posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

i think you’re having jitters.  Those don’t sound like REAL doubts to me.  You’re thinking something isn’t right because you didn’t have the hollywood whirlwind super intense romance.  Lots of people don’t and it’s okay.  You said yourself you love this man deeply.  Moving in together is a big step, and it’s a scary one.  It makes everything real.  I think you’re just realizing that everything is happening quickly and it’s sort of a shock to the system if you will.  Take a deep breath, move forward, move in, and take it from there.  I think you’ll be just fine 🙂

Post # 4
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You feel trapped and suffocated?  You worry about not falling in love ever again?  Those could be signs of cold feet, but they sound more to me like you aren’t yet ready to commit to marriage.  

Maybe you should take some time.  Can you postpone moving in together until your concerns have passed?

Post # 7
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I would definitely recommend postponing the wedding date and having a long engagement while you work through your feelings.  

To me, this sounds like the kind of love you’d have for a friend but not true romantic infatuation love…  especially this early in the relationship….

Post # 8
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

“I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS MAN. I love him so much his pain is my pain, his happiness is my happiness, I protect him, I would defend him with my life”  I think this statement alone speaks volumes. It just sounds like last minute jitters. 

That being said, I think it’s great you are moving in together before getting married. It will give you a great perspective as to what married life will be like and will help you make a decision as to how you really feel. 

Post # 9
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@beeanon05:  A couple of your points sound serious to me:

the prospect of never ‘date’ again, of never getting to know someone new, of never having butterflies in my stomach again, of never have ‘mindblowing sex’ again (with my FI is pretty good, but i’ve had better) of never “falling in love” again is suffocating me a little…
I happily “gave this up” and never looked back. The rewards of marriage outweigh any “losses” from single life.
First of all, from the beggining he’s been way more into me than i have been into him.
That’s a problem – it’s a partnership, not one person adoring the other. You don’t even describe in very flattering terms, mention you’ve had better sex, and negatively compare him with men you’ve been with before.
I think any doubts are valid. Marriage is a big commitment, it’s not a game, and it’s two lives that you are messing with. If you aren’t sure, then don’t move ahead with this. I wouldn’t want someone to be with me for pity.

Post # 10
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My great grandmother always told my mom and I that the secret to her happy marriage was that she “married someone who loved her just a LITTLE bit more than she loved him.” I think it’s true in a way. I was in a relationship before where I was definitely way more into him than he was into me. It didn’t go well. 

With DH, we are certainly in love with each other more than anyone I’ve ever met. But it’s nice knowing that he’s truly head-over-heels with me, I guess it keeps him making sure he “deserves” me. He treats me well and does so many nice things for me, and it works.

Post # 11
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@beeanon05:  I think your post is insightful, and really highlights the fact that you are taking all of this very seriously.  Because, IT IS SERIOUS!!  Moving in together, marriage, vowing to be with someone ’til death do you part’ is not a decision to be made because ‘you think you should’ (whether it is due to age, length of relationship, or pressure from others), but rather because you want it.  You want it for you, your spouse, and your relationship!

I do not feel you are questioning the relatonship.  You seem to really love this man, but that you have apprehension of the HUGE, BOLD committment a marriage makes.  However, I do not believe that marriage – the actual act or the license – makes a relationship any more ‘real’ or ‘valid’.  I do not think a marriage needs to be the ‘next’ step. I think a relationhip can grow the same way a marraige does thru being committed to one another, having kids, buying a home together, etc, etc, etc.

I also think jitters before marriage are normal too.  I love that after vocalizing them to him, he responded he knows this is how you are!!  And much like in knowing how you are, he knows this too shall pass, and maybe it will!  I think you can still have a wonderful partnership, and maintain your individuality, your independence, and *gasp* not have butterflies all the time!!  Love came to you in a different way than other relationships, where it was established over time, and not right away, and guess what?  That is OK!  Maybe that is why he has worked out for you, vs. why others did not.  The infatuation phase came and went, and the relationship dwindled. Whereas you had a friendship with him first, which ultimately stood the test of time.

I am all over the board on my post to you 🙂  Bottom line, if committing via a marriage is something that would scare you so far the other way, as in running away, then marriage need not be a first priority (provided your FI agress with you on giving it time, etc).  The relationship is what matters most, and so, I think you need to ask yourself that thru all the uncertainties, can you imagine your life without him?  I think we all go thru the ‘this is it’ phase!  We all know we will not, in a perfect world, date again/sleep with someone new, etc, but the thought of in doing that you would not be with THIS PERSON is enough to ensure you are making the right decision all the way around!


Post # 14
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@beeanon05:  I had a similar issue when it came to settling down with DH. There was actually an exboyfriend who came back into the picture when I was trying to decide where things stood with DH. We were at the point where it was either “shit or get off the pot” for lack of a better expression. The ex and I had a crazy, passionate, head over heels in love, mind blowing sexual relationship whereas DH has always and will always be my best friend. I ended up chosing DH, and we progressed with our relationship (getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, and now having a baby). It has been over 5 years and I can say with 100% certainty I made the right decision. I believe that no matter how great your relationship, passion will always fade. There are times when you fall out of love with your partner and life gets in the way. When that happens, are you left with someone you still want to be around and spend time with?

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