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ok...my boyfriend of 6 yrs proposed last sat. It was so sweet. He had asked my dad for permission and my children, it was perfect. When he gave me the ring, I exclaimed "is it real?" and he said "well you wondered where my paychecks went"...we laughed....next few days I kept asking questions about my ring. He said it is 1.5 carats, he got paperwork on it, I told him its huge and he got me a rock! I sent pics to everyone and everyone also says wow what a rock. I told him I felt like I would be robbed, everything I said, he went along with and kept me going. Well I found out, unentionally that he bought my ring on ebay for $10 and it's not a CZ but a lab made stone. I confronted him after feeling ill and crying. How could he lie to me? How could he what my face and then just continue to let me believe something that wasnt true. He said he thought it would be ugly for $10 but once he got it, he loved it and he figured he would tell me "sometime". Please understand that this guy has given me a ton of gifts, Ipod touch, laptop, 3 other rings....but then the most important gift he could ever giveme, he spent $10 on? So yes, Im upset about 2 things. #1,...The lying makes my stomach sick. Ive been with him 6 yrs. He knows I would of been happy with a piece of string. As long as he told me it was string and didnt try to play it off as something else. He should know he could of talked to me about anything and if he feels he cant then why should we marry? This will be my 3rd marriage. I never wanted to do this again unless I was 100% sure it was right, and to go into it starting with a lie really bothers me. Yes he's apologized. #2....$10??? Come on now. I feel insulted. It would of never have mattered the price of the ring if it was done in honesty, but now that it was brought to my attention in a lie, it does matter that it was $10. Theyre two rings so that makes them $5 a piece. I just dont know what to do or how to feel. Ive sat in bed all day going over this. Do I just forget it and be happy he proposed or what do I do? It would help if he said "I will never lie to you again", but he hasnt. He has just said he didnt think it mattered then when he saw how happy I was, he didnt want to diappoint me. BUt what if I had went to the jewelers and found out that way? How embarrassing. I dont want to be materalistic but at the same time, every girl dreams of this and how its supposed to be. And even though I was married twice before, it was because I had kids. There was no "real" wedding and the marriages sucked. I was young. Please help with some advice. I feel bad for being depressed about this, he has seen me, but what do I do, say or feel??? HELP!!
I'm so sorry you're facing this so shortly after experiencing the high of getting engaged. I would also be hurt that he lied. Like you said - if he proposed with a string you would have loved it just as much..but why lie?! How long would he have kept the lie up for? This really would be a red flag for me..but you need to determine how important this lie is to you b/c only you know what your tolerance for lies is.
I think you need to sit down and explain to your FI how your feeling. I think you deserve more than just an apology - you deserve an explanation. This is NOT something I would forgive easily since he was essentially trying to fool you...
I am sorry, but you keep saying you would haev been happy with a string and then you contradict yourself, several times. You were ecstatic when he gave it to you, so I think you should try to be happy with it; however, I also think that it was wrong of him not to come clean when you asked about it. I am sure that he was just very embarrassed and now feels backed into a corner. I suggest that you have a calm talk with him and let him know that it was the lie that made you mad; not that he got you a ring that literally saved the budget. I would also ask him about "where" the extra money from his pay check is going, if not to the household.
I would be livid if my FI did that to me; lied to me, not so much the ring. I would be disappointed with him and I would be upset that he thought so little of me not to tell me the truth, and this probably sounds selfish, but I would also like to know there would be an upgrade available in the future. Maybe this is not really the ring, and he is waiting to get the other one. I would also ask to see the "paperwork". Sorry, the lie is not a good thing. It would make me wonder what other things he lied about.
I see where you are coming from and I would be mad too. A string is plainly a string and is not masquerading as something else, whereas this ring WAS disguised and THEN he also lied. And to add insult to injury, it was only ten dollars. My question would be "why order the ten dollar ring in the first place?" What was the thinking behind that - because that is weird to me.
Also, I got "lied" to during my engagement process. I was really ready to get engaged, and FI was dragging his feet. One night he told me "the ring is on the way. six weeks." He was drunk, and it was a very BAD lie just to buy time. Now we are engaged and I do trust him...but there were some shaky moments.
Do you think he feels unsure? Or is he a typical clueless guy? ;-)
The thing that stands out from everything you said was that he said "well you wondered where my paychecks went..." This isn't just a case of someone who was planning to tell you but then changed his mind when he saw you happy...were you really questioning where his money was going? The fact the ring is not made of diamonds is not significant, but $10?? I'm sorry, but my first thought is that something else is going on.
