I have a previous post abut seeking advice about how my relationship fell apart after I was offered a job (this was the middle of august) to be by my LD- FI and how I ultimatley did not take it because financially it made more sense to stay where I was, save money, and take the next offer to go. FI initially seemed supportive, then turned resentful.
Here is where the update and total breakdown comes:
ExFI got better. Things were definitely tense between us at times, but I slowly regained confidence for the future. I saw him a month after the rejected the offer, and we did not break up. he admitted he needed to try harder and was mad at me but could get over it, but at the time did not know how. He made tickets to come see me in the end of october. While I was waiting for that visit, things got hairy. He turned snarky and sarcastic toward me. The night before he came, I said to him "if you are going to break up with me when you get here, please just don't come." He replied "It's not something Im prepared to do." He arrived, things were good. The first day, things were really good. Second day, a little less so. ex Fi didn't want to have any down time where we were just to hang out or watch tv. Third day, worse. He kept comparing everything we were doing to how it would be better in his town. he started to look at me with resentment. That night it fell apart.
He unleashed on me about how he would never forgive me for not taking the job. He is unhappy and blames me. HE was ready then and since I didn't take it, I wasnt committed to us. I tried explaining (yet again) that I stayed here bc I got paid so much more, and the plan was to pay off my debt, and take the next job offered. He simply won't accept this as an answer. he said it was selfish; that i only cared about my own money. He says he was so excited when I got the offer, but if that was the case, I never ever saw it. he said it felt right to not be with me any more since he always will be mad. I pleaded to let me check with the company to see if they had any openings now, and he said he didn't want me to do it because it isn't right anymore. I said this is what we've worked for, i would move right now if they had an opening. I regretted my decision to stay, told him that, and begged forgiveness. he took back the breakup and said he didn't want to be without me. He left here on good terms. I have tkts to go see him for t-giving and asked him if he wanted me to come. He said "I think so. I wouldn't see why not." We kissed goodbye at the airport and said we'd see each other soon.
Fast forward two weeks, I find out there is another opportunity to take. I tell exFI, he isn't too positive, says he needs to think about it. He asks if we are right together? I yes very positively, he tells me to move there tomorrow, it has been too long coming. he tells me not to cry and think about all we will do in our future. I calm down and get ready for bed. Two hours later, he says he is so scared and can't talk to me anymore that night. I again reassure him I love him and this is what we've worked for. The next day i hardly hear from him and he calls that night to say he needs time. He has been so unhappy and detatched and apparently that comes from my not moving. he doesn't believe me I want to be there now. (I do. I truly do.)I said I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. I have forgiven him for so much -- he didn't move back here from the get go, which I thought he would. He gave me chlamydia. he hired his ex-gf to work with him every day and I had no idea for over a year until i discovered it on my own. Yet he can't forgive me for taking the most responsible decision. Now he wants to take some time alone and figure out why he "is selfish and what is best for him." he told me he loved he and he'd talk to me soon.
So i sit here wondering if I will ever actually hear from him again. I partially accept that I won't. I can't believe this is how it turned out. I hate everything. I am turning 30 in two weeks and I'm alone, in a job I hate, with no single friends, and not emotionally close to anyone in my family. I'm so lonely. I spent the past 5 years working to be with this man, and in the end, I was worth nothing. I wasn't worth moving for, and I wasn't worth waiting for. I broke down at work so many times this week. i've been drinking like crazy. My father is an alcoholic, and I don't even drink! Everything is such a mess. I have no idea what to do.
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry you're having a rough go. I do remember your previous posts. Good for you for looking out for yourself and your finances. He definitely wasn't the right man for you. If we lived in the same city, I would definitely hang out with you. (I know we don't because I live in Podunk.) Keep your chin up. Things will get better.
I'm sorry it turned out this way. But in your previous post, I think he was being a total a-hole. Even more so now. It's probably a good thing you didn't screw up your career over this guy--I think you were bound to find out sooner or later that he wouldn't be worth it.
