Engagement – Parents don't approve [UPDATE]

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So sorry you are going through this!  You are absolutely not doing anything wrong.  Based on your previous post, I think that your parents are 1) unhappy in their marriage and afraid of facing that once you’re gone 2) dependent on you to an unhealthy degree and 3) letting their fear of you moving on turn into something nasty and mean.  My FMIL is so terrified of “losing a son” and tried to pull the same debt crap.  No matter who you were marrying, your parents would find tons of reasons why you shouldn’t marry the guy.  Keep moving forward with your plans.  I think after you’re married they might start to accept it.  I would keep what I tell them about the wedding to a minimum and just focus on how exciting it is for your and your FI to start your lives together.  If they say anything about you keeping them in the dark about your life, tell them that since they have a habit of turning everything into a negative you didn’t want their opinions to bring you down and take away from what should be a very happy time for you.

Post # 4
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My initial thoughts were that you must be very young and that you and your FI hadn’t been dating very long. I went back to read your other post and saw that this isn’t the case.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Your parents are being unreasonable. As long as your FI and you can make it on your own, then their fears about debt are groundless. You said you both have degrees and full-time jobs, so I don’t see why you wouldn’t generate enough income to be on your own. I think it’s past time for both of you to move out.

Post # 5
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@BlueMockingbird:  I think moving out is a good idea for a first step for your parents to understand that they can’t have you forever. Also a good idea for your sanity as this will continue to drain you and it’s still a fair amount of time for your wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
4218 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think your parents are being really unfair, and who you chose to marry is your decision not theirs. They can’t bully you out of it, so they’re getting mad. You can’t make them accept it. If they do or not, that’s their choice and they have to live with it. It’s hurtful to have to stand up to your parents, but really, this is your life, not theirs. If they cut you out of their life over it, they’ll live with the regret. 

Post # 7
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@BlueMockingbird:  You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep your date. Don’t change it and keep moving forward. It will be fine

Post # 8
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

As I said in your original post, your parents are afraid of letting you go (for various reasons). Unfortunately they have turned spiteful and have said horrible and desperate things to try to keep you. I definitely think you should move out on your own,  but not with your FI as it may only anger your parents further and look like you’re choosing him over them.

Don’t feel guilty, having read both your posts I strongly feel you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong; you’re not too young to marry or make your own decisions, and your parents clearly have some issues. I reckon even if you were 30 your parents would still be reacting the same way.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through ::hugs::

Post # 9
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope your parents can learn to let you be happy. I agree with your therapist that they are dependent on you, and I feel sad for you because that is a heavy burden.

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@BlueMockingbird:  It sounds like your parents have their own issues to deal with and as their only child, when you get married, they now have only each other to deal with.  You haven’t done anything wrong.  Do not be surprised if their marriage falls apart during your engagement or right after your wedding; I suspect their focus on you is them trying to deflect other issues in their own marriage unfortunately.

Post # 12
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You must move away. On your own, or with your fiance. Why take into consideration what they think if they are so horrible with you? You don’t owe them because they are your parents, especially not in this situation.

Post # 15
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Can I ask why they know about his debt?  This seems like perhaps you tell them too much about you and your fiance’s private life, which may be a mistake given how they are acting?

Post # 16
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@BlueMockingbird:  I think your parents are totally in the wrong, like many PPs have said, and I also agree that you should move out, but I warn you – they may get worse once you do, at least temporarily. Stand up to them, because caving to their manipulation will just tell them they can get what they want if they push hard enough. They are manipulating you and your love of them in order to try and force you to act the way they want, in order to keep you living at home and being the devoted daughter you are, instead of becoming the person YOU want to be.

I can say one thing – my mom went through similarish things with her mother, and it was (and still is) extremely hard. But the sooner you stand up, the better chance your relationship with your parents has for becoming a healthy one for all involved. Get a separate therapist for yourself, too, and maybe start having the occasional session with your FI, especially if he’s stressed by the whole situation.

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