What is it made of? Sterling silver? There are a lot of rings that are made of gold with synthetic or stimulant diamonds that are still inexpensive. That just sounds like someone he could have bought off one of the cards at Kohl's.
The thing that really bothers me is that he lied. Obviously, you have been wondering where his money was going and since it didn't go to an engagement ring, I wonder where it really went.
He shouldn't have lied. To go as far to say "You've wondered where my paychecks have been going..." is just unreal. Um, if he only spent $10 on the ring-- where DID the checks go??
I don't actually have a problem with him spending $10 on a ring. If my FI spent that, I wouldn't care... if he loved it & it was bought out of love then whatever! The lying is not cool though. Time for a talk. I think you need to figure out where he's been spending his money & what else he's been lying about.
Well where are his paychecks going then? That's my question.
I am sorry he lied to you. I would ask him where all the money went, and get to the bottom of this.
I am so sorry that this happened to you :(
I would be upset, too. It is awful to be lied to, I know because I've been there too and really the only way to get over it is to get to the bottom of it. You have to talk to him and let him know that you need to know the whole truth, including where the money really went, and why he felt he needed to lie in the first place.
I get what you're saying with the $10 thing. If he had proposed and IMMEDIATELY said "It's only a $10 ring, but I love you and wanted to show you." you'd be happy. But even if he HAD proposed with a string, or told you it was a $10 ring, there is still the expectation there that he will (oneday) get you "something better" whatever that means to the two of you. But instead he gave you a ring, made it sound expensive and fancy, and never let you in on the fact that it's not actually the $4k ring you thought it was. Proposing with a 25 cent string is romantic if done right, proposing with a $10 ring and then LYING about it is just wrong. I seriously don't think he takes you very seriously, he can't even be honest about one thing!
This is not a man I would marry. For a lot of reasons, and I think you know them all.
Like everyone else already said, it's not about the ten dollars. It's about being dishonest. And yes, where is the money? Finances are a really important issue and you need to make sure that you're ok with each other's spending habits.
I get where your coming from... but in defense of men who buy rings from ebay my husband bought a 1.5 carat ring for around 500 dollars. The diamond isn't perfect but it was beautiful and in our price range :)
I would totally be pissed he lied to me though. I noticed he said, "Where do you think my paychecks have been going?" I think it's time to ask.
girl, find out where he's been spending his $$. its not about the ring, its about the lie.
I think deep down you know the truth and what you should do, even though it's hard. I wouldn't marry someone who lied to me this way. Do you want him to lie to you every time he knows it will make you happy? No trust= no relationship. If you feel you can get past it and trust him again, then go for it, otherwise, I would seriously think this one over. I'm sorry you're going through this :(
Lies in small things indicate lies in bigger ones; who knows what else this man is keeping from you. I'm with texaslaw on this one - give him his $10 ring back and run!
I do not condone his lying, but I can understand it. You have been questioning him about his money already, so I would not be at all surprised if this were something he may feel insecure about. And then, you immediately asked if it were real -- we do not know how this unfolded, but if he were already self-conscious about the money and then saw your exuberant reaction to the ring combined with what could easily have come across as an accusatory question, he lied to you, even if maybe he didn't mean to up front. So, I would not run to break up with him, but I would not just let it go as if nothing happened, either. Talk to him about it.
Ok, lets not defend a man who bought his fiancee a TEN DOLLAR ring off of Ebay and sat back while she told all of her family and friends. To me it is inexcusable, and all of the other posters have said exactly why. How anyone could come up with a valid "reason" why this behaivor is okay is beyond me.
that's just wrong...that's all I can say- I agree with texaslawgirl, there's just no excuse...
I'm sorry you're going through this. I would definitely talk to him because a lie like that, dealing with money can turn into real financial problems in the future.
What he did was wrong definitely, and lying is never okay. BUT I would never say don't marry him because he made one mistake. It was a mistake he made while trying to make you happy and he probably felt bad that he couldn't afford an expensive ring so he found one that looked like it and was so happy when you got excited about it. I don't think that something like that is inexcusable, it's just too bad that it happened that way.
I do agree that you two should have a serious discussion about how his lying hurt you, and if money has been disappearing then you should find out why as well. I definitely understand why you would be hurt/angry but guys are kinda clueless sometimes and I really don't think he ever meant to lie, I think he just didn't clue in to the fact that what he was doing was wrong. He has apologized and that's what's important and as long as you two can work things through and rebuild the trust then you should be able to move past this.
Wow - I'm with the girls wondering where DID all of his paychecks go?