Yikes. I know you're upset now, but making decisions that are best for YOU is vital to your happiness in the long run. Making decisions that are best for HIM will eventually destroy your relationship. I think you have given him so much support from afar, and you deserve to be with someone who is satisfied with what you have to offer. I'm so sorry thay you're having such a rough time, but I truly feel that your wounds will heal. I think if you stay, you're putting a bandaid on a situation that a bandaid can't handle.
I do remember your previous posts, and I just want to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine the emotional distress you are feeling right now. You did the right thing, in my opinion. I know you didn't have a malacious or selfish intent keeping your job. You thought you were doing the right thing for your relationship in terms of paying off your debt and to keep earning money for your future. I can understand why he would be hurt you didn't move closer, but the way he reacted is a bit much to me. I think he's giving up a great woman. I hope your heart heals quickly, Dear.
thank you, ladies. it helps to have a place to get all this out.
@bluehydrangeas: I have forgiven him for so much -- he didn't move back here from the get go, which I thought he would. He gave me chlamydia. he hired his ex-gf to work with him every day and I had no idea for over a year until i discovered it on my own. Yet he can't forgive me for taking the most responsible decision. Now he wants to take some time alone and figure out why he "is selfish and what is best for him."
I was somewhat neutral and trying to understand him being so upset that you didnt want to move back to him (althought I feel you made the right decision) until I got here. Sorry, but he sounds like a selffish jerk. He couldn't take you not moving right at the second, althought he was supposed to move back with you?? What kind of double standard bull shit is that?! He should have understood that the smart decision to stay with your job for a better position and more money would ultimately help not just you, but the BOTH of you. It was the better decision for the long run of him too. If he were so blinded by his own selffish wants, he would see that. You deserve better.
@pinkshoes: when we started dating, he had been just let go of his job. I was under the notion he was trying to move back here. He got a really good offer where he was, so I said he had to take it. He maintained for about the next year that he was still trying to come back. He slowly stopped talking about it until I realized it was probably never his plan at all. Even though he "loved" me, it was never an option for him to come back here. he made that very Very clear.
I'm really, really sorry! :( I wish we lived closer so we could go grab coffee.
I know that even though you know that you are making good decisions it doesn't take away the pain.
I do think he was trying to emotionally manipulate you and was acting selfishly, especially after all the things you have forgiven him for. It's just too bad that he can't see that.
@bluehydrangeas: That's fair enough, he got a good offer and says he had to take it. If it was the smarter option at the point, that's fine. But now why does he now that understand this was the best choice for you right now too? Even for just a little bit to chew down the debt. It sounds like doesn't want to leave where he is? If so, and you're doing everything you can to go back to where he is as soon as possible when the time is right, his behaviour is rediculous. Why isnt it an option for him to live and go to where you are??
I'm really sorry this has happened. I wish I could tell you things to make it better. Perhaps this is a blessing, knowing that he has selfish ways that would not help your relationship, only hinder it, to cause it to fall apart down the road.
I dont understand why he is so rushed? Youve been LD for 5 years? How come now its this second or never? I mean, you have the rest of your lives right?
Aside from the whole ex-gf thing, he doesnt sound like a jerk to me, but a big huge baby. But I will give him this, and you too... you moving there is a huge step in your relationship. It probably is a smart idea to take some time to think about it really well. Sounds like maybe he has some other issues going on? That is the way my FI acts when things are bothering him, and he turns into a baby all sooky and sad.
@pinkshoes: there is absolutely no reason why he can't come here for work. It would not be hard for him to find a job here. He simply likes where he is better. He likes his friends. Know what that is? Utter selfishness. Our relationship was never "us." it was me fitting into what he wanted for his life. It had nothing to do with me i guess.
Honey you are talking like 30 is old. It is not! This guy is being a selfish jerk, pure and simple. There will be other jobs and you will make new single friends. I have been down the road you are traveling. It seems like you're in this hopeless situation. You are not. Don't feel bad for taking some time to grieve for the relationship. But soon you will begin to pick yourself back up and move forward. There are better days ahead!!!
