Weddingbee boards

I have a previous post abut seeking advice about how my relationship fell apart after I was offered a job (this was the middle of august) to be by my LD- FI and how I ultimatley did not take it because financially it made more sense to stay where I was, save money, and take the next offer to go.  FI initially seemed supportive, then turned resentful.

Here is where the update and total breakdown comes:

ExFI got better. Things were definitely tense between us at times, but I slowly regained confidence for the future.  I saw him a month after the rejected the offer, and we did not break up.  he admitted he needed to try harder and was mad at me but could get over it, but at the time did not know how. He made tickets to come see me in the end of october.  While I was waiting for that visit, things got hairy. He turned snarky and sarcastic toward me.  The night before he came, I said to him "if you are going to break up with me when you get here, please just don't come." He replied "It's not something Im prepared to do." He arrived, things were good.  The first day, things were really good. Second day, a little less so.  ex Fi didn't want to have any down time where we were just to hang out or watch tv. Third day, worse.  He kept comparing everything we were doing to how it would be better in his town.  he started to look at me with resentment. That night it fell apart. 

He unleashed on me about how he would never forgive me for not taking the job. He is unhappy and blames me.  HE was ready then and since I didn't take it, I wasnt committed to us. I tried explaining (yet again) that I stayed here bc I got paid so much more, and the plan was to pay off my debt, and take the next job offered.  He simply won't accept this as an answer.  he said it was selfish; that i only cared about my own money.  He says he was so excited when I got the offer, but if that was the case, I never ever saw it. he said it felt right to not be with me any more since he always will be mad.  I pleaded to let me check with the company to see if they had any openings now, and he said he didn't want me to do it because it isn't right anymore. I said this is what we've worked for, i would move right now if they had an opening.  I regretted my decision to stay, told him that, and begged forgiveness.  he took back the breakup and said he didn't want to be without me. He left here on good terms. I have tkts to go see him for t-giving and asked him if he wanted me to come. He said "I think so.  I wouldn't see why not." We kissed goodbye at the airport and said we'd see each other soon. 

Fast forward two weeks, I find out there is another opportunity to take.  I tell exFI, he isn't too positive, says he needs to think about it.  He asks if we are right together? I yes very positively, he tells me to move there tomorrow, it has been too long coming. he tells me not to cry and think about all we will do in our future. I calm down and get ready for bed.   Two hours later, he says he is so scared and can't talk to me anymore that night.  I again reassure him I love him and this is what we've worked for.  The next day i hardly hear from him and he calls that night to say he needs time.  He has been so unhappy and detatched and apparently that comes from my not moving. he doesn't believe me I want to be there now. (I do.  I truly do.)I said I couldn't believe he was doing this to me.  I have forgiven him for so much -- he didn't move back here from the get go, which I thought he would.  He gave me chlamydia.  he hired his ex-gf to work  with him every day and I had no idea for over a year until i discovered it on my own.  Yet he can't forgive me for taking the most responsible decision.  Now he wants to take some time alone and figure out why he "is selfish and what is best for him." he told me he loved he and he'd talk to me soon.  

So i sit here wondering if I will ever actually hear from him again. I partially accept that I won't.  I can't believe this is how it turned out.  I hate everything.  I am turning 30 in two weeks and I'm alone, in a job I hate, with no single friends, and not emotionally close to anyone in my family. I'm so lonely.  I spent the past 5 years working to be with this man, and in the end, I was worth nothing.  I wasn't worth moving for, and I wasn't worth waiting for. I broke down at work so many times this week.  i've been drinking like crazy. My father is an alcoholic, and I don't even drink! Everything is such a mess. I have no idea what to do. 

thank you, ladies.  it helps to have a place to get all this out. 

@pinkshoes:  when we started dating, he had been just let go of his job.  I was under the notion he was trying to move back here.  He got a really good offer where he was, so I said he had to take it.  He maintained for about the next year that he was still trying to come back.  He slowly stopped talking about it until I realized it was probably never his plan at all.  Even though he "loved" me, it was never an option for him to come back here. he made that very Very clear. 

I'm really, really sorry! :( I wish we lived closer so we could go grab coffee.

I know that even though you know that you are making good decisions it doesn't take away the pain.

I do think he was trying to emotionally manipulate you and was acting selfishly, especially after all the things you have forgiven him for. It's just too bad that he can't see that.

I'm really sorry this has happened.  I wish I could tell you things to make it better. Perhaps this is a blessing, knowing that he has selfish ways that would not help your relationship, only hinder it, to cause it to fall apart down the road.

@pinkshoes:  there is absolutely no reason why he can't come here for work.  It would not be hard for him to find a job here.  He simply likes where he is better.  He likes his friends. Know what that is? Utter selfishness.  Our relationship was never "us." it was me fitting into what he wanted for his life.  It had nothing to do with me i guess. 