Thank you all for responding. I did have another talk with him. He says there were no "missing" paychecks or missing money. It just popped out of his mouth. He said he did plan on tellingme but he has never seen me so happy that he didnt want to ruin it. He has cried and has now said he will never lie again. I gotta say that besides this deal, he is the most wonderful guy Ive ever met. Takes me for who I am with all my baggage. I have 4 children whom he adores and they love him just as much. He treats me GREAT! I guess thats why this was such a shocker. I think he gets the point that I was majorly upset, confused and hurt. I sat in bed and didnt eat, I felt so sick. He says he's sorry he ruined this and he's practically begged for forgiveness. I told him if he ever lies again, we will need a marriage counsler cause I dont play that way. Im not a liar and I dont like being lied to. But after lots of thought and taking all your guys' answers into consideration, I do believe it was an honest mistake. (the not telling me). As far as a $10 ring....I gotta say, I would of NEVER guessed it. Its honestly gorgeous. I want/wanted a REAL ring, but I can wait for that and would of had no prob with it if I had known from day 1. Im not gonna leave him cause of this. Not at all. But I will def have some trust issues for awhile. He said he wanted to give me real diamonds this big, but couldnt, so to him, this was the next best thing...???? Guys MUST be clueless. Well I schooled him on the importance of all this (the ring, the lying), and I told him ALL women want to know about their rings theyre given. Its in our blood. Women like bling and esp if they "think" its real, theyre gonna ask questions about it. I just didnt like the fact that he played it off when I asked questions several different times. He had chances to tell the truth and he didnt. He still wasnt the reason I knew, I found out on MY OWN. Anyways, I asked him if anyone knew the truth and he said no. I told him he should of spoke to his mom about it and got her opinon from day 1. And I guess its just metal thats white gold plated, with a 1.5 carat lab made rock. I dont really know as I still have yet to see these "paperworks". Thank you all so much for your advice and being there. I was so lost and didnt want to call and tell anyone, so when I found this website, it was a God-send. Thank you all. And honestly, I really didnt notice his checks being short and I said that that night. I asked him where he came up with that and he said he didnt know. He's a good guy with good intentions, I think he got in over his head and didnt know how to let me down, so to speak. Im ok now, and its ok now, Im just gonna go back to enjoying my engagement and try to pretend this never happened. And in the future, yes, he will be buying me something that I know didnt cost $10. As much as thats a good deal and good on our budget, its also kinda wrong. We are not hurting for money at all. Thats why it confused me. He said he did it (bought it) on an inpulse cause he didnt want to wait to ask me anymore, and thought it would look cheap but when he got it he was surprised how nice it was and just went through with it. Its the thought that counts, but yes, the lie sucked and had no need to be lied about. I hope he understands this now. SO BE CAREFUL LADIES---IF YOU TELL YOUR MAN "I DONT CARE WHAT RING YOU GIVE ME".......HE JUST MAY TAKE YOU LITERALLY...LOL... I would of taken string, But I would of secretly wished for gold yarn :)
So tricky....I'm going to get flack for saying this:
I have a bit of experience with this. My engagement ring is sterling silver 0.75 carat cubic zirconia and it cost about $30. Yeah, I knew going into our engagement that it was fake, in fact I picked it out b/c I didn't want such a huge cz stone b/c I knew it would be a dead give away for being fake. I was still disappointed when he proposed and still am to some degree, but atleast I can admit it to those close to me that it is not a diamond and have slowly started to accept it. However, I realize that this all my fiance can afford and am willing to wait later in our marriage for a ring that is "worth" more and is my style (I'm not a huge fan of diamonds which I didn't realize until after I got my cz which is a great, since he didn't spend a ton of money on a diamond ring). I look at it like it's more important for me to marry this man than to wear a more expensive ring. For some, it's okay to live with and other it isn't.
I'm assuming he just doesn't have the will to put away money or just doesn't have that much money to afford this. If this was a temporary fix, until he can get you something better, then consider that.
Lying is wrong, and I think he was afraid to tell you. A lot of women (myself included) put a ton of pressure on their significant other's to buy them really nice things or a ring that's "worth" something, flashy and something to show off. If he's lying to make you happy it shows he isn't ready (as another poster said). It's not a bad thing to not be fully prepared...it just means you two should consider a longer engagement. He should have really thought about this before he proposed, hindsight is 20/20
Also, I know most people would be disappointed if they knew that they were given a fake or suggest a bubblegum ring would suffice or know their fiance can't afford a diamond ring. Most (not all) people stating that they'd be okay with something other than a diamond ring, really wouldn't if they were in that situation. Just calmly talk to him and maybe suggest holding off getting married until he puts more thought, planning, and a bit more money into the ring :)
Ask yourself: is it a pretty ring? is it as pretty as a diamond and would quench that prettiness factor? or does showing the ring off and saying it's a diamond mean more? My ring is as pretty as a diamond and I'm sure yours is too :)
Good luck!