I think if his love was true, he would have waited for you wholeheartedly. I was in your situation just last year. My finace (boyfriend at the time) and I were in a LD relationship for a while. We would travel back and forth just to see each other a few times a month. Last summer I was let go of my job due to budget cuts. I had no idea if I'd get a job because the market at that time was saturated with teachers looking and applying for the same positions I was. Finally in August, right before school started, I got two calls for positions. One was a middle school position in the town where my FI lives and the other was an elementary position in the city I was from. It was the hardest decision ever, but I chose the position in my city. How easy would it have been to accept the middle school job and live with my FI? Easy. However, I felt it wasn't my time. My FI understood and for a whole year, we were back at traveling back and forth to be together. He understood that I wasn't ready to take on a middle school position. I was a 2nd year teacher who only had experience at the elementary level. I was scared of not only teaching a new subject, but a new grade level, move to a new city with NO family, no friends, etc. Slowly throughout the year we talked about things, discussed our future which made my decision this past summer so much easier. I was able to give my notice and ok with it. I moved in with him June 7th, 2012, he proposed June 30th, 2012 and we're getting married November 17, 2012. This man not only told me he loved me everyday, he proved it to my by his actions.
The point I'm trying to make by giving you my story is that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this man is giving you. He's manipulating you and making you believe YOU did something wrongm which you clearly didn't. There is no reason he should be pulling the "you're being selfish" card on you, either. You deserve to look out for you! Don't let him make you feel guilty for doing what you felt was best.
Keep your head up. Things will get better.
@bluehydrangeas: Good riddence. I agree, 30 is not old! I left my ex of 7-8 years at almost 29. I felt like I'd wasted all that time and had nothing to show for it. But it works out for the better in the end. Just do what's best for you and makes you happy, everything else will fall in place!
@Mstomrs29: +1 You are a wise lady!
@bluehydrangeas: I have a lot of friends who either got married (or married the person they should have the first time ;) > in their 30's. The relationships were everything they had been waiting and hoping for in their 20's. It is going to take some time to grieve, heal, etc. you you WILL get through it and you are going to meet someone fantastic who is going to treat you like the wonderful woman you deserve to be treated like.
i despise that he didn't have the ability to actually break it off and mean it -- he did and then took it back so he could leave here on good terms. I think of me dropping him off at the airport and he kept asking for one more kiss.....now I see he was probably doing so because he knew they would be our last. And the fact that he says he "wants time"? Please, when is a "break" not a break up? I have to delete all of facebook because I can't deal with stalking him. i see girls who comment on his stuff and immediately think 'is he with her now?' also, stop effing telling me you love me. If you love someone, you do not treat them like this. I hate that every morning when I wake up, the first thought that rockets through my brain is 'he doesn't love you. you are alone.'
@kjo: we have been LD for 2.5. I don't understand why it had to be NOW! or never. When I was debating on whether or not to take the bad offer there or stay here for the time being, I asked him, and first he joked that i would be his "sugar momma" and we'd find a way to make it work. Well, that changed. Even when he was here and saying maybe we weren't right for each other, he kept saying he wants me now. That "these are the best years of his life and he is spending them alone." Again to me it shows he has his own schedule, wants a girl to fit into it, and once he realized I wasn't going to, he'd drop me. Right?
He chose his city and being close to his friends over being with you, but blows a gasket when you won't move because you have a better job offer where you are? At least your reason was something that would have improved both of your lives in the long run. His reasons are stupid.
I moved across the country for DH years ago, and left all of my friends behind. I made new ones.
Even when he was here and saying maybe we weren't right for each other, he kept saying he wants me now. That "these are the best years of his life and he is spending them alone." Again to me it shows he has his own schedule, wants a girl to fit into it, and once he realized I wasn't going to, he'd drop me. Right?
What a dick! A guy who loves you should be frustrated that you're not moving right away, but understanding of your reasons. He should also be willing to wait as long as it takes for you to move, or not be a selfish piece of shit and move himself.
anyone else think that him saying he needed time and a break was his final (yet pussy) way of saying goodbye? I really don't think I will hear from him again.
