationships with his parents to the forefront but he is concurrently saying he isn't sure if he'll be ready to get engaged this year.  I'm absolutely balking at this because I've never been rude or standoffish to his folks, and I think it's ridiculous that I work on relationships with people who won't necessarily be in my life.  I've expressed that to him, but he has told me this is one of the contingencies because he wants his wife to be a part of the family.

Again, I haven't done ANYTHING to suggest I was not interested or not trying.  All I've done was take back my weekends because I need a life, and his parents don't want or need to see me EVERY weekend.

I am sorry to hear that he is holding your ring over your head. I feel like as long as you are decent to their family and you visit every now and then and make an effort to be respectful to his relationship with his parents what else are you expected to do. I personally feel like its time for mom to realize their sons are no longer children and how she is lucky to have two new FDIL. I am not BFF with my FMIL, but I respect her and adore her and he feels the same to my parents. I guess my main point is as long as you arent being rude to her he should appreciate your effort for trying to be nice to her when at times she isnt that nice to you.

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it.  He is meeting my mother for the first time tonight since she's in town, so perhaps this will shed some light on my background.  It is a very important conversation which blindsided me, because I thought everything was fine the way it was going.  And apparently he does not because he has other expectations.  Hopefully we can compromise, but I am concerned that he and I will not be able to come to a resolution.  Unfortunately I cannot commit to making his parents my highest priority, because my own parents aren't even number one on that list.  I just don't have that relationship and I don't want it. 

It's interesting how all of the sudden this comes up, but obviously it was necessary.

Exactly.  But now that you bring it up, his mother has invited me on two occassions to meet with her and her friend at a mall and also to go out with her.  The problem is, his parents live 50 miles away from me.  And while it's no big deal for him to drive there, it is for me seeing as these outings are always last minute and when I have other plans.  So maybe someone feels slighted because of that, I'm not sure.

Although last time I went, shortly after the food incident, we were supposed to go see a movie together but she said she was too tired and seemed despondent.  I took it to mean she was upset with someone and let her know it was no big deal, but Mr. Tacos kept insisting I stay the night with her when it was obvious she wanted to be alone for one reason or another.  Obviously I didn't stay, but I graciously got myself out of the situation.

So who knows.  Something is going on and I don't understand it yet.

Luckily we're not too bad.  We do polite things like buy each other small gifts, and for the most part she is welcoming. 

I'm not sure what I want to do about this.  I love him very much, and I hope he becomes my husband one day.  I suppose we'll see. 

We are both approaching 30.  I think a lot of his attachment to his parents stems from their recent divorce, and this is a byproduct of how he is managing it.

Not that I think it is a healthy one.  It is not his, or my, job to keep the "family together".  He hasn't outwardly said that... but his actions would indicate otherwise.

I respect both of his parents for many reasons, but I won't be that close with either one of them.  Not to the point of calling them up just to "talk", like he insinuates FSIL does. 

I have to say that I kind of understand where your BF is coming from because family is really important to me.  That being said, my family works on welcoming people and treats SOs well. 

The idea of a demand that you become closer to his family before you get your "reward" leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  How would he like it if you started playing that game as well ei: no more "fun time" until I get my ring.  It would be wrong to do that and I think what he is doing is wrong as well.

Not good.