Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years now. We have been talking about getting engaged for the past year. A couple weeks ago we picked out the ring and it is patiently waiting in my soon to be fiance’s bedroom. I am THRILLED and so anxious to finally be engaged, but my parents completely disapprove. I moved to a different state to be with my boyfriend and my parents feel that he has taken me away from them, even though the move was 100% my choice. They didn’t think our relationship would last and that I was making a huge mistake. My dad always said that he never wanted to meet him or have anything to do with him. My boyfriend has even tried reaching out my parents previously and my parents decided not to respond.
I went back home for Thanksgiving and broke it to my parents that I would probably be getting engaged soon and my boyfriend would like to call my dad beforehand. My dad said that he would talk to him if it would make me happy but said he rather do it in person; however, he wouldn’t be able to come for another 4 weeks. My boyfriend was planning to propose sometime before Christmas which is why he wanted to call my dad. I told my dad that he could fly down to meet my boyfriend and left on that note.
Today, I called my dad and asked him if my boyfriend could call him to ask him for my hand in marriage and still meet him later in December. I told my dad that my boyfriend had a plan to propose sooner and would like to talk to him before and still meet him afterwards. My dad started accusing me of being engaged already and lying about everything. He said he needs to think about everythig before he makes a decision.
I feel so bad for my boyfriend that he has to deal with all this, he is already tired hearing about my parents and their disapproval and I feel that it will never end. This is supposed to be such a happy time and my parents are turning it into a nightmare.
Post # 3
@emonte12: Awkward situation! *Hugs*
I like the sentiment of him asking your hand in marriage, but at the same time… if your dad said no, would you listen?
I don’t really see why this has to be a permission thing. I would have insisted that at some point your family meets you SO, but to make it an asking your hand in marriage thing… meh.
Could you just tell your dad something like “Look, I just want you to get along. We thought it would be a nice gesture for him to ask your permission, but we want to get married regardless. He’s going to be a part of my life and you and mom are so important to me I just want this to be a happy occasion! We will fly out when we can, but for now will you please let him call you?”
Post # 4
@canarydiamond: Thanks for your reply!
Well, it was completely my dad’s idea to fly down to talk to my boyfriend. Which neither of us mind, but we rather be engaged first. My dad just thinks they need to meet before it happens. I am supposed to call my dad back later today. I think I will tell him that my boyfriend will call him and I would appreciate if they could talk. I’ll also say that we would like to have them down for Christmas as well.
Just hoping my dad can agree to the phone call. He needs to realize that our engagement will happen on OUR time, not his. But that’s just my opinion..
Post # 5
Personally I don’t think that your dad should even be asked for permission. Mainly because your parents want nothing to do with him all because he took their daughter away. Your FI has even put in the effort to build the relationship with your parents and was shot down.
My husband and I met on a blind date that my brother set us up on. I was visiting my brother. I lived in Winnipeg and my husband lived in Ottawa. August 2007 is when we met and I was moving in with him January 2008. Did my parents approve? Absolutely not! But that didn’t change the fact that I loved him so they got to know him for who he was and wasn’t bitter that he “took their daughter away”.
Your parents have never been supportive of your relationship and they never even gave your guy a chance. It sounds like your parents need an ultimatum. I mean it would be one thing if your guy did something to deserve it but your parents are just being plain ol’ resentful and it shouldn’t be tolerated.
Post # 6
Well, I just got off the phone with my dad. He said that he does not approve, that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that he does not support me. He says that my boyfriend can call him towards the end of the week if he still wants to, but he made no promises that he would try to get along. He said he would just “go from there” after the phone call. He thinks I’m already engaged and just trying to “cover my ass to make things right”. He also said that he will not come in December to meet my boyfriend.
I don’t know what to do..
Do I still have my boyfriend call my dad? I know that he wants to to be polite. Do I even call my dad once we’re engaged? I’m so hurt with all of this. I just want the parent issues to go away so I can be happy and engaged and not feel guilty about it.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
@emonte12: Why do you so badly want your father’s approval, especially when he is treating you like that?? I would just let your boyfriend propose on his terms, then call your parents with the great news if you still want to. I fear that you’re letting them ruin this amazing time in your life!
Post # 8
Why does your dad not approve? Have you asked him for specifics? Can you address his concerns?