@bluehydrangeas: First of all, cheer up! Breaking up with that jerk is the best gift you could give to yourself. I know I'm on and on about my ex on every post but every kind of a-holeness seems to fit him to a T. So basically, my man wanted me to move to his city (without a job) - where I had no friends or relatives. I moved and stayed there for 2 years and I was miserable every moment of it. I really regret moving to his part of the country - those were the saddest 2 years of my life that I completely wasted for the sake of a selfish jerk like him. I was so glad to come back to my own city. He never even offered to move here for my sake. I'm 30 and I broke up with him around two weeks ago. You know what, I never felt better. Let go of the trash, honey. You are much better off without him.
Yes, you are probably right. :/
You will be better off without him, finally.
Ah I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Honestly, you will be better off without him. It sounds like he wasn't willing to compromise, and doesn't really know what he wants. I can't imagine how hurt you feel. Let me know if you want to grab coffee, I live in Chicago too :)
@bluehydrangeas: oh good! You've moved on from blaming yourself to anger. He deserves it! As long as you eventually let go of the anger and on to better things! It sounds to me like he was ready to move on but tried to blame you for breaking up by first demanding something he knew you couldn't make happen right away and then when out of desperation you said you'd basically move heaven and earth to make it happen he was like, "oh, sorry that's not good enough, too late" and still leaves you! other posters are right, he's an immature baby. And manipulative! some day soon you will be glad you have moved on to better things! And 30 isn't too old. I met my FH when I was 30. Now you just need to find some single friends to get yourself out there! All the best to you!
@bluehydrangeas: I'm sorry! I read your previous posts, he's being a huge baby and you don't deserve this. You're still a yougin' at 30, you WILL find someone who truly deserves you and will move heaven and earth just to spend a few hours with you ( I know this from experience). You did what was best for you and he would have done the exact same thing and not thought twice about asking for your input! Stay strong!!
@bluehydrangeas: I am so sorry this jerk has put you through this. What are you favorite things to do? You need to meet some new people and focus on yourself! Please don't wallow on this asshole -- he is toying with you for no reason. I know it's hard because you were together for so long, but you should really just move on. You can do it. =)
oh god! what an asshole! you dodged a bullet!
he just wants "time alone" to do whatever the f*ck he feels like (that could incluye have sex with other girls) and if it doesnt turn out to be THE BEST FOR HIM, he will just come back and say "oooh, i miss you, im nothing without you, take the job"
oh hell no! he's a manipulative jerk
ug, and one of the most embarrassing parts is that a week ago I sent him a sweet card and inside i wrote an ee cummings poem about love/future (i am a huuuuuge cummings fan) and sent it to the then FI. it must have gotten lost bc the last I heard from him (three days after our 'time apart' started) was a text photo of the opened card with his cat sitting on top of it. He text to me "thank you from your two Cali boys. X"
'thank you'?? why even respond at all? and the 'cali boys' part? Right, because I have other boys other places. I felt like he was just mocking me. I get enough of that mocking feeling each time I realize I have tickets to go out there in....18 days.
@Anamagana: yeah, when my last long relationship ended (we broke up on our 6 yr anniversary), I was given the "i need some time apart to think about things." He was banging some new skanky chick three days later. It sickens me to wonder if this is happening literally right now as I type this.
@peachacid: well, doing my hobbies kind of backfired this weekend. i love animals and volunteer and foster at a local shelter. I fostered a kitty, and returned her after her foster period was complete. She was a sweetheart and it was so hard for me to return her. When she got back to the shelter, she became crazy and wild and violently aggressive. I went in on saturday hoping that she would recognize me and calm down (she has been back there for a month) but she was mean and nasty to me. Unless she shapes up, it looks like they will put her down because she is so aggressive no one can do anyting with her. I'd adopt her, but they are unsure if her new aggression is a permanent attitude (she is 11). I'd do anything to help her, but I wasn't in the market to own a kitty full time. She mauled my arm yesterday, and what if this is something she will always do? I don't know what to do. This certainly isn't helping my emotional state.