@Mstomrs29:  +1 You are a wise lady!

@bluehydrangeas: I have a lot of friends who either got married (or married the person they should have the first time ;) > in their 30's. The relationships were everything they had been waiting and hoping for in their 20's. It is going to take some time to grieve, heal, etc. you you WILL get through it and you are going to meet someone fantastic who is going to treat you like the wonderful woman you deserve to be treated like. 

i despise that he didn't have the ability to actually break it off and mean it -- he did and then took it back so he could leave here on good terms.  I think of me dropping him off at the airport and he kept asking for one more kiss.....now I see he was probably doing so because he knew they would be our last.  And the fact that he says he "wants time"? Please, when is a "break" not a break up? I have to delete all of facebook because I can't deal with stalking him. i see girls who comment on his stuff and immediately think 'is he with her now?'  also, stop effing telling me you love me.  If you love someone, you do not treat them like this.  I hate that every morning when I wake up, the first thought that rockets through my brain is 'he doesn't love you. you are alone.'

@kjo:  we have been LD for 2.5.  I don't understand why it had to be NOW! or never.  When I was debating on whether or not to take the bad offer there or stay here for the time being, I asked him, and first he joked that i would be his "sugar momma" and we'd find a way to make it work.  Well, that changed.  Even when he was here and saying maybe we weren't right for each other, he kept saying he wants me now.  That "these are the best years of his life and he is spending them alone." Again to me it shows he has his own schedule, wants a girl to fit into it, and once he realized I wasn't going to, he'd drop me.  Right?

anyone else think that him saying he needed time and a break was his final (yet pussy) way of saying goodbye? I really don't think I will hear from him again. 

@bluehydrangeas:  First of all, cheer up! Breaking up with that jerk is the best gift you could give to yourself. I know I'm on and on about my ex on every post but every kind of a-holeness seems to fit him to a T. So basically, my man wanted me to move to his city (without a job) - where I had no friends or relatives. I moved and stayed there for 2 years and I was miserable every moment of it. I really regret moving to his part of the country - those were the saddest 2 years of my life that I completely wasted for the sake of a selfish jerk like him. I was so glad to come back to my own city. He never even offered to move here for my sake. I'm 30 and I broke up with him around two weeks ago. You know what, I never felt better. Let go of the trash, honey. You are much better off without him. 

Yes, you are probably right. :/

You will be better off without him, finally.

ug, and one of the most embarrassing parts is that a week ago I sent him a sweet card and inside i wrote an ee cummings poem about love/future (i am a huuuuuge cummings fan) and sent it to the then FI.  it must have gotten lost bc the last I heard from him (three days after our 'time apart' started) was a text photo of the opened card with his cat sitting on top of it.  He text to me "thank you from your two Cali boys. X" 

'thank you'?? why even respond at all?  and the 'cali boys' part? Right, because I have other boys other places. I felt like he was just mocking me.   I get enough of that mocking feeling each time I realize I have tickets to go out there in....18 days. 

@Anamagana:  yeah, when my last long relationship ended (we broke up on our 6 yr anniversary), I was given the "i need some time apart to think about things." He was banging some new skanky chick three days later.  It sickens me to wonder if this is happening literally right now as I type this. 

@peachacid:  well, doing my hobbies kind of backfired this weekend.  i love animals and volunteer and foster at a local shelter.  I fostered a kitty, and returned her after her foster period was complete.  She was a sweetheart and it was so hard for me to return her.  When she got back to the shelter, she became crazy and wild and violently aggressive.  I went in on saturday hoping that she would recognize me and calm down (she has been back there for a month) but she was mean and nasty to me. Unless she shapes up, it looks like they will put her down because she is so aggressive no one can do anyting with her.  I'd adopt her, but they are unsure if her new aggression is a permanent attitude (she is 11). I'd do anything to help her, but I wasn't in the market to own a kitty full time. She mauled my arm yesterday, and what if this is something she will always do? I don't know what to do.  This certainly isn't helping my emotional state. 

Still haven't heard from him. It has been since last wednesday.  

I hate that my first thought as soon as I wake is "he doesn't love you." I have some affirmations written on my bathroom mirror and I re-read all of the reply posts on here to get me through my day. thank you to everyone who responded. 

you have been through a lot with him it sounds like! I obviously only know what youve said on here, but to me it sounds like you are putting a lot more into this relationship than he is. Your willing to change your life around him, and he wants to think about whats best for himself!! You deserve better, much better 

it's been a week now and nothing.  It isn't getting easier to not have him there to talk.  I wish he would have had the freakin balls to break up with me when he was here and not put me through this garbage now.  with each day that goes by, i am more and more sure he is not going to come around saying 'i can't live without you. let's make this work."