Post # 9
My first instinct is to say NO WAY, keep your bf far away from your dad. Set some boundaries with dad about appropriate behavior toward bf, he doesn’t have to like or approve but will have to be civil if you will be spending time with eachother.
Unless your bf is up for it, then maybe his charm, which has won you over, can win over parents too? I know this is the case for me, I say hell no to my family getting in my business…FI does an excellent job dealing with their drama. But their crazy isn’t directed at him…more at me. In your case sounds a bit like it’s directed at him. He doesn’t deserve that.
Post # 10
I feel like important information is missing. WHY is your dad so against this relationship? Did you quit school to move in with SO? Are you 16? Does your SO have a history of abusive behavior or drug trafficking?
If there is literally no explanation for your dad’s feelings other than “SO took you away from them,” then I think your desire to secure your parents’ blessing is misguided. I’m sorry you’re in this position. 🙁
Post # 11
@Jijitattoo: Agree! MY response is assuming your bf has not given your parents a reason to dislike him.
Post # 12
My FH did not ask my dad for my hand in marriage, because I’m not my father’s property. It’s a tradition that dates back to medieval times when women were their father’s and then their husband’s property. Like a cow or house. I understand that some people like the tradition and sentiment, but to me it’s offensive. What if your boyfriend asks, and your dad says no? Will you marry him anyways? Will you just keep living together but not be engaged? If you two already have a ring then I say you should just get engaged. Your parents can’t make your decisions for you anymore, not about where you live or who you marry. But they do probably have your best interest at heart. WHY do they not like your boyfriend? Are they valid reasons or is it just because you’ve moved away for the first time ever?
Post # 13
Also, if I were you I would be very tempted to have a serious conversation with dad. “Look — I know you wish I’d never met SO, and that you don’t have faith in my relationship with him. But I love him, and that’s not changing. Your inability to find a way to support ME in my decisions, whether you approve of them or not, is damaging the father/daughter relationship that you and I have, and that makes me really sad. I wish you could find a way to accept SO. It would mean a lot to me.”
Post # 14
You need to protect your boyfriend, and soon to be fiance’.
Your parents clearly do not want to play ball and honestly you cannot force them.
Like one of the PPs said you need to set boundries now, apparently you aren’t going to get that close family that includes your boyfriend, and if you keep opening yourself up to your parents dictations and bad attitude your boyfriend is going to get hurt.
Get engaged when you two feel it is right, tell your parents a few weeks after though so you two can just enjoy the bliss of being engaged I can garuntee you that they’ll piss all over your two’s happiness, so enjoy it for awhile and then call and tell them. Then just keep them out of the loop for your wedding plans and send them an invite in the mail. If they come great, if not well then you basically have your answer on how deep their disapproval goes.
Maybe they just need to time to think this over, so give them their space and don’t keep trying to push yourselves on them, back off and let these guys contact you on their own terms.
I am not trying to be rude, or trying to hurt you, it just makes me sad when two people are so happy and they are ready to take that step into the next part of their lives together and parents or other family members just have to be rude about it, that makes me so angry. I am really rooting for you two!
Post # 15
So your parents disprove of your bf that they have never met yet you feel guilty about getting engaged without their approval? Do you see how contradictory those statements are? Chances of getting their approval sound slim and honestly, if you are ready to be married, shouldn’t matter.
Is it nice to have approval? Yes. Is it necessary? No. I also wonder why this is such a big deal especially when you obviously have made your own independent decisions in the past and moved away to be with him.
The idea that your father truly thinks he can say no to you getting married is ludicrous! It’s time to stand up and tell them that you will continue to make your own decisions and that their own behavior is unacceptable. Until they learn to accept your bf (or at least MEET him) things will not get better.
Post # 16
Honestly I think this is just asking for trouble. It sounds like your parents aren’t on board so what the point of your Fi asking if the answer is No?
I don’t think it’s rude of him to ask you the adult and his future mate to get married. I understand for some people it’s an issue of tradition and including the parents. But in this case if you father says no, do you plan on listening to him?
If they answer is no and it is purely symbolic I think you should let it go. I think the best thing to do is let them meet your boyfriend, hopefully they behave them selves and eventually the come to respect your relationship.