EDIT: I just read your reply before my post, I didn't see it earlier. I guess my advice isn't necessary! Congrats and enjoy your engagement :)
I agree that this may just be a one time mistake of his, and obviously it's not a reason to leave him for (unless there really were more lies about missing paychecks, etc. but it sounds like there weren't). Maybe if you're so uncomfortable about having a ring that may be found out to be fake or something, you could both go together to pick out something affordable (gemstone ring, silver, or something) so that you'd feel more comfortable about it. If anyone asked you could just say you were uncomfortable with such a large ring and swapped for something smaller?
I would not trust him again... I mean it wasn't a watch it was THE ENGAGEMENT ring!! The one jewelry item that hold one of the most important promise in all your life. Its not about the price for me its about the lie.
I am so happy that you both talked and got everything out in the open. You still have a lot of time prior to your wedding, so maybe you can suggest that he can do a reproposal sometime before the wedding. My FI gave me a ring about 9 years ago, and it wasn't really my dream ring. He always said we would upgrade, but I didn't really find it neccessary, until he actually did do a reproposal with a ring that is my dream ring. I just didn't know it at the time. Mine came from Shane Company, and they do lay a way, so if that is an option for you both, you might try that.
So what has he been doing with his paychecks??
You can always upgrade, but he shouldnt lie
What's some more of your background and the relationship JennaT?
I have heard also only of good quality rings being made by a lab. Whether its your first marriage or a second or third (as you said), I would be more concerned about the lying than about the ring at all.
For us, truth is extremely important, and is something that has to be a foundation of our marriage.
Lying to avoid an unpleasant reaction is a coping technique my ex used and could only potentially snowball if not dealt with and overcome.
I'm glad you both had a chance to talk! I hope that moving forward he can earn your trust again. If he is the wonderful guy you say he is, then this will just end up as a bump in the road that you will laugh about some day. If you feel like the trust is gone never to be recovered then you probably have some serious thinking to do. Good luck!
There is nothing wrong with a diamond made in a lab at all!!!!!! At least you know its not a blood diamond :)
As a couples' counselor I would say that this big of a lie is a real RED FLAG! Be REALLY sure that you can trust him before you tie the knot w/ him.
I am seeing huge warning signs:
Firstly if he can aford to by you an ipod touch and a lap top how can he not afford to by you a proper ring.
You obviously would know how much he earns could he afford to by u those gifts? if not, where did the money come from?
Even if he is strapped for cash surely he could afford something more than a $10 ring, he probably spent more on lunch that day.
He also sat back not saying anything when u were telling people about the ring, I am sure you feel a little embaresed now, (not that u could help it)
I think there are big issues here behind this which u nee to sort out b4 you get married.
Furthermore has he offered to buy u another one?
Okay, not that it matters now, but I want to see the ring. You have me curious. lol. Can you post pics? And congrats on your engagement and working everything out. I actually asked for a CZ because I think it is rediculous to spend so much money on a ring but he said no. Now I just have a little diamond. lol. But I am happy. Its the meaning behind the ring rather than the ring itself.
honey, think about it very, very carefully.
he buys you ipods and laptops. which is much cheaper than a 1.5 "real diamond" ring.
if he can't pay upfront for the purchases that REALLY matter in life, and has to lie about it, how is he going to be able to financially support you?
also, if he can't afford a 1.5 "real diamond" ring, he could always buy you a more modest ring made with quality products, not a 10 dollar toy ring from Ebay.
to me, that seems like an egoistical move (especially if he kept mum while you told your family about it).
egoistical = no bueno.
think reaaaal reaaal hard...
Good luck with everything! I'm sure he'll get you your dream ring! It sounds like he really wasn't trying to be a jerk, just had a "guy moment" and wasn't fully thinking!
A lie is a lie. He should never lie to you about anything! Me, personally, I don't tolerate lies. I waited many years (I am almost 40) to find my best friend and confidant and someone who wouldn't lie to me, and I will never regret waiting.
Hmmm yeah, shady. Ok so if this guy bought you I-pods and computers then why would he even LOOK at $10 rings for the most important gift he would ever give you??? And if he thought in the first place that he wouldnt like the ring then why did he get it?? And where DID his paychecks go????
You have every right to be upset. And no offence but if he can affored all the other gifts he can buy for you then he could've spent more then $10 on a ring. Im sorry this happend. And I would be nipping it in the butt before we went on with planning a wedding.
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