He is being so unfair to you. Relationships are all about compromise and communication. He's expecting these things from you without doing them himself. I think you really dodged a bullet with this one though. If you were married, there would be bigger problems than this coming your way. You should be with someone who is an equal partner and puts you as his first priority.
It sounds like he wanted an out. He's a coward and a hypocrite and I promise you, you're better off!
Still haven't heard from him. It has been since last wednesday.
I hate that my first thought as soon as I wake is "he doesn't love you." I have some affirmations written on my bathroom mirror and I re-read all of the reply posts on here to get me through my day. thank you to everyone who responded.
@bluehydrangeas: I am so sorry you are going through this. But in complete honesty, it really sounds as if you dodged a bullet with this guy. He is the selfish one and you need someone who will move Heaven and Earth to be with you and support you in your decisions for a better life.
It sucks and hurts now, but I promise you'll be okay. I wrote this same exact advice to another bee on ere who ahd her heart broken by another douch bag. When my high school sweetheart dumped me at 20, this is the advide she gave:
NEVER LOOK BACK. WALK TALL. ACT FINE.
It's from Golded Years by David Bowie and for some reason, that really resonated with me and that'd what I did. I never looked back and a couple of weeks later started to date my now husband.
I promise, you will be okay. You will find love. Ad 30 is not old. At all. So don't even worry about that.
Chin up. girl!!
Sorry to hear your story, you will live a better life without him! All the best wishes for you!!
@bluehydrangeas: I'm really sorry to hear your story :( This is a super difficult situation, and I pray that it's made easy for you. God knows best, but I personally think there is still hope for the two of you. You both clearly love one another, and that doesn't just disappear overnight. But there are a lot of stressors on your relationship, and ya'll need to work on easing some of those stressors. Distance in itself is so hard on a relationship - an MFT friend of mine told me that in long-distance relationships, these doubts will naturally start to creep up and you just gotta kill em cause they're false 90% of the time.
Take it easy on yourself. Find some healthy outlets to cope until you guys talk again. Go out for Thanksgiving, whether he asks you to come or not. Even if he says he doesn't know if he wants to see you, YOU take charge and tell him that you need to see him. Whether things continue or end, you need to see him because you've invested 5 years of your life into this relationship, and it's not just his decision to make what happens here. It's yours too. And while you want to respect his desire for space during this time, you need to see him for your own sake, and would he please allow you to do so?
Go out there and put your effort into trying to figure things out. Think about what you want to say, write it all down, and then be very clear with him. Be calm and composed. Whatever you do, try not to get too emotional. From my experience, guys respond very well to a calm and composed woman. They tend to tune you out and stop taking you seriously when you sound very loud and emotional.
Tell him that you want to understand him and take care of his needs, but that you need him to understand you too and take care of you. Tell him that you truly want to move out there and would do it in a heartbeat now because you realize that taking care of this relationship is the most important thing to you, more important than your job or money. Money is money, and it will come and go, but being with him is what truly makes you happy. Tell him that you love him, that you've been there for him and forgiven him multiple times over, that you think that you guys would still be good together - maybe mention some of the good times ya'll had - and that you wouldn't have been together this long and made it this far had you guys really not been right for one another.
At this moment when he is questioning your relationship, do not throw in the towel. Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by your fear and anger at how he's reacting. You can discuss how that hurt you, but later, not now. Right now be strong and confident in your relationship for both him and yourself. Remind him why he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you by being the woman he fell for.
you have been through a lot with him it sounds like! I obviously only know what youve said on here, but to me it sounds like you are putting a lot more into this relationship than he is. Your willing to change your life around him, and he wants to think about whats best for himself!! You deserve better, much better
it's been a week now and nothing. It isn't getting easier to not have him there to talk. I wish he would have had the freakin balls to break up with me when he was here and not put me through this garbage now. with each day that goes by, i am more and more sure he is not going to come around saying 'i can't live without you. let's make this work."
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